helpfuldemon

I have been re-reading more Crowley, and I have to say that even should you do some of the recommended practices of discovering your true Will, there is no guarantee that you will not be lawless. The idea seems to be simply that you do things with intention, rather than being a victim of bad programming, or choices that you made that you don't agree with. It doesn't stop a person from being hateful, or warfaring, or evil. Should a person be inclined to hate or be evil, they are free to do that, if it is their Will. I said before that if there were a True Will, then we would all partake in it, being that it is the only Will to have that is True. But that is not the case with Crowley. It is the recognition of all people being different, and having their own Will. He hopes that should we all find our True Will, that there will be no clashing, but that is ridiculous. I find that Crowley contradicts himself on many levels, and his system is a mess. His goal to bring harmony is impossible to achieve, and when you read about how he encourages us to fight one another, and says that hate is like love; you realize that harmony isn't his agenda. The only true wisdom that Crowely manages to bring is the recognition that we are free to do what we need or want to do, and that we do not need to be restrained in many ways that the major religions say. His mystical interpretation on life is fancy, but none of it can be proven, and it all seems like motive for inspiration rather than factually how we exist in the Universe. He gives us plenty to empower ourselves to do and to act and says that when we complete his exercises, we will know ourselves well enough to know how to use our Will, and what actions to take. Still, it doesn't prevent war, or hate, or evil. It appears that he thinks these things are part of our nature, and I would agree, being that this world is not perfect, and that we don't always get what we want or have control over what happens to us. I like that Crowley frees us from some of the unnecessary restraints that have been placed upon us. I appreciate that for some people, they are not in tune with their Will. This was never much of a problem for me, so I can't say I relate much to it. His system is for the strong to overpower the weak, and for the strong to fight for their rights and belongings amongst themselves. It is animal law turned into words and system. We aren't required to love all, though he claims that Thelema means Agape, and so I assume that we go to war over treating people with a Good Will and love. We hate those that do not give that. We fight them for our place as superior. I think when you enter the Abyss, you proclaim your Will and work towards achieving that, but that the struggle with the demons and the effort put forth in finding your Will and law is so exhausting that it neuters you, and so you come out Will-less.

I spent years contemplating mystical ideas, figuring how they work together, what the result is. It is a very creative thing to do, but one day I realized that none of this can be proven; that we fill ourselves with false hopes, and it leads to making reckless decisions. It certainly is a motive for action, but it is flawed. Now I sit quietly with no delusions about the supernatural. I am free of worrying about my power, and the power of others. I just let things be, and let them come by me as they are, without worry about how. It is a stale environment in which I live. It isn't creative or magical. Sometimes when I think about all that I have been through, I come up with ideas of what it holds in the supernatural, and I have to remind myself that this is an unknown, and to stop thinking about it. For me, it is safer to live like this, though it is not as exciting as when I travelled through magical realms of possibility.

Whenever the shaman farted, it rained.

I have come to terms with this, but since you put it that way... maybe I AM special! That was no manifestation of Ego, that is just facts.

I don't have any trouble. And yes, my ego has been destroyed, many times.

I appreciate all the ideas people have about initiation and demons, and ego destruction and travelling the astral. I have no evidence that this was meant to be a helpful thing. I do agree that there was ego destruction, but I think that is a result of the experience, not the reason for it. I don't dare to say what it could be, because then it would give me some false hope, or give others a false hope. I'd hate to think it was just some sort of punishment or torture with no reason or benefit. I like to think that since the God responded to my plea for love, that love is important to the God, or, by responding to me, I am important somehow, but like I said earlier, it doesn't feel like a privilege. In the end, it was just hardship for me. I had to choose to fight to educate myself, I had to choose to destroy my ego.

Thanks.

All Gods and magic are suspect. I took an oath to aid mankind prior to my experiences. I thought that i would be helped in this quest, but all I found was torture and distraction from actual learning. The Gods were cruel and uncaring. Magic failed me. I had no protection. I was implanted with wires and overtaken by them. I was assailed with visions and hallucinations, distractions. I went through incredible physical pain and mental trauma and stress. I didn't get any answers from it, only more questions. And the questions were endless.... I don't think I am special in terms of a body that is in line with Heaven. I don't think this experience needed to happen, but I could be wrong, I may be in a more advanced state of beholding the Divine than other people. I don't think it matters though. One could say that I am important to the Gods because I heard them speak, or had visions, but I do not feel like this is any privilege after what I have been through. I don't have any answers about the Gods and magic, or Heaven and reincarnation; these things could all be fantasy. All i really got from my encounter with the Gods is my destruction.

Correction: I no longer believe in it.

Yes. Morality is about the effect we have on others. One can live without care of that, but their actions will soon beget consequences that are detrimental to the individual that performed them. One can continue to perform these actions, but eventually it will catch up to them, and they will lose their place in society, and it is nearly impossible to live without the co-operation of society. Morality is necessary. I define Good and Evil as; harming another person's health, wealth, and liberty is Evil. Aiding others is Good. I've found that it is that simple. Of course, in aiding people, you need prudence to decide how and when to do that.

As with most adherents to a tradition, you lack the ability to perceive truth outside of it. You have repeatedly failed to read what I say about my experience of magick, and only look for what I do not know about it. It is true that I was an outsider into magick when I had my experiences, but that doesn't mean that I didn't practice a sort of magick on my own, which led me to an initiation that is written of in the Golden Dawn and Thelema material. You like to disqualify my person as a magical entity because I wasn't a student of your precious Crowley, well let me tell you something, Crowley didn't invent magic, and neither did he know all that there is to know about it, or contacting the Divine. you're like an devote; blind to the experiences of the outsider. If you read my posts you will find that I did take an oath to aid mankind, you will find that I do discuss wisdom and law, and you will find that I do offer some take on magic, though I have yet to talk about it that much. I'm not saying I have all the answers, I'm not saying I have new revelations, I'm just sharing my experiences with it- so stop naysaying what I know or who I am please, because it's a waste of your time. Yes, I have been sick, ever heard of Choronzon? You think these things are just myths? There is truth to myth always. And another thing, on other posts you seem to poo poo the idea of magic on a personal level on one hand, and then promote it on the other. For as much information as you know, I find you to have incomplete ideas and contradict yourself on numerous levels. Why don't you just sit back and aid us like a good magician, and try not to throw in your personal barbs? I will do the same. Thanks.

I had particular events occur that led me to believe that I was undergoing an initiation into the 7=4. Just because it's not common doesn't mean that it didn't happen to me. It doesn't matter though, really, because it was mostly just tortured thoughts. I can't claim to have been aided by the voices that came to me; it doesn't appear to be a quest for Wisdom, though that is what I undertook.

I never used to believe in "the Gods". I thought, if there was a God, then let that God do what He will do. I thought, if there is a Heaven, then, if I do a good job on Earth, I will get it, and so I focused on being a good person. I had a lot of personal work to do! I was a terrible child, a thief, and angry. I didn't see the world as fair, I thought people were cruel, and so I became cruel. I had no laws and I was a spiteful embarrassment to my family. Then one of my best friends was killed in a car accident at the age of 18, right after High School graduation. She was so beautiful and intelligent, and I was ashamed that I was still alive while she was taken from the world. I confronted myself, and I realized I was a terrible person. I swore that I would do what she could have, and so I went about changing myself for the better. I gained control over my impulses, I stopped treating people poorly, and I stopped being cruel. I became kind, and started obeying most laws. When I was 22 I heard of self actualization, and started contemplating that. I went through a deep depression and didn't know how to perceive the world. I thought "What is true? What is real?" I considered what I knew. I believed in a God, and so I asked myself what I knew about this God. The words "God is love" resonated with me, and I figured that if God is love, and the creator, then He made this world, and the world was love. I was renewed. I made a lot of friends and was very active creatively. I enjoyed my life a great deal in those days, was always active, had many friends and lots to do and explore. I studied fine arts at an expressionist school and started painting. I went through imagery and decided that it wasn't inventive enough to paint what is there, that I had to discover a new imagery. I figured I needed to make something that couldn't be photographed. I stopped painting what was known and started to let the brush and color lead me to imagery. I didn't realize it, but it is something of a meditative Zen practice. As I painted I was visited by ideas. I was contemplating my life and the world, and allowing my hand and the brush and paint to define the canvas. I would get ideas and I would think about them. I believed I was having a conversation with higher powers; that they were asking me questions and I would give my opinion and send them out into the atmosphere. It was a sort of magic. I also started doing yoga type stretching and posing. I began weight training and refining my body. I also meditated. I would lay down and contemplate, and raise questions to myself and think about them, eventually allowing my mind to think them through on their own. When I would rise, the problem was resolved. I wasn't a very complicated person, I felt pure and simple, and motivated to enjoy my life and treat people well. I knew I couldn't change the world, so I changed my world. It was a good life. Then when I was 28, a friend got me thinking about good and evil. He said "What's good for you isn't necessarily good for me". I didn't understand that. I was thinking about it, reaching up with my mind to contemplate what was good for him, what didn't I understand about what was good? That is when a presence entered my body, took hold of it, and grabbed a pen that was in front of me at the time and drew out a symbol. This presence left, and my friend and I were dumb struck. I decided that it was a message, so I went out and researched symbols. I went to the bookstore and was overwhelmed. I saw a tarot reader and she told me to start with the pyramids. Another clerk at a bookstore said the symbol looked like something from alchemy. I found a book about symbols and it said that if you receive a symbol from the Heavens, that you should dissect it and examine its parts (like dismantling a glyph). As I did this, I started considering the conversation I had had with my friend about good and evil, and I thought "Isn't love the greatest good, don't we all want love?" I thought "Why do I think this way?" and I travelled back through my memories and what I knew about love. I recalled that I thought God was love, and that God made the world. That is when the image of the Arab girl that was on National Geographic came into my inner vision. She stared at me with those eyes, and at the same time I thought that the world was love. I somehow flew over the world astrally and looked at it, for the first time, I saw the world as it might be, and I saw a lack of love. The world wasn't love! It was something else. And so, I raised my head and cried "You aren't the God of love! Give me the power to bring love here!" That is when a voice spoke, from everywhere; in my head and outside of it. It spoke four words in a language I did not know. The voice was like the combination of a masculine and feminine person, like two voices speaking in unison. As it spoke there was a trail of voices, all repeating the same words. I thought I had damned myself. I said "Who's there?", but nothing responded. I went to lay down, thinking I was about to die. I fell asleep, and when I awoke and found that nothing bad had happened, I decided to go out on a quest and discover what there was about God. I thought I had been blessed with the power to bring love to the world. I thought I had been chosen for an Order of people that could change the world. I began researching things and could not find this symbol duplicated anywhere. A few months went by, I began documenting my findings, and my experiences. I found a website with a star that was animated and I stared at it, transfixed. It sort of hypnotized me. I went on documenting, thinking I was part of an Order. I laid down to meditate, thinking "I am part of an Order, the world is order..." Then I thought "No! The world is Chaos!" and that is when I saw a blue jewel in my inner mind, and the star superimposed itself onto it, cracking it open. I saw myself running across a field, and an Angel over me, lifting me up. I heard "Chesed, Chesed" and saw a vision of a being on a throne that said "I am the Sephiroth, I am all that is". I said "No you're not!" and opened my eyes. That is when something pierced my right ear. It felt like it was grinding my essence into pieces. It was loud and terrible, and I felt my head explode. It didn't take long and wires were implanted into my brain and body. It came from my groin and went up to my head. I was assaulted by a lot of visions and voices over the years, most of which I cannot make sense of. Some of it made sense, but overall, it proved to be a meaningless experience. I do not know if the voices and images were hallucinations or real. I assume it is a mixture of both. I have had to fight for my sanity. I have had to fight to clear out my mind. Now I just sit quietly. I don't have much to say to anyone, and feel that a lot of conversation is useless. I don't have the power to change the world, and I don't feel the love that I used to.

It's funny, because people don't like to validate that I understand certain occult things because I don't use the words that are written to justify my knowledge. I only have pieces of knowledge that lead me to the occult explanations. People like Nungali, who never went through this, like to remind me that I have a psychiatric condition. Well, if you went through it, you'd need medicine too. I'm not a scholar, and I suppose that I should stop referencing these traditions to explain my condition, because people just want to criticize my knowledge and they don't listen to the gems that I have, they just see what I don't have. not that I have much. I mostly write here so I can come to understand what has befallen me. It's not like I went to some ascended master and they pushed me into the Abyss, or awakened my kundalini for me. This just sort of happened to me on my own research.

Yes, the subtle body is not on the radar, but as someone that has had kundalini awakening I can vouch for anti psychotic medicine helping me gain a hold over it.

The Abyss is more than just a diagram or codes. It is personal, as well, and what you deal with in it is dependent on your experiences prior. I didn't have much occult knowledge so when this all happened to me it was quite a surprise. I studied after I fell, but I was being afflicted so badly that I don't think I learned what I could have if I had been normal. Eventually I tossed all learning aside so I could regain myself. I posted that diagram because I had the serpent climb my tree and bite my head, and I had the sword pierce my right side of my head. I think most descriptions and explanations fail this experience. I wonder how many have actually gone through what I went through. We like to think we can neatly package this information, but it is all varied. I only know a little about it really, even though I experienced it first hand. From what I can see, I think it is the merging of a device that is like your Will with your body, and then a person is in a sort of balance with their Will and desire. I don't think it confers anything special other than this but who knows? I could be wrong.

We don't know what powers we possess. It is safe to say we have none, for the rest of it is unknown. We also don't know what the Gods will do, whether they hear our cries, or what they do on their own. It's all suspect. Thinking too much about it or trying to prove it leads to madness.

All Magick is suspect. A New Age? Who is to say? Weather magic? How do we know? The point is to try if you like. Be careful not to go insane.

I believe that the Gods know sorrow for us, though it appears they do not take action, I have seen that they can and do act, though why and how I don't know. In my life, the Gods have been malicious, but I think they can be merciful as well. That is why when I pray, I only give thanks for their mercy. Asking for favors is folly, asking for revenge is folly.

Sorrow is how we cope with loss, or the awareness of something tragic. It doesn't change anything but it is something we do nonetheless. I wonder why?

Well... I didn't mourn the death of love. I said no more mourning! I meant it.

I think that love is the first lesson, that we learn what is good from it, and that we master right thinking and action. Beyond love is logic and law. But what good is being human without love? I am sad, because in me love is dying. If sorrow is wasted, then so is love; for certainly we sorrow because of it. Now I am left with logic and Will, and my Will is not very strong, and my logic is not very developed. Oh now I mourn for the death of love!

Oh how I mourned for our condition! But the Gods have set the Law of Nature long ago, and no amount of sorrow will change them.

It's not hard to understand me. I have thought long about life and Nature and the world, and found it to be a reason for sorrow. Now I am deciding that to grieve it is wasted, for it changes nothing.

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