Yasjua

Your somewhat unusually high libido has roots in psychology, genetics, and the nervous system, not to mention the very essence of nature itself. You can't change your genetics or nature, and you can only somewhat influence the psychological and nervous system elements. Some of the advice given may be helpful, or it may not be, you'll have to experiment for yourself. But it's more likely that you'll just have to give yourself time - years or maybe decades - and just observe as nature changes you. As long as your body is operating properly it will generate these appropriate feelings that you're having. The thing is, you don't really belong completely to yourself and you don't get to make executive decisions on how you behave. You belong in part to the cosmos, in part to this planet, and in part to society and to other people. As you walk, drive, cycle around, as the planet spins, changes from night to day, alternates seasons, undergoes radical climate shift, etc. the extremely complex system of your body responds automatically to things according to its neurobiological and psychobiological and biochemical programming. The fine-tuning of your body is also the fine-tuning of the entire cosmos. Physicists have often spoken about how precisely articulated the laws of the universe are, so much so that some hundred thousandth of a degree of difference would have resulted in an empty, non-working physical universe - presumably; i'm no physicist. Nevertheless, understand that you are part and parcel of nature and that you are also finely tuned to operate as best as nature can articulate a conscious being. You are not only an articulation of physical, chemical, biological and conscious processes, but an articulation of the interactions of those processes between other beings. Every time you walk by another person, there is something like a synaptic response that occurs between your body and theirs. Their nervous system and consciousness connect, however briefly or subtly or imperceptibly, to your nervous system, you feel the other person and your body stores the information it collected from them and moves on. Everything is interconnected - absolutely everything - and the result of that fact is that you are always picking up on and giving off these natural energies. You are not an isolated or fragmented partition of the totality that can be individually isolated and changed. You and everything else on this planet are a single unit of operation appearing to coordinate and express and interact independently, but in actuality it is all a single operation conducted under very precise and intelligent laws. Consider also that your society may be dysfunctional, and not you. We have a highly sanitized, sexually confused, and libidinally self-repressive society where very few people are properly in touch with the fullness of their sexual feeling and love. What you are feeling will in time develop and change, and in particular your mind will come to a more holistically cognizant understanding of all things human, physical, emotional, historical, biological, cosmic, and more. The intention you are holding to destroy your sexuality is just part of a phase of your psyche reacting somewhat violently against the conditions that nature and nurture have dealt you. Finally, realize that your sexual feelings are not unrelated to everything else in your life. Begin to educate yourself about the human body in ways that you have previously not been open to. Study your anatomy, think deeply on the nature of blood, fluid, nerves, the relationship of the skin and muscles and tendons to the brain and to your awareness of things. If you are a female (as your profile says you are) contemplate what arousal is on a physical level - blood engorging the vulva, hormones and biochemical creating synaptic connections that set off emotional and psychological processes - we tend to get into psychological chaos regarding ourselves when we think everything is an emotional or mental phenomenon, rather than knowing that psychological and emotional processes are part of phenomena. We take mind and emotion very personally, but raw physical facts help us gain equanimity and distance from that personalization, which is deeply tainted by conditioning. Think deeply on these things, think deeply on everything everywhere. I may be overstating some of my points, but they're observations I've made and principles that legitimately operate in our world. I have said this often and in many threads where people are struggling with their sexuality: I absolutely love rubbing one out and I do it as often as I need to with no guilt, no major exhaustion of energy, and no psychological reverberation or suffering after the fact. I have always been one to rub one out, and I love healthy sexual relationships. But I have not always had a healthy understanding. I was full of guilt, nasty perpetual fantasy, and a serious inability, like you, to perceive anything or anyone non-sexually. What solved this crisis? Nothing. Things just change. You're not permanently going to feel or think this way. I attribute my change in attitude to time and experience and my inclination to bend to nature's will rather than fight it. A P.S. I know CT has said that he has conquered his sexual impulse, but he also said that he's at least in his 40's and struggled with sexual desire for the better part of his probable lifespan. Don't take his word as a promise that you can train yourself out of it. It's quite possible that he's an egotistical kumquat and didn't take note that nature did half the work just by making his body old and less sexually fertile. And I do hope that if he reads this he has a sense of humor as I mean him no offense.

I have questions for any acupuncturists on the forum. Could you say hi if you're a practicing LAc and then I'll start asking questions.

Neither. Nothing has value but the light and the light is all and everywhere. The rest is metaphors and superimpositions of those metaphors on the images the mind creates to understand the incomprehensible infinitude of form. well, somethin like that...

Things don't "happen to you" due to your karma. That's a big misconception and one that perpetuates the myth that you're either a potential victim or lucky star from moment to moment or over the course of your lifespan. Your karma simply generates your own moment to moment intentions, actions, thoughts, perceptions, and responses to the neutral phenomena you encounter. It is the trail mix of memory that you continually munch on as you coast through life. Thus, you taste the same phenomena again and again. Open your mouth wider, wider, wider, yes, even wider than that, so wide as to let life burst in fresh, as-it-is, ungarbled by the mountain of shit that has built up around the essence of your personality. An open mind that tastes the whole universe from moment to moment generates less karma. A liberated mind has no karma, there being no fallen entity left. The moment Adam fell from Eden (that's you and God's Mind we're talking about), there was no choice in the matter for Adam (or God) but to begin sifting through delusions. Adam grows strong in his identity first, then returns to source as dusk descends upon his inner world. All karma is ultimately fictional (as it pertains to the pernicious flow of subjective dissatisfaction and preference), but Adam doesn't know that, hence the tragicomedy of life. In other words, Adam's subjectivity is his personal fiction which is also his karma. When his karma is gone, God swallows him back up in Eden. The realm of duality goes on, but with no Adam left occupying the body. No one left on Earth, just infinite consciousness moving in total surrender through the world. Such grace.

Dude, where can I smoke what you're smoking? Seriously, I love this. How do I learn these principles?

Chinese medicine, and medicine in general deals with a very profound question: why do people get sick? And the thing is, there are internal and external causes of disease, which is accepted by all medical practitioners as far as I know. Energetic and vitalistic medical practitioners tend to approach the issue of disease from the inside out, sometimes to a fault, while occidental practitioners approach disease from the outside in, sometimes to a fault. Excess in either condition. But of course, many from all total medical affinities approach health and disease holistically, and we applaud them for their wisdom. As I understand it, Chinese medicine deals with energetics, the flow of qi and spiritual essence in the apparently physical bodily manifestation. They use certain concepts like excess/defiency, wind, heat, dampness, stagnation, etc to diagnose and understand disease. I am curious, and I may be stating my question poorly, forgive me... if Chinese medicine is involved with energetics, then why does it not also discern the energetics of viruses like HIV, or the energetic structure of a chemical compound. Why can it not enter the Western medical perspective and enhance the understanding we have of biological and chemical diseases. Shouldn't it be able to work directly with the energetics of viruses? A virus is a 3-dimensional structure with its own 'signature' so to speak. Wouldn't understanding the qi of chemical nature give us the ability to alter, direct, or manipulate it in some manner?

Ah, my dear friends! I have so many questions for you. I'd be touched if you'd help me resolve some very deep doubts I have. My questions stem largely from skepticism, perhaps rooted in ignorance and fear, so I hope you'll be patient as I lay my doubts before you. First, some background on me: I surround myself with many spiritual things. Books, attitudes, aspirations, hopes, interests, etc. I feel that my life calling is at once simple and utterly mind-boggling. My task, which I feel is ordained by the inner interests and proclivities and strengths of my psyche/soul, is to harmonize deeply and totally with the vibration of the the Godhead, Tao, Universal Consciousness, Atman-Brahman, or whatever. In my moments and phases of faith my inner energy, understanding, language, and self-knowledge all change drastically. There is nothing to this anymore than genuine faith - no particular meditation or practice or anything else. These tools served their purpose upon culminating in several periods of self-realization. I have seen the laws of the conventional universe bend and even violently break down in service of this distinct vibration of enlightened consciousness. The very essence of my mind merges with revelation and all becomes synchronized, holy, and spiritual. I have explored this perspective over and over and consistently found that the Universe is utterly and profoundly trustworthy in its response to a vibrationally awake consciousness. I wish I could live entirely on this principle But simultaneously, I have been raised in the conventional world, and I find myself drawn into a relationship with the reality of making a living. I have an ingrained karmic pattern that compels me to seek some sort of security or consistency as a worker in the world. While my intuition is to have nothing to do with this dimension, and while my experience consistently shows that the vibrationally awakened consciousness can tread like light over the waters that bind the conventionally embedded consciousness, I still cannot shake the thought which impels me toward career and stability. The masters Ive studied all advise over and over that one must attend to ordinary life, to participate to some degree in the workings of society and convention. On one level, there is no separation between the ultimate principle and worldly consciousness. On another, worldly consciousness acts on the spirit like a powerful blinder and generates countless illusions. I find that the only thing that compels me to a career is the wavering of faith, and I have acknowledged this wavering as the movement of maya over the oceanic stillness of God, as expressed through the limiting neurobiology of the human organism. I tell you, I hope not to be perceived as a fool, or one undergoing some sort of neurosis. The fruits of meditation are very real to me and very sweet, and I feel that my greatest offering, my greatest groundedness is in remaining with this spiritually sweet essence that binds and releases matter, that appears and vanishes as the consciousness, which flows timelessly and directionlessly and weightlessly through all that exists. When I remain in THAT essence, the Universe is nothing but the unfolding of a constant precious miracle that is at once intimately my home and my dearest love and still the most fathomless mystery of all. I have considered going to graduate school to learn Chinese medicine. Why? Because I have suspected that it knows something of this subtle unity of the universe I have spoken about and how it relates to the human organism. I have invested hope and faith into the prospect of entering the marketplace, so to speak, without losing connection to my primary essence and purpose, which is to remain awake. Whether that brings success or failure, life or even death is not important in the least. If God chooses that this form should die, it will die, and my greatest challenge is to acknowledge and accept that. So I have pondered, is Chinese Medicine truly rooted in an awakened consciousness, or is it a system that deviates from reality while wearing the garbs of some esoteric truth? Is it possible to know without practicing and learning? I want to know, can acupuncture liberate minds, can studying it bring about a deeper integration and clarity to this consciousness, or will it cloud it and bog it down with knowledge? Can one become a professional, an educated being, and remain true to the inward humility and sanctity necessary to commune with the divine essence? For those of you in school, or out of school, or teaching school, do graduates of chinese medicine succeed in the world? Can they make a difference in others' lives? Can they financially support their loved ones and family members as householders? Is the medicine totally genuine, or does one have to become a cheat, a salesman, a con in some respects to maintain a practice? Does the medicine touch the levels of the spirit? Can the medicine evolve to suit the inner mission of the practitioner? What are its limitations? Most of all, I do not understand how one can be immersed in the world of finance while remaining in harmony with the Dao. The burden of debt that the education comes with, and the practical complications of starting and running a business frighten me, as I feel they may cost me my inner spiritual integrity.

I see Taoism as a root science from which other laws of being can be understood. One can learn music, health, martial arts, healing, or any other science/art from Taoism. We can also reverse engineer the principles of Taoism by studying other arts. Taoism is about uniting heaven and earth, whatever the hell that means. Recognize the deathless and the divine and immortality is right here within and around us at all times. In my not so humble opinion anyone striving for physical immortality is a fucking idiot. The immortal is the cosmic principle, this is clear as day in all teachings. As for prolonging life - this is a quantitative goal. A more balanced desire is to live a qualitatively better life. If one wants to practice internal healing arts and live longer as well, that's fine, but wishing for more than one's allotted life span indicates greed and attachment, and is certainly not in alignment with the cosmic principle, which is totally detached and utterly loving.

The great thing about this forum is that there are lots of brilliant, kind, and curious folk who do explorations and experiments like this, so thank you Infinity, for your unique contribution to this eclectic group of people.

What was that asshole thinking composing something like this?

Worth a read. This woman knows what she's talking about: http://www.salon.com/2014/11/23/karen_armstrong_sam_harris_anti_islam_talk_fills_me_with_despair/

Many Christians live in countries and societies that are well-developed, stable, peaceful. They're well-educated and exposed to many, many differences in people's religions and whatnot. It hasn't always been that way. Christians used to do terrible things in the name of their Christ-figure. Islamic countries like Syria and Afghanistan and Iraq where these "terrorists" apparently come from are torn up by political and economic turmoil. Many Islamic countries have been in such turmoil for a long time now, and it's not hard to see that the "noble" European and American governments have played a significant role in causing the instability in these countries. The society's influence on the individual is very important and hugely underestimated when these issues are talked about. The education and environment of the individual is very important in determining how that person understands and interprets their world, their religion, their duties, themselves. I don't know as much as manitou on this subject, but it seems like there are people "growing up under the foot" of American and European military, police, politicians, etc. It makes sense to me that they would become extreme in their attempts to preserve national identity, and religion is a huge part of that in many parts of the world. So extremism in Islam is not strictly between the individual/faction and the religion, it's also part of a socio-economic current. These people are in turmoil. Having freedom of speech in the West may excuse us from political and legal ramifications, but to Islamic extremists what these "artists" produce insults their national and religious identity, something that is already under attack and very fragile. I'm not excusing or pardoning murder. What I am saying is that as "more evolved" people, which I personally don't consider satirists to be, we have a responsibility to think holistically and tolerantly, and act in accordance with the good of all. There is a lot of pain and hurt in the developing world. The people of these war-torn countries have been mistreated and unfortunately there are people in positions of privilege who are adding insult to injury by further mocking their religious beliefs. It takes a big, stupid, insensitive ego to go and do something like that. All that said, these killers must have been raised in some very harsh, confusing, and painful environments to be capable of committing such an atrocious crime as this. It's sad both ways. I feel the same way about the Interview movie Sony released. Hitting an angry, traumatized, isolated, rabid dog on the head with a stick, even if you're 4,000 miles away, spells trouble.

I knew a woman three years ago. She was ostracized by a lot of people. but I had space and she had content and we fit together like hand and glove. As we became close I noticed that she carried a deep trauma in her. A slamming door in the evening set her off on some irrational highly emotional tirade; a passerby on the street gave her "weird vibes" where there were none; and the reactions, often powerfully negative, from those around her got me thinking: I think this woman has PTSD. When I moved away she was the last person I saw, and I thought about her every day. We talked on the phone and she started telling me strange stories about being abused and yelled at and attacked in streets. I try to explain the importance of attitude to her and encountered immense, insurmountable resistance. I'm called a "victim-blamer." I distrust this side of her. The stories she tells are unreasonable, and the frequency with which she encounters negativity astounds me, as my experience in s free of threat of any sort. In my heart I blame her and feel guilty for it. I know that she is the common factor in all this pain. I continue to care and love for her and miss her. Nine months ago I moved back to the city she was in. I saw her and while I was visually startled by how much weight she had gained, I still knew who she was inside and how much I loved her. She was already a little bit heavy when we met, but it was attractive on her. But the additional weight started to bother me when I touched her. No matter where I put my hands or how closely I tried to hold her, I could not feel her. I just felt fat. I had never hugged somewhat carrying so much extra weight before and it took me a few hours to figure out what was wrong: I couldn't feel her vital energy. I couldn't feel the life force that her organs would normally radiate out to me. I realized I was totally repulsed by this. I recall smelling something subtle but terrible, too. I feel it's a pity and a terrible shame that I let her incubate in this negativity for so long. I had an opportunity to help her 2 years ago when things seemed to get really bad.

Unhealthy friend has found herself in a hospital now, feeling "seriously not healthy." I can't say I'm not at least a little upset. But at the same time, I'm angry and aware, seeing finally through my own facade of tolerance for the level of bullshit behind this catastrophic negativity and illness. Something in me has stirred today, my face is changing, the incessant pull toward helping those who have placed themselves beyond the reach of help is thinning in intensity. The draw toward subtlely unifying with and tending to the needs of others is breaking. I have seen my fault. I have seen the harm it does me to care in this way, to move in and fulfill the imagined needs that I project upon those who are struggling and unhappy - and oh there are so many. I undoubtedly have compassion, but I have bent too much, accommodated every falsehood, allowed myself to romanticize others in their utter stupidity in hopes that such "love" would break the spell and let their potential free. Today I found a part of myself. I found how to say "enough of this shit" and "not on my watch." Somehow i've realized that I don't have to tolerate incessant illness, negativity, and ignorance. I never had to banish it from anyone else's life. I'm the one who doesn't like it. Hahhahaah. And I've been trying to get others to let go... what an irony! You were all right.

You can't wake someone else up or interfere with a 14 billion year old process of physical-emotional-mental-spiritual evolution. That's ego at work. In fact there's no on/off button on spiritual ignorance. The psyche is a multi-dimensional infinitely-faceted psycho-organic super-power-house. By which I mean, it's way more complex than you think. Furthermore, your dream that other people are asleep and you're awake is just a dream. The binary concept of awake/asleep is a huge part of ignorance. It's more accurate to perceive it as a spectrum - sure there's a true zenith, but the infinite variances in human genetics and conditioning, not to mention the possibility of infinite karma, determines the capacity and preparation for awakening. Also, as All are part of a One, there's no one awake or asleep but yourself. It's true what you say: you simply aren't hungry enough for awakening yet to pursue or "achieve" it. The majority of you is still asleep. The majority of "US" is still asleep. It's all one thing though, man, and if you saw it that way, you'd not think people are delusional or foolish. It's just nature, and it's you.

Many moons come and go without my noticing, but every once in a while my attention gets drawn to astrological concepts and today in particular stands out. I randomly watched a couple TV shows today - something I don't normally do - and they were both about religious and cultural connections to astrology. I also listened to an interview with Sifu Chris Matsuo, a name I've been trying to remember for a few weeks, and apparently the interview took place on a full moon and was a topic of brief discussion in the interview. My ex also started her menstrual cycle today and I had a brief explosion of uncontained rage while doing the dishes and had to excuse myself from the kitchen. A kind of Chicago-Shaman character I met last month told me that the moon is kind of like a "psychic vacuum" and stores unprocessed psychological and emotional content in a way, and then reconnects us to those unprocessed vibrations depending on its position in the zodiac and phase. So I'm curious, any other full-moon experiences today? And do you think anything of the moon in general?

I used to perform a thought experiment as a way of identifying and working through hang-ups. I'd like to share it. What I imagine is that I have just descended from 'above' somewhere, into this Earth character. I assume his name and form and I have at my disposal whatever resources this being has at his disposal. I also, for convenience's sake, know names of the various characters he's likely to encounter and deal with, but otherwise, I'm totally unconnected to any emotional experiences or conditioning he has ever had. So, what do I do? How do I feel now? What do I want to experience? Well, I have results like this: First, I become acutely aware of the present moment, not in a spiritual way, but as an acute intimacy with my immediate environment: I marvel for a while at the contour, color, and spatial properties of the world I'm inhabiting. I see how interesting it is to have an experience, whatever it may be or look like. I "download" the rules of the environment, like how to use money and where things are, but for the most part I'm just interested in walking around and experiencing things. What is water, what is this feeling I'm having, etc etc. The habit-based consciousness inevitably influences things. As the two modes of perception - the habitual one and the experimental one - flicker in conflict, I get a feeling for the main sources of conditioning - desires and aversions - that unnecessarily guide my way in life. A stupid example. I'll notice that hunger, the kind I ordinarily feel about 6 or 7 times a day, is a sort of emotional phenomena and that food is far less interesting to me in the experimental state than in the ordinary one. In fact, I have no idea what hunger is and don't care in the experimental state. I don't associate the feelings in my stomach with food at all, and they're just background noise to my otherwise fascinating adventure. Emotionally it's impossible to feel dissatisfied or unhappy in the experimental state because I don't have any experiences or presumptions yet about myself or the world. I have no desire for comfort, because I don't know what discomfort is. I'm feeling very open, curious, and intrigued by the world. Grass fascinates me. Grass of all things! I never pay any fucking attention to grass in my normal consciousness. Water intrigues me, especially running water, out of a tap or down a stream, or whatever. It's like being a child, or like being on drugs or something. Or sometimes I think, "What is sleep? Why sleep?" and I find myself doing things I haven't done since I was a teenager - staying up all night, feeling altered states of consciousness, getting to know the world and my humanness anew without any preconceptions of responsibility. I once didn't show up to work when feeling this way and went to this breakfast place instead. I had faith that things would work out for them (I worked for a large corporation I didn't give a damn about). On my drive home I noticed this sign I'd never seen before, saying "collision repair" and thought "what's that," and then some dude synchronistically rams his car into mine, doing just enough damage to merit an insurance claim, but not enough to repair. Instead of getting paid $60 at work, I got paid $800 to eat breakfast and get rear-ended. I digress... In time, as I can only maintain a truly fresh perspective for a short while, key questions start moving through my mind. "Soul questions" that I can't shake even in experiment mode, like: what the fuck is this stuff? Who the hell am I? Am I stuck in this body?? And universal characteristics of ignorance like "I don't want this to ever end!" "I really like that, but I hate this!" Lots of universal-type conditioning slowly creeps in. I get perspective on how I came to be conditioned, and can use the fresh awareness as a contrast from which to base new kinds of decisions. I got pretty used to living in this state for a while a couple years back when a friend invited me to go on a meditation retreat. I didn't see the point, but I thought what the hell, and dropped a thousand bucks to go on a 45 day retreat. The whole scene, Buddhist and all, was really funny to me. A bunch of people were sitting in a room for 8 - 10 hours a day pretending to be trapped in personal identities and sitting on their arses all day trying to get enlightened. Truly hilarious! Ironically, it was ultimately that meditation retreat where I totally forget about the experiment, and decided to start meditating, whatever that means. Vice versa actually - I meditated and then forgot about the experiment. And while I felt the calm and acute power of serenity for several weeks after leaving meditation, I had this powerful sense that I had lost something of great significance. I couldn't figure out how to get myself into the experiment again and couldn't really generate the state of fresh consciousness I was acclimating myself to living in. Benefits and disadvantages. The more I experimented with this state, back in the day, the more interesting my experiences became. I started synthesizing this altered state with my Advaita inquiries and exercises, and I found it to potentiate and accelerate results. A lot of my behaviors changed drastically. I started sleeping outdoors every night, I walked alertly and alively, I felt like a visitor to this planet, rather than a permanent occupant, and my energy and joy levels beamed around me. I still have pictures from those days that people took of me and there's this radiant and rather mysterious quality I see in myself when I look at them, which obviously makes me really happy. I became more sensitive to my own body and to the bodies of others. For a while I could feel my brain, the weight of the damn thing, sitting in my skull as I moved about - now that was genuinely fascinating. Perceiving your own brain in any capacity is fucking cool as shit. Anyway. The most practical application I know of is to use this state to identify key conditioning and triggers that dull your sense of presence in the world. Why this habit? Why that response? What's the use in being this way? It turns out a lot of what has accumulated is not valuable in living a good life. Attachments look silly, many habits exist in a self-justification loop - I have to sleep at so and so time to do such and such thing in the morning. It really is a good bit of fun.

Grotto, I've been thoroughly interested in this thread since its conception as I have a very strong affinity with the transparency of Yogananda's autobiography. I haven't heard too many others talk so openly about the profound and miraculous side-effects of spiritual practice. I believe the miracle aspect of teachings is so frequently left out so as not to draw the wrong kind of attention, but for someone like myself who has experienced countless miracles associated with an elevated state of consciousness, the book was priceless in showing me that I am not alone or simply delusional. I agree that many many teachings "undersell" (your words) the magnificence of spiritual practice and awakening. I looked up your above quote and found the book you're reading and decided to order it for myself. I have fallen out of any sort of practice for the past two years and I think I'm coming around to cultivating again, and I feel this book might be an excellent place to pick back up.

Just kidding... You just gotta meditate and keep it real, go on walks, appreciate nature, beauty, expand your consciousness, feel your unity with the sun, until you become it.

I'd posit a few changes. The qualities the author attributed to the moon can more universally be applied to all things. Setting up the moon as an exemplification of realization limits the nature of realization, which is conditionlessly self-realized in all things timelessly and eternally. The Entire Nature of Things is without violence, without worry, and without self. The Entire Nature of All Beings and Non-Beings is at Rest in Universal Peace. All things are faithful to their nature and all things are without diminished power. All things influence subtlely and remain themselves forever. I will say, the reflection of the one moon on a thousand ponds, is pretty damn cool, and as a smaller life form planted firmly upon a planet, I lack the appropriate qualities to reflect in so many ponds, but otherwise I am the moon in all ways. The attribution of unenlightenment to themselves is one of the main factors in keeping potentially awake people asleep. The attribution of enlightenment to themselves is one of the main factors in keeping potentially awake people asleep. Therefore there is no awake, no asleep, no moon, no seer, not one, nor many, nor any quality or quantity that has never been conceived. Everyone is the moon.

A video of Ramesh Balsekar. Hadn't heard of him before last night, but he stands out to me as a fully qualified master of Advaita. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyaMHCAJm9Q Those eyes, man.

Regarding Kahlil, I deeply respect his writing, but could never quite understand it. I think the mix of being cryptic and simultaneously highly emotional is a quality I expect of the cosmos, not of human beings, so maybe that's why I don't really "get" him.

I do wonder about the Sun, quite a bit. I have felt the Sun shine with me as a brother, a teacher, a provider, and many other things. Depending on the state of consciousness, it sometimes feels like it is not only on me, but in me - as close to me as my own heart. I have thought about its hidden presence in all living things and understood its worship while gazing intimately at a leaf. More recently I have contemplated the Sun as a painter. As He rises in the morning his photons are spread all over our good Earth and everything comes to life. Darkness turns into magnificent color and the dance of life resumes from subtle to gross activity. I have thought of how the Sun refracts through our atmosphere and creates the illusion of blue skies, which vanish as the procession of night comes again and reveal the expanse of the cosmos. I have thought of how the Sun is the creator of a very fascinating illusion and I have yet to figure out how to put this into words. It's like the world we live in by day is created over and over by the presence of this light. I don't know, there's something ineffable to the influence of the sun.

I've had this rather embarrassing problem lately, which is that I get very frightened at night before going to sleep. I feel encroached upon in the darkness, and like someone or something else is nearby, lurking in the shadows... lol Anyway, I've also had almost a week straight of the same basic dream. There is something or someone unfamiliar lurking around the house, but I can never seem to catch him. He's very sneaky. Last night I decided to wear my socks to bed. I'm not sure why. I never do this. They just felt so damn good. And I had the feeling they would help me keep some of my energy while sleeping, as I often fall too deeply into rest and have a difficult time turning back on. Anyway, I slept better and experienced the following: Last night in the dream, I actually caught up with this guy - the man lurking in the shadows. I don't remember how I got outside, but I was in my front yard when I saw him running through some bushes. I haven't left the house yet in this series, so that stood out as significant. It was night time but the street was well-lit by some imaginary street lights my mind set up. I followed the guy until we were on the boarder of the yard and the street. He was holding something like a cane/umbrella and pretending it was loaded with some kind of bullet or magic dart, and he was threatening me with it. He was standing by something like a transparent blackish-silver hearse that I barely took notice of - I'm not even sure it was there. But I noticed that he was holding my dog, Picasso, protectively. He was basically kidnapping my fucking dog. I didn't fight him or anything, our confrontation was largely energetic. I contemplated him and his weapon and He seemed to be on some megalomanic trip of esoteric proportions. I felt that all he could really do is delay the inevitable: that he was to fuck off, apologize, grovel, and give back the dog to me. I drifted out of the dream at some point, without any particular conclusion, but with a very happy feeling that I had found this fucker who has been causing me sleep anxiety every night. No idea what it means.

While I think you hit the nail on the head, Gendao, I want to follow up on this thread for the benefit of anyone else who might encounter their Shadow in dreams or in waking life. It took a day of passive contemplation to get at what this interpretation means to me, and I think I've reached some conclusions. The truth is, I do have an esoteric megalomaniac laying dormant in my body/ego. I thought about this and recognized that knowing this is in no way a threat to my sense of self, so I just let it in and accepted it. It's just a fact - I've seen it. That the Shadow would try to infiltrate my home during sleep and kidnap my dog, indicates that this part of my personality is interested in coming out (of dormancy) right now, particularly since I've recently joined a forum (this one) full of incredibly interesting and impressive thinkers. It probably wants to keep up with some of the more "well-developed" personalities here. By being here I have felt an uneasy self-awareness grow, and I'm learning that I have so much developing left to do, so it makes sense that this uneasy megalomaniac character would sneak into my home with some fake magic weapon (the pretense of a legitimate skillset or understanding) and steal my dog (perhaps a symbol of creeping in through my mammalian brain?) I want to tell anyone who encounters their shadow like this, that it is okay to accept the shadow. It takes some self-honesty and confidence to accept that we have less than perfect parts of ourselves, and a bit of discipline and awareness to not become our shadows, but these characters are really just manifestations of feelings we've buried, like inadequacy or fear. After that confrontation in the dream, I've slept very well and have had no fear come up when going to sleep anymore. I've been down the road of the seeker pretending to be realized before and it frankly cracks me up, and I don't think my conscious mind would allow for such a take-over to happen again. This forum has really been a blessing to find and participate in, and I recognize that humility and honesty are much more powerful qualities that synergize better with my current personality than the pretense of esoteric wisdom ever could. I'm really passionate about learning, not necessarily in having all the answers, so I think this part of me can take the hearse back into the lower subconscious and R.I.P.