uselis

Hello folks, I have 0 hope but deep down I want escape this for my mother. She suffers so much due to my spiritual quest failure with her own health taking hit and tears taking over. Pethaps somebody will notice this and offer some hope - direction. 30 years male living in the middle of nowhere (Lithuania, Eastern Europe). For three years kept celibacy and meditated daily for several hours with premature intention to have Kundalini. Thought it's going to make me better person and those around me. No drugs been involved nor manipulative intentions to use energy for evil purposes. Did mostly Vippasana and concentration practices. One month ago I had erection and massive amount of energy flooded to my head. Since then every day became proggresively worse to the point that currently: Living in perpetual state that is mix of fear, anxiety, terror, suicidal deppresion. I call it agony which at times so intense. No positive feelings, no pleasure from anything. Can't do much physical activity yet staying stationary so unbearable as I feel energy is ripping me apart. Cognitive abilities going down each day. I can't read, watch or even have conversation for long time. No concentration nor ability to understand. I am becoming monster. By that I mean that it feels like only body left which concerned about food only and survival in general. No person inside left. Anytime I can cry (which is rare) I welcome it. It makes me feel like human again. I hug my mom yet I feel nothing. Can't sleep without strong pills and even with those it's 5h. My nervous system can't handle anything. Mostly I feel energy as a hot discomfort in my head yet I can't bring it down. Visited psychiatric which suspect psychosis yet I don't see anything or hear voices. I don't behave irrationally but I can't function being gripped by this energy. Other psychiatric diagnosed me depressed and gave SSRI's and anti anxiety pills. Worst part my family don't believe in Kundalini or whatever I have here. Guys, I am so desperate and I keep thinking that there is only way out. I don't want to expierence this walking dead life. I told my thoughts to psychiatrist and my family. I don't hide anything cause I am desperate for help yet any meds I've been given makes me suffer more. Did I put myself in permanent hell state and nothing will help now?

Thank you for support! I get small relief from comunicating with people who understands this. Yesterday I tried to explain my mom that even though I feel suicadal (not going to do this) it's something else then mere deprression. On evenings I hold my head by two hands and can't stand discomfort while my mom asks "what's exactly wrong" yet I can only answer that I feel my brain hot and not feeling well.

Thank your for support, That feels like really difficult experience you undergone. Glad you recovered. Quite inspiring story! It did feel like I've been lightened or touched by too much electricity. Everything you wrote makes sense and of course I am trying but this is so strong on my brain each day now feels like it's to much for it. I don't see hallucinations, hear voices or speak irrationally but pressure in my brain made me to consider just going to psych ward. I took anti anxiety pills before but they just severely slows me down yet I still feel physical presence of pressure in brain that creates extreme fear - terror like experience each minute. That's why I am afraid because from day it happened to me it just going worse up to a point where I have 0 relief in my whole day until sleeping pills knocks me out for several hours. My mom wants to scan my brain but it's something else. Living in the middle of nowhere I'll just be treated accordingly if I eventually visit mental hospital. Thank you for sharing your story.

Both it seems. Learnt Vippasana on my own and just "observed mind activities". My condition is so bad that I can't watch anything impossible to focus. Keep getting swallowed in my head and this psychological pressure alike state. I can't laugh anymore it's downright impossible to smile.

Wholeheartedly agree butvmy body took a toll also. I can't do much physical stuff before quickly getting exhausted. Something with adrenals it seems.

Can you share how similar you had? I wonder how bad my situation is. For several days I did Qigong spring forest beginners stuff starting with bouncing/tapping, moving ying and yang but haven't noticr big difference.

Hey, problem is I live in place where not so much people who could help me with this are around. By letting things pass through that's what I do but each day is getting worse. Yestersay my mom gave me cold wet towel to put on my head as discomfort in my head was unbearable. Felt like I am going nuts. That happens now every evening. I barely go outcnow due such disorientation. It's a long shot but perhaps you have ability and time to help me?

Hey, thanks for reply but is beyond take a walk, do gardening or be engaged. I was healthy guy going for daily walks. This now looks and feels like disease/ilness. I can walk a bit but I feel so much agony, no pleasure, disorientation, etc. Plus quickly become exhausted. I can't express what kind of torture I am undergoing. Stopped meditations except Metta that relieved me in the beginning but now does nothing. It looks like I am detoriating daily mentally, physically and emotionally. Didn't try fasting as I go too long without food adrenaline keeps flooding system. Can't function properly. Almost as if I'd be mentally disabled from this energy. I am unable work and my mom watches over me currently.

Greetings, I am 26 years old male who is interested in semen retention practise. I recently went 132 days abstaining but little did I knew that mere abstinence is not correct way to go. I enjoyed good energy but was experiencing anxiety at the same time. This time I want to do it correctly so would like to ask some questions. Which subforum is best for that? I read a lot here on same topic so I am familiar with most of the pros and cons of this practise. Just looking for guidance this time. Thank you!

Thanks for warm welcome!