BluLotus

@ion, I'd just like to point out that there are plenty of women who give up everything to ordain and become monastics, (in many traditions). In Buddhism, women often have to settle for even less than full ordination, (esp. in Tibetan Buddhism), and even the lowest ranking monks are treated with more respect than even a senior nun. Most of these humble nuns have no interest in social status, and they are sometimes better, more dedicated practitioners than quite a few monks, (not always, but often enough). There is no way you can say that most nuns, (except for maybe a handful of famous nuns who made a big name for themselves touring around and selling books), are in it for ANY kind of status whatsoever because they are always discriminated against, yet they choose to ordain anyway.

That's good. I'm glad it didn't sound harsh. I'm glad you are reaching this conclusion, for your own sake. I think that if you can restore enjoyable sexual intimacy with your wife, the sexual desire for other women will probably be much less intense. Well, it sounds like they know what's wrong and what is causing the pain, etc. That is actually a good thing. So, it's clear that she has pain, and they know what is causing it. They also said most women heal within a year, so that sounds at least somewhat positive. Has she not 'felt like it' often in the past, or is it just recently? Waiting it out may be your best option, but don't wait and suffer in silence. Keep the channels of intimacy open with affection (no strings attached) and some of the good suggestions here, such as massage, (if she likes massage). Think about what gives your wife pleasure and try some of the things she likes. Also, try not to put any pressure on her. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who keeps asking for sex when she doesn't want it, lol! (Of course, you can ask her if a LONG time goes by without any sex.) The best way to woo a woman is to just do the things she likes without any strings attached, and she has to get the sense that there is no agenda behind what you're doing. Do it just to make her happy because you love her. (I am giving you all this advice as a woman. ) I wish you both good luck on your journey.

Of course, I can't diagnose her condition from here, but my guess would be that it is probably a combination of physical injury from the operation, (which might heal within a year, as he mentioned), psychological issues, and perhaps postpartum depression, which could also squelch her desire. I can't really say what's going on, since I don't know the details of her condition. All we can do is offer opinions, based on the information provided.

Of course, you're having these desires. You're human and it's instinctual for (straight) men to be attracted to women. If you aren't getting ANY sex from your wife, it's only natural that your desire for other women will increase. That doesn't mean you should run out and have sex with other women, or demand that your wife have sex with you when she doesn't want to, but you can stop feeling guilty or disturbed by it. Your desire is your soul's way of letting you know that you need sex and you can't go on suffering alone, trying to suppress your desires. That isn't being kind to yourself. Your wife is suffering too. Judging from your description, it's possible that she suffers with possible postpartum depression, which is common after the birth of a child. Also, sex is not pleasurable when it's painful, and it sounds like she might have internal injuries. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault either, and I am pretty sure she's not happy or fulfilled either. Try to get the practical help from doctors and psychologists/therapists that you need. Spiritual cultivation, (as a way to try and solve these problems), is like trying to put a band aid on skin cancer and hoping it will just go away. That is my two cents. I hope it doesn't sound too harsh or scary, but it's my honest opinion. Saying anything else would just be encouraging you to continue to live in this very depressing, miserable situation, and I would like to see you resolve it and be happy with your wife and your son. Congrats, by the way. I'm sure he's a beautiful boy.

One would need a bit more information in order to answer your question. Do you have vows of celibacy?

I am afraid that no one can really 'wipe away' the distinct discrimination and abuse against women in Eastern culture in general. This is not a judgment on Eastern culture, but simply a fact of life as it was then. Democracy is a relatively unique phenomena that has only spread to the East in recent times, as far as I know. Even in the Western world, only some cultures ever had any concept of democracy, and even that was not what we have today. At the time of the Buddha, women had no rights as they do now, and even now there are many places around the world where women are not treated as equal to men. If women had to transform into men upon attaining enlightenment, it was only because they realized that men would have better opportunities for spiritual practice and teaching, (since women were kept barefoot and pregnant most of the time, and were only there to serve men). If those same female Buddhas were in today's world, I am sure they would have probably chosen to stay in female form. Now, some women Buddhas refused to turn into men and they stayed women anyway, despite the difficulties. Tara would be a good example of a 'feminist' Buddha. I know she's a tantric deity and not specifically Pure Land, but she is there for everyone no matter who or where they are. As one Tara legend goes, when she was a princess in human form, she attained enlightenment, and when some man told her to pray to be reborn as a man, she vowed to always come back as a woman! She wasn't having any b.s. talk thrown at her! So sir, LOL! So, when you have doubts about women being thought of as enlightened in Buddhism, think of Tara and her no nonsense attitude! She represents all female women and the divine feminine potential for enlightenment.

I just saw the dates on these posts and realized I wandered into an OLD conversation from 2011. I didn't mean to 'resurrect' a long "dead" thread, LOL! I just wasn't paying attention.

I wandered in here and found a bunch of 'Buddhists' fighting over what is or isn't 'real' Buddhism, LOL! I don't know whether to laugh or be disheartened. A true Buddhist teaching MUST contain the FOUR SEALS or it is NOT a Buddhist teaching. Period. The FOUR SEALS are described slightly differently from different sources, but the general idea is the same. Various teachers, such as the Dalai Lama's close, personal student, Venerable Thubten Chodron, have talked about these Seals. The 4 Seals are generally as follows: 1. All conditioned, compounded things are impermanent. 2. All contaminated phenomena are dukkha (unsatisfactory) or in the nature of suffering. 3. All phenomena are empty of inherent existence. 4. Nirvana is true peace and free of extremes. THE FOUR SEALS are what make something 'Buddhist' or not.

@Steve, I get the feeling that the people conducting the study didn't know much about Buddhism in general to begin with. I could be wrong, but that was my impression.

@Steve, Of course I agree there is a lot more to the "emptiness" of "John" than just what I said in my post. I was just making a brief summary, based on what teachers have said. My point was that the article seemed to be equating emptiness with nihilism, and the whole 'study' appeared to be based on that assumption. They seemed to be surprised when the monks turned out to be non-nihilists and just human. What did they expect?

Is this article saying that there is NO self at all in Tibetan Buddhism? My understanding is that the Tibetan Buddhist teachings talk about how there is no "permanent self" (but this does NOT mean the self doesn't exist at all). It just means that the "self" is not a fixed, permanent, ego personality that goes on forever. In Buddhism, "John" might come back as an elephant, so "John" the human would no longer exist. His "life force" (mindstream) would still exist, but in a fluid, ever-changing form. Even during his human lifetime, "John" will undergo many internal (and external) changes. Five-year-old "John" is not exactly the same as seventy-five-year-old "John". This makes him "empty" of any real, fixed "John-ness" but that doesn't mean he doesn't exist at all. Buddhism isn't total nihilism, (at least not the version I studied).

I am not surprised that the Tibetan monks would think more about death and dying, since Buddhism focuses a lot on death and impermanence, etc. (Why did they compare Tibetan Buddhist monks to lay people? I think a study between different monastic groups from various spiritual traditions would also be helpful.)

I was just wondering if Daoist ordinations have similar categories as they do in Tibetan Buddhism, (which I am most familiar with). They have celibate monastics, and also the lay householders, (the tantric practitioners). The latter are also ordained, but it's a different kind of ordination. I'm not saying Daoist ordinations are the same, but it's interesting to learn about the different traditions and their various forms of ordination/initiation. I understand what you mean. Many traditions have a process where one can receive an initiation and enter into a particular lineage as a practitioner. That doesn't mean one becomes a lineage holder who can bestow initiations and teach the practice. I get that.

Energy just rushed to your head. 'Kundalini' is a yoga term. It is a kind of energy that everyone has. Sometimes when people meditate, the kundalini moves through the chakras, (energy points of the body). It sounds like some energy might have moved to your head. The energy centers that they talk about in qigong (the dantians) are different from the chakras and it's not the same kind of energy.

In Buddhism there is a special ceremony where you 'take refuge' in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. You can feel like a Buddhist before taking refuge, but once you actually take refuge, you're **officially** a Buddhist. (Btw, Buddhists get the same b.s. from people about having no desires or wants and being at peace with everything, lol! ) Was it a lay ordination, or did they ordain you as a monk?