Maddie

Yea meditation is hard work lol. I've found that when I do a lot of it that I have to rest . Even though what is happening at the moment isn't the funnest thing ever I have noticed a few interesting things. I've noticed more often lately that when I first wake up, either in the morning or from a nap that its like I have to remember which incarnation I'm in lol. It's like this dialogue goes on in my mind and its like "oh what are we calling ourselves identifying as now?" and then I look at my arm or something and then its like "oh yea" lol. I seem to be able to see into ego more (both my own and other people's). Though it strikes me as so petty and such a waste of time what people's egos take for being important or worthwhile to do with their time lol. Though seeing into my ego I'm finding to be useful cause as I do I get more experiences like I was mentioning like when I wake up and see this construct that I consider to be "me" is just a construct. But yea its kind of frustrating when you see people could be cultivating themselves, but instead put so much energy into the stupidest stuff lol. I walked into my apartment managers office this morning to pick up a package for my roommate and I'm pretty sure I heard her thinking something like "my life will finally be so good when all my hard work around here is recognized and I get that promotion that I deserve". It just seemed so pointless lol. Another nice thing is these hidden places of darkness in my psyche that I was previously unaware of until this experience, I am able to fill them up with loving kindness and compassion and they just kind of melt away . It seems that compassion itself seems to be increasing as well. Like when I heard what the manager was thinking I really felt a great deal of compassion for her, seeing as how she was so stressed n such. I think next time I do the Zhunti mantra I'll say a few lines for her lol. I suppose that the taking on of people's karma that you mentioned might explain my strong desire to be such a hermit these days lol. Though I do need this to settle down pretty soon cause I still have school to think about and while missing one class isn't that big of a deal, I still need to be able to concentrate enough to study . I'm sure it will work out.

I was thinking a little more about some of the feed back (since I feel sick and didn't go to school) and it occurred to me that my tail bone hurting from simply sitting in meditation a long time would not explain all the other funky symptoms that I've been experiencing, such as being super sensitive to other people, all the emotional issues that are coming up since, the insomnia, facing the "darkness" and feeling very nauseous. Anyways I'm doing my best to try to stay mindful during this and observe it with as much detachment as I can. I found this interesting. http://www.meditationexpert.com/meditation-techniques/m_basic_meditation_lessons_and_principles_and_techniques.htm Like I said I stayed home from school today cause I don't feel good ^

Yea I do realize I analyze and I know it can be over done lol, BUT I've found that analysis in the past has helped me to get to the root and solve a lot of problems. Yea I know your not supposed to get distracted like that in meditation but yesterday was no average day haha. Um no I don't know what positive ascents are? So in a nutshell your saying maybe too much sitting and not enough standing?

One of the reasons I post my experiences on here is that I find the very act of writing down my experiences and ordering my thoughts helps to make sense of it all. So here goes again.... I had what I believe was a Kundalini experience yesterday. As the experience made me feel manic I decided to go into a little more detail that things seem to be settling down a bit. First of all I want to make it clear that I was NOT seeking any kind of Kundalini experience. I had seen posts about Kundalini on here, but the topic never really interested me. In fact to be honest I was rather put off by it considering it seemed to make people nuts and ruin their lives (at least some people). Rather what I had been doing was a lot of Buddhist practice with a little Taoism thrown in the mix as well. My main practices as of late have been the Zhunti mantra to start things off with. Then usually some mindfulness meditation (either Samatha or Vipassana). Then sometimes I would do a qigong organ meditation as needed depending on how I was feeling. That is the extent of what I've been doing for the most part. Nothing specifically aimed at Kundalini. So yesterday I had been meditating for about an hour seated. After that I did 15 min of walking and then 15 min of standing meditation because my legs were sore from sitting in half lotus for the first hour. During my standing meditation I was positioned in front of a picture of Kwan Yin. Just breathing and looking at the picture. Then I return to seated meditation for another hour. So I'm sitting there in half lotus again and doing Samatha. After about 20 min into that session I become aware of "the feminine" (I don't know how to better put it). After this my tail bone suddenly starts to hurt bad, I mean intense pain. It became so unbearable that I got into child's pose and continued to meditate in that position for a while. I also noticed that as I got distracted by the pain and focused on that it would gradually subside, but then when I felt better and my attention returned to "the feminine" then my tail bone would hurt again. So finally my timer goes off and meditation is over. So I go to the living room and after a few minutes my roommate and her bf come over few briefly to drop something off. I'm struck by how transparent they both seem. Its like I know exactly what both of them are thinking and feeling. The disconcerting part is that my roommates bf while trying to appear civil is actually quite "put off" by me. I'm suddenly aware of his deep seated insecurities and realize that it truly bothers him when his gf/my roommate talks to any other guys other than him. So anyways they leave and I go outside to the laundry room of my apartment complex to put my clothes in the wash. On the way I see a group of construction workers who are doing renovations on our place and another group of college aged kids hanging out outside their apartment. Again I just know everything about what they are all thinking and feeling and its not fun at all. I saw and felt all of their personal fears, insecurities, jealousies, ect. Though the construction workers felt far more comfortable than the college kids lol. So then I go to the sandwich shop to get some lunch. Same thing happens in line there. I just know what everyone in the place is feeling and its just so overwhelming. I get to see the "lust network" going on and see the various people in the shop's feelings towards each other. Then I go back home and at this point I just want to be away from everyone. But there isn't really any relief cause now even by myself I'm feeling very manic, and nervous. So though I hadn't done it for a while I'm hoping that doing the MCO will help because I reason that if I felt all of this in my tail bone, then perhaps circulating the energy around a bit will help to balance it. Though what happens when I start doing the MCO is that I just become more aware of my own insecurity and self esteem issues, so that didn't make me feel better either lol. So I wound up staying awake until about 3am because I was so manic from all of this that I had bad insomnia. This morning I'm feeling "weird" but I can't put my finger on it. Gradually as the morning goes by I start to feel more and more down. Eventually it gets so bad that I'm reminded of the only time I had really felt something so dark, and that was when I was a teenager. Back then I went through this period in my life where I was having lots of issues with my father and I was very depressed and everything was dark and bleak. Well this same feeling came back to me this morning. So I have breakfast and then decide that its time to do my daily practice. So I start with the Zhunti mantra as I usually do. Well this seems to be very effective at lifting the darkness off of me, but only 30 min into it I get so tired that I just stop and go lay down (I never stop during meditation, I usually always plow through even if I'm not feeling up to it). As I'm laying there I'm tired but can't sleep, so the memories and feelings of this darkness are going through my mind but I'm looking at them and sending compassion and loving kindness to these memories and feelings and that seems to be dissipating them. This causes me to realize that when I was a teenager and felt that darkness that I was really just very disconnected from love. This of course led me to examine other dark chapters of my life and saw that just about all of them were due to a feeling of being cut off from love. In the past all those frustrated searches for the perfect girl and the disappointment that followed when I realized there were no perfect people and that, that was not the source of love that I thought it was anyways became apparent. So anyways I'm not saying this is all over, as this is new to me and I'm not really sure how this goes, but so far it has definately been insightful if not totally pleasant lol. I recall Drew mentioning that Kundalini exorcises lower emotional blockages and this does seem to be the case so far, but I'm curious.... I only felt my tail bone hurt, does this mean that everything I've felt so far was contained just there and that I have a lot more of my spinal column to go? or was the pain in the tail bone so intense that I was not able to notice anything else that was happening at the time and there is more going on than just the area around my tail bone? Anyways for those of you who have been through this your insight is valuable to me, because I feel pretty strange at the moment and confused lol.

Man this Kundalini stuff sucks lol

oh dear

that was so cool, I saw that the other night

Who is he, and what makes him all saving?

Now that's interesting cause I guess when I think about it now it makes sense but I had been under the impression that the MCO didn't work on organs directly which is why I tended to favor organ meditations lol. But obviously the MCO was stirring up something lol. ** wow your a genius lol. So I went and did a kidney meditation and INSTANTLY felt better! I'm not sure why but that is probably the organ that I ignore the most often. It never occurred to me to try that. I suppose as the MCO was passing between my kidney's it stirred something up eh?

Yea that's what I did, just rocked and tried to ignore it. It was back and forth.

I suppose I should clarity the order of events. First I was sitting there in Samantha not giving a single thought to Kundalini (I've never really been that interested in it) and then all of a sudden my tail bone starts hurting bad. This lasts a while and the only sort of bearable position was child's pose. Later on I decided to give MCO a try hoping that it might be able to balance out what had happened to me.

I agree. Unless one is totally enlightened the will isn't completely free

I'd say you need to work on your spleen due to the over thinking. The spleen healing sound is "hu"

thanks, but I don't think I said anything that was not courteous

Considering I was in the military and deployed to a war zone and was around people who got blown up, I'll play my exempt card from that last statement

Well see that's the thing. I've never really had any interest in Kundalini and certainly was not doing any specific practice to activate it. This was kind of spontaneous I guess, and it hurt like a bitch, so not something I was going for lol.

Things are getting weird lately lol. So this evening while doing Samatha I'm in half lotus and a start rocking back and forth. Each time I would stop it and as soon as I relaxed again it would just start again, so I eventually just gave up and went for a ride lol. Also I keep getting these electrical shooting sensations in my thighs, its kind of a good hurt lol. At least I didn't feel like my tail bone was being bored into this time which is good. Also now and then see these little white lights floating around when I'm meditating. Oh well, I think most teachers say not to pay too much attention to stuff like this, but it is weird lol.

Yea it don't get much worse than that

haha I get a kick out of your terminology lol. Yes, the Liver is all about goals and plans and reaching them.

So if you really want girls to fall for you, what you need to do is to really develop your Liver channel. The Liver/wood element is the "general" of your psyche. It is responsible for planning, decision making, problem solving, and its virtue is kindness. A well developed liver displays all the classic alpha male leadership attributes that women fall for. On the other hand the liver meridian of a beta male responds out of aggression and hostility due to an attempt at compensation for lack of true liver attributes and virtues. Anyways the liver/wood element in the generative cycle gives rise to the passion of the heart fire. If you have cultivated a sufficient amount of qi (as Drew is showing you how to do, so you ought to pay attention) then your liver/wood qi will give rise to a great amount of passion and desire in the female. Furthermore the positive attributes of the liver will be very profound with in you. The liver meridian is the meridian that runs through the genital area. So if you are loosing a lot of qi through ejaculation then your liver will be drained. Additionally since the kidney/water feeds the liver/wood in the generating cycle if you loose a lot of jing then your kidney's won't have enough water qi to nourish your liver. Now if you do what Drew is telling you in the other thread, then your jing will build up in your kidneys and turn into qi which will make your liver/wood qi very strong and draw women to you like moths to a flame.

That's true in one sense but it depends on what kind of power. Skull shattering is good if you want to scare the s*** out of girls. The kind of power that girls really go for is leadership power because its a manifestation of yang qi. It is this power that separates an alpha from a beta male. That is why girls go nuts for singers, athletes, and movie stars and not so much ax murderers.

um well if you shatter someone's skull you'll go to jail, of course the good news is if you can do that you won't have to worry about being anyone's bitch in jail haha. Girls don't care if you can shatter someone's skull, but they do like the confidence and persona of an athlete.

Ahhhhh that explains a lot. So my roommate who is a perv lol dances and models slutty outfits while some of the girls at school who are more interested in cultivation don't act that way, but like to talk to me a lot.

Yea that's true, if your a jock regardless of sport you become popular with the lasses. I just spoke of the MMA route cause that is what I was into. Interestingly enough though qigong and meditation helped me to advance fast in it. Since most MMA guys don't do that stuff I had an advantage.

*banging head against wall lol. You do realize that to do those things you have to meditate a LOT don't you?