sunchild

i am that i am.

by not saying anything. there's nothing worth arguing. remaining in silence. most people who are serious about cultivation or have a high level of attainment, have little contact with humans. there is no such thing as negativity or positivity. only the ignorant refuse to accept that their notions of ‘good & evil', 'positive & negative' pertaining to others/the world, is strictly their opinion- that their judgement is not factual, that it has more to do with their cultural conditioning/influences. i find most times when someone labels someone/thing as ‘negative/evil/wrong’- it’s just a facet of themselves that they are uncomfortable with or someone/thing that they personally believe should be another way, egoistic posturing. only indifference is real. an awful lot of humor on this forum.

firstly, thank you to all of the members here who've spoken to me in public and private about "getting my stuff together". i've decided i'm not just going to simply exist/wait to die, i'm going to try to contribute something of worth to the people around me/greater good. i am but a humble servant. i've been correcting my negative thought loops, i stopped listening to music for the time being, i'm getting more exercise and i'm trying to put together some semblance of a balanced diet. i've also returned to my practice of centering prayer, what my question pertains to. in centering prayer, one aims to simple experience god/tao/void in complete silence. when thoughts arise they are gently pushed aside and one returns to their 'sacred word'/anchoring phrase. i've been practicing the technique and i can 'feel' what it's doing, but i cannot decide on sacred word :/ the religion i had identified with so much up to this last year seems to no longer serve me and i feel very conflicted picking a 'sacred word'. i avoided using 'god' because people say it all the time. i do my best to return to silence when thoughts arise, but i noticed that this is much easier when you're using a sacred word. quitting smoking soon, i've quit several times before so it's a little intimidating. i don't know what to do about the sacred word part, i do enjoy the practice. once i get my candles back from a friend i plan to start candlegazing daily for a bit, until the 'muck' starts to break up again. i've also been looking at israel regardies one year manual, after much deliberation, but the whole tracking the sun throughout the day and sun oriented prayers(using ra) are a little offputting. i did notice that a couple years ago when i was sungazing, that my body automatically timed itself with the sun- i'd wakeup at 5:30 exactly daybreak not tired and my health was noticeably better. sadhu mouni's methods are the most direct teachings i've come across. something i am worried about very much is 'broadcasting'. i've noticed my thoughts are much 'louder' in recent times then they've ever been and when i'm in a bad mood or hung up on negative thinking i see it affecting the people i'm near/my environment. what is something i can do to better 'clear' myself/my thinking, maintain clean thoughts/energy? please and thank you

thank you again.

thank you mystique enigma, that is the best story i've read in a long time

thank you for this Who.am.i, today was rough. how do you pronounce/vibrate the mantra? i've read about chunyi lin and seen some of his videos. i will give this a shot. did you ever regain interest in any of the things of the world?

me too. how grand.

am trying to enjoy life.

this response confuses me. could you elaborate?

it is impossible to erase 'all darkness' within myself, there is none spotless. i'm not trying to erase the 'evil' of the world, that would be me projecting. the divine light is given to 'both' 'good' and 'evil' because they are one. the division only takes place within the human mind. i am moving beyond my beliefs all the time, i don't believe in karma anymore there's no such thing as a 'good' person in my mind, good and evil are entirely subjective and based on ones cultural conditioning and egotism. all beings have the same amount of love and respect from me, 24/7? no, but i make an effort. why are you talking about rebirth and being a 'good' person? i was asking about meditation and prayer if reincarnation is real, i'm pretty sure you avoid it by simply by being able to maintain consciousness through death. i don't think about that kind of stuff, it's too stressful/fear porn.

i do what i can, and what i can do is improving. i don't get out much. i can't really practice love and compassion in solitude

there aren't any local teachers and i have no transportation. i had an experience that greatly mirrored the symptoms of qigong psychcosis, i'm not in a rush to return to that state nor to be left to 'fend for myself' in that state as i was before qigong seems to be what most are recommending, i guess i'm looking for an alternative? :/

but there aren't any 'good' men or women, just human beings

it's complete bullshit and i'm sick of people acting all happy happy joy joy about it. its a load of shit. never escape duality no matter what type of 'higher' thinking you achieve. always be fallible always. i don't know what it is most of you here are trying to attain besides a fucking gold star sticker you can put on your third eye. cultivate what? cultivating being sensitive. then go watch barney reruns or something instead of putting your body in weird positions and sending your nervous system/endochrines into a frenzy. do the same things with the same kinds of people for decades. fuck life. fuck all of you.

it isn't a phase. it's a reoccuring sanity.

i dont want to be here anymore because of this bullshit dualistic reality and the myriad of trivialities and people i have to put up with/accept every day. why not just not do any of it. i really enjoyed it to a point. but now the fun has been had. theres literally nothing that holds my interest anymore, there's nothing important to me- maybe because life is meaningless anyway!! that could be it. maybe because no matter how hard i try i will always fail- the pendulum just wings back to the other polarity and then boom square one. it's not about where i'm headed after i die, it's about where i'm leaving. i don't care if i just fade to black and rot in the earth after this. i just don't want to be doing this shit next year. there's only so much to do here. i am bored/jaded on it honestly. yet you sit here and try to roast me for some fool because i no longer see any reason to want to participate in this circus any longer. life is beautiful, just not something i care for any longer. you can only beat your favorite game so many times before it becomes 'old'. and since this is a game you can't 'win' at all, you just kind of mindlessly wander through it for decades- doing the exact same shit with people who are exactly alike- for decades. if you think i'm bullshitting you when i say i'm over life here, then you can fuck off. i don't care about life anymore. i don't know why it's so hard for you to grasp. i'm sick of being stuck here with these endless herds of intellectual mammals damned who flail around blindly as they are dragged through life by their egoistic character/wants,needs,whatever. hopping trains through tunnels of self-centered selfish pursuit. if love isn't an emotion and is a action to you. then love is no different from hate. i'm glad you're enjoying life friend

i'm also beginning to feel this way. thank you for sharing.

Pacifism based only on fear of conflict or self-hate is weakness, inferior to the compassion of one who jumps an assailant or sentences a murderer to jail for the safety of the public. - Seeker of Tao i don't agree with much of what you said in your post, but specifically i don't agree with this. to me this is just another of your egoistic musings. to suggest that 'evil'/'good' are anything but your personal perception, and cultural conditioning, is false. ^herein lies profound irony. Seeker of Tao how do you win a game with no rules? if someone likes pepsi, why are you going to try and teach them about the wonders of coca cola?

my current state? i do not care enough about anything to engage it. i no longer have any interests. no i didn't make art to hurt others, a lot of my art was imbued with negative connotations/emotions. i didn't force it on anyone, i posted it on a website for posting/sharing music- soundcloud. i didn't say it was scary. i was simply stating a realization about people and art that i had arrived at a while ago. dig for what? i don't have a personality anymore. i'd know my current situation was not joyous from lack of feeling anything and my dissatisfaction with life. returning to a semblance of what i once called life goes against pretty much all spiritual advice i've recieved pertaining to my 'situation', so i think i'll hold off on that. i'm in limbo anyway. so once i learn to be chill about aliens/spirits with low vibrations playing with my organs, i will have completely 'let go'? lying? about what? i don't overstand where you are coming from i love life i really do, its beautiful. everything around me is beautiful. i see it, i know it. i just don't care for any of it anymore, its grown to be very trivial or mundane as some users here like to say. i'm not trying to fool anyone. i'm over life, it isn't that great to me anymore. you act like you can't realize how amazing something is or see how beautiful something is and just leave it as it is. if you love a flower, don't pick it up out of the ground. even these energy masters and qigong guys just meditate all the time and explore their inner headspace 24/7, besides 'heal' people. and no one seems to have a problem with that. they for the most part isolate themselves from society/life in general but they're 'cultivating'... whatever. i'd rather not lie to myself about it and admit i've just fallen out of love with life. the truth.

and while im ranting what is up with all of these white lights i've been seeing for the last couple years? i've noticed they appear more frequently when i'm relaxed and closer to 'the fog'. sometimes they're flashes, other times they'll stick around in my field of vision for a while until i try to focus on them intently. especially the blue light, there's like this little light blueish light that appears right in the middle of my vision and tends to stay there- this light is more common when i'm meditating/praying/being absent from stress/the world. then the last one is this yellowish/amber light that occupies the center of my field of vision for most of the day. it always there. its like a mini sun, i don't notice it as much as i did a year ago because i've went through steps to better 'ignore it' ha. whenever its 'more yellow'(mostly when i have more energy/higher energy) and it affects people i look at? if that makes sense

i asked to be able to help people about two years ago, i didn't like the way my life was going and i really wanted to make a change. i regret ever asking that.

people have recommended i 'let go'. i'm not sure what else i have to let go of. i don't even know who i am anymore. my ex talked with me today and we worked through a lot of our problems. but i don't even feel like 'me' anymore. one thing that burned my brain was when she said "people get in relationships to get something, everyone wants something from what they're doing". i felt that emptiness inside me when she said that, i don't really want anything at all anymore- besides being able to leave. i'm tired of feeling like i'm retarded and all these people constantly staring at me, it was really bad a couple months ago. my friends even noticed it, recently when i went to the mall he was like 'why is everyone staring at me?!?!" but then i felt him notice they were looking at me and he grew quiet- now he's very distant i don't hear from him. a year ago another friend mentioned that he felt like he was in the movie inception with me "in my subconscious", he was scared how people around us were staring at me walking around.

all i really have to go on right now are things of the past i used to enjoy, past life interests. the main interest i used to have was writing- mostly poems/lyrics with the occasional short story. i decided to quit making music and writing some of my 'darker' stories because i saw how a few felt about my art, and i didn't want it to affect people negatively. but i found that regardless of the way i choose my wording, or what colors of the human experience i incorporate, people will interpret my art however they want. it really hurt a big part of me trying to do 'right', i quit doing much at all in fear of doing 'wrong'/'bad' to me it seems that through most of our mediums of expression, we chose to convey a suffering, a struggle, a sadness, a caricature of our pain. a vein of alienation runs through the majority of our works as a collective. it seems to me that we for the most part feel the need to express these pains not so much out of fear of loneliness/separation, but out of fear that someone else feels as we do- that we aren't alone in our suffering. for the better part of the last few years i've been suffering, sprinkled with peak perception shattering experiences(non-dual/non-judgemental). i have lost interest in so much, i find it very difficult if not just impossible to give you a solid answer as to what i enjoy doing. i don't really enjoy much anymore. its sad, but i've been kind of beyond sad for a while. people like asking me for advice, my input on various artistic endeavors. i don't like much about myself. i don't think i really like myself at all anymore, it's not like i dislike myself, i'm just indifferent to myself if that makes sense. nothing really intrigues me anymore, i've accepted a lot of things as being possible within the last few years than i probably have my entire life. being alive bores me. people tell me to let go of everything i used to be, well all it does is just leave me a sad/indifferent pile with no worth or meaning. restart life at 25. 25 year old existential crisis. i don't remember pretty much any of my dreams, i just fade to blackness, awake from blackness. the only dreams i recall a bit are nightmares. one a few months ago was the world flooding, it was really vivid. i was in some city i don't know of and it was flooding, apocalyptic. a dream i had a few weeks ago aliens came into my room and were ripping stuff out of my back, it was terrifying i screamed in my sleep and scared my mom. sleep paralysis. my back/body felt better the next day though. to the universe i want to say, why am i still here? i appreciate having a chance at life and i fully realize how beautiful it is and how amazing people are and the nature they inhabit, i just don't care for it anymore. i'm not interested in much of anything anymore. waiting to die to be honest. i am not suicidal, i'm just done with it. i love life, i just don't want one anymore.

this ruined my relationship. it's absolutely heart wrenching to reminisce over times past, especially those times when it was foggy. i can see where it got progressively worse. it is horrible. she cries so much, even now as we're separated. it feels like something took that warm love feeling away from me, forever. i feel 'evil' sometimes, i've grown so detached. it feels like i'm a world away from her even when she's right in front of me. i'm unsure as to whether i can even have a 'working/normal' relationship again.

i don't know how to describe it, but i wouldn't flat out say i don't care about the 'physical' world. i don't know, it's like a jadedness, it's illusory anyway right? so you're saying my soul actually left? that would make a lot of sense. is there any way to 'ground' or try to regain that piece? it's quite awful having to live here without it. you really think this is necessary? sometimes i'm not even sure of what 'path' i'm walking. most of what you've said so far rings fairly true. what would you need to know about me to paint a better picture?