Cadcam

The pain came when the jewel cracked open. The hallucinations came later.

Oops

The voice i heard was both masculine and feminine, like two voices, each made up of infinite souls, speaking as one.

A couple of weeks later I was meditating and thinking about order. I thought "i am of an Order, the world is Order..." then the thought "no! Its all chaos!" And then I saw in my mind a blue jewel. Then a star appeared over the jewel and cracked it open. I saw an angel and heard "chessed, chessed" then, a terrible grinding sound in my right ear, and incredible pain in my groin and head. I was suddenly in front of a throne and the being on it said "I am the sephiroth I am all that is". Ever since then, 25 years ago, I've been plagued by hallucinations.

Nearly 25 years ago, back in 2000, I was provoked into contemplating what is good. I thought "love is good" and this presence entered my body and used my hand to draw out a symbol. I read a book that said when you receive a symbol, you should dismantle it into parts, which I did. As I did this, that picture of the al quida woman from the cover of national geographic flashed in my mind. I started to astral travel the earth, and saw places. As I did this, I started thinking about what I believed. Ten years prior, when I was struggling with life, I had decided I believed in God, and that God was love. I believed God made the world, and then took a fatal error and declared that the world was love. As I was astral traveling, looking at the earth and remembering what I chose to believe about the world, I realized that there were people without medicine or food or water. For the first time in my life I suddenly became aware that there was real suffering in the world, and I cried out "you're not the god of love!" "Give me the power to bring love here!" And just as the last word fell from my lips, a booming voice that seemed to come from all corners spoke in a language I did not know. I immediately cried "who's there?" But was met with silence.

It seems to me that life is quiet and boring unless one has a career or hobbies that satisfy and give meaning. Love is good too, but that isn't always easy to find. I have none of these. The only thing that gives me a little joy is food, and that is such a small part of the day.

No

God should be nothing but mercy. Humans are finite and short sighted, and we can't possibly fathom what God is like- being infinitely immortal and potentially all powerful. It wo I ld be difficult to imagine that a god of unheard wisdom could be offended by a mortal.

I get what you guys are saying, but I don't experience the joy and happiness when I stop pursuing pleasure. I just feel dead inside.

I've noticed that as i fall asleep, I begin to imagine all kinds of scenarios, so I truly believe that I could be the author of my dreams, and yet sometimes it would seem some are written. I worry about an afterlife because I've seen that in these underworld states I feel like it is my body, and I know I am susceptible to pain there. My dreams aren't very desirable usually, and I fear being stuck in hell

Happiness comes from the result of satisfying actions. In order to decide on a course of action, one must desire something. So when we eliminate desire, we also eliminate opportunities for happiness.

I think life exists to keep God entertained, and to give God bodies to feel and experience itself. We're like pets. I don't know how much any of us individually matter.

It really sucks to be me. I've had visions and voices that indicate something, but in reflection none of it adds up. I know it wasn't all hallucinations, but certainly God wasn't directly communicating with me, or at least, God doesnt care if I understand. And so, I am left thinking I am cursed.

I used to think God loved the human race, and wanted us for company; to experience itself through interacting with us. Then I concluded it's more for entertainment that we are kept around, for why would an infinite immortal being love such short lived and untested creatures. Since God seems to be indifferent to suffering, it makes sense that we are disposable. Lately I'm realizing that there may be no reason, or every reason- for our continued existence. I've thought before that humans aren't the primary life forms. That some other lifeform is more important. Perhaps we are just here to fertilize the earth to be turned into resources? God doesnt typically answer when called upon, and God is not in plain sight, and so there must be a reason for that.

So long as a magician understands the meaning of a word, and how their intention affects the dialog of a situation, they can imbued their actions with magical force.