Good Morning Shad282,
Hmmm It is difficult to know where to start. By nature, not nurture nor indoctrination I am Tantric and inclined towards Vedic practices.
It has been discussed here that self inquiry should be avoided in the stage you have expressed as it could potentially lead to depression.
In this case I agree.
Self inquiry is not suitable for most people. Self Inquiry such as Who AM I, Who is this I who thinks these thoughts for every thought that comes up is for those who are very ripe for this type of practice. My advice avoid it for now.
Self Inquiry is not the same thing as practicing mindfulness and being more present there is however a danger even with this. More on this later.
It has been discussed that being present practicing mindfulness may not be understood. Mindfulness links can be provided all over the internet and I do not believe you need educated to what it means, as you already know. I will however discuss this and offer ways and means.
In an earlier post I strongly advised the practices of the 9 breaths and TSA Lung. I also advised indirectly to learn from the Lama presenting these practices. He in my opinion will be excellent for you in the place you have expressed you are coming from. This Lama Tenzin Rinpche adjusts the BON tradition for the Western Audience and addresses directly the Emotional and Mental bodies in his teachings. He is quite entertaining at times and a very great teacher for humanity.
I also recommend The following book. Awakening the Sacred Body by the same Lama, it can be found on Amazon. From this you will learn more in-depth the practices of TSA LUNG there are three levels to each practice from the most obvious to the subtle. Truly a priceless publication.
To be perfectly clear I do not advise anyone practice Zazen without first learning how to control the currents in the spine, otherwise when you reach the still point you are going to find a reservoir of energy waiting to express through you.
This energy is not dumb.
This energy is not just electricity.
The nerves of your meat and bone body will interpret it as electricity, sensations of heat and cold, and yes extreme orgasmic bliss.
Orgasmic bliss can and will be experienced and not just in your genitals but even in your fingers and in a body that is not made of meat and bone.
Your brain will receive pleasure such as you may or may not have ever experienced in your life. The Tantric path is the path of using ones own facility to enjoy / experience pleasure and bliss and transform through it.
Stodgy misinformed people like to suffer, they think it somehow is what it is all about. These are crazy people, ignore them.
I have read all manner of silliness about people withholding ejaculation and sexual expression for fear of loosing their chi etc... They are not wrong, but they are ignorant. It is just as easy to replenish as it is to deplete through release and both are good.
One needs to learn how to replenish. The practices of Tsa Lung will accomplish this.
One needs to release as often as is needed which is simple to determine. When the mind and emotions become coarse and the genitals overly sensitive it is time, let the body release, this is not the time to clamp down and refuse the body it's need to do so as this becomes torture to the body which in turn causes torture in the emotions and the mind and leads to all sorts of disfunction.
There is ample medical documentation proving release is healthy for the female and male body.
I have read so much where the female is condemned either directly or indirectly, have read of people accusing females of being responsible for their own arousal response to the presence of a energetically aware and powerful female even on a forum "She made me Leak" Ohhh bad female it's all your fault!! Give me a freaking break and please do take responsibility for your own sharing of presence is my reply to that.
Unfortunately the ability to share presence often develops before the maturity level to interact or not and morality of compassion is fully developed. This is not all peoples fault, it is largely due to a direct lack of education and mentoring and is pleasurable until harm is done to others. Spiritual puberty, awakening to the more refined realms of interaction or sharing space is not so very easy and many get stuck at this strata for a long, long, time.
Oh well to each there own, in there own good time, no matter how badly anyone wants to remain in a certain strata there is a certain movement towards the ever more refined that can not be stopped, it can be slow as the movement of a glacier but also as unstoppable. At other times it can also be a Avalanche and this must be prepared for.
This energy is transformative and it can and will change the very bedrock of your emotional and mental bodies. You will still be you with all your attributes, preferences etc. and so on but gradually over time the you, you are, will change.
I have said all I care to say about energy, bliss and transformation for the moment, now I would like to return to the topic of being mindful and present in the eternal everlasting moment which is the now. Before doing so however please do understand that even such apparently simple practices can lead to the still point, the atom point and there, ah there, their be dragons.
Remember always the energy flows from the stillness, the spaciousness, the silence. Prepare as I have described above with examples of this fine teacher and his publications. Kriya is another path but it is not suitable for everyone as it is very direct and condensed and one really needs to be able to reach the still point and move energy in order to effectively practice it. Still one may prepare as the practices lead to the still point as everything does. Prepare, Prepare, Prepare till the soil to grow a good crop.
Zazen the word means sitting Zen. What Zen means can be debated until the cows come home. It has much in common with the highest teaching of Dzog Chen.
Zen also is about being here now, totally, completely in the moment. If you have read these words you are already out of the moment. It is that simple, that profound, that difficult and at the same time that easy.
Be here now in every precious ruby like moment. Imagine the ticking of the second hand of a clock or a watch. As that needle moves that moment has passed.
If a person will do their very best to be here present 100% in each and every moment as we divide it into seconds and further down into pico seconds one will swiftly discover all of ones life is here right now in this moment, moment after moment and this is the reality of ones existence.
Past is memory and an illusion, the present has already passed with the typing of these words, the future mostly imagination and projections. So where in do we live? What is real? This very moment and in reading these words you have lost the moment.
Everything is available right here right now in this moment. Moment after moment. Each moment is pregnant with possibility. In this moment there is joy, there is happiness, there is bliss. You determine your reality by being present in this moment.
Being present to the best of ones ability does not require strain, at first it may require some remembering to do so, but my goodness what a burden and how will you accomplish anything like earning a living to pay for your housing, your food your cloths?
Well most of us are not monks so we need a way that takes care of this for us until, until it becomes our natural way of living.
What the OP is experiencing is not depression. What he is experiencing is the birth of the witness, the ever abiding witness and this is a difficult time.
Mindfulness is the only way, the way to progress and grow comfortable with being the witness as it can lead one to feeling disconnected. One needs Formal Seated practices that will make this comfortable and automatic and then one needs to learn to let go and not resist, Ha, Ha , ha how brilliant we all are if we just let go and let the stream carry us and ask what do I need to do next and simply just do it.
Even the monks perform formal seated practices to prepare. Forcing mindfulness is not mindfulness, it is neurotic misunderstanding in action.
Formal seated practices are what is needed. Practice 1/2 hour to 1 hour per day. This is enough.
When I practiced Zazen which is mindfulness seated there was a simple practice of counting to 10 while inhaling and exhaling eyes half open with a blank wall in front of you Half lotus or lotus posture or Burmese posture park your ass on the cushion (Zafu and Zabuton) and find the still point where mind ceases for prolonged periods of time. Finding the still point is done by Counting 1 then 2 then 3 and then loosing the words and seeing the numbers, and then feeling the impulse behind the numbers, and then lingering on the impulse alone and mind seeks the root the depths and then... and then... the still point and you will return not knowing where you just were, if you are inhaling or exhaling, what number you were on what stage of life you are in Am I a child, Am I in my twenties or my 30's or my 40's Am I an 90 year old remembering his life? It can happen in a split second and then.... and then... the illusion of time is reveled as much time will have passed as you were in Samadhi.
This sounds frightening and when it first happens you wonder if you should be afraid but there is a assurance this is good and right and something from beyond returns with you. That something is recognition of you own existence in different realms concurrently with the limited human life you are now experiencing and the human is growing from this.
Many think the direction is away from being human but this is not quite correct we came here to be human and become human and to bring our humanity into our dimensions of being which have nothing to do with humanity. We are God becoming Human and Human becoming God. Then and only then when our humanity has something to do with the other dimensions of our being are we fulfilling the evolutionary process. We are already whole and complete but we are unaware. To decide I am aware is not enough.
Great gouts of energy can accompany the returns from samadhi and in time proceed it and bliss will lead one into samadhi.
There is a danger here when the mind ceases the witness is open to naked reality.
We as human beings are not so good at dealing with naked reality all at once because we live in a very narrow protected stratum that has its own set of checks and balances to prevent sensory overload and incapacitation while in this form of meat and bone.
Once the mind is brought to a place of one pointedness the barriers to the wider reality are lowered or dilate to a more open view. The wider reality is always present it is not dependent upon the one perceiving it.
This is where practice such as TSA LUNG the 9 Breaths and the accompanying psychological work dealing with direct impulses the Tibetan way need to be performed.
One needs to prepare the soil of ones own being before going extra sensory. When the time comes with the dawning of the witness there is no choice but to move forwards wher you are now is not comfortable. It Hurts.
People come to what is coined spirituality and websites like this because there is a need in some cases like the OP they are desperately seeking guidance.
Why?
Because something has changed, Because it is painful to be in the place they are currently occupying. Pain is not avoidable, suffering is optional.
Pain is a good friend, we hate.
It surprises us and it wakes us up.
Pain forces us out of our comfort zone and onto broader vistas of existence, we hate change, we hate pain.
We love finding a nice fuzzy warm niche with a fire on a cold rainy day a refuge a shelter. This is good.
Occupied too long and the warren begins to stink, our bones begin to ache with inactivity and our minds become unhappy. We need to learn to enter our inner refuge.
Change is needed.
Those who came before us and created systems like BON, like Kriya figured out long ago how to be in a constant state of change of progression how to be present now without discomfort or forcing oneself to the exclusion of taking care of ones duties to life like doing the laundry, working, earning a paycheck.
BON is a monastic tradition
Kriya is a tradition for the working people or house holders.
BON has very good practices it is very deep and wide and all encompassing for every level of incarnating humanity that has reached the stage of progression or those on the cusp often curiosity and grasping is the hallmark.
Bon is impossible to practice in its entirety unless you are a monk and maybe not even then. Most people will find the parts that work and adopt them.
Kriya was developed from monastic practices for the working people. The practices are completely scalable to the individuals ability and time to practice. They are very potent and direct for this very reason.
Effective practices will lead one to the state of being more present in the moment in ones daily life and much more at ease it is a by product.
The most important thig is two fold.
One must learn how to channel energy even if at first it is just imagination. Mind, visualization in meditation practices influences the subtle emotional and mental bodies, these are the conduits for the wider reality and the pipes need to be clean and clear of mental and emotional forms which clog them. Not 100% just enough the practices will cause them to release and the person should know with the release there can be acute pain of emotions and mind. This then needs to be accompanied by the practice of entering into ones inner refuge and spaciousness cessation of hate in stillness and spaciousness allows love to grow. You need that spaciousness where hate was occupying freed up then love flowers. This I have learned from Tinzen Rinpoche.
One must then learn or even at the same time to enter into stillness, openness, spaciousness within. This is not an absolute!!! No not at all. Some very bad teachers forget to point this out!
You just need a little. A dab will do ya!
When the stillness is enough, when the silence is enough, when the spaciousness is enough then the energy is going to flow. It must! It is inevitable.
Then...………… and Then...…………………. Your mind, and the deeper witness is going to ride the winds of bliss, mind is going to be stunned in exalted glories that have nothing to do with this mundane world...…….. Then you are becoming aware of the larger reality which has always been, independent and ever present.
The troublesome mind which has caused oh so many feelings will become one with this divine expression of the universe unknown to all save those who know it.
In this time one needs to know how to focus and channel the bliss otherwise it is going to hurt the meat body. One needs to have prepared and purified the channels sufficiently not perfectly not shiny like a mirror just enough to avoid injury is good.
One then can practice Kriya effectively.
I have already said too much. So much of this must be experienced by doing to validate the reality words only scrape at.
During the day.....
The after effect, the after effect is the natural abiding in the present in the now, with a degree of ease and comfort and no it is not perfect for the most advanced it becomes so, but for the rest of us in degrees and it is good.
Prepare, Prepare, Prepare and park your butt on the cushion this is the way.
Yes there are difficulties. Yes you will go through very, very serious life changes.
I most certainly have, In the last year I divorced my wife of many years as we had grown apart and incompatible, lost my house, lost my pets, lost a great deal of money and had to fight with lawyers in a ridiculous case where no children were involved and the former wife is financially independent.
I had no choice, my changes were such. Yes I had created a comfortable Den but it began to stink, and my bones were aching, there was pain and suffering, there has been change.
I have gained so much more in return by being true to myself. Suffering did happen but it was conditional and has passed and the trauma of a divorce is decreasing daily, to stay as I was it was perpetual.
Change is inevitable
Pain is inevitable
Suffering is optional especially when there are skillful ways and means available to all.