move to the last 3 paragraphs if you want brevity
hello, i’ve avoided posting at places like this [though i’ve read posts] until now as i’ve been looking for wisdom around me and have thought/been able to deal with the crises that have emerged so far on my own. of course, finding an actual teacher has not been easy, with all the misunderstanding of kundalini in seekers and its relative prevalence. plus good teachers don’t seem to take on many pupils. okay, i’ll try to keep this precise and incisive. i will address the questions through a life history.
male, 22 now
apparently depressed for life [increasingly] and have always been very emotional/energetic [when young only] and philosophical, attempting to understand possible psychological influences now that the time is right for understanding
kundalini woke up a little bit when i first felt emotion [ever] for 1 second at 19 in romance of an apparent true nature. at the same time i had an experience of entering a rainbow elevator and entering another dimension where a prototypical alien head radiated rainbow energy into my mind. still don’t know how to interpret that. soon after lack of emotions/processing of the self-caused failure of that romance due to inaction [the most positive event in my life so far] and rashness led to entering what has been technically described in all the traditions as the lowest level of hell [i had been to apparent visionary hell many times before, but not as bad or lucid] through a prolonged extreme seizure that grasped onto the unprocessed psychological baggage [mouth foaming/eyes all over the place, paralysis but conscious at times, perception of extreme dehydration and suffocation, etc]. this left me feeling like my mind was broken/something intangible was missing to which i still don’t really understand. i had broken my leg badly and whatnot but this confirmed that psycho-spiritual pain accesses a brain faculty that can go rampant in a way no external or emotional-biological pain can match. probably. later kundalini experiences have seemed to confirm this, which is why i am posting - the most recent one. this event spurred extremely healthy diet, and beginning meditation. eventually diet would evolve into my own version of super nutrition, which again will fade out into less concerted but more ethical yet still healthy eating once i normalize. sometime in here i had an apparently ‘channeling’ experience after i entered my 8th cakra for the first time where it felt like my crown cakra was the top of a hill with a radio antenna where i perceived so many thoughts as sort of a mental-tactile manifestation of non-sensory meaning that emerged from this background [non-perceptual] television screen fuzz. this was managed easily.
eventually a doctor in the nuclear family suspected i was depressed as it/mental illness runs in the entire genealogy on both sides. first drug worked euthymically for a week, then full initial-stage of stage 1 [body/cells having sex with itself] kundalini appeared in the course of 5 minutes with my first ever real sensation of my body [depersonalization being the clinical heading for anhedonia/energy/emotional blunting] followed up by the creating-destroying involution of meaning Mystery as i looked at the exact same object and simultaneously realized was the same object i had looked at as a kid when i first felt kundalini. the strange thing is when i was that kid i remember looking at that fountain and thinking ‘this moment will become relevant to me later in life and i will know it when it happens.’ i do this every now and then. this was my first hint at the understanding of intuition, memory, deja vu, and the true nature of time. that was so cool.
experiences got much better and much worse. meditation was enhanced, i would see my fully developed golden third eye and smell amrita simultaneously, astral project every now and then, eventually feel real emotions, think in more simultenaity, feel the beginnings of peace, need a little less sleep, etc etc. with a little more time, downside was i would wake up as if mentally prodded in the time between 2-4 am and seemingly perceive many small demons around my first experience of my aura fiending for my soul. i was not physically paralyzed, so this probably wasn’t primarily clinical sleep things like paralysis. essentially, this felt like a minor version of the seizure experience, where my soul felt torn apart by demons pulling it apart while it exploded with fire of pure pain from the inside. but i could resist this time. no one so far really understands this, obviously, and until the recent experience, the point of this post, i fluctuated between spiritualizing and psychologizing the demons of this particular experience.
anyway i appeared to learn how to deal with that [my 3rd chakra was slowly developing as i got used to my emotions] while feeling like i would go insane due to the pain in the moment, the shock after waking up, the lack of understanding around me, and the fear of going to sleep. then i got much better at self control and further refined diet and i began to push/pull the bright clear kundalini up the spine and fill up the chakras, getting as far as the crystalline jewels of manipura and the first emergence of real kundalini energy, while lakshmi and saraswati nadis filled up. i could tell my crown was not open, so i started on it and opened it in 6 mos. with manipura, it was nauseatingly pleasurable, as the kundalini began to take on the crown-like shimmery reflective crystalline aspect before the heart showed itself.
i never got to the heart, as an external factor caused a mixed mania, after which my brain was never as firm, and i progressively became depressed and dissociated from my body and more in tune with my crown chakra [opening it fully], eventually causing me to spontaneously get sucked up into my 8th chakra and float above my body controlling it like a puppet with strings. this went away, and the next day i woke up with a new sensation as if i was being pulled out of my crown chakra into my 8th but because of the body dissociation due to depression this was perceived as my nervous system being ripped out of me – an imbalance of body-mind. this felt like a variation of the pain of the demons, but without the idea of demons being present. this lasted for many weeks and absolutely nothing helped, and i felt like i would either go insane or kill myself. i couldnt really tell anyone as they’d just be annoyingly minimizing-consoling [friends], blame me [teachers], or not believe/not understand [family]. i was in the fetal position, sweating, shaking, all day trying not to scream [i was at school, supposed to get ready for finals] and trying to make myself pass out. all i could think was ‘why is this happening,’ as part of the 4 same initial thoughts [what is going on, what did i do to deserve this, how is this possible] i felt when kundalini first appeared in earnest. irony is important philosophically.. at that point i called the dr. and got clonazepam and it went away immediately. i wish i remember how i got to the store like that..
ok, so then i had a clear light experience where i saw my nadis and floated up into light, which was a fuller manifestation of what i’d had before kundalini fully appeared. that was pretty cool, but i had fear [depressed] and retreated – the defining theme of my reaction to the most emotionally significant moments of unknown change throughout my life. then i think at that point chitrini filled up.
still depressed at this point, but meditating and doing yoga and japa more and more... depsite the body-mind dyssychrony, due to a desire to facilitate what was happening anyways. and it helped the depression. then i felt the front nadis all connect from ajna to svadisthana in an intricate web-like fashion. then i had a dream of kali, which was horrible. then there was some dream where i passed thru sushumna through brahma and burst into the 8th cakra. scary. then i saw the moon send energy into ajna. then i saw ganesha’s white elephant. this made me seriously wonder about hinduism. then i began to experience emerald-purple tripur sundari in ajna as i did more japa. i was exploring the strange dream space of bindu visarga. then the kicker, my heart opened up all of a sudden into the hridayakasha and i fully left my body/self/reason and experienced ecstatic vibrational love in the fiery vajra heart of mystery void. due to the depression and over-rationality, my rational faculty manifested and the experience didn’t last long. but, this laid the experiential foundation for true faith, and i am now left with attempting to notice and accept the mystery of the unanswerable questions that the experience brings up. i saw the experiential counterpoint to the philosophical mysteries i love.
ok, then i began to have a mild version of the rod entering my spine and perceiving something mental i can only describe as the fuller manifestation of the manipura energy combined with this tactile-mental manifestation of pure colorful sensory perception. this was good, like a follow up but not fully developed manifestation of the heart experience. then i woke up one day and my entire body was vibrating with the ecstatic heart. again a further follow up, but this lasted only 1 day due to external/not endogenous factors that interacted with the depression.
then another external substance made me manic, and everything went down again. sooo there have been good times since then, but pretty inconsistent. i see now that while you do have to inculcate things while depressed, it’s more about lifestyle stuff and consistency and attitude/tendencies. many perceptual things don’t transfer, and can only be learned during the euthymic and moreso the heightened state. unfortunately the personality tendencies of the depression have been ingrained, the worst outcome possible, as kundalini only makes this harder to deal with. but it’s definitely possible/happening to move past it.
ok ok finally, i have found something that works, but as i get better the negative experiences [demon] are returning. unfortunately mystical philosophy is more mood-contingent than some hyper-rational western philosophy, which is wonderful, but it means the conclusions we come to sometimes take forever to be teased out from mood fluctuations, as is the nature of the history of philosophy, the more self-aware philosophy. those two are very similar. i believe kundalini pleasure states are effective for bringing up traumas [beyond just oh my body’s shaking and i feel emotions and energy blockages, but the content of actual spontaneous flashback-like mysterious emotional processing in the granthis/elsewhere], but this despair has shown me the true nature of memory as the seat of worldly consciousness that allows us to fully process the pain so that the bliss can be transformed into the neutral mind. i wasn’t able to do this the first time around, but i have learned a little by now. funny enough, the first time around i realized i would only be able to do this effectively if i was thrown back into depression for a while. well....
okay so the actual question: i had a dream last night after i restarted yoga and meditation for the first time in many months. i was with my mother and searched ‘kundalini flowers’ or something on google and clicked first page. at the top was a horizontal picture with flowers on the right ¾ and a big ass demon face on the left. my mother saw it and immediately was like ‘WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THINGS LIKE THAT!?!?’ well i hadnt taken a close look, and i’ve heard not to look such things in the eyes.. but being that i am increasingly noticing the subtleties of the eyes as emotion and Being, and communication as creative spontaneous expansion of the self.. so i looked at the eyes closely and saw a depth of evil i have never seen before [in any of the prior demon experiences] – it was a depth and firmness of soul i can only equate to divinity as consciousness and existence [but without the power of Bliss] but with such intense hatred of pure desire to joyously torture. true evil, the essence of evil, something i philosophically [socially, pragmatically] had deconstructed but theologically believed in. this was not a dream. i tried to be firm and use a few cakras, but i am too weak and havent accepted myself through the pure presence of the moment, so i could tell i clearly failed and would be violently murdered if this was real. it was like it was saying ‘i am waiting for you, if you mess up, or i will come for you anyways’ and i realized if i am to continue with this kundalini i must become unimaginably stronger. i am certain this was a very powerful demon, a very high order demon... or even satan itself. by far the most frightening thing i’ve ever experienced.. worse than hell. i may have at one point asked the universe to ‘give me all it’s got.’ i am rash at the times when it’s least useful..and i try to control it in all the wrong moments [mistrust due to my rashness], as i learn from experience [i don’t think anyone has the capacity to have all knowledge of experience to be able to act purely on theory/advice without being dogmatic, unless they are a perfected creature upon birth].
my concern is, when previous similar stuff happened i was either able to make it somehow, or have faith that kundalini would progress at a slow pace for me to be able to not only integrate, but more importantly, get strong enough to deal with those extremely increasingly negative situations [let alone accept the strange neutral but not pleasurable ones that constitute transition phases]. i have no idea what will happen, and i’m not sure if i’m getting stronger at the right rate to be able to do this. i am having past traumas reprocessed automatically in a deeper degree as i get better/kundalini can work, but i feel like, as usual, my mind is racing ahead. this is not just a matter of simple grounding, or other menial mitigation techniques.. i have no idea what this is. i have only experienced absolute euthymia once in my life, and that was for 45 minutes. it was a familiar deep peace that emerged consistently when i meditated a lot during depression before the heart opening and follow up experiences, and i was able to interact with people effectively, but there was no sense of pleasure or emotions. it’s sort of possible it would have emerged with time as had happened before... but also before after 1 week exactly it blossomed into kundalini, not just normal emotions. obviously i can’t predict anything related to that. unfortunately this can be interpreted as over-identification with the heightened state, but having been depressed for my entire life, and only having experienced a sense of self and emotions [in a healthy way] through such experiences, how can you really blame me. i realize it is possible that finding self through a normal/boring state would teach me things i need as a prerequisite, and stuff i’ve read seems to imply that, not to mention old style yogic progression of practice. i mean the people who are born with experiences and become ascetics – how do they develop a sense of self, or do they really have it fully developed at birth?
but obviously, none of that still doesn’t really answer anything – should i shoot for something i may not get [euthymia] [and abandon the one medication that works] that potentially may not be necessary [euthymia] with the risk of never entering the heightened state again [i value creativity and true compassion, not to mention the depth of self that only such states can give] in order to help deal with these increasingly extreme experiences?
advice?
