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yea. i saw what i think is the last half of this movie called 'the edge' with anthony hopkins and there's a scene where he and i think one of the baldwins is emerging from the forest, after a 'long story', and they say to eachother something along the lines of people always wanting to change what is but rarely so they just start over completely. i felt like that was very applicable to my current situation. how has your sleep changed? when i was having a peak experience and i had a lot of energy, the 'sleep' was pretty unnerving. to an extent it was as if i was still 'conscious' while sleeping. i noticed probably for the first time the silence that arose between the thoughts i had, it was like my words would echo- so i very quickly learned how to block out 'interference' because it was imperative to have a decent 'sleep'. when you sleep are you still conscious of yourself/thoughts/surroundings? i've heard that being the case when one's 'third/heavenly eye' has opened, especially visually yes, i hear you. our relationship became troubled, at times i had a very hard time expressing to her exactly what was going on. the non-identifying factor didn't really 'hit' me until i came from out of my self-imposed isolation qigong has come recommended to me a number of times but there aren't any teachers near me and transportation is a bit of an issue. do you think Vitalii would have a problem with me private messaging them? i've heard there are some sufi practices that are decent for heart oriented work/progress i'll check out the website thank you,

honestly, i find that possibilty to be pretty terrifying considering what's already transpired. i'm 25, 33 has been appearing quite a bit in my life these last few months. with the quote are you suggesting that my brain has just gotten older/matured? people my age are usually fully immersed in the passions of life

i hope they don't. having the top of my head open up to space and 'falling into' other people was a bit overwhelming at times. not to mention the whole perception shift deal. thank you, i hope they can help

i used to be so worried about being 'a jack of all trades, master of none', that i would spend pretty much all my spare time on writing. now i can't even muster that kind of passion for anything. people think i should be more 'upbeat' when i'm literally living for no reason. inventing reasons to live every day becomes very problematic

thank you, but this does not apply to my current situation.

thank you for these words. i've had the 'right attitude' towards it before when i was practicing candle gazing/trataka, life was very beautiful/vivid- it still is unusually vivid. it's just hard to feel like i'm living most of the time, the contrast between my thoughts/lifestyles and that of my peers/surroundings is stark, or even want to live any longer. i just don't see the point anymore. i can't bring myself to feel as passionately for anything as i have in the past, like you stated 'when its over its over', as soon as i finish something i'm interested in i suddenly go back to being detached from it. oftentimes the small bit of excitement i can muster burns itself out Quickly. i've lost every interest/hobby i had in the past, my life has no meaning anymore, there's simply nothing else i want to do here. i know life is beautiful and i see it all around me, i just do not care for it anymore. thank you again, hopefully i'll wake up tomorrow with a new positive outlook on life.

no i have not. i have heard extremely brief summations of what he writes about his kundalini experience, namely the agonies. do you think i would benefit from his writings? i thought most of them would be non-applicable as according to most people who've commented on it, i haven't had a 'full' awakening- no spontaneous kriyas or anything like that.

all of this started happening around the time of my 'kundalini arousal', where i felt so many of my preconceived notions being lifted from my perception. i feel more sensitive about things i never have before, and i know that has to do with my self-imposed isolation. but i also feel the isolation further stripping my ability to cope with life. when i meet people who at least have an idea what is going on with me, i'm a little relieved, but most of the time they try to make out what's happening to be some sort of blessing or 'special power', but i honestly think its something i've been cursed with. i don't see the good in something thats destroyed my life. i'm glad i didn't get the 'full service'.

i've had thoughts regarding the practicality of energy work and working to access more subtle levels of energy recently. mainly the accidental adoption of the energy/thoughts of people around me, i felt 'wrong' at times. when i attempted to explain my spiritual practice to someone close to me, they voiced how they thought i was getting into 'satanic'/'dark' things, which isn't my intention at all :/ needless to say i was pretty distraught. i came across this article earlier today and it resonated with a few thoughts i have been milling over for the last couple of days. i would love to know your thoughts on this http://www.kheperu.org/vampirism/metavamp7.html

my thoughts throughout the day, even under strain and influence of negativity in the work environment, have become increasingly "positive" and few. this is 'good' and well for my family, employees and most relations. they find my attitudes, words and actions helpful and 'surprisingly' pleasant for the most part. i've often heard our existence as humans described as autonomous for the most part, but i've never really felt that sentiment applied to my life until now- months after what i considered to be a time of 'much learning'. ha, speaking of ha, my sense of humor has wilted to something unrecognizable. i can see where jokes are meant to be 'funny' and where i 'should' laugh, but it simply doesn't strike me as logical or humane. it's as if most around me desperately urge myself and others to laugh at the shortcomings/pain of others and their own in some odd sadistic therapeutic i don't know. it's all very surreal. i feel like a shell of myself, but i am fully present. much of my knowing seems to drop right out of the air. i don't think any near as much as i used to. i've written about my personal loss of personality, interests in the past here, but it's growing in intensity every day. all this is considered normal here so this is not what i will dwell upon. what i have labeled as problematic are my thoughts that arise as i awake and as i depart to sleep. they've grown so fantastic. many times with very dark undertones or with seemingly no undertones or congruence at all(random?). thoughts will come in sometimes what appears as someone elses conversation, like a scene from a film i've never watched. thoughts come as musings pertaining to things i've given little or no thought at all to. the thoughts at times seem to be coming from somewhere other than myself/personal headspace/brain. many times i can't remember/retrieve these fantastical/thoughts musings, i can only recall the skeleton of the notions at best. oftentimes as i lay in contemplation or as i lay to sleep, my thoughts feel as though they no longer are mine, like some alien force is occupying my being or that i've been inducted into its hive mind. 'soul loss' is a term i think applies to much of my experience. it is all very surreal at this point.

not really, it was just a term i just 'came up with' recently to describe the feeling when i feel like i'm sitting in the middle of my head. i really do appreciate your help as i find you learned from your speech, i'm just not sure if i should be anymore. i don't feel suicidal, just this ever expanding emptiness filling my life. it really hurts sometimes, it gets really bad. i don't do anything anymore but work and when i'm not working i'm laying in bed. today my only friend, my girlfriend, left me. and i just am and it hurts so much. i feel like something took part of my soul away, i don't really enjoy anything not that i have anyone to share it with anymore. it just hurts so much and i'm not used to it. i've lost interest in nearly everything. i just work and sleep now. i try to be strong and do whats right the best i can but its like it doesnt even matter at all. i really appreciate your help, but i don't know if i can be helped anymore. i've lost everything and everything that made me who i was. i'm really sad.

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i'm sure some form of inner change is about, i'm just not entirely sure if its for the better to be honest

im trying/doing that. i recite the lords prayer mentally throughout the day. when i'm in contemplation and i'm 'in control' i use words like christ or god to come back to what i refer t as 'zero point'

why do cars trail in my vision so often? some days it seems to 'lighten up' a bit, then on others it's full blown and reminiscent of my k-arousal/'mania' episode. my eyes became sensitive over a period, i thought it would go away, but it seems that even in viewing things for a very brief period i'm left with a clear afterimage- being on a computer for extended periods feels like pouring vodka through my eyes into my brain **have you ever been walking through the store and it feels as though you have this huge velcro bubble around you and people keep sticking to it as they pass by?

for the past month or two, i've started to hear these loud banging noises in the walls of rooms, but i noticed it only happens when i'm present. i thought it was all in my head until my parents began waking up in the middle of the night because of them... they mostly happen in my bedroom during the day or late at night, sometimes waking me up out of my own sleep. the sound itself consists of a variety of 'knocks' from hard and fast to soft and slow, to just occasional loud knocks. it only happens when i'm present in the room. my dad went into the attic to investigate the source of the knocks, but he didn't find any animal or anythings out of the ordinary... and gave me a very puzzled/suspicious look. personally i'm okay with the knocking, because after the initial shock wore off i got used to it. but i don't think my parents are taking it so lightly. it does get rather loud some nights... does anyone here have any experience with this or something similar?

anyways. the 'banging/knocking' still persists. they've tapered off to loud single knocks. i've noticed them follow me to other rooms of the home i live in, other peoples houses and even stores out in public. people around me, including my family have begun to notice them. what is strange is that as of late they are even sounding from the ceilings of places and appliances (especially refrigerators, lightbulbs making a 'popping' noise when i'm around them') i no longer think it is something i made up, my mother was quite shaken the other night, as they've become Loud.

i've read a couple threads on this site of how a practitioner has been suddenly overcome with symptoms of depersonalization stemming from a meditative/spiritual practice. upon a closer examination of myself and my shortcomings i've seen that i also have been suffering from symptoms commonly attributed to depersonalizaton. my question is. is a form of 'depersonalization' the aim of many spiritual/meditative practices? it seems that there are those who have an adverse reaction to the sudden distancing between themselves/'emotions' and their surroundings, then there are those who openly welcome the effects of the 'depersonalization'. i'm just curious to know what the position of others on this topic. because as of late, i'm content, but i realize how sad i would normally feel- i feel very detached from many things around me. i've watched in slow motion as my personality has been disintegrating along with my relationship with my family, girlfriend and close friends. yesterday my girlfriend deemed our relationship to be too unhealthy to continue. a part of me was very upset but it's like it was frozen somewhere deep within me, i couldn't allow emotions to surface that i wanted. it constantly feels like this cold logic is present in my mind, sometimes it borders on sadness but it is more of a loneliness/emptiness i've never known until recent months. i don't feel like me. and i know that's probably due to egoistic wants, but having that degree of emotional stability amongst other things is a recipe for cognitive dissonance within this american society. i just lost my best friend i've ever had. i'm sad, but i feel so far away from everything. it's like i'm losing everything that made me, me. feel free to move or delete this.

that's part of the emptiness. i don't enjoy any of the crafts/hobbies that i used to. i feel very detached. oftentimes i feel this unshakeable mental dullness, that settled in after my habits/identity/interests started falling away. i am over myself, that's part of why i made my original post. i'm well aware the world doesn't revolve around me, i'm not so juvenile as to hold a solipsistic worldview. when i made my original post, i made sure to include the tag "venting". i didn't ask to be born in america.

liminal_luke you have my respect. it is my hope that you find peace regarding your situation/past. do not blame yourself or feel responsible for any of my actions. i am capable of reasoning and action.

"egoic masks". a magician told me about this before. he said it was an important aspect of his artistic process. thank you

you're very smart and articulate. i don't see why i would/should be thankful for something i simply do not want. something i haven't entirely wanted for a while. "her sacrifice", if anything for the most part we as a race loot and plunder her with not so much as a passing sense of remorse or guilt- just a self-righteous feeling of entitlement. hence her condition. thank you for illustrating the bigger picture to me, so it won't be a surprise.

seeing my last statements, i don't know why anyone felt the need to comment any further. not "buying into" society won't stop me from having to buy a house, establish a career path/source of income. i like hurting myself because it allows me to feel closer to death than i already am. a more agreeable illusion, ha. you could walk, you could run set sail to a foreign land only to be greeted by yourself on the shore open hands call and label me whatever you'd like, it couldn't make me care any less about life.

:) :) :) hcum os lla uoy knaht