daimai

Hi guys, I am seeking your advice. I am in an unusual situation and it’s hard to know what to do. Basically, I have experienced a freak incident after which I can no longer feel my heart in the same way. What (seemed to) have caused it is the following: one day several years ago, I was practicing the MCO and sent energy up my spine upon ejaculating. Nothing special at the time- I felt a blissful feeling for around 30 minutes afterwards but then it faded away and I was never the same since. Since that moment (and it has been 6 years now), I can’t really feel my heart, or the full range of emotions associated with it, especially compassion and empathy. When I scan my body and get to my heart, or just try to “feel” it, what I feel is mostly like a dead mass- it just feels like a big knot where no energy passes through. Before this incident, I was able to feel the energy of love, appreciation, compassion, empathy, etc. in this exact place (heart chakra), and it would radiate with very pleasant and positive energy. It would activate at the right times, or I could activate it with intent, just like any normal person. Everything was fine. Following this incident, I can no longer feel the feeling I just described. I only have a memory of what it used to be like. I have gone through a countless number of healers and tried a lot of healing modalities, but nothing has ever improved this. In one desperate attempt, I took some MDMA just to see if I was still capable of it, and it was just not the same. I know this whole thing sounds incredibly bizarre, as if it is in my head, but I am not imagining things. It’s as real as can be. Because of what happened, I have also noticed drastic changes in my personality, and I have lost most of my ability to relate and empathize with other people. I still have some cognitive ability to recognize these emotions, but I no longer actually feel them, ever. Here is an example: when I try to conjure up the feeling of love and compassion, I can feel the energy trying to move through my chest, but instead of feeling love and compassion, I just feel a big knot, like a garden hose that is completely blocked off, and nothing can pass through it. It is very physical and visceral. And as I described earlier, I can vaguely feel the contour of what seems like a completely dead mass, like a tumor. That is literally what it feels like. Prior to this incident, the energy simply flowed through my entire chest area and the inside of my heart naturally. I could feel the inside of my heart and I could feel the full range of emotions there. I’m completely puzzled as to what is actually going on. What it actually feels like intuitively, is that I had some sort of stroke, and the “cells” that were responsible for enabling these feelings, mentally and emotionally, are either dead or non-functional. That is, either something was injured in either my brain or my actual chest. I don't think it was actually caused by the incident I described, but I may have had some kind of mini-stroke without knowing it. Like I said, the best way I can explain it is that it feels like there is a dead rock in my chest, and there is no way of getting the energy to flow into it. I’ve tried everything I can think of, from deep meditation, to energy work (I have been practicing qigong for nearly a decade), to deep breathing, etc. I’ve seen therapists, acupuncturists, and everything else I could think of. Everyone to whom I describe this seems to be puzzled and does not really have any ideas. As I mentioned, it has been 6 years now and the situation has not improved at all. It happened overnight, and nothing has changed since then. There has not been any healing or improvement whatsoever. The other symptoms that simultaneously occurred after this incident was an intense feeling of pressure in my head, which has since subsided. In addition to that, a feeling of tightness and floating pockets of energy that will move around my body randomly. They are not exactly pleasant- the best way I can describe the behavior of this moving energy is like air bubbles. I did some research and it seems that this is not something that happens to people. We speak of things like “heartbreak” following a devastating incident, but not this, it is something completely different. I’m feeling quite lonely and isolated as there does not seem to be any help or information out there. I am wondering and coping with what the rest of my life is going to be like given these circumstances.

Some say they are the same thing. In practical situations however, we can differentiate truth and love. A parallel idea may also be "would you rather be right, or be happy"? Is it better to be more asleep and more loving or to be more awake and bitter (not that you have to be, but it's something that sometimes happens) ? What do you think?

“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.” ~CG Jung How do you guys get over this? DM

Was gonna say this, you beat me to it. *Hoff edit: I've been doing the WHM for almost half a year now, consistently and it was definitely one very good decision or me. Shen moves with blood, so the shower method will have you moving in and out of your body, energetically, if you are sensitive to it.

How could one ever fully know another without becoming them and losing one's own point of reference? If they fully become another, they forget they were the one observing them in the first place, no?

Not from beginning to end, but I do believe by this point I have read at least a decent chunk of it. So far the one I found the most fascinating was Jung's analysis of Kundalini.

Spot on.

I have a friend who I would like to give constructive feedback to, especially regarding their behavior. We started hanging out when we were both loners, and I quickly got my life hygiene back together and I began to realize what toxic behavioral traits he exibits on a regular basis. I'm hesitant because what I feel I need to tell him is brutal, even though it's the truth, and it would provoke a shock period and his reaction may be unpredictable. I have the impression that because he doesn't have much friends or get much feedback no one has told him these things, but they make hanging out with him an unbearable experience. I'm also highly tempted to ignore him and let him sort his stuff out, but we have gotten someone more close in these last few months as we are both interested in similar kinds of subjects. Any advice is appreciated.

This is interesting on an intellectual level but what do you do when arriving at the conclusion that love cannot be forced or commanded? Like enlightenment, I think ripe conditions for love to flourish can be cultivated, but I don't think we're the ones calling the shots. When you love someone, you love them, when you don't, you don't. It's been said that faking love can be damaging..

Hello everyone, I would like to ask you all what are your experiences with practicing cultivation methods and interacting with other people in terms of general auric flow. Many of us have certainly noticed with increased practice that our energy fields may be amplified and this includes our mental, psychic and emotional bodies. There are also the karmic fields (and more) that are amplified. I have been an introvert most of my life, but I am working on my real life human interactions and trying to make them better. What is the "correct" thing to do with all this energy in human interactions? In a typical day, we have many interactions, and many conscious choices, as well as unconscious reactions and projections. It's like a great big juggling act, right? You are trying to manage your thoughts, your emotions, your energy. You practice this every day- it is your art! Now there is a lot more input from many people. You try to understand them. You want to be kind, but you want to also express your inner truth. What if say, you fall in love with a beautiful member of the opposite sex. Your heart is overflowing with love. Everyone needs to get on with their day but you find that person irresistible. The heart energy can be intense. So you pull back, and get on with your routine. Or you get irrationally angry. And no matter how hard you try, you can't un-rationalize your sense of righteous indignation, and you end up burning everything in your path with angry liver laser eyes! Just.... let go! We see that all of our thoughts, words and actions have very real consequences. So you know that to stay on the right path, there needs to be middle way and moderation. But how do you gently restrain the folly of love? You only live once, right??! Why are we so terrified of telling others we love them?

Hi everyone, I’m what would be considered those 5-10% of people that are considered “antisocial”. I have done my best with behavioural and spiritual modalities that have been available to me, however despite some progress, I never have seemed to cultivate the actual desire to be around people. And, people see through this, through my act, of “trying” to like them, but not really liking them. I feel some may resent me for it. I am only interested in very specific things in people, which is why I can connect to only a handful of others. I can only count on 1 hand the number of people I really enjoy being with, and even then if I ask myself in my heart of hearts if I really love them, I’m not sure. I am not sure what that means, and I am not convinced. My true interest is a selfish one, and it is an overwhelming biological impetus to achieve total liberation and freedom from pain, irritation, and discomfort. The irony is that can only happen through co-operation with others. So yes, it is a self-defeating game. However, overriding the feeling, the only thing that seems sincere, feels so forced and fake, and I secretly resent having to do it when I am around others. I cannot count the amount of times I put on a fake smile during a day, or the amount of times I have to strain my throat to sound gentle and polite, only for it to come out sounding phony anyway. It’s emotionally painful for me to lie like this. Naturally, I have a very small social circle. I still crave the companionship and the touch, but it’s like the saying goes, I feel much lonilier around others than I do on my own. Does anyone have any advice? Can anyone relate? Should I perhaps tell people the truth about how I feel about them (as I just described)? Should I clarify to myself what is an acceptable level of “love”, and do the best with what I've got? Honestly, I pretty much love and hate everyone, including myself, in equal measure. It’s literally 50-50%. Thanks and HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY”

Aha thank you!! I've pondered this lot's of times, especially after Alan Watts opened my eyes to the Christian origins of guilt. It's funny that you say this because I subliminally carry the opposite belief, that everyone is guilty and doesn't know that they're actually a hypocrite. I will put the innocence paradigm into practice. I know it is much healthier.

I was mostly referring to anger. I'm also left scratching my head at how hatred could be constructive because by it's nature it is polarized and doesn't have a neutral aspect..

Hatred is a passion. It is like the flip-side of love. Only this time it is a love of destruction. One wants something eliminated. The object of hatred creates a sense of irritation in the hater, and the hater wants to relieve his pain by eliminating it's projection. Slashing at smoke. What else are you going to go after when the object is destroyed? It is a monster indeed. Carefully cultivated, and artistically exteriorized, I think it can also be a constructive force. Anger, the diminished form, is a very constructive force, but it can produce excellence as well.

If life is all one big happening, and everything is in a scurry to express itself, then why is there such a rush to preserve life? Even a noble spiritual tradition like Buddhism is hell bent on preserving life and furthering some kind of spiritual progression, but who says it's supposed to go forward? Why shouldn't it go backwards? Who said that there is any correct method of doing anything, ever? I mean seriously, I get that there is coherence and geometry and shit, but why are we supposed to evolve in the first place? Whatever consequence of any action one might take may be, it's still just an experience like any other, it just has different characteristics, and one of those characteristics being our opinion of it.

This absolutely blew my mind

Wouldn't asking the question be another way to trap yourself in the mind stream? If you are peeling back conceptual layers, questioning validity is still a matrix in which you caught between the duality of true and false.

How old are you? I understand your sentiment. I refrain from teaching not knowing which way I could steer a person's destiny. However, I think it's good to remember that the Tao does not contain any mistakes. You could not possibly make an error but it must always feel like you might make one.

I totally get the "low maintenance/no investment thing". I often have to very calculate to whom and how long I am going invest this energy to during the day not to get exhausted. I feel that I am doing something wrong by not investing more energy into these things, when my natural inclination is much more to cultivate spirit. I am still pulled by muses, eros, symbols that pull me into the outer world. I appreciate your moldening and forging process. Society tells us we need to meet certain social criteria to be accepted, and those that do not want to play the game are the shadow of the cultural ideology.

Thanks Shad. I'll digest that a bit Tonight I had dinner with another friend I just met and again, I had an amazing time. I just came back from a meditation retreat so I am trying to observe my thought process if I get emotionally (socially) hurt, and by the way shad, I commend you on your ability to remain peaceful in this regard, that is very inspiring. Mostly I wonder why I as an individual feel hurt if the nature of my self is the totality of existence, then why do "I" get hurt? I can see that it is because "other" is having an experience that I would like to have and "I" feels pain when it doesn't get it, or sees other experience/enjoy it. It's only my isolated and separate I that gets hurt. It gets more separated and isolated in that hurt and sees even less clearly. The idea of exiting the social matrix is one that is very interesting to me now, however, I still want to play the game. I want to try and figure out to maximize on my professional career and things like that too. I want to be willing to fail, see myself clearly and honestly and be able to laugh at myself.

Thanks for sharing and caring, everybody, it put some much appreciated light on my holiday season. Here's a funny story about the perseverance of ego: I didn't have any plans for Christmas eve last night so I hung out with one of my appartment neighbors, totally at random, and we shot the shit all night and laughed our asses off talking about the universe. It was one of the deepest and most genuine connectional experiences I've had in a long time. I went back feeling awesome, understood, amazing. I thought to myself, holy shit, I really am capable of being an awesome friend and bonding with others. I knew in my heart that this was a genuine experience. The next day, still feeling great, I posted something on Facebook (yes I know, I know) that barely got any "likes" and I became morbidly and irrationally upset about it, as I do every time that usually happens. That shit really triggers those primitive "tribal rejection circuits" and I couldn't believe how much it affected me! I start thinking, man, all those people getting hoards of likes for everything they post. I put my heart and soul into the content I put out and most everyone ignores it, even people that I know personally. I know the reality of my situation. Facebook is completely fake and irrelevant, and yet I get such a strong emotional reaction from what happens there, and it really does paint my perception of my self esteem and my life. So the irony is that despite the fact that I had one of the greatest and most sincere real-life experiences, I was still upset because some online strangers didn't acknowledge my existence *sigh*. It's not that I want the attention, what I want is the rush of feeling connected to other people. The incredible joy of knowing someone enjoyed something you put out there, that it made their life a little bit better, more fun, interesting. That maybe we have more in common than not, and that the world isn't so bad after all.. I know what to do though, equanimity. No thought of loss or gain. No need to count friends. However, it still feels that anguishing feeling of loneliness. I know it is totally transient. I know I will totally forget about this in a very short period of time but still, gosh, it's frustrating to deal with and I wanna learn how to deal with it in the best way that I can.. Much love to y'all. I feel like I can connect to most of your posts more than most people. If it means anything to anyone man, it makes me feel good inside.

Wow. So I got 3 replies in this thread and all 3 were brilliant, and literally fixed my problem. Boundless gratitude and karma to you, friends.

Hi guys, When I get into really good health, which happens periodically, my libido goes through the roof and can become a little overwhelming, especially around attractive members of the opposite sex. I have been doing qigong and meditation practices for years but I only have a faint clue of what it means to transform sexual energy into spiritual energy. In any case, are there any practical suggestions to come from a heart space rather than a genital space and what do I do with the genital space in the meantime?

I can't seem to be able to unite two points off view. The one that says that there's nothing you can do about yourself because you can never improve yourself by your own selfish effort because you are one continuous process, that it would be like pulling yourself up by your own bootraps. Of course you could give yourself the illusion of trying, but ultimately, it's only one happening. Let's say this is the Taoist point of view The other point of view would be rather Confucian, in that you need to develop structure, discipline, competence, morals and good hygiene in order to spiritually advance in life. That one is in full power of his own self transformation and evolution and it is the individual's duty to put in this hard work. This is the problem of divine grace. Some meditators propone that spiritual practice will at least make you a better and more expedient conduit to whenever the time comes that you receive the gift of union. While others receive it spontaneously. The question is what do we do in the meantime? Become wholly present? But that's the same problem; how can you make yourself become present if you are not present?