Cadcam

The way harnessing chaos works is, you appraise a situation and understand the way it is running. Then you imagine the confusion and change, and opportunity to realign it with new ideas and actions, and you mentally apprehend the energy that this would create and direct it onto the environment.

I wonder if anyone else has experience with conjuring and harnessing chaos?

When I was young, Chaos was a motive: it was a power. It was the act of shaking up the status quo. I would mentally harness minds of others and mix them, as if trying to break down prejudice. It was a tangible thing. Now I understand that there is a set of ideals for thought and behavior, and that there is the free will not to engage in that order, and so, there is Chaos.

When I was 22 I had an existential crisis. I was disillusioned with myself, and the world. I didn't trust academia, had no idea what to study in school or how to get a good paying job. I didn't know who to be. I laid in bed depressed. Then my spirit guides visited me and as I fell asleep, they said when I wake up, to imagine a new beginning, to imagine that life started over. I awoke and didn't feel burdened by my past. I asked myself what did I know? I decided I believed in God, and that God was love. God made the world, and so the world was love. I found myself open to trusting people. I became curious about everything, and wasn't afraid to ask people questions about life. I became a thinker, and would spend long hours contemplating simple ideas, and meditate on them. Finally, years later, I started studying philosophy. I journeyed through a two year course, and it affirmed a lot of what I had thought about in my 20s and 30s. However, I couldn't understand why it seemed that love did not prevail in the world. I had blamed God, for if God was love, then why do we hate, and why do we diminish others, and why is there violence and poverty and suffering? It too k a few years, and as I went along trying to learn and understand, I was afflicted by demons, and made insane many times. Then one day as I tried to defeat this chaos, it occurred to me that it was the act of desire that was to blame. It was humanity's ability for free will; that we all had the ability to choose. I saw the world then, and still do, as chaos and order, and our ways of responding to it, and how we choose to react. This enlightenment is not much different than what I knew before, but it is the journey of knowing, and then having that knowledge destroyed, and the rebuilding that is important. Now I have my evidence of God, and I understand life and people, and have my peace.

When I was 22 I had an existential crisis. I was disillusioned with myself, and the world. I didn't trust academia, had no idea what to study in school or how to get a good paying job. I didn't know who to be. I laid in bed depressed. Then my spirit guides visited me and as I fell asleep, they said when I wake up, to imagine a new beginning, to imagine that life started over. I awoke and didn't feel burdened by my past. I asked myself what did I know? I decided I believed in God, and that God was love. God made the world, and so the world was love. I found myself open to trusting people. I became curious about everything, and wasn't afraid to ask people questions about life. I became a thinker, and would spend long hours contemplating simple ideas, and meditate on them. Finally, years later, I started studying philosophy. I journeyed through a two year course, and it affirmed a lot of what I had thought about in my 20s and 30s. However, I couldn't understand why it seemed that love did not prevail in the world. I had blamed God, for if God was love, then why do we hate, and why do we diminish others, and why is there violence and poverty and suffering? It too k a few years, and as I went along trying to learn and understand, I was afflicted by demons, and made insane many times. Then one day as I tried to defeat this chaos, it occurred to me that it was the act of desire that was to blame. It was humanity's ability for free will; that we all had the ability to choose. I saw the world then, and still do, as chaos and order, and our ways of responding to it, and how we choose to react. This enlightenment is not much different than what I knew before, but it is the journey of knowing, and then having that knowledge destroyed, and the rebuilding that is important. Now I have my evidence of God, and I understand life and people, and have my peace.

I doubt we have much control over what happens after death, if anything, though I have seen enough of the complexities of the mind and body to think perhaps there is more. It's not just that death is inevitable, it's that we can't control so many other things too. I've learned that grieving, mourning and trying to understand is somewhat useless, especially useless in that it changes nothing, only internally, which I suppose is enough

I guess what I mean to say is that no amount of mourning, and no matter what you think, or understand, will stop the worlds movement, or change the inevitable outcome of death. It's something I dwell on a lot these days

I'm dwelling in the thought of how powerless we really are. Especially in light of the gods and their power. What will happen will happen.

I get it. God radiates love and it's up to us to accept it. Sounds like a psychological trick

Though it is a nice idea, and I'm sure God appreciates our love, I don't believe that God must love each of us individually as is often suggested by Christianity. God gave us free will to choose to love, and loving everyone unconditionally leads to problems. No, people have to earn love. God too, has the free will to choose who to love, and can you imagine, with the billions of people born throughout history, and all their virtues, deeds, and talents; how hard it would be to attract God's attention and earn God's love?

I also dwell on the fact that my emotional awareness and actions won't change things. Suicidal thoughts, grieving; won't change anything, things will still be what they are. Again, it's not like I do these things to make a difference, as if I'm more special, but this awareness helps me to be calm.

Lately I've been dwelling on the insignificance of my existence. It's not as if I thought I was more important than others, but going through hallucinations and psychosis has a way of making one feel immediate and elevated purpose and meaning. 8 billion people, more than that dead in the past... little Ole me.... it's humbling, and I see the futility of a lot of actions and behaviors.

Well, I can say from experience that some dreams, at least, are formed and written. I think that there is a personality behind reality, and if anything, I'd say that this personality likes to create, and for that reason I speculate that dreams are just one more venue for them to do so.

Things in my head have been quiet for about 5 months now. I no longer think really, nothing deep or complex at least. I look back at my madness and wonder how it got so complicated and terrifying. I no longer have a use for philosophy. The world simply is.

Now that my meds have taken hold, I'm stable. It's been about 4 months of normalcy, thankfully. I can't believe how insane I became.