Cadcam

I really don't know. I can say an external force started this, but over the years I've seen that the mind can imagine whole worlds.

As I said, they are infrequent now.

There are still demons and voices. It's not relentless as it has been. They aren't really mean, per se, and they don't tell me what to do. It's just, imagine having hallucinations and voices playing out scenarios in your mind and body, forcing you to react and make choices about things you don't really understand, and then the next one comes, and the next- and you just can't rest or stay on top of it, and then the physical part makes it more maddening.

Well, I started silencing my mind 2 years ago. It was always pretty quiet anyway, but 3 years ago demons started attacking it, causing me to hallucinate, so I had to find stability. I buried my mind within my brain, and just detached from the parts the demons were torturing. So it's been two years of silence. It disturbs me to think, and so I don't. Yes, I am mostly still, but that isn't how I want to be, or so I think, and so I try to find something else that I can enjoy, but nothing satisfies. It's long days of nothingness. Sometimes it's surprising how the time passes. Is this living? Is this enlightenment? To be nothing?

My mind is still, but I'm not comfortable with the sitting in stillness, and so i try to find something to do, but my mind isn't attracted to any activity, and so i return to the stillness. I'm not creative in this state. I'm close to giving up looking for distractions because nothing satisfies. Perhaps then I will return to feeling compassion.

It seems to me that we owe much to religion and philosophy. Yes, it's a cage, because without it we would just be following our animal will.

I'm not so sure God is love. Being invisible, the gods can do what they like. I suppose that is their privilege, being immortal. I suppose too, that they get bored and want to cause a little mischief.

I guess I shouldn't say i crave these things, craving implies some sort of carnal hunger. It's just a want that I notice when I find no satisfaction.

Yes, I feel bad energy when I cuss, or do anything immoral

I have a craving to do things, and enjoy life, but nothing is appealing to me, and the few things I do don't satisfy. Then there is this want for some kind of closure: a transition from one state to the next, but life just goes on and on. I don't think, or can't, rather, and nothing makes me more aware than I am. So I sit, or sleep.

I dont know, i can only say that nothing satisfies. I'm like a blank slate. I don't feel love or joy hardly at all. I don't feel much of anything.

Yup, you got it right.

I never claimed to be Buddhist and if you read the first entry of this post, it clearly defines what i think Satanism is. And yes, I sit and think nothing quite a bit, and do very little.

If you read my post, that was in my past.

I'm an independent thinker, a monk of my own design. I don't ascribe to any system but my own.