Arya

Do you mean the white circles that sometimes form in my vision or certain small bright lights? I haven't seen 'electric' as of yet but I have a feeling that they may come later on. I did horse stance at the park some time ago and I had bright lights in my vision. But when I do 'Jhanic' breathing then the white lights increase very much and a bright circle forms. But I've stopped meditating. Also, no it doesn't happen with older or unattractive women.

Hi, thanks very much for the reply. I will narrate my problems if you don't mind? Answer as you see fit. So, maybe a few weeks ago I was doing 'Jhana' breathing which was prescribed by the Buddha to his monks which is basically whole body tranquility meditation so whole body breathing with continuous relaxation. I didn't have much female contact during this period except going for a walk at the park but I was developing this whole-body breathing all day during waking hours, not sitting meditation, just breathing awareness. Anyways, I developed this 'feeling' around my body, a heaviness and my movement got very, very relaxed and deliberate, like imagine a celestial being moving. Okay, I was walking with this heavy(sorry, only way I can describe it) and then I somewhat fancy a girl who's I think 14 or 15, who lives near my home, I'm 22 in 8 days. I don't know if she looked at me but I could feel this 'tingling' soft energy taking over that 'hard' heavy energy in body completely. So I am partially in love with this girl now, and keep waiting for her to show up. What this ALSO did was keep creating a strange sort of mucus on the back of throat and that mucus has returned actually, just today after going to the lady dentist. Not the encounters with the females but the whole-body breathing. I actually kept my tongue against the roof of my automatically while she was working on me! That is required in dental work, so yeah, I felt energy surging up my spine but I always get bloodshot eyes after. So my sister took me to her Nichiren Buddhist something meeting a few weeks ago where they chant and the crowd was completely female except a few guys. Now, completely female and I was sitting near a young female, so the bliss starts automatically, even with me diverting attention. After the meeting, my sister told me that I looked impossibly handsome, so this happens all the time now - I become extremely handsome in front of these females and it's HARD for them to not notice me. What a dilemma! You say that focus on unconditional love but I am finding that extremely difficult to hack, the love part. It's very difficult in the presence of females or even males. When I am sitting in meditation, the love energy is hard to conjure up. I am giving it my best. I have aches in my heart for a year now - stabbing pains in the back and what not. Bad karma ! Carefully developing good morality but morality is hard in this degenerate age without guidance and proper company. But I'm not able to meditate for awhile now, I developed breathing problems by not exercising so I started doing push-ups & pull-ups to expand my rib cage since I did fasting for a day to cure the breathing problem and it didn't work because I had this constant thirsty feeling which was definitely not a need for water but sensuality. So I took honey lemonade to break the fast. That was obviously too much for me, I will try fasting when I achieve more days with celibacy later on. You say to focus on love & compassion which I do but then I start crying because I see everything as death, dying while reality becomes dreamlike and how I will be separated from my family etc. and how everyone else will be too so that's a failure on my part. The feelings are overwhelming. Right now, I instinctively do not give my energy to females by closing up my posture, hands, chest and legs or even acting like I am dozing off and that keeps them away. Sometimes I look at the grossness of the human body which is easy to do as well. I do not *know* what emptiness is. I have read it up a few places and it looks to me like pure consciousness or observing the 'world building' till it collapses. I have experienced mild Jhana where my senses were collapsing or maybe I didn't pay attention to them while the body was absorbed in bliss. Of course, Jhana is the gateway to immortality in Buddhism so it must be similar to emptiness right? It's difficult because apparently the Tibetan monks right whole thesis on it! Lol But the problem here is that I don't feel like meditating because then I want to be a recluse and eat very less, can't function in the world etc. but I'm not aiming for immortality in this life. What if I have a wife? Will it solve all of this? Energetic vampirism and what not. How did the kings of old times handle this lose of energy while having multiple wives, consorts, dancers? So the devas(celestial gods by virtue, not meditation) have thousands of nymphs! Surely, it can't be that celibacy is actually detrimental to my health. Even if I ejaculate right now, the energetic vampirism continues, even though I might be at day 1. Only my mother & father don't react to my energy. I told my friends that I would start going to the gym and start eating, and they were happy, especially my mother as being a strong man is a source of pride I guess. So I can't even have eggs and meat now because I get extremely bad stomach ache from having meat. I don't know if it's a digestive problem or heat but it's like being punched very hard in the stomach so it's hard to sleep at night. I have meat after coming back from the gym in the night. Anyways, I have kept off the 'thirsty' feeling by eating and listening to music or watching random videos of youtube, like Japanese animation which I like very much. I need to channel this energy into creative endeavors maybe so it isn't wasted on females. Do you think this will work?

Hi, first time posting here. I really need help. I was having trouble with porn addiction at the start of this year(but it started earlier as well) and read somewhere that you have to cancel out every sexual thought before it arises. So I was stuck in this addiction very badly. Felt sapped, weak and had nightmarish intrusive thoughts, fantasies like viewing literally everyone sexually or being trapped in tiny dungeon where I couldn't even fit, sit or stand, with no escape or afraid of ghosts, like the girl from ring or grudge... anyways, I ain't having that all now and I'm pretty much not afraid of anything. But the part about not even a trace of sexual thought I took very seriously. I'm at day 25 or something this time around into abstaining but I went about 70 odd days without any sexual thought before relapsing. That initiated internal orgasms for me. SO I could look at a female and orgasm. If I looked at her behind especially. Okay I'm 26 days into it now and I've stabilized the no sexual thought mind control again, just today. I can feel the center of my brain and I just, I don't know how to describe it - I just 'click' the center of my brain, and all thoughts stop. So my problem is that I CANNOT GAIN WEIGHT. I started eating 3 meals a day but it's still difficult for me to gain weight! I developed this breathing, whole-body breathing, earlier in this period of abstaining which I think helps digest food. I didn't need to go the toilet for the whole day yesterday or today, can't remember. But I smell like poop from that! my brother complains a lot about it. I do these 3 practices - whole-body breathing, mco and abstaining from sexual thought completely. I cannot do mco for a fews days properly now cause there's a blind spot on my back! Like it's coarse and heavy(even pain which is concentrated at a small point on the right side), and I can't sense energy through there. Whenever I look at a female or there are females around me, I become MUSCULAR for a short while and then become VERY THIN for unexplained reasons. Literally everyone is who sees me is complaining that I'm too thin, need to eat more etc. It's really not good at all. People are concerned. Anyways, I need help, WHAT is going on. I was trying to do full lotus and I think I permanently injured me knee, so I can't even sit in meditation to sort this out anymore LOL

thanks for the replies all. I am doing metta practice and it heightens the pain. But yesterday I had an argument with my dad who drinks quite a lot and is an angry person. So I said, I don't think you should drink and be angry so much all the time and he started calling me stupid, foolish and so forth. He said, it's fine if I go to hell, I don't care. So I tried to help him but he called me foolish and that ruined my metta practice I think. I don't feel like I belong in this world. I need to be somewhere else, guys. I don't feel much negative emotion now, except a bit of anger now and then but that is slowly fading now that I have established the 'no thought' mind control! I don't think I'm breathing much from yesterday. The whole-body breathing has disappeared although my body awareness is still strong. My body is breathing on its own, what the? If I ejaculate I lose complete body awareness and spacial awareness. Like my top, middle and bottom become separated or something. hard to describe. So I'm more prone to intrusive thoughts and fear. All those lower emotions. I'm not quitting the practices I've established, except the whole-body breathing now, cause I can't seem to be able to do it! lol. It was a feeling of heavy air circulating from the stomach and then later intestines, depending on where the food was. Now I just fill a bit tingly all over my body and can't circulate that feeling. I sat in the sun for a long while yesterday in a long time so maybe that is the cause? dunno. ok I will do metta on every breath till the day I die, if I can from now on cause that accelerates healing by a lot. I'm trying to stabilize this visualization , like brilliant white light emanating all around me, up, down, on all corners which stretches for leagues and hopefully I can make it powerful enough to encompass the whole universe, wherever there are beings! Generate metta on the in-breathe and then send it outward on the out-breathe. You seen the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling? The scene where he goes on to kill Ron Perlman in the end, there's the beautiful white light travelling through beach from some sort of light-post, right? Kinda like that. I was thinking pink light before but pink doesn't feel right. Pink seems more of the erotic love sort of color. Which forum should I post in to get more help? thanks