Audiohealing

Experiencing some massive revelations today, moving forward in healing. Reading about the role of the Large Intestine in letting things go... definitely spot on.

Sorry for all the threads but I decided to make a new one in case someone else might benefit from it, since it does, I suppose, apply to many of us. If this is one too many or in the wrong section, mods please feel free to move/delete at your discretion. It is not my intention to spam or annoy. My question is how does one heal from a trauma? Say one is able to trace it back to an exact event, and even point out all the emotional/psychological/spiritual repercussions it had on one's life in the wake of it. Say one is also able to consciously relive that trauma, though fairly unpleasant, visualize it, feel what it felt like and what happened. Well then, how do you then let go of the consequences of it? The guilt, shame, regret, sadness, fear, anxiety in the years following? The consequences of which, printed into your personality. How do you heal that? In other words, if you don't really have a major problem reliving it consciously, how can you get rid of the subconscious aversion and fear mechanisms that are associated with it?

I can, yes, I can recall genuine love. I have it in me, but it is attached to something much stronger than it, that goes "nope, watch this", and then unleashes anger, or fear, that drowns out the love, making it fleeting, just like my life. Fleeting moments of love, but not void of it, certainly not. I am not a monster, far from it. I am human, with the best of intentions, fighting against my own self. Self-destructing, but seeking to climb out. Perhaps one day, far off... I will climb out of it, but will I still be "me"? What is "me", anyway? I thought I knew, I don't anymore- not even close. What is "I" is a lie. Stacks of lies, and more lies to justify those lies, living various states of those, but I cannot tap into my true self... but perhaps now that I know those lies are just lies- they're not real, I stand a chance. It's a constant struggle, and because I can't go in, I can only escape.

In any case, I know that my life, and what I am going through right now, is exactly where it is at, and where it should be. There are no mistakes. I know that I need to experience everything, all of this, to understand things about myself, to go on, whatever "go on" means. I don't know right now, it's hard for me to see ahead even one minute because I am in entropy. I feel like a black hole, compulsively sucking in pain. It reminds me I'm alive. Where is the liberation? I only crave to go completely unconscious and no longer exist- I am being totally honest here. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, or at least wake up in a new existence, a new "normal" me, with no memory of this nightmare I am living. I have made many positive realizations about myself in the last few days, positive in the sense that I now realize things about me I was ignoring before, but that only adds on to the pain, and makes the ego resist even more, so I am simultaneously alternating between cycles of revelations about me, and escaping myself- simply due to the fact that I have to survive in this world. When I go out and interact with people, if I just asked my "true self" to shine, I would not even talk. I would walk around like a vegetable. The only way I am able to communicate is by energizing my ego, and putting on some kind of display to seem half normal. I'm already comatose on the inside, completely void and empty. I just want to know where to go from here to become a normal, loving human being. I want to heal so bad- and I've been trying for so long without avail. But again I remind myself, this is where I am, this is where I need to be. Gotta keep breathing, gotta keep going.. keep on going...

Guys, plz help. For reference, I wrote the original post. I am sinking lower, and lower, and lower. My ego has such tremendous strength, and it has insidiously invaded almost every part of my consciousness. I am going through another very intense rend of the Dark Night of the Soul right now, and although I can CLEARLY see there is something to be gained from it, now, I don't seem to have the capacity to enter or exit my self-created trap! Every step I try to take in a positive direction just pulls me down lower. I realized I have lived a lie for most of my life, not willingly mind you, but perhaps due to karma, compulsively trapping myself deeper and deeper into a false identity. From never having had a center, I have just scattered myself multi-directionally, almost never comitting to anything, never following through, just experiencing bits and pieces of satisfaction in either doing nothing or pleasure-seeking, thinking I was living correctly. Lie, after lie, after lie. When I tried to "wise up" and get myself together, that all just got more sophisticated, especially when I got into spirituality, boy did that tangle things up- The crazy thing was that I thought at one point, and still periodically do, that I have already ascended, and waiting for everyone else to come along. That everyone is so slow, and dumb, and are wasting their time with trivial affairs in the material world. That they're definitely not as enlightened as myself. It happens completely unconsciously, I think it's when my ego recharges itself, it just takes over. I would not be able to write this kind of (honest and humiliating) post about myself in that sort of state, I would simply state that everything is fine, and that I am probably ahead of everyone else on the ascension scale. I would have zero capacity to be honest with myself. The scary thing is that unless I do something about it now, it will probably happen again, probably in a few months time. I would be reading this post, and I would just see it as a "bad phase" in my life, knowing perfectly well it will come back. I would be on "high", and that high would see me through, more wreckless behavior, blissfull self-escapism, thinking I've finally "got it", whatever the hell it is. So insidious, it would disguise itself as love... well maybe some of it is.. Unless.. unless I do something about it. Unless I just finally figure out what is the trauma, where is it coming from... but I can't find it. I can meditate for hours, and still not find anything. Just various thinking mechanisms, compulsive trains of thought that do not allow to get to the heart of the matter. Right now, no matter how hard I try, I do not seem to find any capacity to love or have empathy inside of myself, for myself, or anyone. Perhaps it is worse than before, due to accumulated trauma and damaging my energy body over the years, as I do recall having the capacity for the feeling before, but not anymore. I'm not sure if what I felt was even love, or just euphoric power structures disguising itself as love. I can sit and dig and search inside of myself for hours on end in meditation to find what once was, but it's not there. Screaming at myself to find it. LOOK, I'm willing to embrace my dark side, my shadow self. Here I am! Have at it!!! But alas... nothing. Just more insidious thinking, thought after thought, about not finding anything, and why it's all doomed to failure. Like an automatic body mechanism. It's incredibly visceral, too. I feel it in my solar plexus- it tightens up so bad that I cringe and have trouble breathing. I can actually feel the tightness and cramping "crawl" around my body. There is only various degrees of fear, anger and sadness. That's all I feel. What propels me to keep going is some kind of feeling that I can't identify, which is similar to drinking coffee or taking amphetamines. That's my ONLY reference point right now. I seem absolutely unable to relate to anyone or anything- it is literally one of the most terrifying realizations I've ever had in my life. Fightning it only makes it resist and feeds it! I feel like the only way out at this point is for my ego to somehow completely shatter to reveal what's underneath, if there's anything left, but I don't see how that could happen. So far as I see it, it's just going to disguise itself time and time again, and lay over justification after justification about how things are and why they are this way. It just seems there is nothing to "grasp" or any kind of reference in order to start doing anything about it- I feel completely, utterly helpless and broken, and although my sense of self shifts periodically through the years, and there are times when I feel good, the good times are only when my ego is energized enough to persue more energy for itself. I have noticed people feel drained and tired, and literally look sick after interacting with me- something I've noticed time and time again, especially in the last year or so, and it terrifies me, because I absolutely do not want this, AT ALL. It happens even when I deliberately try to do good, and care, and listen, and empathize, and contribute. I am doubting my own sincerity behind my good actions, and part of me is laughing at myself thinking there is any possibility for genuine love in me. It's absolutely terrifying. I know killing myself is not the way out, and I have to somehow manoeuver myself into a sense of self-acceptance and self-love, at the very least, but I just don't see my case resolving itself. Not that I'm being pessimistic, but I literally cannot "sense" the solution, that is, how it would be or what it would look like, or any of that. I can only recall a vague feeling, very vague, but it is buried in pain. I honestly feel like I deserve to be on some kind of leper colony island for people devoid of love. I can't recall if I was born broken, or if it was my upbringing, or some kind of head injury (I have had several), but I realize that everything my soul stands for (ascension, unconditional love, embracing each other through non-judgement), what I thought "I" stood for, prior to falling into this recent Dark Night of the Soul, is everything my body and mind stand against, viscerally, automatically, and I believe it would rather kill me than show me a way out. I am completely and utterly lost and I feel I am running out of time, as the incredible stress is dwinling my health away day by day, repeating the same karmic cycle over and over. I see people on their way to ascension now, sincerely loving each other, but not me, and I am scrambling, feeling like I'm not going to make it. That's OK, I guess, perhaps not this round, but how can I accept it? The insidious thing is that my body (ego) feels it's more important for ME to ascend, then to actually find a way to love in order to ascend. It's like I can't even explain it. It's always all about ME.. but I can't turn it off!!! I feel my last resort is simply a complete acceptance for who I am, and what I will probably have to live with for the rest of my life, but that very thought itself is ripping me apart- it's like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. My ego seems to have gained too much strength, and imbued in me too far, I fear I am losing the very CAPACITY to even find or work on a way out. Help! Please! I want to change! I want to feel and love!!! And yet people may read this and go "ew, what a horrible person, I don't want to give HIM any advice"! But I say to that, please, I swear there is something real and genuine in me, and if that part of me could genuinely thank you and pay you back it would, but it's too small, it's voice is buried, but it's still crying out for help..

I think just being alive is the greatest success imaginable. Everything else is just a concept, an idea.