Cadcam

I've gotten to the point where I hardly think at all. I've tamed my mind, and my desire. I sit in the quiet of no thought. The Buddha was most wise to identify desire as a root of the human condition. It seems that we simply can't get enough of satisfying our cravings. I feel it, and it makes me suffer, because I realize that this is really all we are; desire is all life is. All we have is satisfying our wants. It makes me sad, how transient life is! Just to live and want and do, and then die! Even in the afterlife, should there be one, the cycle continues.

Though it is a nice idea, and I'm sure God appreciates our love, I don't believe that God must love each of us individually as is often suggested by Christianity. God gave us free will to choose to love, and loving everyone unconditionally leads to problems. No, people have to earn love. God too, has the free will to choose who to love, and can you imagine, with the billions of people born throughout history, and all their virtues, deeds, and talents; how hard it would be to attract God's attention and earn God's love?

I really don't know. I can say an external force started this, but over the years I've seen that the mind can imagine whole worlds.

As I said, they are infrequent now.

There are still demons and voices. It's not relentless as it has been. They aren't really mean, per se, and they don't tell me what to do. It's just, imagine having hallucinations and voices playing out scenarios in your mind and body, forcing you to react and make choices about things you don't really understand, and then the next one comes, and the next- and you just can't rest or stay on top of it, and then the physical part makes it more maddening.

Well, I started silencing my mind 2 years ago. It was always pretty quiet anyway, but 3 years ago demons started attacking it, causing me to hallucinate, so I had to find stability. I buried my mind within my brain, and just detached from the parts the demons were torturing. So it's been two years of silence. It disturbs me to think, and so I don't. Yes, I am mostly still, but that isn't how I want to be, or so I think, and so I try to find something else that I can enjoy, but nothing satisfies. It's long days of nothingness. Sometimes it's surprising how the time passes. Is this living? Is this enlightenment? To be nothing?

My mind is still, but I'm not comfortable with the sitting in stillness, and so i try to find something to do, but my mind isn't attracted to any activity, and so i return to the stillness. I'm not creative in this state. I'm close to giving up looking for distractions because nothing satisfies. Perhaps then I will return to feeling compassion.

It seems to me that we owe much to religion and philosophy. Yes, it's a cage, because without it we would just be following our animal will.

Reason to believe that the world is a hologram that is projected outside of my body. When I go out to smoke, I run into the same neighbor at least once a day. I also am outside when a city bus is passing by. What are the odds that I choose to smoke as he chooses to go out, or that a bus with a windows of a minute would be passing by? I mean really, which makes more sense: this infinitely enormous reality with its unfathomable amount of space and planets just coincidentally existing, or all of it is fabricated for one person?

I'm not so sure God is love. Being invisible, the gods can do what they like. I suppose that is their privilege, being immortal. I suppose too, that they get bored and want to cause a little mischief.

I guess I shouldn't say i crave these things, craving implies some sort of carnal hunger. It's just a want that I notice when I find no satisfaction.

Yes, I feel bad energy when I cuss, or do anything immoral

I have a craving to do things, and enjoy life, but nothing is appealing to me, and the few things I do don't satisfy. Then there is this want for some kind of closure: a transition from one state to the next, but life just goes on and on. I don't think, or can't, rather, and nothing makes me more aware than I am. So I sit, or sleep.

I dont know, i can only say that nothing satisfies. I'm like a blank slate. I don't feel love or joy hardly at all. I don't feel much of anything.

Yup, you got it right.

Ever since I was young, I've been a rebellious, and lawless person. This has changed, but as I reflected on my past, I had memories of different things. For instance, I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old, standing in the middle of my bedroom and calling out "Satan be my god" around that same time I stopped going to church, totally refusing it. This drive my parents nuts. I remember walking to school, and this spirit was giving me lessons on chaos and order, and I, not being happy with how things went, decided to cause chaos (not the right decision). I used to harness this idea of chaos, as I would interact with others. It gave me a spiritual strength. Eventually I found myself manipulating energy with my mind. It was a form of magic. This all came back to bite me in the ass.

I never claimed to be Buddhist and if you read the first entry of this post, it clearly defines what i think Satanism is. And yes, I sit and think nothing quite a bit, and do very little.

The fall of Adam and Eve came when they ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Prior to that, it would seem they were just living and doing in an almost deterministic sort of way. Contemplating and cataloging what is good and evil seems to be the origin of the birth of consciousness and choice, decision making, and law. So, did the elders that wrote this story believe ignorance is bliss?

If you read my post, that was in my past.

I'm an independent thinker, a monk of my own design. I don't ascribe to any system but my own.

I've come to accept that humans are not inherently moral. We are driven first by hunger and security, then lust. As we age we receive training that instills moral character. This training has been developed by saintly thinkers. I wonder if we aren't manufactured by a much older society, that already found a way to overcome the death and need for bodies, and programed our species to easily learn. I certainly know there is something else out there, and as a child, had voices that guided and inspired me. I've also witnessed that spirits can speak through me, and control my body. Ultimately I think all is Chaos, with the gods bringing order.

Well yes, they are actual experiences, that we carry with us.

Yes I think it's the variety of species, and ideas. I feel like these dreams are on different planes, with some different laws about time and matter. I feel like in those places, things are accelerated and more intense for those who visit them

Idk, it felt very real. I know that the mind can imagine whole scenarios on its own, and I suppose that when we sleep our true inner self interacts with our history, and knowledge, and ideas, but sometimes it seems to be coming from an external source.

Thats a thought. I never considered drawing a distinction between my state and the state of others. I used to be filled with compassion but now I don't feel it. I treat all people with the same respect.