doc benway

I agree with Liminal_luke - the relationship between your sexual practices, your psychosis, and everything else in and around your life is way too complex to reduce to a single cause-effect. A host of factors have come together to bring you here and now. Just because your immediate family has not manifested similar symptoms (to your knowledge), does not mean it is your fault or a direct result of the sexual practices. Could they have played a role? Absolutely. Should you have known better? How could you? You thought you were doing your best at the time - try to make some room in your heart for yourself. The anger and bitterness will not improve your situation, only make it worse. Healing begins with space, openness, and warmth for yourself, your situation, and others. I will deviate from the other opinions given here about Western medicine. Psychosis, if this is an accurate diagnosis, can threaten your life or the lives of others. I'd suggest that you work with an MD you can communicate comfortably with in addition to any other healers available to you, be they in the psychology or energetic disciplines. Wishing you peace and warmth.

Hello kitty... Oops. I meant to say Mr. Cat, How fast they grow up!

In the Buddha's stillness lies the fullness of expression, In Jesus' love there is no self, Matchless peers in wisdom and method.

I've always managed to find very large files on the Himalayan Art site that you can explore frame by frame. Quite detailed and high res.

My love and respect for the Christian teachings come from studying some of Anthony Demello's talks. A good friend has studied the beatitudes. It's all there... if we care to see it. We can read anything into anything, it's a gift!

Great books, disappointing movie...

I generally don't even consider Jesus... I was not born or raised Christian. But I have come to see his teachings with the perspective born of a variety of other traditions. And I do think the teachings offer a path towards the light.

I admire the artistry of tattoos and have none myself. My good friend recently got a hah taew tattoo in Thailand. It cost $3 US and he gave the Temple a $10 tip... http://sakyantmagicalthaitattoo.com/index.php/hah-taew-5-lines/

My favorite site: http://www.himalayanart.org/ Here is on for Bön thangkas: http://bonpo-arts.com/ Click Bön, then thangkas

To me he talks about connecting to that inside which we already are that is immortal. You are following him in, inside yourself. He is the guru guiding us towards Kuntuzango. Breaking down the occupation of confusion and destruction and connecting with that which is uncreated and indestructible in our very essence. That's the kingdom - the refuge.

So to feel Qi... Just my own recommendation through training in some different things. Mainly in traditional Daoist and Bönpo practices, both of which are rooted in shamanism, and my imperfect interpretation of how they converge. The real issue is how to NOT feel Qi - you just can't do that. It is always felt. It is as much related to the one who is aware as to any-thing that might be felt. The feeler and what is being felt are not 2 different things. It is simply to realize that everything you feel is an expression or a manifestation of Qi. You are not other than Qi, it's an aspect of who and what you are. You feel energized - Qi, sad - Qi, pain - Qi, it is a part of the experience of feeling, period. It is a process of interaction, the awareness exploring itself, the potential and the differential, the transition - meaning flow. What I see a lot of folks doing is to separate Qi from me and then trying to restrict it somehow - in a pathway, in "my body", outside of "my body." Controlling it, letting it control "me" - storing it, losing it - all that is a wrong view, in my view. And I don't profess to offer a dictionary, authoritative, or orthodox definition - more like jazz right now. It is more a-tuning to a different perspective, almost a different way of sensing life. Just feel what you feel, inside, when the outside (and inside) are quiet - pay close attention, as often as you can and for as long as you can. Feel what and how you feel when things aren't so quiet - pay attention to the activity. All of what you feel - physically, emotionally, psychologically - it is all an expression of the Qi. Feel it in your anger, in your sadness, in beauty, in the transition from life to death and death to life. Then when you have learned to pay attention, you can even try and restrict it to certain channels and chakras, and fields, but by then you realize that all of those conventions are just an inadequate description of what's going on. So you build up the pathways with intention and them break through them and just dance. In a more direct, practical sense - feel it in your sexual energy, that feeling in your body - in your genitals, your pelvis, the gut, the dan tian, the mouth and tongue - there is no more direct way of feeling it than raw sexual stimulation. Then holding what that feels like, learn to recognize it in much more subtle forms in stillness and in movement, play with it in your body as you move, play with moving your attention through the body, scanning, refining. Learn to zoom in with your focus to unimaginably small targets and then feel them open up into unbounded space. It is not other than your awareness combined with intention. Feel your awareness scanning through the body and feel the movement, the balance and imbalance, the stiffness and pain. After getting familiar with what it feels like inside, move the body more vigorously through space getting a feel for the energetic exterior. Feel it in the elements especially! So play with it, have fun with it... Just feel your experience in a different way, through guiding your awareness with intention, feeling what that feels like, inside, knowing it is the very energy that seems so elusive. I hope that helps... Good luck

In a word, yes - I believe that everyone has the potential to feel Qi. What is needed is simply a conducive perspective. The biggest obstacle to feeling Qi is our conceptualization of it. We are too hung up on what other people say about it - how it feels, what they can do with it, how one needs more or less, where it can and can't travel, how to control it, and so forth. My advice is to forget about everything you've read and thought about it. Clearly your path and conceptualization to date have not worked. You need a clean slate. In fact, focusing too much on Qi related paradigms like Qigong and Taijiquan could be part of the problem if they are reinforcing ineffective expectations. And it has nothing to do with your kyphosis or any physical restrictions. Sorry to be a tease - I've got to run and don't have time to post more just now but will do so later today.

I'd suggest you treat sensations and experiences as just that. Chasing after them wondering if you are missing a deeper significance is a dead end and will distract you from benefiting from the practice itself. There are some milestones in practice that are an indication that it is time to change your approach. For example, when we start learning to meditate by focusing on an external or internal object, a lot of effort is required in the beginning to maintain the connection. The thoughts are turbulent and uncontrolled and continually carry us away. There comes a time when the ability to maintain the focus is much easier, this is an indicator that it is time to let go of the effort. In general, things like this are relatively intuitive. There are also indicators that a teacher looks for to see if a student is ready for a more advanced practice. We can sometimes notice them ourselves. It is about seeing if the practices are leading to changes in our lives. Are we more calm, less stressed, better adjusted? Do we focus less on negative things and more on potential? Are we gaining confidence and stability in our postures and activity, both physical and mental? If we are not seeing beneficial changes in our life it may mean that we are not practicing properly, this is where feedback from an expert is so valuable. It could also mean that the practice is not a good fit for us and it is time to move on. It's important to be honest with ourselves about these things. I do think there is value there. It is important to have some sense of your objectives. Then you can see if the practices are moving you closer or farther from those objectives. Spiritual practice can mean many different things to different people.

Some alternative perspectives: He may already have it but he doesn't realize it. Jesus is trying to help the man to let go of what is obscuring the fact that what he's looking for is patiently waiting. Life is eternal and yet we see generation after generation of humans enduring unimaginable suffering. The cycle of pain and confusion doesn't seem to end. Hell is as good a word as any to describe this. I think it's all a matter of how we look at things.

It really depends on what system you practice, do you want to share that information? There are few general rights and wrongs in my experience with Daoist and Buddhist practices. There are exercises that involve focusing on this or that, everything and nothing, movement, stillness, expanding, guiding, compressing, contracting, heat, light, color, feeling, pain, and so on... There are experiences and sensations that arise and vary with person and method. Sometimes the experiences can be a cue as to where you are and what to do next. That's where the expert guidance of a teacher is so valuable - reading the signs which are infinitely variable. Most often the sensations and experiences are nothing to be carried away with, nothing more than an ornament, or entertainment as you put it. They come and they go and the instruction most often is let them come, notice them while they are there, allow them to go without following.

Snowmonki's reply for me was spot on. Part of working with a lineage and credible teacher involves cultivating trust and commitment. This really only comes with time and seeing the benefits of the method. While it's fine to study and read, nothing is more important than putting in the time and practicing as you are instructed. Otherwise you'll never give yourself the chance to see it will work for you. There are infinite methods to achieve any given objective. A lineage represents a group of dedicated practitioners who have developed, organized, tested, modified, and codified and internally consistent and comprehensive set of methods that have proven to be effective. It is worth the commitment, IMO. In the beginning we are very curious and maybe a little anxious and excited. We are prone to ask lots of questions and look in many different places for answers when they are not quickly answered to our satisfaction (youtube, daobums, books, DVD's, etc..). What I found was that much of the information I got in this way wasn't terribly useful in the long run with the exception of an occasional pearl and was more often a distraction. If I simply allowed my mind to rest in the confidence that my teacher was guiding in the right direction, the practices themselves were the greatest teacher although the answers come slow and are often subtle, requiring a quiet and attentive mind.

Honoring the Truth of Who You Are Do you recognize and honor the space of being, the truth of who you are, in the life in which you find yourself? This space within yourself is not a passive place where nothing happens. The whole universe arises, rests and dissolves in that single space. —Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

Some off the cuff thoughts - I think a big part of it is that we are social beings. We benefit greatly from long term companionship. Having someone there we can trust, depend on, someone to share our success and failures, someone to fill in where we are lacking. Someone we can support, give to, and sacrifice for. When something pleases us, our first tendency is to share it with someone we care for. When we are hurting, there is nothing better than the support of a loved one. Successes are somewhat empty when we are alone, failures can be more debilitating without the support of others. Over time, maintaining such a relationship often becomes challenging. Those very challenges are what stimulates us to grow and better ourselves. If we're very lucky, a long term relationship can teach us that, paradoxically, the source of our happiness and unhappiness is actually within ourselves and not dependent on the other. That realization does not cause us to feel more distant but closer to others. So I think that experience of love is something that brings and keeps us together with others so that we have the opportunity to experience the full depth and breadth of human experience, much like the pleasure of sex brings us the opportunity to perpetuate our bloodlines and species.

While one can be taught to make associations, it seems to me to be a natural consequence of the nature of thought - labeling and making associations. It is very useful and enhances survival (I put my hand in fire - I won't do that again; my friend dropped dead after eating that berry - I'll pass ). It also certainly leads to dysfunctional patterns. Once an association is made it is very difficult to unmake and for sure it leads to robotic behavior.

I can't tell you if war existed before the last ice age. It did exist in North America prior to the European invasion. Whether in our nature or a consequence of our development as a "civilized" species, violent does exist in human experience today. That is why I referred to it as fact.

It is especially horrific insofar as prisons in the US have been privatized and the entire system is profiteering from the sacrifice of human rights, dignity, and safety. Certainly there are criminals who require severe punishment but the vast majority of those incarcerated are serving time for non-violent crimes. Committing them to incarceration is indeed a rape sentence in many cases. It's a very sad commentary on Western freedom when the "leader" of the free world incarcerates more of its citizens than any other country.

It certainly can be like that but it doesn't have to be. And I can see how practicing in that way can lead to disappointment and depression, as you pointed to above, when we don't experience the benefits when and how we expect them to be. In my practice, cultivating happiness and joy is absolute objectivity (to whatever degree that is possible). We do not create any filter or have any expectations. Any such creations of the mind are considered nothing more than a creation of mind and are allowed to evaporate. The practice is to simply rest in unfabricated experience, to leave things just as they are. We rest in the stillness of the body, the silence of the speech, and the spaciousness of the mind. The instructions are to not add or subtract, not to anticipate or create. Don't follow the past, look to the future, or change the present, just rest as you are and allow things to be as they are - nothing more. The outcome is that when we connect with our true inner nature enlightened characteristics manifest spontaneously. That connection is elusive due to our aeons of conditioning. it takes time and patience to connect. It also takes expert guidance to help us know what the correct state is and what it is not. Once we do connect, everything is there - all the enlightened qualities like peace, equanimity, joy, creativity, and love. There is a beautiful and succinct quote from one of the great teachings called the 21 Nails, which refers to 21 characteristics of the nature of mind which help us to clarify and stabilize our experience: Its positive qualities are inconceivable, Like the revelation of a king's treasure. The one who rests within its true meaning Enjoys the inexhaustible wealth of its fruition. This is what the Bönpo teachings say. The way to develop confidence in their veracity is to work with it for a while and see the results for oneself. If we just think about the words and concepts, it is like studying a menu without ever eating the food.

Both sides are true, in my observation. When we look at the history of mankind we see violence - there is no questioning that fact. And we also see peace. At the root of violence is the illusion that we exist as separate beings. This can be looked at as fundamental ignorance (Buddhism) or original sin (Christianity). As soon as there is a distinction of me vs you, of me vs the environment, of us vs them - that is violence, as Jiddu Krishnamurti argued quite convincingly. This is the foundation for the "golden rule" in Abrahamic religions and Bodhicitta, in Buddhism. In Daoism, principle of taiji would tell us that the experience of peace is only known due to the potential for violence and vice versa - the two define one another. They cannot exist independently. There is a level of human understanding and experience in which that separation of me from my environment, of me from you, is an illusion. When the truth in that is seen, there is the spontaneous arising of great love and peaceful intent towards all other living beings. When we meet holy people and sages who have deep inner spiritual connection, we consistently observe them to by joyful, peaceful, and loving. When that lack of separation is a part of our life, there is no reason to manifest violent intent as things are simply as they are. Does that mean the sage is never violent? Not necessarily, as long as we are human we have the potential to react to a situation from a position of ignorance or self-preservation (which, in and of itself, is a form of ignorance as when we try and pinpoint the existence of an independent self we cannot find it). I would argue that perfection is not a human characteristic (and it is! but that's for another discussion). Both violence and peace are characteristics of the human experience. I think most would agree that peace is a more "enlightened" quality. However, wrath, which appears as a violent expression of love, can also be a manifestation of enlightened qualities.

I don't mean to sound argumentative but would like to share a slightly different perspective. I think it's important to look deeper into Krishnamurti's ideas about awakening and intelligence. For JK, thought was always and irrevocably conditioned. Thought is in the realm of the known. When he spoke of awakening and intelligence, he was typically challenging and encouraging us to look beyond the known towards the new, the unconditioned experience. For sure, a component of his (non)method involved thought but generally as a tool for transcending thought. So I urge caution in describing his idea as "to think objectively, honestly" as that is a very limited portion of his approach, at least to the limited degree that I understand him. I don't claim to provide a comprehensive summary of his views and approach. His teachings are rich and profound and imperfect, IMO. I come back to them periodically and always marvel at his insight. They can be a wonderful DIY program for the right person at the right time. On the other hand, I think his "method" requires a high degree of sophistication and commitment and only takes most adepts so far, as a result. Regarding Christianity, I would agree that attempting to defend the bible, or any other creation of man, as pure and perfect truth, is a losing proposition and disingenuous. All descriptions of reality are incomplete and inaccurate and closed-minded adherence and obedience to any system, be it theistic, objectivisit, or otherwise, is stifling and self-defeating ultimately. Like JK always asked, can the mind, which is a product of conditioning, transcend that conditioning and find something new? That essentially is meditation. Getting back to Christianity, there is a beautiful teaching within Christianity that can be developed and defended with great consistency and inclusivity in the right hands - Demello, for example. And this tradition also includes the tools one needs to go "beyond the known." I agree with your comment about objectivity in reasoning but I don't follow how this relates to defense mechanisms and depression. Are you referring to equanimity here (equanimously would be the adverb)? True equanimity would not lead one to depression. This is a common misunderstanding of the state. Certainly there are those who attempt to cultivate equanimity who may suffer from depression and improper practice can lead one astray. By definition, equanimity is the quality of remaining calm, balanced, and tranquil irrespective of conditions and circumstance, it is not a precursor to depression. For sure, as do Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Jainis, and just about any other spiritual beings. I think this is why it is often said that human nature is joyful, loving, and peaceful. We observe that those who approach a very deep inner connection are typically extremely joyful, equanimous, peaceful, and loving.

I'll join you.