non local

I can relate. I don't know what I find joy in anymore, though I am content when I'm able to "stop thinking" for extended periods (become completely absorbed in whatever it is I'm doing- even though I may not enjoy it fully). I let go of a lot, sometimes I think maybe too much at once. I don't think control is real, so in my current experience I see it more as a fleeting illusion- something I conjure up for comfort once in a while, though it's always in vain now. I'm not sure how to answer your question about qigong, nor do I think I am of a high enough attainment to answer it. I think for the most part that ego is not something to be killed off/suppressed, rather it is something to be refined/cultivated.

Yes, I've wondered if I have begun to develop some type of autism. There are long periods where I feel as though I've mentally regressed back to my preteen years, I feel more observant though my ability to articulate seems slowed down. Some of that feeling could probably be attributed to not speaking/verbalizing very often. It used to give me a lot of grief, I feel like everything I had worked towards in the past is now gone- I still feel that way, I just don't think about it as much. I still feel emotions, I am just not as easily moved to anger/happiness- intense emotions as I used to be. There probably was an event that made me feel soulless, though it's difficult to pinpoint. There were several events. Yea, I'm not sure about entities entering my body, I think it is a possibility though. A couple years ago, during what I consider to be my peak experience so far, I felt like I had another entity in my body for a week or so. My consciousness was markedly different and it was as if every preconceived notion I had of life and my surroundings had been completely erased from my mind- I never recovered from this. I've also had people tell me this was a "kundalini-arousal" episode, though I doubt that. While seeing a shaman in siberia for treatment would be nice, I don't have the funds to do so. That diet sounds a lot like my current diet, only its two meals instead of three. I'm thinking about doing a water fast soon. I appreciate your response. I read through your link, I hope you find resolution to your current affliction soon.

pray to what?

that depends on what you mean Brian. would you like a location or a vague "spiritual"/occult axiom?

note taken. I don't know anything. There was a time when I prayed often. I don't see a reason to namecall, that particular collective is simply not for me. Bypass is a decent term for what I have done for the last few years. I will perform the exercise then. It was my hope to meet a master from a legitimate lineage to train under, maybe it isn't in the cards.

I appreciate the sentiments you have expressed here gendao, I hope someone viewing this thread is able to find solace in the truths you have shared

I appreciate your response dustybeijing. I found similar sentiments expressed in the link provided and some which I have yet to express here.

1. i'm actually familiar with that exercise, is it able to be used as a standalone practice though? I worry about taking this exercise out of the context of the system it was designed within, as I have read of many qigong practitioners experiencing negative effects from either mixing qigong exercises/practices from different lineages or from practicing a particular exercise alone leading to an imbalance. 2. I honestly haven't been paying much attention to my diet, I believe it is what one would describe as vegan. The majority of my meals are lentil based, I eat twice a day- not very much. 3. It is funny in the non laughing way that you should mention masturbation and the imbalances it can cause. I actually just broke celibacy(about 4 months this time) two days ago. I've done enough long stretches to become aware of the result of celibacy and I do believe it is a positive for one with the aim of self-realization. I find that I broke celibacy for much the same reason that I started/stopped smoking cigarettes- at a point I didn't see a reason not to. With all of the internal pressure and familiar sensations of alienation, the isolation probably doesn't help abate, my resolve began to regress. 4. I hear you. Sitting meditations and Trataka, both practiced with a zeal and without guidance- I'm sure is what did me in. Many realizations, although I'm not at all sure as to how helpful the majority of them were/are. The life that was before I began any type of spiritual pursuit, became the most elusive thing to me for a long while. I tried so many different methods to try and return there. I never got so much as a glimpse. I've tried genuinely to move on and just start anew, although it's much easier said than done in this time in my life, I've spent decades building myself up- only to be shattered on a whim, yknow? This is the time that people say I should be having the time of my life, that I should be establishing exactly what it is that I'd like to pursue in life- and. And I don't even feel human anymore, I barely identify with this life anymore- even my family, i no longer have friends. It is very difficult sometimes, the feeling that births a post such as the one you replied to. I have not prayed in a long time. I feel like if I pray I'm only empowering some meta entity/thought-form thing. I used to identify with the christian faith a few years ago, though I found that trying to put a label with such heavy connotations/history onto my practice/life very complicated/taxing and just not worth it in the end--not logical--. 5. I don't take baths, and although I'm open to the suggestion, I know I lack the funds to do so at the moment. I appreciate your responses OldChi