non local

It's as though the world and all the people around me turned to glass, everything seems so transparent and I don't see a reason, or feel a desire/passion to do much of anything at all- I don't see anything to achieve anymore. All goals that pop up once in a while are fleeting/dying constructs of the past. It's been this way for years now, although it's getting progressively worse with each passing month. The lines of demarcation between people are becoming less and less defined, their actions/words all very similar and transparent. I feel like my individuality is in a state of constant erosion, and that state is affecting my perception of/projection onto the world? Life no longer holds meaning for me personally, and that bothers me as the society I live in is very goal oriented and promotes this fierce sense of individuality within people- so I don't quite fit. I'm not having the "time of my life" or "beginning to settle into my career", as many say I should be at this age. I find life becoming more and more simple, though I feel less and less reason to try to "keep up". This causes my family grief and maybe friends of whom I no longer have contact. I tried living for them alone and it always comes to a point where I just collapse from the pressure and from having nothing of my own- no dream, dreams were very important to me, I had a few.

You come across as learned in this area/facet of internal cultivation. I googled kidney yang deficiency and the a lot of the symptoms I found seem to match up well with my experience. soreness of the knees Social withdrawal no thirst Clear urine Clear phlegm from sinuses or lungs Emaciation/Poor appetite Can't taste foods a tendency to catch colds easily impotence/infertility (idk- maintaining periods of several months of celibacy(physical/mental) is very easy to me) Frequent urination etc etc etc etc I've also found that my balding/thinning that started to become more noticeable over the past few years has to do with a weakness of the kidneys? I thought this excerpt I came across was interesting, "Herbs, drinks, and food that are Cold in nature or are served cold should be avoided along with raw fruits and vegetables, juices, and iced beverages. Detoxification herbs are very Cold and would further compromise the Yang of the body for someone who is already Yang Deficient." Especially seeing as how I have raw fruits/vegetables for breakfast every day and oftentimes I blend them with a little ice, and though I only eat about two meals a day, lentils/raw vegetables-fruits make up the larger part of my diet. Thank you for your response

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3e_BghB0XU

You still keep doing the "..." thing. "Trying to help me see the error of your sureness", I'm not sure where you're getting this "sureness" from. No. "We" is important to you, the "we" I was/am speaking about was/is obviously in the context of the dialogue you've been engaging in- not some lofty dao/tao micro/macro thing- just a regular internet forum dialogue. If I should appear to be anything to you, it should be tired of your commenting on my post, as I've already clearly stated. Open my eyes to what? The narrative you recommend/life as you believe it is? ""Honestly, your attitude proves the point I was making. "I don't want to be friends with you, because you have a different opinion to me"...very enlightening."" I believe my definition of friend/"buddy" differs greatly from yours. I have no friends in life, and a passer by on an internet forum spouting an ideology I've already seen through would definitely not begin to qualify. Besides the fact that I do not believe in friendship. I do not want to be your friend, because not only do I not know you well enough, you have made it clear that you have nothing to teach me. When did I use the word enlightening or say anything about enlightenment. "I don't want this to be some back and forth slapping contest. You're welcome to your own views and experience." Stop commenting on my post then. As if I wasn't already entitled to my own views/experience. "Good luck finding whatever it is that you're looking for right now." Stop commenting on my post.

Note taken. To an extent I think it's all that can be done. Language/alphabets being something like constellations, and each person to an extent "in their own universe", using those stars to communicate. Even though two people may look up at the same sky at night, they may see two very different things. Language is fallen to me, so often it births confusion/things unintended I speak as little as possible. I wish I didn't have to speak at all. To me words are like insufficient warped pieces of tupperware trying desperately to contain streams(expressions) of the infinite liquid intelligence above them, to no avail. I don't think nasa is literally covering up the planet being some sort of prison- or that it is being used as one by whomever, I think they are just keeping very important pieces of history/astronomy "under wraps" so to speak, inherently keeping the overwhelming majority of people "in the dark" about where they are and who they are(or at least what their potential is). By keeping people in the dark about it, they are "imprisoning" them in a way? I don't think this is the only kind of information being used against people to keep them more docile/complacent though. I think the cathars were cool. You like hermetics and martial arts? I think that's cool.

There is no we here, you entered my post with an air of condescension/pretension, and you heavy use of "...". Saying "we", suggests there was a mutual dialogue/conversation happening, when all you were trying to do is impose your own polarized beliefs and you expected me to greet you/your ideals with open arms. Gloomy? Do the things I say make you sad? I don't care, I already stated I was uninterested in anything else you had to add. Ah yes, the "ego", quite a construct to bring up during a volunteered dialogue on this forum. Do you suggest I dissolve it/kill it off, maybe bypass it completely? Maybe I should live from a place of non-ego? I don't care what you think. I am not your buddy, I am someone using this forum who posted a topic you decided to comment on.

How would you define waking up?

I cannot tell if you genuinely are lacking in reading comprehension, or ifyou're engaging me in semantics, I think the latter I met new agers years ago claiming they had knowledge of "a way", which they did though it was one that never felt at home to me, so I took it upon myself to gain an understanding of why they believe the things they do/the general new age mindset. I am disillusioned with life. I'm not wallowing as much as I'm not caring. Snowglobe is a term I've attributed to planet earth. As I believe earth and its "immediate surroundings" to be more of a snowglobe, than another planet in the middle of some infinite/expansive galaxy(galaxies). A prison of sorts. I don't believe much nasa has to say about anything anymore.

I do not affiliate myself with that label and all that that entails- especially clinging to a particular polarity/aesthetic, nor do I watch television. Your comment renders your member title ironic.

I think honesty is the best policy.

It was only my assumption of what you were originally implying, hence the disclaimer I added- it was not a literal statement I do not think it is pretty cool. I think it is a dissociative state/a forced neurosis of sorts, a madness birthed out of trying to polarize ones surroundings, to an absolute level, as well as themselves (especially in a positive light-"positive") "Everything is wonderful, from a mother looking upon her newborn for the first time, to the slaughter of the innocent in this country and abroad--everything is wonderful." "I am a good person. I always do the right thing and know what is good for others. I only spread love and positivity." -it was a mindset I came into contact with years ago when I first began to "search" and came across a group of peers who were into "new age" teachings. "Only a Sith deals in absolutes" - Obi Wan [the hypocrisy and similarities of "polarized" ideals/efforts/etc] "Play with" stimuli, do you think of life as a game? I don't block out stimuli around me near to the point you seem to be suggesting, if I did I wouldn't be such a cry baby. I don't strive to be much at all, let alone an "infinite emptiness"- I don't think such an "emptiness" exists. I already am me. As is everyone. Telling a being to "be" is a bit redundant in my opinion. and, While I exist? I think our views of what qualifies/what is existence, differs. "Things may be personal, but personal to who is the question", yea this along with a few other things you said definitely have the pretentious air of "new age" to them, also your forum avatar. I see you talk about control a lot. I don't care for anything else you may have to add, you use the "..." thing often in your written speech and I personally have found people who do that to be very indirect/manipulative. Bye

To sit amongst spiritual elders, study their insights and have discourse, as it is not possible for me irl. Though moreso a feeling- a lack of stimulation/attention. To cry, as the majority of people do day in and out under the guise of many a thing.

Maybe, if things do not happen on time. Maybe, what is the use? **(I know it is not wise to assume, though) I'm assuming you mean to find/create a "happy" center within and reside there, becoming wholly indifferent to the surrounding world, so much so that you permanently impose a personal filter of vibrant colors/wonderfulness over the surrounding world-external stimuli no longer having bearing upon you? I do not think that someone who is truly content or in a state of equilibrium will appreciate or create art. I think polarities are dangerous. Who you care to elaborate on what you mean by "control the shifting polarities of situation"? I do not know why we are here, there are many theories. To enjoy something or to consider it sacred, you would most certainly have to have ascribed it some personal value/meaning

I'm unsure as to exactly what the abyss is, though I believe I am currently a resident. Does one ever genuinely leave the abyss, or do they simply redecorate with things/shades of what was? I feel like I've truly lost my soul, an anhedonic spell of sorts that has stretched out for years. I began years ago with a retreat into solitude, to make better sense of the world around me and pinpoint the issue(s) giving me the most grief. I started with a diet change, volunteering and simple meditation. I went on with this for months in the isolation of what I call home. Eventually a change manifested, my life view had shifted and I felt better/"more positive". I went back out into the world smiling and ready to make a difference. Months later I began to rapidly loose steam. The things I held to be good/bad, positive/negative didn't seem to be all that different afterall, the world around me all at once seemed beyond repair and any effort to better it futile. Maybe these sentiments wouldn't have weighed on me so heavily, had I not basically steamed my existence on helping/being of service to others- something I no longer believed in/didn't view as being possible. My safety net had been retracted and I fell into a dark pit, into the depths of despair. I practiced less and less frequently, I started smoking cigarettes again off and on. I didn't care anymore. I didn't hold jobs very long, although I worked hard- it always came to a point where I realized I was working for nothing- I didn't want to live anymore. This kind of thing carried on for a few years. I managed to find a qigong teacher on the internet, that was a flicker of hope, beginning the practices only to be banned from his forum for whatever reason (I was never told). The cycle continued. All the while insights kept flashing though the majority of them negative/eexistential - of no real value. My sense of self continuing to disintegrate, life itself becoming more grey and surreal. During this last year I began to dwell, suicide ideation, depression. Although I wasn't quite sure it was depression anymore, it seemed a little different from what many around me considered to be depression. I found it was more of an inability, an inability to cope with the freedom of being loosed from the fires of passion/desire that caused so much suffering, that birthed so many problems- the glue of this society. I felt lifeless, soulless. Afterall comparison to others is a big part of how humans tend to guage their progress/worth, and I found that I just didn't have that burning passion for anything anymore- just this small controlled burn, if that. No matter what I did I couldn't get that feeling I had years ago, that feeling of wanting "to be something", that feeling of accomplishment I guess- I haven't felt a sense of accomplishment over anything I've done for a few years now, I guess I don't take things personally enough to. I don't feel like this is my body anymore, everything is very far from me yet within arms reach, my emotions aren't as easily triggered, especially anger- it's only fleeting, maybe minutes, and then I see through it. Still I cry easily. It feels like this world is glass, often. I don't know what to do anymore. I've looked on in third person these last year's as all the meaning/passion has slowly left my life. I'm not suicidal and I'm not sure if any of you can help me, as I don't find solace in any of this anymore. It's funny in a non laughing way, I just want to be able to get another job, another volunteering organization, to write a wall of text- and just have meaning flood back into my life. Though I don't see anything this world has to offer me, or the inverse. (a bit difficult to write on a phone, sorry for any errors)

The pain and sorrow of existence, the bleakness of the american experience post 2000. I think it is better to overcome/transcend the pain, become numb to it, than to try to float out of/above it by building up these illusions to comfort you or provide a sense of stability, where there is none. People who try to be happy all the time are just as bad as people who are depressed all the time. Sorrow is happiness. Happiness is sorrow. To whatever extreme the pendulum swings, it will eventually swing to the opposite side with equal force. The "more" unbiased/"truer" nature is to be found where the pendulum is at rest, in the middle- neutrality.

life is meaningless regardless of what spiritual practice, or whatever other egoistic "comfort food" one favors. I appreciate that you acknowledged yourself as a novice in matters such as these.

So, I remind you of a person who you perceived to be "in need", who didn't want your "help"- or what you perceived to be "helping"- and that stirred a heavy emotional response within you as it seems that brief scenario has left a big enough impression on you to reference it within conversation/dialogue. What do you consider "helping others" to be exactly? Considering my location, I know for a fact there is no one within walking distance and like I said I don't have the funds or the transportation. Yet you persist, treating possibility as certainty, so confident in what you perceive to be your community, so sure that this internet forum is so far reaching that certainly there would be a member within walking distance of my location. A very "self righteous/do good" narrative

and now the sincerity of your gesture shines forth.

I don't think this is something that passes. I think this is closer to the true state of affairs here. It is a place far less polarized than depression. Life being meaningless and empty seems correct to me, as without one constantly placing their own egoistic fantasy/filter over the world around them, it would be fairly meaningless- everything- a sense of equanimity/indifference. I don't have any friends. I have't "gone through the motions" in a very long time, because I don't like to lie to myself or others, especially for My benefit. I think this is just what life is like when people respect the free will of others and don't try to forcefully impose whatever personal egoistic narratives birthed from passions/desires over the world/people surrounding them. Everything has this transparency to it. Nothing is "deep". Yea, life will present some worldly opportunity/illusion for one to get wrapped up in, or to make all about themselves and that's the trap a lot of people see as "opportunity". I don't think people "snap out of it", I think they just build a new/resuscitate an old illusion to live under/provide them the sense of comfort they want- they lie to themselves "fake it til they make it", and they begin to believe in that lie so much that it eclipses the "emptiness". Though the emptiness will surface time and time again, whenever their personal fantasy of life begins to weaken. I've been here for years, what might be the words of some 20th century "public figure" do not move me.

I don't care for "uplifting" sentiments in that vein. People who feel better about their current situation in life once they find that someone else is "worse off" than they are and expect you to feel the same way after illustrating to you how much more painful/miserable other people's lives are/have been compared to yours. When it only serves to compound your suffering. People who give advice based on an outline of their experience/current situation without taking yours into consideration. Rendering the "advice" they give, more of a self-righteous pick-me-up (wink in the mirror) for themselves and a false illusion of hope for you.

I have two questions. I know it's not wise to assume, though I feel as if you've had a similar experience on the path you are treading, given the response you issued. If that assumption is correct, Why do you continue with your practice? Why do you continue with your life?

I believe you in ways, I don't believe you in ways.

I don't have the funding/transport so I see no point in doing so.

how do you know this?

succinct. to think in a room with no doors