SoverMan

Thank you for this. Truly. There is much one can say about this place I am experiencing. A lot of it is learning to just EXPRESS it honestly and own it. I wanted to be willing to be vulnerable and not reject based on 'knowing something wise to say. So again....much gratitude.

ahhhh...indeed, a break from the STORIES. I understand. And no...I find myself mostly consumed by the stories. Yet I agree in the benefit of taking a break from them. I will do my best to do so. Just reading it put that way confirms and helps. Thank you.

Refuge? As in meditation? If so...not consistently. I feel something in me broke or shifted. I don't trust myself as I feel I should. Perhaps I don't trust in my practice. It feels like at times....empty inner rhetoric. I don't mean to be negative, just truthful as I try and navigate thru this.

In this moment...I am somewhat numb. As with life at times many aspects begin to fall apart and shift right when I am most vulnerable. I caretake for my ailing mother and she's had some recent diagnosis that aren't so good. I can feel her sadness and also the inevitability of her transition and me being ill prepared emotionally to deal with it. Hence I eat too much sugar, I don't practice my qigong and I watch way too much television to numb out best I can. To give myself and my mother something to look forward to I've got her to be willing to do a cleanse with me beginning tomorrow and try to BEGIN AGAIN so to speak with my personal practice. Thank you very much for being so kind and checking in. There is no one in my life that can understand these kinds of things so it also a lonely time for all of this.

To each one of you who took a moment to share and insight with me, I thank you from my soul. It was so hard to openly share something that I find to be so scary and so real to me at this time in my life. And each share touched on a unique way of looking at this time with new eyes. I know from your responses you've been there...been...here. This makes all the difference. You know I've walked the so called spiritual path for over 30 years. For most of that time it became the 'in thing' to do. It became hip to read self help books and then that lead to more esoteric practices, and gurus, and beautiful women, and experiences, and then on to the next book, teacher, and or experience. And why not, I was young, I really hadn't been hurt, hadn't been scarred, hadn't seen death up close. I just knew that life as I was raised was missing something. I just knew the people who damaged me weren't as smart as I was or could be. I was a rebel. I even moved to a big city to become a yoga teacher. I did so called healings on the side. I was part of the happening scene. Then...something shifted. All of a sudden it all felt empty, and dead. I no longer could do yoga or take a class. Everyone felt like they were lying. It all became about making money and a brand and on and on and on. Then my marriage ended, Dad died, went bankrupt, got sick, had a nervous breakdown, my mother became ill and needed care and I Was the one with no family so it felt right to be there for her. I didn't realize coming home would allow me to face all the stuff I ran away from my whole life! I felt helpless to it. I was the metaphysical guy who thought we was above it all. Only to see I am no different. smh...such a cliche huh? Without all the fluff all I am left with is my real fears. Poverty, Death, Loneliness, etc. Things I thought being spiritual would somehow save me from. My naivete crushed me. Reading your shares gives me some deeper perspectives on this. Leastwise I don't feel so alone. I did find a qigong practice but I've not fully committed myself too it as yet. I've dabbled somewhat but not consistent. But more importantly just embracing it all is a worthy challenge. I thank you.

I am new to this conversation. Yet my heart and mind grasps the thoughts behind the words like someone dying of thirst. No therapy, or book seems to express the feeling of the experience I've been in the last few years as well as contained in this thread. I've often wondered if it wasn't a dark night of the soul but true depression. I see now it's, for me, depression. Yet conventional wisdom aka traditional therapy held no relief or understanding. I've shunned drugs completely. I am...I do want to figure a way thru all of this. I don't know or can recall ever really enjoying this life. Sure there have been moments of distraction where i was young and caught up in life as young people tend to be. Love, sex, the 80s, etc. Now at 55, life holds no...umm...I don't know the right word. I guess there is no sense of going forward with any kind of passion or interest. I long to be absorbed in SOMETHING. To wake up with something to look forward to. I appreciate any insight into any of this.

I am grateful for the dialog. Your kindness comes thru. It is refreshing to be able to share with someone who knows Dafa well and also doesn't have the normal contempt for it. I feel I started out to fast perhaps. To gungho. so to speak. Wanting to be a good practitioner. Truth is I was never into supernormal powers or some such, just an awareness of self. To find some answers to personal challenges. Depression, anxiety and such. Yet I found somehow, these things became worse as I went on. The JOY of it began to escape me. I began to resent the elitist aspects. I cringed each time I heard the phrase 'everyday people'. Perhaps I read too many other things besides Zhaun Falun.

I asked because I found the practice about 2 years ago. I met some good people who I admired. I went in full blast and seemingly enjoyed it. The camaraderie and such. It seemed to exacerbate some illnesses and calm others. But it's the rhetoric that began to alarm me. more talk of political agendas and organ harvesting and doing the three things well or Masters law bodies will leave you. I began to feel more like a slave than a practitioner. Afraid to be myself. To hear someone stopped after 10 years with no hardships is encouraging.

If I may ask Varja, why did you stop practicing? No drama...but very curious.

I was researching this practice most of the week. It's attraction being for one...it's FREE! And I was looking for a practice I could grow with and learn. BUT...it seems one is almost WARNED...if your not willing to do these 3 THINGS WELL...the law bodies will be denied to you. It felt ELITIST and STIFFLING. My question is....if not Falun Gong...what other AUTHENTIC practice is out there? Thank you

Although as a young man i practiced martial arts of Northern Shaolin, its been many years since. I am 53 now and after going thru some challenging life shifts I feel compelled to study on earnest spiritual practice. Not being drawn to yoga and such. Daoist arts seem appropriate. I've been thru some of the conventional new agey, self help books of the day yet found no real connection. I was introduced recently to a popular chigung practice(i won't share the name though I feel most would be familiar with it) which taught for free around my city(nyc). I found it more than a bit cultish and just a not so good feel. My nature is to be free and awake, not beholden to a Master and such. Perhaps I am being naive...I don't know. I seek direction. I've heard many names of late. Serge August and Dao Mitchell to name a few. I live in NYC and not sure where to start. Is distance learning actually good? I look forward to learning more.