sunchild

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every job is spiritual. it seems that what the main vein of this thread means by 'spiritual career', is a career that will further enable them in what they personally perceive as being a 'spiritual career/means of sustaining oneself' "pay me monies to show you b spiritual cause am moar spiritual than yew" yea work sucks, sometimes work sucks a lot. but if you aren't just as exhausted/challenged by your 'spiritual path', then what exactly are you practicing

"we're different i promise!" "we'll show you the Truth, i promise!"

one can not give a mantra any definition, yet the mantra will still have a certain effect.

i believes names are very powerful. as far as the name someone receives and them 'wanting' to live up to the 'expectation/meaning' of that name, i don't think they have to know what their names mean in most cases. i find that for the most part, people with a certain name tend to fulfill the 'expectations' of a person with that name. i believe that it has more to do with the sound of the name. sound is very powerful. having a certain sound vibrated towards/through your being for almost all of your life must certainly have some kind of effect on your overall being(/mind/body)...

what.

i've really struggled with mental foginess these last couple years, and recently it only seems to be getting worst. i'll have moments of extreme insight, intuition wise or recalling a very distant memory, only to be followed by a heavy mental fog. at times it feel like i am, although i detest the term, 'mentally retarded'. most of the time i'm not thinking of anything at all, rather i'm just being 'present' i guess. it irritated my girlfriend dozens of times- "what are you thinking about?" "nothing." "yes you are, its impossible to think about nothing" at this point everything i took interest in in my personal life has sort of 'faded', there's a tangible detached feeling whenever i try to 'reignite the spark' in anyone of my past interests art, music, especially writing. as much as i miss it, i can't seem to 'care' for it anymore. i no longer have a burning desire, for anything really. it makes me sad because i was a decent writer/poet, but now it seems like my condition mentally/spiritually is in a state of decomposition. i can't seem to 'care' anymore. i've seen how taken aback people are when i have a moment of clarity or if i have 'something to say', i think it has to do with me walking around in a fog all the time and never saying much besides short answers and odd noises, but then suddenly becoming articulate and spoken. my interest in most 'worldly' things/my surroundings has completely disappeared. i wouldn't mind it so much, if that didn't sap the remaining meaning out of what i call my life. i'm not suicidal, i'm very grateful, there's just nothing else i can see myself doing or wanting in this life and i am ready to die. i don’t get sad anymore, if i do i have to be really swept away by it or thinking about it a lot which is rare for just about anything. throughout the day i’m for the most part indifferent unless someone really engages me mentally/energetically. music doesn’t even move me like it used to, it actually hurts my brain when i feel really 'clear'- especially music that has words, that is the worst. the fog is so hard to describe, but every day i wake up its like a brand new day/like i was literally just born, i guess its because i don’t have stress/trivia/negativity on my mind all day anymore. i see the crazy passion for life/goals other people have and i overstand it, it’s just weird seeing it in others and not myself anymore. makes me feel like i’m missing a piece sometimes. my 'life' currently is very neutral, disimpassioned. some people i know get mad at me for not constantly thinking bout them(obsession/'love') or not having ‘big goals’(circus acts) for myself anymore. but honestly i barely think anymore, most of what i do/write/say is pure instinct/intuition. it really hurts sometimes. all the things i used to be excited for in life are gone(except jalpeno chips), all the things i was talented at i no longer care for, all of the old 'deep' thoughts i loved having rarely surface anymore. i feel so detached from almost everything around me. and it hurts worse than it ever has because im pretty sure this girl i love/(loved?) has gotten a taste of the emptiness inside of me, that makes me sad. her life has been hard enough without me in it slowly loosing touch with everything/everyone around me through our relationship. i feel like i'm missing a piece of my soul. like i've escaped something i shouldn't have and it desperately wants me back. something isn't right about this. i really feel like i'm being punished. this fog/empty headedness has gone on for so long now, its starting to scare me.

ok. you, sonofthegods and spotless are the smartest humans on here. i'll let you know how it goes.

i'm pretty sure the abyss is that last stretch of 'guilty conscious/compassion/personalduality' that serial killers cross over before they commit their 'atrocities' against humans freedom/purity

this forum taught me a lot about life. mainly, how meaningless it all is. i wish i had never been born. i don't want to be alive for another day of this. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. visualize me dying. pray that i die soon. wish death upon me.

i'm posting this in hopes of gaining a more thorough understanding of what happened to me a few months ago that i am still recovering from. the duration of this episode was a few months give or take (3-4 maybe more) whenever i was in public either alone or with company, A LOT of the people around me would look at me and stare. i would be walking on the sidewalks and often they would slow down or speed up to where i was standing/walking. i call this episode 'inception' because one day when walking around town with an old acquaintance he noticed that many of the people around us were staring at me, it was quite unsettling for him. he began to treat me very differently. i remember one day distinctly as we were walking down a sidewalk and all the cars passing were staring at us he said ,"you know, it's kind of like that movie inception. like we're in your subconscious, look at how all these people around us are acting". we met less and less, until our friendship completely dissolved. (i'm aware this is hard to believe but i swear this. i would walk anywhere crowded or uncrowded and people would just stare at me like i was god or something) during this time i was also working at a restaurant. when i would be walking around the tables, the people talking would seem to be talking about very exact things that pertained to my current situation in life- it was like they were speaking directly to me. even down to things i would be currently thinking- people i was talking to already or that i was near would start talking about whatever was currently on my mind- like they could read my mind, it was very unnerving, at this point i became very fearful of my mental state. i had many cryptic conversations with complete strangers during the time at the restaurant that i still haven't completely got the meaning of, and i know that sounds like 'reaching' but the 'vibe' of these conversations were Very heavy. i noticed when i would be walking around the restaurant the children were Very interested in me. they would stand up in the booths and peek out at me, always smiling- sometimes waving. i had toddlers run up to me and try to 'communicate'. one night i saw a toddler staring at me from a car giggling and gesturing a 'halo' to his father from his baby seat when he was looking at me, his father looked really confused/suspicious. (there are many other events similar to this that took place.) more recently about two months ago i was out about town with another acquaintance in the mall and i he noticed that "everyone was staring at him". he started to become quite uncomfortable. he is fairly vain though, and i could see him starting to bask in it. then suddenly he noticed that all the people around us in the mall were staring at me and not him and he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. i just ignored what was going on and pretended he was seeing things, this did not stop the 'staring' at all. he doesn't talk to me anymore, only when he is in dire need of assistance in some way. i do not know what nay of this means.

one day at the grocery store while i was walking around, i noticed i was 'bleeding into people'. it was like i could feel there magnetic field passing me, people passing by felt like velcro bubbles getting 'stuck' to me. i also picked up on exactly what they were feeling and sometimes their immediate thoughts, some of them were very personal and i could easily distinguish them from my own. i don't know.

during this period was the first time i saw a spirit manifest on the physical plane, before i had just sensed them physically. it appeared as a black mist in my living room and my dog was barking his head off at it. my dog had been barking at 'nothing' around my bedtime for quite a while.

i noticed my thought often leak out or are broadcasted to people immediately around me. questions im about to answer from others, my answer im thinking just comes out of anothers persons mouth(verbatim). this is not fun. especially when my thinking is negative, others seem to notice right away, and 'know' the details of. whenever i inflame myself with prayer others seem to notice immediately, teating me like some sort of holy person, but im just trying to protect my mental space.

i have a permanent yellow dot in the center of my field of vision, that i try to ignore most of the time. sometimes when i'm deep in thought, feeling 'oneness' or in meditation it becomes a blue dot. when i look at people they seem to notice right away. women flip their hair and other similar behaviors when i meet them with my gaze.(whether they be on foot or in their car or wherever)

all this started happening about a year after my initial 'kunadlini arousal'(how its been described to me.) this event was triggered, in my belief, by a 3 month period of me sungazing every morning and evening. when i woke up before i would sungaze i would candlegaze(practice trataka for about 20-30 minutes on average). i was in complete isolation and meditated on emptiness and deep prayers. i was celibate(also in thought). i also used no artificial lighting and noticed my body set itself to the suns schedule. i would wake up around 5:30am at first light and i would get extremely drowsy and tired around sunset.

i appreciate all of your responses. your efforts are noted and appreciated, thank you for trying

so there isn't a point.

does marijuana make you infertile?

if you think speaking to yourself is useful..

hahaha, thats what i read when i saw that fallen arches thread originally humans don't offer cause for me to laugh often, thank you

thank you for sharing, this confirms a lot.

it's weird. i feel more numb than i ever have, but i feel more than i ever have.

i do not care what you think or feel. if i wanted/was open to your suggestion, then i would've asked you for it.