kino

Hello all, I've been masturbating since I was 13, I'm now 28. Before I would masturbate about 3-4 times a day when I was about 16 but after my girlfriend left me when I was 20 this habit got destructive. I masturbated out of sheer frustration, thinking about her having sex with another man. This led me down I dark path where I was actively trying to destroy my genitals and myself; I masturbated about 8-10 times per day during that time. I would masturbate until my penis hurt and nothing came out. I've been trying to kick the habit for sometime now but It's proving difficult. When I was 24 i started having complications with what started with the head of my penis (itching/burning) which progressed to the urethra and has now found its way to my scrotum. I'm starting to feel the effects of masturbating on my whole body now when I participate in the behaviour and I noticed that my body does not simply spring back to vitality anymore. Now when I masturbate it hurts my lower back and belly bottom during ejaculation. I regret my decisions so much that i'm filled with dread. Became curious in neidan about a year ago and I've realized that I was destroying one of my 3 treasures all this time (jing). Is it possible to replenish it? is it possible to heal? Sometimes I feel like I've fucked this life up and the only way forward is a restart of some sort. Any advice.

@All I cant thank you all enough for the support and sincere concern you showed towards my situation. This community is so wholesome and filled with compassionate people. Continue to shine light in the darkness of people's minds. I'm doing much better than I was yesterday. I started listening to the book of changes audio book. I had my mind and intentions in the wrong place. I wanted to heal but wasnt applying the right effort in the right way. My actions were counter intuitive to the result I wanted to see. I now know the depths of despair living incorrectly can take a man. I will strive to see heights that proper living can bring about. My energy is coming back and my breaths are getting deeper. Still not fully going down to my legs but I can breathe in my pelvis area now. I will continue to come back to this page to reread all the wonderful advice you all have given me and employ them in my daily life. Again thank you all, Much love and peace to you all.

@ChiDragonI looked up taiji for a bit. Do you practice tai chi or is the practice something else? if its something else, could you point me to resources where I can start?

Yea this started happening to me, I feel depleted the day after. My body usually springs back with just a little brain fog but now I feel like I'm fading away the next day. I guess its our bodies telling us that the habit needs to go.

Yea this. I felt a bit more connected after this morning meditation, but I know my disconnectedness is bound to return. My breath is shallow. Been working on it for about 2 weeks now when I noticed that I couldnt float my legs while swimming in the ocean. My upper body floats fine, but my legs sink like a rock. When I follow my breath, it feels as if it cuts off at my hips and refuses to go to my lower body. Thanks for hope, I needed to read this. How can I fix my breathing. I try to breathe deeply but if feels like my lungs are so small. Smoking weed so much didnt help over the years, but it was the only thing that helped me to cope. I will work on my breathing for the next couple of weeks then go to taiji. Again thanks for the hope.

My heart felt dammed up for the longest while, I was suppressing alot it seems. I cried hard this morning, I had been holding it in for awhile now cause I've learnt over the years that tears does nothing to remedy the situation. I was wrong, crying relieves a sort of pressure that weights down the heart. After crying and typing that message earlier, I feel the urge to meditate. This time I sat through my 20mins session like always but for a brief moment, I felt clarity and heard a still small voice telling me not to fear, that all is as it should be. It lasted maybe like 2 seconds in reality but those 2 seconds felt like a mini eternity. I rarely get so relax and serene when I meditate, guess the cry helped me. I also realized that everything I place out in the universe through my thoughts were causing pain to both myself and others. I will be more mindful of what I think and say.

I tried all 3 more than times than I'd like to admit. The psychiatrist diagnosed me as clinically depressed at 24, and gave me meds. I dont like the way SSRI's make me feel or think after awhile taking them so I stopped. He told me I was his most complicated patient to date and he was suppose to be one of the best in the island. All they do is talk and try to get you to figure your own shit out. I've done so much meta cognition and talking to myself that I know all the narratives they can spin. I thought about trying one more time recently but then thought "whats the point".

@Nahfets Thank you so much for your detailed response. I woke up this morning in one of the worst states I've ever been in. Thought I was coming out of the depression but it seems I thought wrong. This sense of hopelessness washed over me that when I sat to meditate I had to stop because of the dread I was feeling. This whole life felt like I've just been trying to heal since the onset of my depression at 14-15. I worry I may never heal and just end up suffering all the way through. I'm still here cause my mom is still alive and I dont want to hurt her, so I continue to suffer for her. I cant connect with anyone and life feels like one big prison. How can I forgive my past hurts, how can I let go of the pain. I keep lugging it around with me like i'm addicted to the suffering. It's all getting too much to hold onto now. I want to let it go but I just dont know how to. Meditation helps to bring me to the immediate now, but it does not help to reframe the way I see the world. I would like to see the world differently but I dont know how. Is there a practice of something I can do to fix this?

@ChiDragon Thank you for replying. I'll be sure to check through your posts. Could you give me a hint of what you were speaking about so i could find it easier?

Thats good news I guess... So the desire for sex depletes jing then right? Thanks for sharing with me

Just want to leave a warm and sincere thank you to all who gave their 2 cents to this discussion. I learnt a lot from not only reading the posts addressed to me but from observing the exchanges between other members on here. I really love and respect this community and what it stands for. I wish all a blessed journey on their path. May ours cross again sometime in the future. Thanks again to all.

Where can I find a real nei kung master, I'm willing to do anything to train with a master but I cannot afford the expensive seminars that they are offering online. I am a poor man, living in a 3rd world country.

Do you know of any books i could turn to or where I could begin... Seems like a lot of controversy and confusion about which system and where to start. Any help would be greatly appreciated. You speak with the same condescension of most first world citizen. rudi is charging 1000 euros... Do you know what kinda of money that is in my country. Not to mention the reoccurring 50 euros? Not everyone was born with a silver or gold spoon to be throwing away that type of money. I am getting my finances in order fyi, just not at that place where 1000 euros is nothing for me. The 50 euros wouldnt be so bad but its the initial 1000 euros that you have to pay first that's raising red flags for me. I dont have that kind of money to risk for a system that I'm not sure will bring me the results I seek. Im not looking for super powers, I just want to know the truth of this world. Why does it have to have such a high price tag. If I had known it I would share it for FREE cause thats the type of person I am. Thank you dearly for your advice, I will definitely try that... (you are the only one that actually gave me a good advice)

Greetings my fellow brothers and sisters. I am a 27-year-old male that lives in Jamaica. My reason for joining this forum is to seek like-minded individuals that I can share information with and bounce ideas off of. I have been doing extensive reading into occultism and the mysticism since I was 15/16, However I was initiated until 19 when I met someone that goes by the alias LVX. Life happened and I went to collage so I had to pause my studies in the arts. During collage I became severely depressed and lost interest in everything (even living). However, I did manage to push through and finish uni. I've recently started overcoming the depression (about 2 months ago) naturally and finally gathered enough strength to seek a job. Now the emptiness of life is looming once more, and I keep telling myself that this can't be all there is. To work just to buy stuffs I don't need just to die and leave it all behind sounds like a fool's game to me. I remembered a vid I watched during my teens by john Chang and gave it a watch. It reignited the thirst I had for the truth. I'm not seeking any "superpowers", I'm seeking the same thing I was when I started searching 11-12 years ago. I am seeking the source, God, truth (whatever you may call him). I wish to be illuminated so that I may pierce through all this confusion and be at ease. My greatest wish is contentment and that is something that I don't believe modern society can provide. If you've read this far, my sincerest thank you. If you know of any real nei kung masters hidden away in any mountains, please let me know. I'm willing to walk as far as my body will allow and do whatever it takes to receive real training.