rain

thank you Yen Hui for your enlightening instructive description. I follow every word and its beauty fills me with awe and strong emotions. I chose some 15 years ago, due to natural circumstances, to start a slow descent from my intellect down into the body. I love to play. My mind likes to play. But I seemed to be "giljotined", shut off from the neck and down.... Thinking span 360 degrees at lightening speed, but my body ached. I took a look at our society by studying my internalized preconceptions. Today I support not knowing, working gradually and disciplined, being irrational, not competing, having nothing to show for, being honest, allowing rage, thinking assosiatvely, going by intuition, letting the hard mad laughter out after the unbearable sorrow, keeping in contact with my child within. For the sake of balance. I have chosen to do bodywork without the "translate this physical sensation into something mental". I work intensively with understanding and cultivating balance when I move in qigong and take my 180 and 360 degree turns in tkd. I watch my fear, and try not to let it stop me from moving. I try to stay in the centre withan empty mind in "combat"/play and rely on experience to kick in literally. I choose to be child-like, more like an idiot, because I belive that is what I am.. I want to share my litterature-list with you some day, and tell you about education. but right now I try to keep it simple.

I still meditate with eyes closed. Sitting with spine erect, not to comfortably, either in a simple version of lotus position or on my heels with knees bent. lFocus on the breath. Inhale nose, exhale mouth. Registration of tension. Enter tension. Stay as relaxed as possibly in tension. Breathe. Tension is tension. Tension is not you. Breathe through it. Breathe and think "I am not my body". Feel the body. Breathe. Repeat. Feel the body, feel the tension, Tension may be feelings...enter them, breathe through feelings. Don`t judge. Let i t go. I am not my feelings. Breathe. Mindchatter. I hear it, then I see it. I resist sharpening my lense. I dont listen to closely. I breathe. And let it pass. I am not my thoughts....breathe (thats a hard one).. I am thinking. I am not thinking. Thoughts are not me. Breathe and repeat. (Who, what am I??) I dont remember. I dont care. I breathe. I forget and let go. Know nothing. Breathe. It took me several months of daily practise before I was "rewarded" with the quiet, space that seems surrounded by a soft light that feels almost like a field of "knowing. When my consciousness moves towards it, it responds immediately and adequatly to any question. But I am beyond concepts. It is comforting and I can also feel a great sense of humour. I dont know how long it lasts. I always remove my wristwatch. Energy gained is life gained. So I dont bother much with time-measure. it may be a alfa-beta-theta-mind-trick but I am sure it does good.

I can detect the chattering. It is like scenes being played out in my imagination, following thoughts. Like waves after a "plop" of a stone in water. When it is to much chatter it seems to drain energy. But I try to regard it as something positive. I see the thoughts as "dream-like" and creative potential. (for instance;When you make a sculpture, and you choose to keep, you also choose to disregard and throw away matter.) This is what happens around the thinking process. Of course on a bad day I can clearly see the resemblance to schizofrenia.. . For me being in deep meditation beyond concepts, in the quietness, relaxes and refreshes the nerves. And to be able to recall this state gives comfort when "I am being helplessly beaten by the waves of samsara". Unfortunately now I am able to detect the difference between being reactive and being in balance... and as a consequence the sadness and joy, and the need to forgive, accept and let go is growing stronger. The state beyond concepts works for me a bit similar to chi/prana, like a subtler form of nutrition.

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quare fremerunt gentes et populi meditati sunt inania.... how fragile we are.................... I am out of here.......................

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