Rheor

Software engineer / developer.

Whatever gets [cleared out] / [released] out of my system from the bottom of the feet, crown, sometimes I feel it exits from the heart center ("buzzing out") directly like three days ago. Inability to commit to something "out there" with confidence and/or resolve, can't force outcome while being so unsettled, losing grip with things, days passing by doing nothing frozen in dilemma : going all-in with meditation "escaping" responsibilities or trying desperately to get some grip with my life which depends on me getting a job to not depend on my parents any longer while undergoing energetic changes. I am an introverted loner to begin with, conscious of the non-dual nature of things from childhood, could not engage like other kids from a young age, half way between connecting with people / half way distant. I am not an ambitious person, building businesses and such endeavors is foreign to me, I like team work, cooperation and to be helpful. Otherwise, I have not really explored my artistic side yet, at least as a hobby. Career: software engineer / developer I was absorbed for years in society drama, due to anxiety, uncertainty, deep need to envision society differently I could not work, I was way out of balance, balance (at least working towards it) is my requirement as a foundation for all things. I saw how technology was used in "evil" ways (I won't expand on it here) and did not want to contribute to it in some way or another to not add my mess to the chaotic world, so I abandoned it. It would be practical to just resume my career but I don't see going myself going back, close my eyes as if nothing happened. Not even speaking of having to perk up my skills again due to unemployment, working through anxieties / inner conflicts / disbelief of this field plus some energy symptoms. It might be better for me to let go of this chunk of my life and find another source of income, not really for the fun of it... might get me to socialize though. I used to read buddhist sutras after being fed up by lot of things like political agendas, fake agendas, absurd laws lacking ethics, conflicting viewpoints, contradictions, ... I threw the whole political agenda business / useless drama in the garbage, no longer watching news or anything related to society where it's at or where it's going, have not looked back since, adding up to my reluctance to face the world again, due to uncertainties from "ignoring" it for so long. Wanted to focus on myself, not depend on externals so much to dictate how I feel and how to think, result have been me isolating from lots of things including the idea of going "out there". Then with sutras, it helped me for a while, but I realized I could not keep up with it for long, it was not pushing me to change my circumstances at least not directly, I was escaping again. I don't have anything much to connect with, apart from nature, Tai Chi, reading Carl Jung for now is okay distraction too . I plan to learn TCM starting the end of the year, I can be useful to others, has broad range interesting subjects, even if I don't make money off of it, it will spark my interest again in something concrete, will meet new people too. No, not yet, I might reach out to discuss Jung matters with him maybe, thanks. That is something I should practice more, thanks. I will check out, thanks. Sure.. I can't pretend that myself anyway, I have been pretty stubborn and unbalanced. Maybe I can hope for things to change towards balance and clarity in the future, and I can stop being an odd mess.

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Both, especially before having lots of "dirty chi" pouring out. There might also be some unconscious laziness and character defect adding up to the "process", that is why I talked about "Anima possession" due to being "stuck in emptiness" and reluctance to take active stance in the practical side of life after having my inner landscape turned upside down for so long without groundedness in real life. I took pride in my old career 4 years ago, now it feels so alien and no motivation to put in the effort in going back to that.. Sorry for the rambling.. "Anima" is the feminine side of man, "Animus" is the masculine side of woman according to C.G. Jung. They are psychological archetypes deriving from the unconscious and have value in being integrated to be more "whole". Anima integration would be about consciously expressing latent feminine qualities in you, that don't have the opportunity to shine in waking life, hence they remain in the "shadow". I like this quote to explain how it can typically manifest negatively ("possession") in real life : After getting interested in Carl Jung work I remembered about the "du-yin", which is the closest concept I found to include "Anima" in cultivation terms. According to William Bodri in "How to Measure and Deepen Your Spiritual Realization": I am also not really interested about "supernatural" / energy phenomena and such, I am more interested in being more a balanced person overall in a practical sense right now, socialize more and start "living" again (maybe too soon, I don't know), minimize unnecessary inertia in my own life. I don't have any teacher, other than internet, thankfully reassurance is there too.

Thank you for your reassurance, I always check for otherwise potential health issue so no worry about that. The hardest part is about adaptation: difficulty concentrating due to energy overloard / upheaval and having limited capacity for things. Makes life within society trickier, not sure I can hold a job for now due to intensity, but life circumstances push me towards resuming one. For me they are just side avenues to explore for healing and don't interfere with the process in my case. It helps to take care of aspects I did not consider before. In my opinion, it's very healthy to integrate Anima regardless, or to do some regulating practices to calm the nervous system other than meditation, Tai Chi / "Om" / Socializing / ... I appreciate you replying in this thread, have you been through this process too ?

My intuition tells me the process is working as it should, I try to adapt to it the best I can. In my experience most of the difficulties stemmed from resistance / fear of the unknown. When I stop thinking about the sensations, it's not so bad at all, it required accepting them and going with it. Yes, it has been a difficult emotional roller coaster, but not necessarily directly linked to the "process". I worked through theses emotions in the past (many of them are no longer relevant): grief sadness depression bouts of excessive paranoia distrust of life dissatisfaction towards life excessive worrying about occasional health issues or about society defeatist attitude despair hopelessness helplessness (would not muster up the courage to do anything at all, pointless to even try anything) shame/guilt/worthlessness Now it is more like: some degree mental confusion restlessness anxiety feeling of insecurity / instability feeling of being in a "limbo" sometimes Dorsal Vagal Shutdown explained the initial difficulties: https://acupuncturetoday.com/article/34334-polyvagal-theory-dorsal-vagal-shutdown https://advaitashram.org/kundalini-the-vagus-nerve/ I also found out about Anima possession, which is fascinating subject, also partly explains some emotional distress. https://appliedjung.com/anima-possession/

meditation 2 hours a day approximately, gentle attention on the belly expanding and shrinking while "letting go". 45mins of Tai Chi which helps sending more energy to the whole body instead of mainly having it ascending in the trunk. Hakuin melting butter visualization a few times a day (sometimes I do it while walking) which I find very helpful to calm the mind / heart fire, it has a calming yin, stabilizing effect, also regulates bowels and hormones in my experience. watching my thoughts in general. "karma yoga", trying to be helpful when I can with family members. dream journaling to get better insights to my unconscious and integrate ignored aspects of my psyche. I would not call it practice, but I guess life in general, prolonged emotional turmoil with "no way out" but through meditation, loss of old anchors to life (which were already shaky in the first place), deletion of social networks, lost contacts with friends, loss of job, loss of distractions, all of which led to a Dark Night. Hungry ghosts offering I stopped for now, in my experience, I think it actually creates a lot of merit but also increased a lot the intensity of purification, also the mantras involved in the ceremony push through the blockages too much. I needed a break, it was too potent for me, I felt "off" for weeks after a single offering. General lopsidedness towards meditation, not wanting to hear about fixing my life differently.. I prefer to take it slow, I have been partly running away from life and want to live coherently now, cleanup the best I can around the "heart opening", not obsessing over it to much, and try to work on what I previously ignored like survival needs, hobbies, activities, social life, autonomy/independence, etc.. before cultivating consciously with increased intensity. Of course, easier said than done.

Ok, I will leave it on the side for now. Thanks for the words of caution.

Hello @dwai I am very interested in the regulate aspect, also your feedbacks on the mentioned thread makes me want set a time aside and try the three first exercises for myself to see how it goes. I just hope it won't add too much fuel to the (heart) fire. I will keep posted if I have any interesting feedback to share. Thank you.

Yes. That's very interesting, I was not aware how the body could regulates itself in this aspect, for a while I meditated trying to push through the blockages and was having a hard time letting go, that explains why my lower back got so tense.. I will keep in mind the and trust my body. Thanks for your input.

@Mark Foote @dwai Hello, thank you so much for your concern, been having a little disconcerting health issue in the meantime. I will make sure to come back here as soon as possible to read your posts and answer properly .

Hey john, Right now the tenderness, pain and the brain fog feel better, I don't know if you have anything to do with that but I am grateful for your concern anyway, thank you. I pray that you enjoy good health for as long as possible and that you may be relieved from any hindrance as well.

Hello Bums, Few days ago, I went to the chiropractor for the first time to make a few adjustments, I won't go into details about that specifically. The point is the air conditioner was running next to the "chiropractic table" where I exposed my naked back. I believe I got cold wind invasion specifically in the right kidney (I got this exact same problem several times in the past from carelessly exposing my naked torso to cold wind, just to get some sun outside...), now it has been 2 days of fatigue/brain fog (a strange one, that I can link to kidney problems) and urine strip test showed some protein in urine. I pressed manually theses points earlier to try to mitigate the harm, from https://www.ryohoshiatsu.com/en/the-wind-points-shiatsu/ I think it has helped a bit, but can't help worry that I have damaged my prenatal Jing or something (happened 3/4 times in the past), is it something that the kidneys can fully recover from without losing strength each time ? Can I replenish at some point down the road ? Right now I feel my right lumbar region tender and a bit hot. Thank you

I'm a definitely a fan of short mantras/syllables as "formal" ones scares the living out of me due to karmic sicknesses (I put them on hold for a little while..),. I recently started chanting "OM" freely throughout the day due to vagus nerve benefits and restoring overall balance, I just love the simplicity of it. I am curious to try this practice, it will probably provide the same benefits on healing the [nervous system]/[vagus nerve]. I also like the idea of visualizing blue with attributes of comfort, of support, of kindness. Sounds grounding and balancing to the yang expanding aspects. I assume you enjoy this practice considering your avatar, has it personally helped you with the heart center ? This sounds good as it will encourage me to get outside more . Here the only thing I am afraid of, is to want to the hide away from the vast expanse, but I guess doing it in nature would provide the grounding. Really appreciate your concern and your helpful suggestions. I hope you don't mind having asked a question here. I like to leave things in the open for other folks. Anyways, thanks for your openness.