Maddie

My ex girlfriend and I broke up about two and half months ago, and yet it feels like it was only yesterday. I don't understand why I can not get over her? I have tried everything, meditation, qigong, natural cures and the like. I am tired of pat answers from people saying "just don't think about her" or "don't worry about it". I mean if that was so simple to do, I would not be having this problem in the first place. The bigger thing is, I don't understand why I would even miss her at all, as she was horrible to me and treated my like shit. A few years ago I left my now ex wife and that was a relief, it was wonderful to get away from her, and she treated me like shit too, so I don't understand why I'm so hung up on this one. I believe with all my heart that she has borderline personality disorder, and now she acts as though I'm evil and won't even speak a word to me, and tries to pretend she does not even see me if she has to walk by, and I just don't get it, as I had never tried harder to be there for anyone. I meditate several times a day, take herbs, do acupuncture, take Bach flower remedies, crystal elixirs, and homeopathic cures, but it seems as if nothing works. I might go a few days where I think I'm doing better, and then BAM I fall right back into feeling hurt, and missing her. Why on earth would anyone miss someone so badly, who treated them so horribly?? She would hit, bite, scratch, and scream at me, and yet I just kept taking it and being kind to her back, and now she acts like I'm the devil? I just don't get it. Anyways if anyone really is in the know about how to get over something like this I would really like to hear about it. What I really don't want to hear are things like "just don't think about her" or pat answers like that. I will appreciate any help.

It's tricky fo sho

It seems that a lot of the discussion lately (for good reasons) is about compassion/love vs the need for boundaries, whether its letting a child or a partner manipulate you. I think this line can be tricky sometimes. One thing I started to contemplate yesterday in regard to this is about how we feel about ourselves, and how that relates to our boundaries and to what we perceive as appropriate compassion....

One of the main practices I have been doing lately (after my horrible break up) is the Inner Smile Meditation. I think it has been helping me a lot on an emotional level. I was interested to hear about other people's experiences with this meditation.

Powers might exist, but power corrupts... :-/

Yea that video was very interesting. Something I have noticed from this post, and the replies to this post, also ties into the relationship dynamic I had with my ex. I have found some of the answers and responses to be good, wise, kind, and compassionate. I have also found a lot of the replies here to be very ignorant and non-compassionate. How does this tie into my past relationship? It was primarily compassion that kept me tied to her as long as I was. I would like to make it clear that I had dated people before her, and I would not put up with people's crap, so I'm not a push over. My ex had suffered numerous traumas in her past. First during an incident she would freak out at me, and I would be thinking "this is bullshit, I'm out of here", and start packing my bags to leave, and would tell her she was acting nuts. Then when she saw I was about to head out cause she was going koo koo for coo coo puffs, she was then threaten to kill herself. So I would be like "oh shit" and talk her out of killing herself before I left. Then she would start crying and tell me that she needed me... blah blah blah, and yes I know she was manipulating me, but right or wrong I couldn't help but feel a great deal of compassion for her as shes weeping and sobbing and telling me how bad her trauma hurt her, and how much she needed me ect. Now I know this is a classic symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, but I only learned about this disorder after we broke up, so no I did not go into this relationship knowing she had this disorder, no I am not a masochist. So I think statements that say I wanted these problems, or that I was a pussy for putting up with her, or that people think I deserved all of these are very ignorant and very non-compassionate statements. And believe me, after being with her, I am now very good at recognizing ignorance and non-compassion. When someone is going through a rough patch in life you don't say "oh you deserve it" or "you really wanted it", no you have compassion and say things like "oh I'm sorry your hurting, I hope you feel better". I mean come on we can learn all this stuff, but if we don't learn basic compassion 101 then what is the point of learning all these other things. So I'd like to clarify, no I don't want her back, nor am I hoping she will come back to me. Yes I do realize that there is something about me that was drawn to her, and stayed with her, and yes I do realize that, that part of me is not healthy, and with that realization yes I am working on doing something about it... just saying.

This answer seems to make more sense than any so far. I have been pondering this explanation quite a bit lately.

I thought I would clarify a few things, and give some feed back... I have tried the cord cutting thing a little. I hated the abuse, it sucked. She's breathing all she wants know as we don't even speak to each other. Before when we were together she would freak out if I was not around her all the time. What is EFT Matrix Re-imprinting? If it helped you that much I would be interested in knowing more about it. I'm not worried about meeting women, just trying to get over this one. To Turtle Shell thanks for your advice and input. I have been thinking about seeing a councilor and prolly will do it here soon. ;-) To Boy, actually I am very much into psych and the mind, I just use those other tools to help with it. I don't keep trying to be there for her now. What I was saying is when I did try to be there for her, I got no credit for it. The fear of your partner "not being there" is a classic Borderline Personality Disorder symptom (see I am into psych), which is what I'm convinced she is.

I thought I'd share what I've been up to this week. I have now been working on my Lungs, as the Lungs deal with grief, sadness, sorrow, loss, ect... During my meditations I had become aware that an additional aspect to feeling lonely was the issue of wanting comfort from internal grief, sorrow, and sadness. Grief and the Lungs are metal; the heart, love, and intimacy are fire; fire controls metal. I think based on this that a lot of loneliness and the desire to find someone out of a motivation of loneliness is wanting fire to control metal. Wanting someone's love, affection, kindness, and the like to subdue our own feelings of sadness, lack, loss, and grief. The problem with using this external method is that since the medicine to our problem is coming from an outside source, this makes us needy, and dependent upon the person who is giving it. Any relationship that us based upon a foundation of lack and need is doomed. Better is to resolve this imbalance with in first, and then when we meet someone it will not be based upon lack, or need, but can be built upon a good foundation where one is already feeling pretty good within. ;-)

I just thought I'd second that ;-)

Adding to this, this past week I have been working a lot on my Liver using the inner smile, and I found a lot of stuff there. It would seem that in the past my understanding of the Liver apparently was simplistic. I knew the emotion of the Liver was anger, and its virtue was kindness. What I did not realize was that a lot of the feelings of loneliness I think I have felt were Liver based. What I mean is I was lonely because by myself my Liver lacked kindness for myself, so therefore I wanted to find kindness from the outside (as in from another person). I'm not saying that every person who feels lonely, or even every time I've felt lonely its because of this reason, but I definitely see how this aspect played a large role. Another emotion of the Liver is depression (anger directed inward) and so another thing I think I've wanted is someone to make me not feel depressed, when in reality the problem was an internal one. I have to admit that in the midst of working on my Liver, its not a very pleasant process because its dredging up a lot of uncomfortable feelings, but on the other hand I feel less compulsion to have to be around someone to not feel lonely or down. I think someone asked where to learn the inner smile, I learned it from Master Chia http://www.universal-tao.com/article/smile.html Hope this is helpful, I'm still in the midst of this.

I've had some unusual experiences with the inner smile lately. Last week I used the inner smile to work on my Liver. The next day I was very tired, and had this weird cold sweat and felt cold and hot at the same time. Then yesterday at noon I used the inner smile for my Liver again and had the same reaction later that day and evening. I'm wondering if this is just a detox reaction?

I agree, I like that test too :-)

This post got my attention because loneliness is also something I have been dealing with a lot lately as well, especially after my break-up. I'll have to say some of the advice here has been pretty good, and a lot of it seems pretty bad... at least from the perspective of someone who is also dealing with loneliness. Here is what I have noticed from my own experience so far. I had been feeling pretty lonely so I decided to get out and spend some time with friends. Once I got out there with friends I would notice that I still felt lonely. So I realized that the loneliness was not based upon being around people. I also noticed at times when I was by myself I would feel at peace and content. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we don't need people, because as human being we are social creatures. I did like RV and OldGreen's input about going with in and finding out what makes one feel lonely, and using inner techniques to do something about it. I have noticed that doing the inner smile has helped quite a bit, though not completely. Since it helped up to a point, but I could feel that there was something more going on, I decided to dig deeper. This has led me to working with the sacral chakra. It makes sense as the sacral chakra is about being social, connecting with others, and happiness. When one is lonely they are not feeling connected to others, and its is not a happy feeling at all. While I am still working on this, all I can say is that while I still have moments, things seem to be steadily improving. Here is the technique I am using to work with my sacral chakra http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/open.php I am also using a sacral chakra crystal elixir that I make myself. Also the inner smile is useful as well, as the heart deals with interaction with others, the lungs with grief and sorrow, and the spleen about being centered. All of which are important when dealing with loneliness. Hope that helps.

Interesting you mention that, as just yesterday I was talking to one of my Shamanic friends, who said something along the same lines. ;-)

I am?!

I hope this is not too off topic, but I had just posted in another thread about retention about how I have noticed that if I go a few days with out release that I tend to feel desire in my heart as opposed to lower down. This baffles me. If I go more than a few days, I start to get palpitations, nervousness in my chest, and sometimes even difficult to breath, and I don't know why. When I do release the greatest feeling of relief and please is in my chest as opposed to lower down. When I was younger it was not this way, so I don't understand why its this way now. What does the heart have to do with this?

I've actually noticed lately that I stink to myself when I meditate :-/

I've lately been pondering a lot how karma, love and money all affect each other and/or are affected by each other. Also if your love or money karma is bad, what would be good ways to improve it?

I believe one thing that will help with this problem is working on the root chakra, and the spleen. Both are related to the earth element, so they related to being grounded, comfortable, natural, centered, ect... I say this because I have been working on this lately myself for much of the same reasons as stated in the original post. I had started focusing on my root chakra a few weeks ago after having gone through a very rough break up. One of the hard things about going through the break up was feeling very lonely. Working with my root chakra seemed to help. Then I switched and began to work on first my heart and then my solar plexus chakra. Doing that made me feel very bad, sad, anxious, ect.. So I returned to my root chakra and I almost instantly felt a great amount of relief. During this time I had also been working on my various organs, but came to the observation that if you don't work on the right/appropriate chakra you can work on the organs all you want, but you don't make a lot of progress. So it would seem to me at least that the chakra's operate on a deeper level than the organs, and can help keep them in balance or throw them out of balance.

I suppose for one to give money to charity, one must have money to give, which begs the question of money karma in the first place lol.

One topic I have been pondering a lot, and don't seem to understand is the concept of money from a "big picture" perspective. Assuming we are on the earth to work out karma and learn spiritual lessons and what not, then how does money play into it all? Another thing I don't understand is why it is that I never seem to have any lol. I realize this topic is rather broad, but I would be interested in hearing perspectives about money.

Thanks for all the interesting responses. I guess one question I have that probably is impossible to answer, but I'll ask it anyways. Why is it a necessity to have and acquire material things to survive? as opposed to the spirit world where such things don't seem to be necessary? What is the reason for it??

I am wanting to know more about what exactly co-dependence really is, and is not??