helpfuldemon

I thought they were emanations of the One True God of Israel.

I don't see what could be tested, other than my endurance and patience.

Funny, because when my head broke open at first it was just wires in my groin and my head turned on it's side and there was this little dot of an energy thing in my head. It was like that for a couple of weeks and when I meditated I could feel it in my consciousness so I decided to try to remove it and cure myself. It was my dinging with it that agitated it, and then it came alive one day and the wires came.

You might wonder how I got into the occult. I never paid it much mind before the god spoke. I dabbled in tarot, and read some of the Golden Dawn manuscript, but other than that, and a book on Chakras being from another planet, I didn't get too far. I always believed in creating your own self, and I was a liberated person. I didn't have a religion, I figured God is God and if there is one, there's not much point in praying to Him because He already knows what needs to be done. In fact, I never used the word God. I never said Jesus in surprise or condemnation. I wasn't an atheist, but I may as well have been. I just never had much use for religion. I figured, if I did a good job in life and got Heaven then good, and I tried to be good. I had a long way to go, because I was a terrible child. I feel like my adult life turned into a good life; I was kind and compassionate and forgiving, but I can't say I was extremely generous or charitable, because I didn't have much. I found it hard to finish school and I dropped out. I was a painter for a few years and figured if I kept at it I might sell something. I waited tables for money so I never worked full time. I wasn't greedy or over indulgent, except for sex; I had a lot of it. I started exercising and playing sports when I was 25 and I learned that having a nice body and feeling good about yourself got you attention. I did do some drugs in my early 20's,. and then in my later 20's, but I never felt that connected to them as a lifestyle. When I was 22 I chanted "Amon" and practiced some meditation from a book I read and my chakras all lit up and lined up, pulsating in rhythm up and down my body, which is why I looked for a book about them. I wish I had known there was so much real information about them, it would have led me to Buddhism and Hinduism, and maybe I would have found some religion. When I was going through confirmation in the Catholic Church I wasn't convinced that this was how the world worked and I said "Jesus, I'll get back to you". I wish I would have known then that the world does'n't work that way, it's how we want it to work- and it takes discipline to get there. I was a wanderer, and a single man, and I didn't have much direction. When the spirit entered my body when I thought about good and evil, and drew out this symbol, I was stunned. A few days after, having spent time thinking about God and religion and what I knew about it, I had a flash of me scanning the world, and I started to see things that I hadn't previously acknowledged; namely, greed and suffering. I had always thought "God is love, God made the world, the world is love". I realized I was wrong, there was more to this world than love, and I mistakenly blurted out "You're not the God of love! Give me the power to bring love here!" and that is when I heard the supernatural voice speak in a language I didn't know. After that I thought "The world is order" while meditating, but then it occurred to me that "No! The world is chaos!" and that's when my head cracked open. I had a vision of an angel, and then saw a being on a throne say "I am the Sephiroth, I am all that is". Then these wires started coming in, and my body was under attack. They came from my groin and in my right ear, and overtook my genetalia and my brain. I started having visions in dreams and hearing things. I finally asked "What is happening to me?" and fell asleep. When I started to awake the words AIWASS and WHITE BROTHERHOOD flashed in my mind. That led me to Thelema. I had thought after the God spoke that I would return to Christianity, so this all came as quite a surprise.

You're right, it's a miracle that I am not psychotic and hallucinating.

Not as much. My thoughts are quiet now. I centered my mind and I don't use the upper or outer parts of my brain. I get tired a lot though. Sometimes my head is so tight that I need to sleep to alter it. I feel pretty good, just have no interest or enjoyment.

The meds do have a numbing effect but I think it is because I had to lower my thoughts to the ground and keep them low or the wires would go crazy on me. This led me to a depression that lasted over a year. During this time I gave myself some therapy and realized that most of what we do is unnecessary. That realization, combined with my low mood and keeping my mind centered led me to this state.

I don't have any fight left in me. Fighting off the voices and my ultimate defeat/submission left me depleted. It's okay though. I've acclimated to this state. I really don't see the point in doing anything anyway.

It's difficult to get people to understand that my mind and my emotions are deadened and that I have no interest in anything, that I just want to sit in silence and do nothing. It used to be that I didn't see the point in anything; it was more intellectual. Now it is just a mood that I cannot exit. At first it was a bother to feel this way, now it has become my normal.

Thank you for asking, and thank you everyone for entertaining this post. I do feel better, I'm not hallucinating. What makes it hard is the questions I have, and the fact that I have no interest in things anymore. I'm like a zombie.

I've been asking myself why for a long time. Why did this happen to me? Why, in our enormous expanse of galaxies, did a God, or alien, or whatever it was, do this to me? Why me? I just cannot justify it. It's no wonder people just say I am sick. I wish with all my heart that I could believe that was all it was, an illness. But, the things that happened to me happened, and whether anyone else believes it doesn't matter, because I know. Even still, I just cannot justify it on any level.

It seems to me that a perfect God would know perfect order and want to see it fulfilled. The animal God is a God of chaos, but a God of mind would know perfection. Morality can be somewhat relative but I think there is an absolute out there.

Considering, upon observation, that this world is animal in nature, and that we are prone to following our animal natures, and that the natural world of elements is so terrifying, I actually believe that God did not create it, but somehow found us, and is trying to save it. The highest point of mind is the least animal, in my opinion, and it see's our folly and our fears. Now, what does this have to do with me? I don't know. I don't know why this happened. Perhaps it was out of anger, or perhaps it was to teach me a lesson. It was pain and it wasn't good, that's all I know.

Yes.

I don't know what you people think we are... we're animals, playthings of the Gods.

The Gods don't honor such things.

I've asked myself why a hundred times. I'm no one special, I can't even say I am an average person, I'm below average. I wasn't even fully mature when this happened. It makes no sense and it provided for nothing to anyone.

I guess you could say I gave permission. Once I realized that there was a God I threw myself at its feet and said do what you will. I don't think it needed permission though. In fact, I don't think Gods honor any rules. Yes I would call it possession.

You can't really test something like this. A voice speaks, doesn't say who it is, doesn't reveal what it is saying (because it is in a strange language) then wires come into my brain and overtake my body. I didn't name my God so I can't say who it could have been, not that our names for Gods are accurate. The Divine realm is it's own world and we are simply trying to identify it based on our experiences. All that can really be said is that there was a being (a God, perhaps, what else?) that entered my body and used my hand to draw out a symbol, then when I called out, it spoke, then the wires and the voices, most of which I have concluded are hallucinations though some of them I believe were real. It's not a matter of identifying this entity, it's more about the evidence of what came from contact with it, most of which has been negative.

The voice spoke in a strange language. The voice was like two voices speaking, male and female, and as it echoed it sounded like different voices speaking in a trail echoing off into silence

It didn't need to be "the' God, when I called out to God a voice replied in a strange language and it didn't sound altogether human. It was a Divine Being, God or not, something from above.

See, it makes no sense. I wasn't granted any information or training from these things, just random hallucinations and the occasional word or idea I'd either never heard of or didn't think on much. I see it as all really unnecessarily and the only thing I can use to justify it is that when I told God to do what He wanted with me, that He used me as a focal point for venting his anger. This has been very destructive and it makes me want to destroy, but I submit to tolerating it and neutralize that feeling. I just sit and allow this device to devour me.

I appreciate all the feedback, I really do. A number of you have tried to give me a new perspective, and I've considered them all. From my vantage point, knowing that a God (or Devil) can be cruel, and that this being has power over me, I've realized that the only thing to call to the God for is mercy, to thank Him for His mercy, because He doesn't have to be merciful. Who can really say what the Gods do to and for us one way or the other? Best just to thank them for mercy and leave the rest in their hands.