helpfuldemon

What is TCM?

If truth is relative, and cultural bias, then that sort of defeats the law of karma and reincarnation, no?

No never thought to

Thinking about it, its really hard for me to believe that Im the only one to experience this. Sort of like a 1 in 8 billion odds.

If I heard about this from someone, I too would suggest it was just energy free flowing, but as it was experienced by me, I had to watch as it took over my body. It felt like wires, it could have been energy honed in a wire fashion. It was tangible, and I could feel it peeling away at my body. It is indeed still going on, and yes, I have seen doctors and their medicine doesnt help too much, though it does offer some relief. I was really hoping, since so many of you are so well read, that someone had come across something like this that I could read. I cant believe Im the only one to experience it. Ive seen glimmers of ideas in literature that might reference it, but never full definitions that I can relate to.

I got to thinking, after my last post, what Wisdom do I have? I thought Id take a stab at it here. Obey Laws. When you break a Law a cloud forms over your aura, and you begin to fear law enforcement, creating a paranoia. You become a liar, and liars create webs that snare themselves. Unless you are going to break the law without care, this will wear on you. If the Law is unbearably unjust, then revolt, but remember: revolutionaries die, or are incarcerated, and ask yourself before you choose this: is it worth it? Keep what you earn. Protect what you have. Do not give it away, unless you expect nothing in return. People will simply use you up and abandon you for the next target. Of course, this is not always the case, for in love, we share. Only do this if you are committed and wealthy enough to protect and support your lover. There is advice that you should give everything away, and when you do, there are events that can take place to those kinds of souls, but from experience, I do not see the payoff. Give honor to what people honor, though you do not adhere to it yourself. No point in conflicting with peoples beliefs unless it stops you from practicing your own. Again, this is revolutionary, and should be done with care and caution. If you possess a different way, prove that it is good and wise, rather than aggressively fighting over it. Most people avoid conflict and struggle. Most people do not want to be contested. Be strong and firm in your convictions, Stand your ground. There is no need to compromise with someone that does nothing to benefit you, since they do not see eye to eye with you anyway. Compromise only when it benefits your long term wealth.

The way I proposed to help people was to give them a lead on understanding, but my pursuit of knowledge never led me to Wisdom, at least not in the practical sense. What it led me to was the understanding that a lot of Wisdom is simply opinion, and that it cannot prevent bad choices. I also realized, to my chagrin, that people do not have to listen to Wisdom- something that should be obvious, but that I never considered, I always thought that if I could find the right words there would be no denying them. This fact broke my spirit, and I have given up trying. In light of what you say, that people need to redeem themselves, yes, they need to figure out on their own what is the right answer, but that does not mean someone shouldnt be putting out what the right answers are. Because of my madness, I have lost track of what a right answer might be. Im out of steam, I cannot bring myself to imagine scenarios to provide Wisdom. Im not a lawmaker either, so theres really no point in me bothering. Im a little voice that influences nothing. Im lucky to have survived this long enough to come to any understanding at all anyway, so it is fine for me to stop, so long as the demon lets go, which it thankfully has (for now- no telling if it will return, its returned in the past).

Thank you Daniel, I have been doing what you are suggesting on my own initiative, except for the stop thinking of making a difference for others. The curse has been in recess for a little while now, though not entirely; my mind is still being adjusted by the demon, and I often fall into depression- at least there are no more hallucinations. What concerns me now are my dreams. I dream I am being hazed or initiated, into a group that is violent. I dream of weapons, myself using them too, to prove myself. I dream a lot of strange things, strange landscapes, and none of them comforting to the heart.

sex and death

...and so I retire from contemplation. I never made it to perfect Wisdom, if there is such a thing. I cannot straw man my way into new words any more, I have no realm of expertise from which to draw ideas. I wish that this curse had not befallen me, as it proved to be pretty naive of me to ignore what already exists in the ways of information. I sacrificed my youth, health and wealth to become what I am today, and it wasnt worth the price- there is nothing wrong with living in ignorance of our natural world, or our social world. Those that can, do. I wasnt ever going to make a difference.

How does this line of thinking not lead to absolute selfishness and lawlessness?

Let me put this another way: are there no absolute rules that all must agree upon? Something universal, like say, killing another human is wrong? Or, theft is wrong?

I think youre going to have to learn to live with it. My experience with Kundahlini started two decades ago and it hasnt gone away. Its taken on different shapes but Ive never been free of it.

From my observations and contemplations I can definitely say we are not our thoughts alone. I believe that there is some kernel of a thing within us that collects our experiences, and that we have an alternative set of experiences we arent truly aware of that it encounters. I think this kernel of a thing, call it a soul if you like, generates our thoughts. Its influenced by our bodies actions and our minds choices, but it exists in another plane. For me, this plane is infinite; I have no static home, Ive seen in vision and dream many scenarios, and been told many things, things that do not necessarily correlate into one themed Universe. I think it is possible there is a home for this kernel of a thing after death, but I cannot be certain. Ive often thought that we are born with this kernel, that this kernel is us, and that our waking state is unawares of the going on within us, but is influenced by its memory.

I went looking for truth. I learned that much of mankinds methods and spirit are subjective, and that there is no prophet that can put it all into one categorical answer. We can map it out, we can logically declare the most sensible things, we can point out what is necessary and true from a survival/communal aspect, but we cannot declare that everyone do it, or is able to do it, or can even understand it. This comes partly from wealth and education disparity, and also because of the challenges of your environment. Desire has a lot to do with it too- as we are free to want what we want, and we dont always get what we want, because people can say no. Free Will is a problem for Utopia. In this quest for truth I taught myself about math and physics and philosophy. I gleaned the vision of reincarnation and karma, and other religious/spiritual concepts- all of which remains to be proven, but makes sense in an optimistic way. The ultimate truth may simply be that we are creatures that can manage to build greater things from our environment that will protect us, and that our environment is difficult, and that we simply live and die. I think the concept of Heaven came from the concept of God- that there is something greater out there, in a better place, and that maybe one day we can go there. When you realize the scope of the Universe you have to admit that the power to create something so grand and vast might not even bother with saving this little speck of life named Man. Its a nice idea, since we are so much more able than any other animal, that we have a privileged position in the Universe, but, once again, this remains to be proven. From personal experience I know there is more to the Universe in regards to higher life than we see. I do not know what life is like for them, and I do not know what they want or do to and for us. I think this is the only logical, sane way to observe these things, but of course, people love faith and the hope that is promised by the prophets. Embracing our mortality takes a strong Will.

My life bespeaks of the tenacity of the human spirit. Ive fallen terribly ill many times. Three times I have put on 80lbs, and three times I have taken it off. Ive been down so low that I couldnt get out of bed many times, for months. Its not so easy to do when the illness wont let go, but there have been times where I had freedom from it, and was able to rebuild. I am currently in another phase of freedom, though the last time I went down, I said I can never go down again, because I am out of strength. Well, I am getting stronger now, but I am not so anxious to rebuild, its very disheartening to have to pick yourself up from the depths of madness and regain health and wealth. Im taking it slow, as you suggest, and Im no longer as ambitious to work on things, but that is because most of the work- if not all of it, is done. Im at peace. The best way to describe this peace is to say that we live in a naturally wild and powerful environment, and work towards forging a civilized reality for mankind, which is not yet perfect and may never be- though we must try, for our survival and longevity.

Tell me about your heart. Is it filled with lust? Or pride? Do you have dreams to chase, or are you simply living to be alive, or are you waiting to die? Why do you persist? What do you want to see happen? Talk to me...

I wouldnt be so hard on yourself. It takes time and inspiration to do the things youre seeking. I wouldnt say you have a weak Will just from these examples, Id say you havent been motivated to task yourself.

Thanks, Im getting there. Its been a long and difficult process. The hallucinations only recently stopped, and sorting through those took a long time. Im finding my strength and meaning, though I sort of like this apathy, its something to learn from. I might laugh at it all one day, I dont know. It seems to me that its really all we can do sometimes.

Its strange. Ive been through the existential despair, Ive been through the mistakes of my life and regret, Ive been through mourning the loss of my health, youth and wealth, Ive despaired about our environment and its flaws/vulnerabilities, Ive despaired that we are not as actively kind as we could be, Ive despaired that people ignore one another and ignore the opportunities to develop a great life, Ive despaired that we cannot know what comes after death, Ive despaired that we essentially cannot know God, Ive despaired that we will not all do what is wise. Ive had my share of depression, not to mention, pain- and I am not in these states now, but I do not feel joy either. I dont feel pleasure either. When I lost hope, something in my heart broke, and the ability to rise up in enthusiasm or feel joy also died. My heart is silent and my thoughts now are silent as well, but my intention is and has been for a long time, benevolent. Im tired, and Im retiring. Ive spent a long time thinking and learning and speaking, and Ive concluded that people will live and learn and do things that are unwise but in their eyes necessary. Im at peace with this process of life. I dont have Wisdom to advise, I know the wildness of youth and I know the wild youth will do what they feel they must. I know, too, the power of greed and indifference, and I know that people with cold hearts will withdraw from acts of chesed. There is plenty of Wisdom in this world, and though I find small places of disagreement with the systems I have examined, for the most part, they are good. I dont have the strength to do better, and Im tired of pointing out improbably fallacies to people that are convinced in the words of their prophet. Im also not going to fight them over obeying their prophet either. I am willing to let people do what they want and pursue what they believe, and feel is right- even if that isnt "correct". My suffering for the world has come to an end, and now I am going to start making art again, and rest. I will probably not know romantic love again, and finding friends is difficult, but I am safe and I have my other needs met. It does sadden me that my innocence, my exuberance, my youth and my strength are gone, but this was bound to happen as I age anyway. Im just grateful I am not being tormented with hallucinations and pain anymore, and I thank God every night.

I am grateful that you get something out of my posts. Ive learned a lot about life, but through all of this suffering Ive learned lessons that are more important than what I know now. Ive learned to respect your youth (if thats possible) respect your beauty (youll be ugly soon enough) respect your power and opportunity and resources, like your health and fitness, and ability to learn and be employed. These things we take for granted, and often complain about, but when they are gone, things get really difficult (though not impossible to adjust to)

I have experienced a broad selection of mental illness. This illness has been both psychological, intellectual, and physical. The pain I have felt has been of all three spectrum's, and as of the past two months I have been in none of them, except for the pushing of my Will to learn more, which is somewhat of a discomfort, but I dont call that pain, I call it work. Yes I want to get out of this illness but its not something I have control over, though I am learning to adjust to it so that I can try to live a stable life. A happy life? I dont know if that is possible right now. I am content (mostly), if that matters, but I wouldnt say I am happy. How can I find happiness when everything is ruined? I also find no pleasure or joy. The only times I laugh is when I think about how sick and demented this illness has made me. Im getting better though. Time truly heals wounds, and if youre allowed the time to heal, you will slowly forget.

Thank you for your encouraging words. My pursuit of meaning and my illness go hand in hand, and its a slow journey back to being playful. It doesnt help that when I was manic about meaning I alienated my few friends, who basically told me to take a hike and I was left all alone, then the polar vortex that winter came in, and I was locked down in my apartment for a month. During this time I fought to understand why I was in so much pain from being rejected, unfairly, I thought. It made me confront what I wanted out of friendship, and I became enlightened to the fact that most things are based on joy and sorrow, and that we are caught in a cycle of emotion. I also got very sick shortly after this, and after spending the last 20 years of my life struggling with this illness, and seeing my life fall to ruin, I realized that the only thing keeping me afloat was hope, and that it was time for hope to die. It was a very dark time, I was suicidal but I still didnt give up on my pursuit towards understanding. Im left feeling somewhat cold, though I wish love for everyone, for me, love has died. I want to consume and destroy, but nothing I consume satisfies me and I see the foolishness in destruction. There is no longer a dark place for me to retreat to, and no place of light to inspire. I am standing (spiritually, mentally) in one place, but it is not static, because I am still roaming a bit, roaming to understand and teach myself. Ive realized a great many truths in this process, and I am comfortable with what I understand about Law and Nature. I also believe in a general goodness in people, though I think truly good is a rarity. I see that the world of experience is larger than we can ingest, and most people are travelling on their journey, some lost, some in a good place- and that we shouldnt expect to set them on a course, but that doesnt stop people from plotting them. I do not believe I can do better than the Wisdom that is already so available, perhaps adjust it to some degree, but that would only happen were I a better student, and my mind is exhausted now. My friend just purchased me 500 dollars in painting supplies, I am going to start playing again. I miss the fearlessness of art.

This doesnt satisfy me, but Ive learned to accept Nature, and the limited civilization we place on it. My friend was just saying that he has hope that all these inroads towards equal rights and fair treatment will chip away at what I perceive as the naturalist view that animals are animals, and we have the right to participate in life in an animal fashion. Personally I think the need and reason for order is to counter this animal/natural method- though I see that the animal/natural method is ripe pickings for many philosophers. I think Plato figured this out all those years ago, and even he conceded that mankind needs these animal things, though I think he too found it in distaste. As far as the heart and mind, I dont separate the two, but you can separate yourself from them. In the end I believe that the mind leads, because a heart can be wild and irrational. I think the heart, like the stomach, is something we learn with the mind from, and make adjustments according to what it teaches us.

I am not in pain, but as my friend just said, "Theres more to living than just not being in pain". Hes right of course, but for me, there is nothing more right now, but that is because my illness has robbed me of my health and vitality, and opportunities to expand my surroundings with more activities and friendships. Compared to my previous experiences, I am not suffering, but compared to someone that is thriving, I am. I see all relationships as somewhat vampiric, some more than others. Its not very often that someone doesnt have an expectation on you.