Heartlumination

The only thing that I would do differently is not take practicing so seriously. Conduct practice in the manner of drinking water, naturally and without trying. Being too strict and diligent in practicing progresses one quickly along what ever path they have chosen. But in my case trying to hard made the process of having my identity or ego being broken down a very unnerving experience hence the long time of purification that I have underwent and still am transforming. I have practiced other disciplines over the past 12 years which have yielded a betterment of my person in the world or so I have thought. Feeling as though I had progressed in a manner as to where I was not living much from my ego but from my spirit. I have realized however that I had only been strengthening my ego due to my attachment to the many experiences that I have had. The last two years led me down the path of Kunlun which was the straw that broke the egos back. I have had to learn and am still learning. I no longer practice Kunlun for I realized that there is no need to be in a hurry. The more you hurry the longer you will wait. Plus there is a tinge of fear still to overcome. I let the changes continue to take place in my energetic body as I acclimate and transform into what it is that I am, am with out the I. Practice keeps us busy so we don't get sidetracked with the pleasures and glorious illusions that this reality has to offer. Is practice necessary....perhaps. Of extreme importance, not at all. Don't put it on a pedestal. It seems because being in the west we are not exposed to such things, practices or people along such paths. So we can tend to think that what we are reading or practicing is some super magical thing when in reality it is as natural as the sun rising and then going down again. So no attachment to practice, don't take it so seriously, don't be in a hurry, and don't try so hard or even try not to try so hard. Just do it with ease.

One thing that I would like to suggest is do not get attached to the bliss. My body and mind had this lesson to learn. Practicing the Kunlun System through 3 levels diligently 1 hour in the morning 1 hour in the evening. After about 2 years of increased feelings of peace and joy I had blissful rapture which brought an unexplainable and overwhelming experience which left me in complete joy and ecstasy for days. Having never felt this good in my life it became my craving and as the feeling subsided a little bit over the next few days, instead of surrendering in practice I was seeking. I had 2 more raptures over the next few months. Then eventually the bliss left and I was left with no feeling except for an ungroundedness, heart palpitations which led me to the hospital for a ridiculous panic attack. That led to anxiety and then to depression with tripped out vision. What a ride! Here I sit 8 months later, much better and still dealing with depression. They say that bliss or life experience can be considered a Pendulum, the higher it swings it must come back the other way. The higher into light you swing you must also go back the other direction equally. What I have found is don't attach any mind to the any experience wether bliss or not, no pendulum. The heart sutra says it best "Attainment with nothing to attain". The ego loves to take the ride with you and will want validation that it is doing the right thing, internal talk that says we just experienced bliss, did you feel that? Are we on the right track? Only strengthening the ego and eventually it will have to be broken down and let go. The the you who you identify with and know will have to go and leave way for your being to shine forth. The ego in me is still being broken down. Hence my many words on what I think I figured out. Acceptance, surrender and no mind are the way and the middle path, never extremes with practice or anything. The more we desire the more it evades us. The more we resist the more it persists. Just be. I hope someone might get something from this. I am open to comments, suggestions and guidance for any of those who may have gone through something similar and came out the other end. Humbly a fellow being on the journey.

Hi Nikolai1, I have been through what they call the dark night of the soul and understand what it feels like to seem that nothing can bring joy, almost like everything seems pointless. My came from dedicated energetic practice with the Kunlun system. I had many profound blissful experiences during practice as well an extreme sense of peace and joy and many other things. This eventually led to everything appearing meaningless and to me trying to figure out what happened and why it ended up this way. Which led to anxiety, depression, vertigo and other crazy things. In the thick of it I did not know what was happening in fact I went to many doctors to get blood work, an MRI and even did some counseling. Well, none of that helped and only made me start to analyze things even more. It got to the point to where I had given up hope and had exhausted this body trying to figure out how to get back to the old self. I then submitted and gave up and accepted that these are the way things are and thats ok. That is when real purification started happening. I then became aware of many things, I had always considered myself a go with the flow type of individual which I was not. I also thought I was a very selfless individual which I wasn't. I also realized that I needed to be there for others around me to share my love and energy with them. And most importantly I realized that I was attached to practicing and the experiences that it brought to my life. And that I actually knew and know nothing and everything that I thought I knew meant nothing. I can tell you what that was very hard at the time to face. 6 months of purification, I cried more in these months than in my whole life. The only thing that is not ok with anything is your identity, your ego. When you are going through the dark night of the soul you are loosing your identity and starting to live from your being. Your ego will do everything to try to remain in control hence the suffering. Your being, your soul which is beyond words, thoughts, emotions but which is pure love. Not a lustful love or an infatuation type of love but just pure love radiating out of your heart and your whole being. It is quite funny actually because I am sure you have heard the phrase "be without being" it is to be without identifying that your being. I can't even really write to explain it in a way to where intellectual words get in the way, hahaha. Being is beyond intellect. Don't try to figure out why things are the way they are just be ok with the way they are and then everything is ok. It takes a sec to do this but just be silent and watch that intellectual ego trying to protect itself and stay in control. My ego was ridiculous trying to hold onto everything and stay in control. Some things that helped me to get through this were. 1.Show love and gratitude to everyone around you. If you are not use to this it can take a second. The great thing is though that everything you radiate out radiates back on you. Radiate love the love radiates back at you. This will bring the energy into your heart which will allow you to be ok with things and also will make have a great feeling in your chest. Which will bring an unattached appreciation for the mundane things in life. Again have love for those around you and it will do wonders for you. 2. Walk barefooted as much as possible on the grass, under the trees. You need to get the energy out of your head. When you energy up in your head it can make thinks appear very illusionary making you unattached form the physical world. Also energy up in the head can lead your mind on a marathon of thinking and figuring out especially if that ego is in control and strongly intact. 3. Try acupuncture. When I was going through the thick of it I went to see a Japanese herbalist/accupuncture. He took one look at me and said that I had an extreme yin imbalance. Which cause on to carry a lot of energy up in there head as well as other things. The acupuncture only helped to ground and balance me in turn helping me have the energy to surrender and give up the trying to figure out or understanding mind. 4. One other thing that helped me to connect to the heart which is the seat of the soul is something suggested in OSHO's book of Secrets. Visualize a bright flame in your chest and let that light reflect your body. Think of this as much as you can throughout your day. Sounds strange but really quiets the mind/ego identity and puts your awareness where it should be. Give it a shot it could help. They say that if you swing the pendulum up into bliss in has to swing back the other way to balance itself, hence "the dark night of the soul". The trick then is to not get attached to any of it ups or downs. Then the pendulum disappears for it was only created because of the ego/ intellect. I can't help but laugh as I write this what a cosmic joke. Check out the heart sutra. To end this long rant, your being and your soul is always ok with everything, and knows everything and yet does not need to understand anything the one trying to understand is your intellect/ego. When you live from your being everything will always work out. Surrender, Feel,don't think just be. You will get through this be strong. I wish you well.

I have been a Quigong, Yoga, to Kunlun practicer for quite sometime. I came across this forum and was looking to share experiences as well as find advisement on a few things. Glad to be here.