KundaliniLinguini

I have been meditating for hours per day for 2 years now and there is still the sensation of being an "observer" or "looker" behind the eyes and a ton of tension. The breath does not make it into this tension bubble where the looker resides. I am defeated I have no idea how to dissolve this delusion.

I have been meditating for a couple of years and feel all kinds of energy sensations. Some people tell me my "kundalini" has awakened. Well, ok, but I still can't really relax completely. I can't get into jhana or experience bliss, light, piti, sukkha, etc... in plain old shamatha meditation. This is my goal, to just get good a shamatha. Now, I know some have success with concentration, but concentration does not relax me. It revs me up. It makes me very tense. I always have a tension in my head, I think specifically because I am controlling my thoughts on a subtle level. I can very easily sit and have absolutely no thoughts for a long period of time, but it is because of this clamping down on the head tension. I would like to release this tension. Sometimes, when I am falling asleep, I feel it release and my mind and imagination goes wild and all of a sudden angels and demons are playing weird games in dimensions where the laws of physics don't apply in my head. I think I use tension to hold back my imagination during the day because I am afraid of going crazy and the fast swirling wild imagination which makes no sense has been detected as a threat by my amygdala and so it tightens down on the brain in a way to suppress this activity. But this causes depression. I have meditated with no agenda, letting go of the mind, allowing it to do whatever it wants, and this is nice, but still not making much progress. Another meditation which kind of works is to just feel the "self" who thinks it can "let go" and ask "what is that" or "who am i" etc... I know when the tension does let go a wave of relaxation comes over me and my energy comes down out of the head into the body. What really gets the tension to let go is sex, especially if I am able to just lay back and have it performed on me of course. But this can make me a selfish lover if that is all I ever want to do. I need to learn to relax myself and let go of control of my mind and stay grounded. Does anyone have a similar experience and learned to let go of their control or suppression of their mental formations? Thank you. Another way to think about is is like spirituality 101: How do I "disidentify" from my mind so that I see it as just something that is there and of no concern to me and so therefore not something I need to or can control? How is emptiness even able to control or identify with thoughts? I guess if I knew that I would know the cause of suffering and be liberated.

I have a coping mechanism called dissociation whereby I fragment my mind into multiple pieces to prevent myself from feeling my own emotions. I invented this in childhood as a result of severe trauma both in and outside of the family. It works really well. Too well. Because now all I am aware of is a very tiny slice of life and subconscious defense mechanisms are constantly pushing anything I might not like out into the ether. I am trapped inside my own fortress of defenses. Holding up the walls to the fragments takes a lot of energy, and so I am very tired. Also, since most of the emotions are pushed away, I feel like a robot a lot of the time. How do I bring the walls down and fire the wall builders and let the emotions flow? I have felt it occasionally and it feels like the central channel becomes available and like my "self" is a constantly changing flow rather than a rigid numbness. Please help me get my emotions flowing. I want to cry like a baby. I can't cry with these defenses protecting me. It sucks not to be able to cry.

How does someone who had a traumatic childhood and very little concept of what love is cultivate metta? How would for example an autistic person who feels like a robot and has no empathy or sympathy cultivate metta? How about someone who even hates themselves? I need some hardcore heart melting pointers. Thanks!

Would love to hear more.

Thank you.

Those acting classes sound intense!!

Thanks for the advice about the onion!!

Thanks to all of you. I have a lot of anger I need to process. Anger is built on fear, and fear I think is built on belief in lack. Right now I can't imagine why anyone is deserving of loving kindness. The whole world is just shit. I have a long way to go.

I am a 41 year old male. As a child I experienced a lot of trauma and dissociated by creating heaven and hell realms inside my subconscious, where much of my energy has been lost and I am now working on reclaiming it. I work in technology but never really loved it. Divorced. A few years back I fell on hard times including depression, anxiety, ptsd and went to a 10-day Goenka Vipassana meditation retreat in the hopes of "fixing" myself. On about day 6 or 7 I experienced dissolution of the body/mind/world and a volcanic explosion of energy from the base of the spine. For several weeks after the retreat I had various spiritual and psychic powers, but my fear got the best of me and I ended up seeking medication to slow down what was happening to me. After 6 months on meds I finally got off of them, committed to deepening my practice and transcending the difficulties which I had the first time around and achieving real equanimity. That was over a year ago. I meditate 1-2 hours per day, mainly relaxation and awareness and equanimity. Occasionally I experience deep grounding in the body, light and bliss that feels very calm and whole. My doctors say I don't need meds and I have mostly conquered my anxiety/depression/ptsd. I still have a way to go, though.