silent thunder

It is a beautiful day to die! Don't often talk about this one, it earns me blank stares, and drawback. Though this is the place for it, if any... thank you for sharing this @manitou! It is a good day to die. All days are... On my birthday some years back, my gal and I went for a walk on the beach before breaking fasts. We'd parked the car and were strolling up to the beach, across a driveway when a flutterby approached me, veritably introducing herself. I smiled, greeted her, opened my hand in front of me, chest high, near her. She landed in my palm... and moments later, died. It was a shatteringly potent moment for me, so simple. So natural. So beautiful. I carried her body with me for several minutes and left her near the beach head for some bird's breakfast. Death is love... pure as can be... Life is greedy, acquisitional, but decay, decay is giving, death is love. Shortly after it occured to me that I'd been drawn to decay for some time. Whether walking through the neighborhood, or at the beach. My eyes drawn perpetually to focus on the decay, to the dead. No specific reason why. No thoughts in particular... until this one. Life is acquisitional, it is always acquiring and imbibing and seeking that which it will take into itself. Death is giving, the utter giving back what has been acquired. Decay is the act of ultimate giving. Death is love... purest way I've experienced it. Death is life. All life, derives it's energy through the acquisition of life... be it vegetarian, carnivore, or omnivore. All life feeds on life and derives its vibrancy through the decay of life. To realize this was akin to my experience of no longer seeing forms, but focusing on the space around the forms. For some time wherever I went, while at that very spot on the beach, I'd been drawn to watch the decay and ceased staring at the ocean with its humpbacks and dolphins and waves. I found myself perpetually seeking out the dry, brown dead stalks and the silver decaying ice plants (rich desert succulents with fat vibrant deep green leaves) that grow along the ridge line leading down to the beach proper. As ice plants decay, their decaying parts turn a rather vibrant silvery color, and peak out in poignant contrast from the vibrant green of the live plants that sit atop them. Their silvery smooth decay shines more brightly for me than the vibrant, spongy, vital green leaves. And from that moment i understood why... this realization was dawning in that time. Seeping out to conscious local awareness through the depth of the wisdom of the body. Death is the ultimate giving back, the beautiful unfolding with no holding back. How much love is there!!! It shames an unfolding flower! Life is grabby, acquiring and greedy by its very nature. Always imbibing and drawing into itself... whereas decay... such bouyant, unfolding of givingness. I tell you, there is a longing in me now, since this realization rang that only the unfolding of death and decay will quench. I've never had a fear of death, based on my earliest memory of this life; but now... now i anticipate her as a bridegroom awaiting the approach of his bride in their private chamber. Longing for the embrace, not in a way that denies my livingness, nor hurries or that in any manner depreciates living, quite the opposite. I anticipate her to bring me into wholeness. To finally become all of life wholly and completely as the ultimate expression of love unfolding, the completion of a cycle and the giving back of what i have held onto in the living part of the process. Shatteringly beautiful. No part is left untouched by this realization. It is a good, beautiful day to die indeed!

after 'sharing the news' with a few friends...

me... reading the awesome tidbits shared here

over, and over, and gratefully... over again, and again... for decades...

"All my life I've been waiting for, I've been praying for, for the people to say 'That we don't wanna fight no more. There'll be no more war.' And our children will play. One day One day One day"

I want to unfold. Let no place in me hold itself closed, for where I am closed, I am false. Rainer Maria Rilke

@thelerner did you end up getting a test?

Am I already it, or must I find it, practice to manufacture and make it and then maintain it? For me lately, neither. I find i disconnect with even the notion that 'i am already it, or it must be sought' as this thought lends to the notion, that there is a thingness that is achieved, or that we recognize that we are. Local awareness/presence is not something I own, or feel that i am, or that i can find, or achieve, or maintain, either through effort, or endeavor. Presence, awareness seem revelatory, not manufactured. While I seem to be in it, i seem not to be of it. Nor is there a separation. When mind is quiet, presence is. When mind is noisy, presence is. Sleeping, waking, seeking, resting... what is, is what is... presence/awareness is what is there to do, achieve, alter, fix, cajole, encounter, reveal?

With you on the too fastness, in virtually every hatha class I ever attended, they were too fast for my rhythm for sure, but also too fast/manic speed is reflected in so many aspects of life. of my life. In the last few years, I find a growing tendency to 'take a pause' in many aspects of life. Between actions, a desire to just let life settle for a moment. And when this arises more and more, I lean into this desireand enjoy a pause. I first recall it when getting into my car, before putting the keys in and starting the engine, or when I'd arrived somewhere, after I shut the engine off, instead of getting right to it and grabbing my stuff and exiting, I began to spontaneously close my eyes and just settle empty for a few moments, usually just a few breaths. It's expanding to other areas, when I enter the door of my home, or stepping out of the shower before drying off, often now instead of just pushing in and 'getting on with it', I'll settle where i am a moment, let the shoulders drop into place, resettle my feet, and take a few breaths, letting it all settle itself to its own rhythm.

the sounds he makes!

Understand, I'll slip quietly away from the noisy crowd when I see the pale stars rising, blooming, over the oaks. I'll pursue solitary pathways through the pale twilit meadows with only this one dream: You come too. Rainer Maria Rilke Is not impermanence the very fragrance of our days? Rainer Maria Rilke

“The baby looks at things all day without winking; that is because his eyes are not focused on any particular object. He goes without knowing where he is going, and stops without knowing what he is doing. He merges himself within the surroundings and moves along with it. These are the principles of mental hygiene.” ― Chuang-Tzu

Revisiting an old friend with new/older eyes... wow... gratitude/resonance... Since I've learned to be silent, everything has come so much closer to me. Rainer Maria Rilke Go into yourself and see how deep the place is from which your life flows. Rainer Maria Rilke To be here is immense. Rainer Maria Rilke If you will stay close to nature, to its simplicity, to the small things hardly noticeable, those things can unexpectedly become great and immeasurable. Rainer Maria Rilke Life + a cat ... adds up to an incalculable sum. Rainer Maria Rilke

Puts me in mind of a quote by Rilke, my wife texted me out of the blue yesterday. "Sadness is the soul recognizing change." Time to revisit this old friend.

Absolutely everything else in life is harder, when you're not rested. Much empathy for your daughter my friend. I suffered insomnia in my twenties as well and a few times thereafter to a much less intense degree, but it is a real hammer in life when you can't get rested. I could usually fall asleep, but staying asleep was a challenge... and after waking at certain points, it seemed fruitless to lie there. I'm afraid my only options will seem rather droll, but anything is worth a try when it comes to sleep. Two things that seem to help me stay asleep or drift back when I wake are Darkness and Ambient sounds. We have heavy drapes in our bedroom and I use an eye wrap that keeps extraneous light out of my eyes. I no longer have any electronics in my bedroom, but for ambient sound playing to keep neighborhood random sounds from waking one up, one of youtube's many 10 hour sets of various ambient nature sounds, waterfalls, heavy rainfall, or soft ambient music may be an option. I also got very stubborn at one point, either if unable to fall asleep, or find myself waking. I started to 'just lie there' in bed, awake for the remainder of my sleep time, refusing to get up. Eventually even if sleep didn't come, I'd drop into what I call 'the grey zone'. Mind became quiet, body will buzz lightly with calm and it is restful to a point. At the very least, I wasn't up spending what precious little energy I'd regathered in my little sleep, by doing stuff and engaging with things. Qi Gong and regular sitting, after years of daily practice, seem to have nullified sleep issues now for me. On occasion I'll lay in bed for an hour or so before sleep comes, but this is once in a blue moon and when it happens, I no longer 'give up and get up' but lay there with my eye wrap on and simply let my body melt on the bed. My best to you and your daughter old friend. So wonderful to catch your presence. Wish it was under better circumstances.

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” ― Augusten Burroughs, Magical Thinking: True Stories

speaking of synthesis...

synthesis of what has been and what is, has been the theme this weekend

we are all hunters... in that we innately hunt what we seek, what we desire. as we are all gardeners, in that all we say and do, plants seeds of effect, in those we affect.

Aw Hell Yea! "ya know i can't win, cuz i ain't gotta goll darn thang to lose..."