carbonbreath

What do you guys think about the 8th step? Is it necessary to trace back every single person one has wronged in one's lifetime and pay them back by either directly apologizing or replacing/refunding what one has wrongfully taken in full with interest? What if one can not find all of these people, or the process of tracing them back may prove to be harmful to one's self? Would such a person be damned for this lifetime because they did not pay back in full? Can monetary debt be paid back by suffering or must every cent be physically accounted for- how does that work? Is it possible to achieve personal retribution by instead paying forward? How would one know when they have fully paid everything back that they owed? How much volunteering and donations would be necessary until they know that equilibrium has been restored to baseline? I speak for someone dear to me who has gone through a period of "youthful folly", and now many years later having grown up cannot forgive themselves no matter how hard they try, feel like "bad person" and live with unbearable guilt to the point of destrutive behavior and suicidal thinking, simply for not having a "clear conscience". They cannot give themself permission to move on with their life and instead resort to severe self punishment. I would like to help them in any way I can.

"Awakening is not always love and light and eternal bliss. One can be condemned to living as a ghost trapped in a body that forgot to die when the personality itself made the transition, albeit prematurely. It is a living death, not so tragic but certainly quite aimless. The cosmic carrot has been caught. Without this hidden, transcendent goal, life becomes quite empty indeed. Be careful what you wish for." ^^The source of inner resistance to life. Yet surprisingly, I still have plenty of energy, so it is very scattered, unfocused, and indeed "ghost-like". Wow... in all these years that's how I would best describe it, like my energy is like the energy of a ghost! Also, thank you Aetherous- but what if I still am too deeply affected by my outside conditioning? What if what my heart desires is prevented from actualization because of what some remnant of conditioning is saying? I mean, what if my heart really really wants to be super egoic, and a larger-than-life personality? Along with the larger than life persoanlity, a larger than life belief system which may sustain itself on a feeling of superiority? It is in direct conflict with some other part of myself, which feels it is wrong on some level. I am not sure whether this "other part" is really part of myself or part of my conditioning. For instance, part of me feels it would be "better" to act "humbly". edit: re-reading what I wrote, I am sorry to say it doesn't have much to do with the original question on "purpose", but rather the existential funk that is driving the need to question it..

How do you find purpose? Do you have a purpose? I have been on the "seeking" path for nearly a decade now, after having an initial "mystical experience". I've gone through many ups and downs since then, having had several successes (and many more failures!), many more heavenly and hellish experiences as well, I am now somewhat dissilusioned with my life. I'm in the middle of a seasonal funk, which tends to happen nearly every winter. I mostly kick back into high gear in spring-time, when internal energy, libido and will suddenly return on their own. Alas, I cannot sit around here idly and do nothing! I want to get started right away, as I clearly have the capacity to "take action". Yet, it dawned on me that I still have no "purpose" other than chasing higher and higher luxury "thrills", even of it is the noble thrill of attaining some goal, which always leaves me with a hangover. I have no belief or faith in any conventional values or ethics. I am not immoral or amoral, but I have personally found that striving for a more virtuous life simply amounted to another one of my thrills, albeit of a more sophisticated kind. I don't believe that I, as a human being, I have the duty or capacity to "make this world a better place". I think that's merely an illusion. Who am I to attempt to relieve the world's suffering, or increase it's personal pleasure?? I am all too aware of the inter-connectedness of everything, so who am I to try and mingle in it's delicate net? I want to try something different this time, something with dare I say, a longer-term vision. Right now, everything and everyone, to me, is equally important and unimportant. Everything happening has the same relative significance, so I am not really compelled to do... anything. I have lots of energy, but zero ambition or drive. When I trace back my motivation or drive to do anything, it always stems from a selfish desire to be "better" in some way, so I don't pursue it, until of course, that desire becomes too great! Of course, no one can give me a clear answer, but what is the ultimate purposeless purpose, and how can one use it in today's society where you need to work and have a career in order to survive? I am just completely jaded by all the conventional moral, virtuous and ethical systems, I have no personal conviction to follow any of them other than the pressure of conditioning, but that is obviously no way to go. I have no desire to "improve" myself, because I have done enough of that, and it has lead to exactly nowhere. I have nothing left to prove to myself or to others. I have been told by many to simply "grow up", and "just get a real job" and join the rat-race. I have attempted that many times as well, and although I am clearly dramatizing, it was pretty horrible... although, financial circumstances are such that I am finding myself in a position where I don't have much choice but to plunge in again. I am clearly not "taking responsibility for my life", right? If I did, by now, surely, I would not be asking this question. Yet if I don't start from the fundamental root, the very essence, the purpose, I feel I have nowhere to begin, or if I do, it will be another revolution around an imaginary center, leading me right back to where I started. Then again, that's what life kind of is, right? You do something, for a while maybe, and then you do something else... there, I answered my own question.. HAH!

In addition to self-centered,there is self-important. Could narcissism be a fault in perception rather than a fault in personality? If the brain is not wired or trained to be continually aware of other 'selves', then all the computing power goes to their own self. Empathy can also be subjective in many ways. For instance, if one has learned all of their greatest lessons through suffering, they may be less inclined to relieve it in others for their own good. I definitely think that narcissists, especially those that are aware of their inclinations, are much too harshly judged in our society.much like other fringe taboo subjects.

I was going to recommend iboga, but you beat me to it. Josama- your story is very similar to mine on many levels. In my case I blamed it on bad genes, bad decisions and misfortune. But, it's not about me- it's about you. Please read up on iboga (and for that matter; ayahuasca and kambo). I believe with the proper set, setting and guidance, they could help you immensely with your addictions. I want to emphasize these medicines are not something you should take alone or take lightly. It may very may well be the greatest commitment of your life. Iboga has no agenda, and it will not lie to you. It will most definitely kick your ass and wake you up to the reality of your situation and your life so you can finally start to see clearly. Your post confirmed my suspicions that Sifu Jenny is a very cleverly disguised con-artist. What you left out is that she charges 12,000$ for those 10-day treatments, which was obviously not effective for you. That wouldn't be too bad in and of itself, if it were not for the fact that she re-inforces the -idea- (as she did in your case) that you even have a demon/entity in the first place. She effectively casts a spell on you in order to hook you and reel you in. In my opinion, that is completely fucked up. I don't care how accomplished/holy she and other people may claim she is, and I am not afraid of speaking my truth, and that's what I believe. I didn't read the thread yet, so this has probably already been mentioned, but you seem thoroughly convinced that your misfortune was caused by your so-called demonic possession. Regardless of whether or not you are possessed, your mind-construction; your idea of this has a very powerful impact on you. It's a very convenient way of playing the victim card, and you in that game, you always come out the losing end.

Aetherous, that was amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you also, Jetsun

I apologize in advance as there have been many similar threads on TTB in the past, especially dealing with negative emotions. I know that most techniques for dealing with negative emotions can be applied to grief/sadness but I was trying to get more insight into the nature of what it is to be sad. I have gone through several years of intermittent depressions that have had different factors and variables involved. More recently, what has been brought to the surface for me to deal with is a feeling of intense sadness. It is dormant when I am alone, but when I am around other people, especially with friends or at work, it comes up. It gets intensified when I have to speak, as if producing sound amplifies that feeling and projects it outward. Yet, I have to talk to other people- there's no option- so it gets triggered and activated over and over. It's the same feeling as the "sting" of rejection or heart-break, but much stronger, and stuck in the "on" position. Of course, I get worried, because I very much try to hide this sadness from others, but they see it and they feel it, too. I have been trying to let it go using things like EFT, dissolving, plant entheogens, energy work, etc., but it won't budge. It really feels crystallized and anchored and I cannot get to the root of it. It's that feeling that leads to crying, but it feels so malignant and out of place. I realized at some point that all my attempts at releasing it were possibly failing because not much was changing in my life situation. The only conclusion I have come up with is that it's still there because I have not made the necessary life changes to stop triggering it (primary obstacle is financial). However, this goes against most of the spiritual teachings that state that your environment's influence on you is a complete illusion, so the problem is always inwards. However, the more inwards I go and the more I try to resolve it, the more it makes it's message clear that "I am here to stay". So alright, I'll accept it. Completely. I'll love it, even. But it's still there and it's still painful as hell! I feel that probably my best resort is to keep dissolving and dissolving it, but it won't "hook", if anyone who has done dissolving knows. It's just always there as the default background emotion. I just want to get to the root of this sucker once and for all. I do not think this is a natural state at all, and there is no reason that I should keep putting up with it year after year!

Wow!!! Thank you so much guys. I have a better perspective now. You are all awesome.

A few months ago, I, for some reason, decided it would be a good idea to permanently get rid of all of my pictures. So I did just that- I deleted everything I had of me, and everywhere it was backed up. I now regret that decision immensely. Gone are photos of some of the most memorable and marking moments of my life, including unique travel destinations and activities. I feel really sad now that those moments are now gone forever, and are only left in my memory. I try to console myself in that I am still young, there are plenty of new experiences to be had, and there is somewhere a lesson in "letting go" in all of this (part of the reason I got rid of them, I think). Alas, if any of you kind bums have any wise words to get me over this loss, my incredibly stupid decision, which has for some reason really been bothering me these last few days, I'd love to hear it.

Hi guys. I have always been extremely sensitive to external stimuli. I always get a powerful and unpleasant jolt of adrenaline and my heart jumping out of my chest anytime the dog barks, the phone or doorbell rings, someone coughs or even when someone just calls my name. I think this kind of shocking effect is probably bad for the heart and also triggers other negative emotional states. I was wondering if there is any way to reduce the intensity of these physical pre-cognitive bodily reactions,or are they genetically programmed and hardwired at birth?

Thanks guys. I snapped out of it quickly. He is really a disgusting old man and I just couldn't believe that someone would just do that, or something like that could happen to me. I don't know what I was thinking. I blocked him and said he will never see me again. I feel relieved that I don't have to think about it anymore. I'm not even mad at what he did- I just feel sorry for him. I hope he doesn't do it to anyone else.

Well, he says that his house is not a prison, and that I am free to leave any time I want. stimpy: what I want out of this is to learn more about myself, and to resolve my karma. I feel I have hit a wall in as far as what I am able to learn on my own, and even from most other teachers. perhaps I believe that he could show me something about myself that others cannot, that will enable me to evolve spiritually. my gut instinct is telling me to stay the f- away, but on the off-chance that he is legitimate, I would not want to miss this opportunity. the first time I questioned his "method" he said that the sexual stuff was to replenish his energy that is exhausted in teaching me. he really emphasizes that I have to just "let go", go at it 100%, do everything he says, and that I will be able to peel back my ego self and set myself back on the proper path, spiritually

Hi guys, Last year I came across a supposed Rosicrucian "master" who claimed he was a high clairvoyant. He's this really old guy who walks with a cane; diabetic. He said he saw in my aura that I needed help and so invited me to his place.. which I accepted. He said that he could teach me and pass on his knowledge (he claims to have been taught by a Rosicrucian master since the age of 7), which would take on an indeterminate amount of time, but that I would have to do exactly everything that he tells me without question, and that was his condition. I reluctantly accepted. So he had me smoke weed and offered some alcohol which I refused, then lured me into his bed as part of the "training". I won't go into detail on what happened here, needless to say that as a guy I found what he was asking me to do to be incredibly uncomfortable, and frankly, gross. He said it was a necessary part of his method in order to break down my old "self" and set me free, to get me unstuck from my ways. A red alarm immediately went off, and I got the f- out of there. The thing is, during my stay, he did get a lot of things about me correctly, but I suppose that could have been the product of cold reading and knowing my birth date in advance. For some reason, I found his contact information and contacted him again today, asking him for more details on what the hell happened. The other reason is that on the off chance that he is indeed legitimate, I really could use the help at this point in my life right now. His answers were again vague... that he has a unique method, he sees things others can't see, blah blah blah, but if I accept to live and train with him for some time, that it could transform my life, but there are no guarantees. He also keeps insisting that the sexual stuff is not optional. I know there are tons of red flags here guys, but I wanted to know what your opinions are. I was considering seeing him again on the condition of staying sober and no touching, but I think that this is my desperation and naïveté acting out. I'm asking if someone could slap some sense into me here. Thanks!

Issue resolved. Thanks

Reaction to perception.