Aaron

Hello Tulku, Every time I read one of your posts Tulku I see a little more anger and bitterness, a dissatisfaction with your own life that you wish to push on others. You seem to relish in suffering, but let me be yet another insignificant man to tell you that depriving yourself is not the key, anyone who has reached a degree of awareness can tell you that, rather knowing when you've had enough is. I will not argue with you about this, because I know it's true, so arguing about it is pointless. You will either learn this lesson or suffer a very unsatisfying life. Please quit trying to convince people that you're stating facts. You are not good, nor is what you say good, nor is it bad, it just isn't natural, and hence will only lead you to hardship. Stop believing and start listening and maybe you'll get some real enlightenment. Aaron

Hello Marblehead, If one has choices, that doesn't mean he is free, only that he has choices. The fact that we all die (our physical being) is the first answer to this question. Every time we encounter an action there are choices to make, but there aren't infinite choices, rather limited choices. The fact that choices are limited means that there is not real freedom involved. Now if one is fixated on the notion of freedom bringing them control over their lives, then this may seem frightening, but if one instead understands that there are limited choices and the important thing is to make the right choices, then freedom becomes an outdated concept and instead they begin to see the beauty that exists within the nature of things. Aaron

Dear dear Mrs V, What a great question, perhaps the best one I've seen in a long time. I sense that you desire a genuine answer, so I will force myself not to give you the answer that makes you happy, but the answer I think is truthful. First consciousness does not exist without the body, but that in no way means that the soul-heartmind-whatever you want to call it, doesn't carry on. Everything that exists comes from a source, even ourselves, we are merely the creation of this source. Our time on this earth is temporary, at least in the sense of being us. The idea that death is the end is ludicrous though, because the whole notion that we are individuals is ludicrous. We are simply the universe. So as you exist, so do I. As Marblehead exists, so do I. As the rocks on the ground exist, so do I. As the source exists, so do I. Will I continue to exist after I am dead and gone? No. I will cease to be "I", but does that mean I cease to be? Not in the least, because so long as their is a source-void-quantum consciousness-or whatever you want to call it, that does exist, we exist as well. This notion that we do not exist comes from the experience many have when they reach this state of consciousness, the lack of thought and emotion tends to trick us into believing that what we experience isn't really there, but it is, it's just that it's the part of us that we realize without going deeper. Once we do go deeper, we understand that there is something more to it all and in finding this, we can finally find peace. I have no fear of death, even if that means the "I" I have grown to believe I am ceases to exist, because I know even with the death of Universe what created this universe and me will continue to exist. And I know that the only reason I see you as being you and me as being me is because I don't understand that in the end we are all just separate parts to one thing. Being a part doesn't mean you are not that thing, unless you to choose to see yourself as separate, even then, it's only your perception of what you are, it doesn't change what you really are. Good luck in finding your answer, but my advice is not to worry so much. Sit and meditate. Don't listen to what the Buddhists say or the Christians say or even the scientists, and instead look within yourself to find the answer. The answer is there and I guarantee that if you look you can find it. If after looking your answer is different than mine, then all the better that you chose to look. Aaron

Freedom doesn't exist. It's an abstract concept meant to allow us some degree of safety and hope. The reality is that choices have nothing to do with freedom. So long as you search for freedom you will find no peace. Give yourself over to what really is and isn't and you will find peace. Aaron

I'm typing on my iPod, so forgive the typos. A couple things, first the chair is not bad, only broken. Second, the ego, as I am led to believe by most buddhists, derives from the experiences of the senses, hence if one sees the world as unreal them it makes sense that th mechanism we use to experience it would be unreal as well. My opinion? I'm glad you asked. Everything is impermanent. This should not be confused with real or unreal. When one says this is all an illusion, they need to remember that is only how they choose to view it, or perhaps define their own experiences. In the end until you prove this, you will only be talking out your ass. I have yet to see anyone do this, but if they do, I will be the first to jump on the bandwagon. Aaron

The parent loving the child is just one example of what you might call unconditional love. Keep in mind there are some horrible mothers out there as well, so even if we may be biologically inclined to care for our child, it doesn't mean that everyone will. As an aside, one thing I'm finding is that unconditional love is not as important as caring for someone dispassionately. Without an emotional attachment it is much easier to make the right decision for that person. That's not knocking unconditional love, in fact I encourage people to aspire to it, the point is that if you do not have unconditional love for everyone, then it is completely conditional, the condition being that one person. Aaron

I'll eat it. I eat meat, why not meat grown in labs? Since man can create it, it is unnatural? That's a very close minded approach to this line of thought. Think of it as gardening flesh. Is gardening wrong? No. Then why would gardening flesh be wrong if it is not bad for you, other than your conditioned moral response telling you it is so? (Only God/Tao/Allah/Shiva creates meat, not man!) I think that, even if we do grow to accept it, it is only a temporary fix, if we do not start to think about population growth and controlling that growth, then anything we do will eventually have little effect. China is actually doing the most to curb this problem, but no one gives them credit for it, rather it is seen as very inhuman. Aaron

One thing I've realized is that my true nature is always there, regardless of what I do. If I feel that I am somehow not "real" or that what I am feeling is "unreal" it is because I choose to feel that. This may be caused by my inability to accept the feeling, or a preconceived notion of what is acceptable and unacceptable. The key to finding acceptance is understanding that all physical things are transient states, that the only eternal is what forms these things. These physical things, although they appear to be cut off from the eternal, are never cut off from it and all things eventually return to it, to be reformed. It is from this reformation that is eternal. The me that comes afterwards may not be a "me" at all, it may very well be a rock or drop of water, but it will still be me. That is the beauty of it, accepting that even if the universe is transient, there is something eternal, and from that we will continue, even if it's not in the form we've been taught to desire and want. Acceptance for me is knowing that so long as the eternal exists, I exist as well. So now that I have come back I look at my experience and understand what really happened was that my awareness of myself has expanded, that I am not here and I am here, that the world is not an illusion, but rather the transient state that we exist in. Aaron

I am reticent to enter this thread, but I thought I might share some of my reflections on this topic. First, from a Taoist viewpoint, moderation is suggested. John C. H. Wu refers to it as frugality, one of the three jewels. The fact of the matter is that many people seem to want to take this concept to extremes, as well as out of context. Frugality doesn't mean to deprive one's self, but rather to be moderate, not to over indulge. Frugality has practical applications as well, in that it allows one to interact with minimal interference in their fellow man's lives. One should not misinterpret this as abstinence or stoicism though, since that is not it at all. And now I will share how I view this topic. If one has a desire and carrying out that desire harms no one, including themselves, then not carrying out that desire is harm in itself, because it causes the person to suffer. Do what you want, so long as you and no one else suffers. Be aware of your actions and the effects they have on others. Do not say one thing is good and another bad simply because someone says it is good or bad, but rather examine the action and judge for yourself. If one can view their actions for what they really are, then their desires will be diminished and they will not suffer as a result. Until that time, do not restrict yourself, simply because others tell you to. Enjoy life as much as you can, especially if you are suffering. If you are on the right path, there will be a time when you will cease to do things simply because you desire to and instead do them because they are what needs to be done. One should strive not to be a burden to others or themselves. Aaron

Hello Lotus, The most noble thing anyone can do is to endeavor to know themselves, but that is not always a pleasant experience. Silencing the mind is only part of it, in fact before I could learn to quiet my mind I first had to be conscious of the noise inside, to address it and accept it, then I was able to let those things go and find quiet. Even now I feel quiet, it lies beneath the surface, even when I have thoughts. I think that when one is searching for their true self they should remember that ideology, methodology, and even the advice of others, although helpful, can also be a hindrance. As Gold and others have stated over and over, these things can often lead us to discoveries, but in our bias we misunderstand or interpret them according to what we believe they should be and in the end miss the true essence of these experiences. I will tell you what I do to quiet my mind. I sit in a quiet place and close my eyes. I breath as naturally as I can, so that my breath doesn't distract me. (Keep in mind if you're just starting and are having problems it is often wise to focus on your breath, in order to help you quiet your mind, but in focusing on your breath, you will not be able to reach complete quiet, so this is only an exercise that once achieved, must also be given up.) If a thought arises, do not struggle with it, rather address it and let it go, the more you struggle the harder it is to be rid of it. You will not achieve this immediately, although some achieve the state of complete quiet faster than others, for me it took me about three months before I could reach sporadic states of quiet. The other thing to keep in mind is that quieting the mind has nothing to do with learning your true nature, it is just a tool that allows you to understand it easier. In achieving a quiet mind you become more aware of the thoughts that do arise, even outside of meditation, thoughts you might have taken for granted at other times. Once you reach a state of complete quiet then you must begin to address thoughts and emotions and see them for what they are and ultimately learn where they come from. This is harder to do than achieving quiet mind, because you have to go against everything you have trained yourself to do, to let go and become quiet, and instead become focused to an extreme degree so that you are not distracted and can find those thoughts. Many people, I believe, are mistaken about the source of thought, because when they reach a state of light, or quiet, they find thoughts to be absent, and assume that this is where thoughts arise from, but in my own personal experience I realize now that, although the light encompasses everything, and it is perhaps the void that creates everything, thoughts do not arise from it, but from someplace else entirely. If you truly want to follow your thoughts to this place, be wary, because it is not peaceful or serene and you will struggle with the darkest parts of you that you might wish to deny exists, but ultimately, if you have the courage to pursue this practice you will find a more complete picture of the you that you have become and the you that you were before you were born. I wish you well on your journey. Listen to others, but do not let them tell you the "truth", if you are successful in your journey, you will find the truth on your own. Aaron

Hello Rainbow Vein, No, not a mirroring, simply something that occurred. If I choose to see it as a mirroring then it is, if I choose not to, then it isn't. The same goes for you. In the end there is only the action that occurred, finding significance in it changes nothing about it, it merely adds an importance to it that doesn't matter, unless we choose to make it matter. Aaron

Edited- Nothing I say will explain it the way it should, so it's best not to say anything. I've found something else and that's all I can say. Aaron

That's funny that you say this, because right now I feel a bit of hope in regards to my personal journey. Funny how it took a conversation on light to cause me to return to something I had abandoned and upon finding it again, finding so much more than I did before. Perhaps it is hope in finding more than what I thought I had found. My face before I was born was nothing before, but I sense now that my face was much more than that, and in finding this I have hope that I may unravel that which was tied so tightly before. It is like the knots are loosening, but the more I grasp at it, the tighter it becomes, it is only when I reach out gently that it loosens and I find myself wrapped up, not in twine, but raw energy, emotions. It is an amazing thing, yet it is hard sometimes to see it as such, since it seems like I am looking at it through a window. Perhaps my hope is that by unraveling the knots the window will become loosened and I can finally open that window, reach out and feel all of this rather than just observe it and sense the rumbling through the other side. Aaron

Hello VMarco, I got upset today, so apparently my ability to stay calm isn't without it's limits. I dropped my glasses on the ground and a hand truck rolled over them and scratched both lenses to the point that they can't be seen out of anymore. Being out of steady work, I don't know how long before I can buy a new pair, so for the time being I am seeing a very fuzzy world. Luckily I'm far sighted, so I can see monitors and such fine, but it's still annoying to look at a tree and only see a blob. To be completely honest, this would've been bothersome to me for a much greater period of time than it has been, so if nothing else I am finding peace easier. I can understand what you are saying about going back to the light, there is that desire, but I don't think we are intended to stay there, rather we glimpse it and move on. As I said I rarely tried actively to pursue that state and I think I will not attempt to anymore, having a sense of it already and holding on to that sense is enough. It's still there though and the fact that I notice it causes my perception of the world to change. It's like knowing there is an ocean beneath your feet, feeling it move, but not seeing it clearly, just feeling it. I am reticent to explore the void from which emotions come, because that place seems much different, it seems like a turbulent place. When I approach it in my mind I think of wind rushing forth, but it is not wind, it is raw emotion washing over me, anger, lust, happiness, peace, and a multitude of other emotions. From this place I sense no light, but perhaps it is only because I have not reached it yet. Perhaps it is much like a hurricane and only when I reach the center will I sense the true nature of it. I'm sure for many this is hard to believe, but if anyone is curious, I will say it is well worth the effort if one decides to pursue it. I also don't think it would take twenty years for another to find it, only a short time if they know what they're looking for. Thank you for your reply. Aaron edit- Also if it seems I am unhappy or that this is disturbing, that's not true, in fact I am finding more peace each day. The truth is that I see happiness as something else now, not an illusion per se, but rather a motion of the mind that can cause you to lose perspective. It is not unlike pain, only it is pleasurable so it's easy to ignore this aspect of it. I think I am fine with finding a balance between the two, in fact I think that balance is also the key to reaching further, to finding the place from whence emotions come.

I believe more and more each day that true wisdom does not involve thinking, but experiencing the world as it is and understand what it isn't. Thoughts arise, but where do they arise from? Emotions arise, but where do they arise from? If we cannot answer these questions, then what worth is the wisdom that arises from them, it is like saying that gold has value, without knowing what it can be used for. Aaron

Hello folks, I've delayed posting to this thread because I was experimenting with the phenomena of light during meditation. For the last week I have spent time in "empty mind" meditation to reach the state of light I've already talked about and I wanted to share my findings. Before now I have only rarely chosen to experience the state of light since it can be somewhat uncomfortable in an emotional sense. To be void of emotions is a strange experience, one that is not easy to explain, so I wont try and I'll leave that as the explanation. If one does not experience it, I don't think one can ever adequately understand the experience through explanation, because every explanation falls short. What I find is that the light is consistent, but it is not like light that you see. It is white, but it is not clear and brilliant at all, though when you experience it the first few times it may appear to be, instead it is as if a film is covering it, like it is smoky for lack of a better explanation. When you are bathed in or become this light, your emotions drain away, and instead there is nothing. Your thoughts appear to be distant as if they are calling out to you from the end of a valley, just echoes. I've experienced this state more in the last week than I have in the last twenty years since I first experienced it. I'm not sure how it's changed me, but what I can tell you is that I know it is there now, even as I move through crowds I can feel it, still underneath the surface, my thoughts flow over it like oil on water. I can experience it even without sensing it through thought-sight. It has greatly increased my ability to find peace, even in turmoil, but it has also lessened the degree of pleasure I find in doing things, perhaps because things don't seem quite as important anymore. The connections I feel to others is different as well, I view people less passionately. My notions of love are changing as well, even though I sense that love is the key to it all, I also understand that true love is not passionate, but an even action that is the result of a greater impulse, rather than an emotional impulse. I am not a robot mind you, devoid of emotion, I still have emotions, but as I said, when I feel emotions now it is as if I am observing the emotions. I used to describe this before, but the experience I have now is infinitely different from what I described, because I sense that the emotions are not me, but are arising on their own from someplace else. Perhaps my next step is to find out where they arise from, but honestly it seems as if they arise from a void of their own, the response to my interactions with the world, what this void might be is the important question. Perhaps our human emotions are coming from something completely different. One being the yin, the other being the yang? I can understand the idea that people cannot see light, because when I look through my eyes what I see is different, it is only when I see with my heart, my mind, my soul-self, that I see light, at least what I describe as light. Perhaps it would be better to call it something else, since what people perceive as light seems so much different. That's the end of it, I don't know what else to say. With love, Aaron

Hello Tulku, You cannot kill your ego. You do not know the you that existed before you were you or you would realize this. I believe your fixation with death comes from an uncertainty about your own life. Do not seek purpose in life, there is no purpose in life other than to survive. When you awaken to this, you will feel quite free, but then you will begin to live your life as you lived before. You will wash your dishes, take out your trash, mow your lawn, and wave to the neighbors as they pass by, you will only be doing this knowing that there is more to the trash and dishes and lawn, and even your neighbors, than you knew before. Kill your ego and you will find peace, but you will no longer be you. You do not kill your ego, you transcend your ego, you see what you were before you were you. You are caught in the notion that you are bad, but you are neither good nor bad, your desires are neither good nor bad, you are simply you. Start being you and stop worrying about whether you are worrying and you cease to worry. I have tried to tell you this, but it will mean nothing so long as you believe what you believe. Stop believing and start being and you will see that the greatest thing one can do for another is to understand your relationship to everything and in understanding this relationship, allow compassion to blossom. Once it has blossomed it will never whither, but rather bloom with a consistent light that will shine through all the darkness. Remember that in the darkness, it is best to seek whatever light you can find, but the only reason that you fear the darkness is because you are dependent on your sight. Listen, smell, taste and feel the world around you and you will begin to appreciate the world again, then you can find comfort even in the darkest of rooms. Aaron

I'm a little disappointing so many people are taking such great pleasure in the suffering of others. I find consistently that those who relish other's misery, do so because they feel misery themselves and knowing someone else might be suffering helps to ease their own suffering a little. This may be true, but it is sad, because when someone else suffers, so do you, even if you might not realize it. Aaron

Hello Tulku, When you say, "This is why I say the masses" you are separating yourself from the masses, propping yourself up as someone special who transcends the masses. You are the masses. If the masses are afraid of death, so are you. If you reach a state of awareness you will understand that fear is a natural emotion, one that protects us from harm. If you meet a tiger in the woods, it is wise to be afraid, but not to let that fear overwhelm you, but rather to be calm in the face of fear. People are afraid of death because they don't know what happens after they die. It is wise to be afraid of death, but not to let that fear overwhelm you. Many people seek salvation from death and in seeking salvation turn to whatever "truth" is most comfortable to them. For me death is the end of "me", but not the end of ME. I am the entirety of the universe, I am the alpha and the omega, I am dead and alive, and will never quite be alive or dead, but rather just be. Life and death are just definitions of states, the state of being does not cease to be just because my breath is gone and I no longer am "me", because I continue on so long as the universe continues on. To define life as those things that can think and feel and reason is a lie. The rocks are alive, light is alive, the galaxy breathes each day and dies each day to be born again. Stop telling others what to thing or how to behave and start to behave as you think you should and you will cease to worry about these things and find peace for yourself. The creator does not care about you, nor me, it only brings us to being because we are meant to be, not because we are any more special than the rock on the ground or the pile of shit on the pavement. If we want to believe we are simply to ease our conscience, then that is fine, but it doesn't change any of these things. When you realize that you are the creator, then you will begin to stop seeking the creator's approval and begin to really understand what you are searching for. With love, Aaron

The Buddhist forums I go to, you wouldn't get away with half the shabanza (I made that word up) that you get away with here. In fact most do seem more concerned with practice than with semantics and debate. In fact you can't even ask questions or make comments about another's practice if memory serves me. You worry about yourself, not about others, for lack of a better explanation. Of course those are Zen forums, so that may be why, who knows what goes on at those other Buddhist sites. Aaron

I had lunch with a muslim today. I guess if you let the media define what a muslim is, then that's what you're going to believe a muslim is. My muslim grocer's credit card machine was down last week, rather than tell me, "cash only", he said, "you can come back tomorrow and pay me" and let me leave with the groceries I was buying. The world would be a much better place if we judged individuals for their actions, rather than label an entire culture of hundreds of millions of people for the actions of a few thousand zealots. Aaron

Hello VMarco, I want to say that I am very happy to see you back. I believe that every moment has potential and that understanding that potential involves understanding that the past does not write the future, but rather our actions do. In many ways I fail at being the person I'd like to be, so sometimes I have to accept the person I am. I can be mean, spiteful, arrogant, and even thick headed, that's who I am, but I would like to be a compassionate person, who is able to allow people to be who they are, and still be who I am. I think you strive for the same thing, even if many people might not see it. I do understand what you mean by compassion and I agree with 98% of what you say, so my view is why let the 2% prevent us from learning from each other. I'm sure you have much to share and I look forward to our future together on this forum. I make this promise to you, that I hope I do not break, that I will respect your beliefs and understand that you have them for reasons, even if I don't understand those reasons. I will endeavor to listen to what you say and to try to understand not only what you're saying, but why you are saying it. In doing this I hope we can have compassionate discourse, that may be lively, but never resort to insults. So long as we respect the right of each other to say and believe what we believe, even if we don't necessarily agree with what we both believe, I do think this is possible. You don't have to do this and I wouldn't ask you to. If anything our discourse has brought about a melancholy state within me, because, as others have stated, much of what pricked my ego about you, were those parts of me I refused to admit existed. Each day we can become more than what we are and in becoming more, realize that there is nothing more to us than what exists already. I would also like to define my idea of "with love", in that, as you stated elsewhere people often project love, not out of a sense of love, but rather out of a sense of rightness. Love is neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, but rather the binding force that exists within us all, the light of the soul perhaps? For me I try to love everyone because I understand that, regardless of what someone does, we are all equally deserving of compassion. (By the way Love is just a fancy way of saying compassion, perhaps my Western notions lead me to use that term instead of compassion.) Anyways, welcome back. Aaron

Hello folks, Recently I have started writing a book on "Original Nature" or how man is intended to be. The crux of this book is founded on the principle of love, not necessarily love as we're taught to see love, but rather love as it is expressed naturally within each of us. I wanted to take the time to talk about this topic, because I think it's one of the most misunderstood principles within our original nature and I'd like to hear other people's insights into the topic. First let me start off by defining love as I see it. Love in its natural form is often referred to as compassion and that is perhaps the best way to describe it, but the problem arises in the sense that people can feel compassion (as they know it) for another person and not feel love, so when one thinks of love, what they often think of is an intense emotional attachment to another person, attachment in the sense that they feel connected to that person. Now this isn't necessarily a dishonest definition of love, but in my opinion it does nothing to define love in its natural form, rather it is defining the love that is changed, and perhaps a bit twisted, by society. Love, in its natural form, is not defined by society, culture, or mores, but rather by the human heart, that part of us that lives and thrives and works in mysterious ways, that perhaps shouldn't be so mysterious, but as are so many things about us, is cluttered away under so many ideas and conventions. It is at its most basic level a sense of connection with all things, inanimate and animate. It is a connection with things sentient and non-sentient, it is an impulse that, if freed and allowed to be as its meant to be, can fill us with, not only the desire for others well being, but our own as well. Love in this sense is universal, it exists within all things, whether we know it or not. It is not simply an expression of brain matter, but an actual expression of the universe at work within and without. Some may call it God or whatever, but I think that takes away from it, because it gives it some form of intelligence and motivation that it doesn't have, because love, in its genuine and natural form is not motivated, but rather moved. It is that feeling for another that arises from deep within and drives us to do things that perhaps we wouldn't do, whether it is the man who, without thinking of his own well being, runs into a burning building to save his fellow man, or the woman who stops and gives money to the homeless man on the corner so that he can eat. Yet even these examples aren't necessarily adequate, because love is even more than that, it is bonding and connecting on such a deep level, that if it is touched and allowed to act of its own accord, it will make the bond between a mother and child look dispassionate, because this kind of love transcends physical bonds, it is as if every child was your child, and every mother was your mother. When one experiences this kind of love, then the need to express it can't be quelled, but in the same way they cannot express it in a negative way, because there is no way to express this natural love negatively, simply because it transcends mores and morality, it transcends labels and ideology, it transcends logic and reason, because to most people there is no logic or reason attached to it. If this doesn't make sense, don't feel bad, for most people it doesn't, simply because we've been taught that love is a conditioned response. An example would be my first love, some 25 years ago, when I was still a child and I felt this overwhelming attraction for a boy, a blonde haired, brown eyed boy, one year my junior, who had some quality within him that I couldn't quite understand. I wanted so much to kiss that boy and hug him, all those pure things that seem to come with juvenile infatuation (at least in those early years of pubescence), but I always feared it might ruin it, so instead I enjoyed the time that I spent with him. He was my first love in the classical sense, but what was really happening? Was it love that I was feeling, or was it something else. If this wasn't love, then what was it? Well perhaps it happened because society had taught me to seek out certain attributes in others, to find those attributes attractive? Perhaps it was a hormonal response? Perhaps though, it was real love? The fact that I had no sexual feelings for the boy, but rather a deep abiding desire to be around him, not as best friends, but something deeper, that spurred me to bond with him. In the end though, it wasn't that natural love that I am talking about, but something else, yet to describe it as anything but love wouldn't be true either. So in this sense the love that arises naturally, the unconditional love within that is a higher form of love, perhaps Te or even virtue, in the sense of higher virtue, is no less real than the love that is expressed in a deeper connection between two people and it should, in no way, devalue one or the other, but rather it should help us to understand even more clearly the nature of love as it dwells in those mysterious recesses of the human heart, because just as one develops this deep bond for another in adolescence, we also develop an even deeper bond for all of life from the first moment we can begin to think, when we are within the womb listening to the sound of our mother's heart wash over us. It is there that love begins and that love is unadulterated, it is there that we feel the connection, no the need for one to another, an intimate connection. After birth, when we realize that the world does not just consist of our mother (and for me brother) and ourselves, but rather in a whole myriad of experiences that we also have a great desire to understand the world around us. When we are young we can love anyone, regardless of color, creed, or looks. The ugly man or beautiful woman holds no sway over our heart, rather it is their expression towards us that allows us to express our own feelings towards them. Is it unconditional, even then? No. It is conditioned on how they treat us and we treat them. In the beginning love is not so much a factor in our connection to others, really, rather it is the binding need we have for others that propels us forward, so in that sense how can we say that there is even a thing such as natural love, or a binding love that connects us to all things? Well to put it simply, that potential for love is altered at its inception, by the things we are taught by others. Our potential to love everyone equally, to see all men as our fathers, all women as our mothers, and all children as our brothers, is stripped away when we begin to learn to define others as individuals that warrant degrees of love. If we were never taught this, then we would hold the same amount of love for everyone regardless, that's not conjecture mind you, there were cultures that practiced this kind of child rearing, and those cultures seemed to possess a level of compassion and sharing that mystified the westerners that happened upon them. Anyways, to get back on track, this form of love exists within us, it hasn't been wiped away, I can attest to that fact, and when one feels it, their perception of the world drastically changes. The pain and suffering caused by one to another is not mystifying, because they know where it comes from, but it is compelling on a deeply emotional level. It is hard to watch someone suffer and not do anything about it. It is hard to sit idly by while the world seems to be sinking into a deep darkness, yet at the same time there is hope, because in feeling this love they also know the potential for change that this love has, not as a mysterious energy wave to be nurtured within, but rather as an action to be expressed between one and another. It is the ability to know when to help another and when, perhaps, helping will do more harm. It is the ability to give food without thought of good or bad, but rather because it is hard to watch someone hungry. It is the ability to jump into the riptide to save a child, even knowing that you may not survive trying, simply because you see the value in that child's life, how much that child deserves to be saved. Anyways, I have a tendency to drag on and I don't want to do that now, so I will leave it here and wait for others to respond. I know many people might not agree with my ideas, but I wanted to express them anyways. I say with love, because I do have a great deal of love for all of you and I express it in this way, not with the intention of pushing my love on you, but rather letting you know it is there and it lives within me, just as you do. With love, Aaron

Hello folks, I start this thread with a heavy heart, if only because I don't want what I am telling you to be misconstrued as a truth or an absolute about the human experience, but rather as my own experience. My experience differs from your experience, simply because there is no way for you to completely identify with it, so I ask first, that you don't identify with it, but rather listen to it. There's this idea that's been bouncing around in my head, sort of like a pinball bumping on bouncers with nowhere to go. What I've been thinking about is this notion of Love, not love, but Love with a capital L and what it really means. For me it took a long time to wrap my head around Love, no so much love. You see for me there is a difference in the two. Love, for me, in unconditional, in other words, Love with a capital L literally has no boundaries, nothing that holds it in and binds it, it is everything that I aspire to, without even knowing it. Love is that part of me that connects me to you and you to me, it is the part of me that resides within the kindest act and even the darkest act, although sometimes it's very hard to see. Love is a state of mind where you can look at someone who has done something completely beyond reasoning and say, "I hope things turn out well for them." It is being able to see the person still, the person that was and is and understanding that what that person is, isn't the entirety of that person, that somewhere within them still resides a piece worth loving. I know many of you are asking, "how can you love someone who has done something horrible? Really horrible?" Well it's not easy. I grew up in what most would consider an abusive home. My mother was mentally ill and my father was a sociopath. There's really no other way to describe them. My mother was prone to moods where she could be the most loving person in the world one moment, then in the next become a monster. This paradox made it hard for me to understand the concept of unconditional love, because for me there were very real conditions regarding love. If I woke my mother while she was napping she no longer loved me. If I brought her coffee and it was not made right, she no longer loved me, but then there were moments when it was different. On a Saturday afternoon when I was eight, I snuck into my parent's bedroom and stole all the money from my father's wallet. It was his entire paycheck and a bit more. I proceeded to go downtown and spend the money at the local ice cream shop. The owner knew my father, saw the amount of money I had and called my father. My father sent my brothers and sisters out to find me. I was standing on a bridge when I saw my sister coming, in a moment of panic I threw all the money over the side of the bridge, around two hundred dollars, which doesn't seem like a lot now, but this was the seventies, so think more like a thousand dollars. My sister took me home and my father beat me. Not a spanking, but a beating. It was one of the few times I remember my father hitting me. At the end I couldn't move. I remember I was so sore that even touching me stomach brought tears to my eyes. My mother took me in her arms and laid me in her bed beside her and held me, singing softly in my ear. It was hard for me to peg my mother as good or bad, because she was capable of both. Later in life I tended to remember the bad more than the good, but I bring this up as an example of how I was conditioned to think of love, how I was taught love worked. Another example of love came to me in a different manner. When I was a couple of months older and we had moved to a new town and new home a family friend came to stay with us. He was young, still in his teens, and he shared a room with me. A couple of weeks after he moved in with us, he started to sexually abuse me. At first it wasn't so bad, uncomfortable, but nothing really "horrible" at least not as horrible as I learned it could get. He stayed with us for two years before my parents kicked him out and I ended up having to endure his "love" for nearly two years. I say "love" because that's what he called it, he was "loving" me. To say that it ended up confusing me to no ends is an understatement, in fact it made it almost impossible for me to truly understand what love really was. So here, in this brief explanation of my life I share with you something I share very rarely, but now have no shame about, but at one time that wasn't so, at one time these moments of my life very much defined me as a person, as well as defined my own views on love and led me to believe that love didn't exist. So what changed my mind? Did I meet a person that unconditionally loved me, for good and bad, leading me down a path of righteousness? No, not in the least. In fact the majority of my relationships over the years were abusive and less than ideal. Did I stumble across love, see it in its natural form and suddenly realize that love existed, that it was real and concrete and perfect in all its adornments? No, that never happened either. What happened then? Well it's hard to explain. My first moment when I think I first experienced love was under the effects of a dream. I was twenty-two, I was very depressed, and I remember that I wanted to end it all, seriously end it all, not just a cry for help type of ending it, but a secretive, I'm not going to tell anyone and tomorrow I'm going to do it, type of depression. At that time I rarely prayed, but for some reason that night I did. I knelt before my bed with tears in my eyes and I prayed, "God, I can't take this anymore. If there's a reason for me being here, please show me, or else I'm going to kill myself tomorrow." Yes I know, very dramatic and twenty-ish. What happened though was amazing. I had a dream. In this dream a man came up to me and stabbed me. I remember the pain was very real and I felt very much like I was dieing. As my final moment passed, I found myself fading away, no body or anything else, just my self, for lack of a better explanation. I suddenly found myself in this vast space, not darkness mind you, just space. There seemed to be no direction or point of reference, just vast open space. Then slowly, balls of light appeared all around me, stationary, not moving, but just sitting there. After a brief period a voice suddenly spoke to me and I realized someone or something was with me. This voice said, "Aaron, you are on the Earth for a reason. You must learn a lesson. If you die you will come here. There is no time or space here, this place exists outside of the world, but it can reach the world. When you come here, you will then return to the world and be born again. You can be born in the past and in the future, it doesn't matter, because you will not remember anything from your previous life. You will keep coming here until you learn your lesson, then you will pass on from the world and this place." Now as this voice spoke I felt an overwhelming peace and serenity, unlike anything I had experienced before or since. I cannot even begin to describe it, my skin tingles when I remember it. It was the most amazing sensation I've ever had in my life, better than any drug or drink, it was absent of want or need, it was as if there was no want or need, just a complete sense of satisfaction, as if there were no wants or needs at all. Again, it's hard to explain. Anyways, I was trying to absorb what I had just been told, because it seemed to defy everything I had believed up until then as a good Christian. When I had finally understood what I had been told the voice asked me, "Do you understand." I thought, "yes." And that was that. I suddenly woke up the next morning, alive and well with the burden of depression lifted. How strange that I would find love in those words, but they are there. You see when we feel loved, it's because we feel that someone else values us, holds us as being something worth their attention. That being, when he helped me to realize that there was a reason for me being here, he also helped me to realize that I was worthy of love, and if I was worthy of love, then wasn't everyone else too? And that was my first glimpse, the spark that shook me ever so softly from a life of depression, sadness, and hopelessness, if only for a short while. You see that experience was enough to get me out of that rut for a short while, but it didn't erase the decades of abuse that I had experienced. In 1994 I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I had horrible flashbacks of things that had happened to me earlier in life, flashbacks I couldn't control. They dictated my life. After several years I became agoraphobic, afraid to leave my home for fear of having a panic attack. I had drank from the time I was twenty-one, heavily, but at some point my drinking seemed to become the sole purpose of my life. My mother had told me that if you drank before five you were an alcoholic and I took that to heart. Everyday I would wait til five o'clock and then start to drink. For around ten years I followed the same regime, a twelve pack and a couple Mickie's Hornets. I functioned well, in fact most people never called me an alcoholic, after all I was a happy drunk, people liked being around me, or so I thought. I was oblivious to the amount of pain and suffering that my actions caused others and me. The fact I bounced checks, stole money, lied, cheated, did whatever it took to get a drink didn't seem strange to me, because I "needed" to drink. Towards the end I stopped being a happy drunk, instead my past started to come back and haunt me, even in the midst of my sanctuary. I became belligerent, hateful, and spiteful. I became a person I couldn't even stand to look at in the mirror. So all stories like this come to an end, most don't have happy endings, I was lucky, because mine did. It started with a fist fight and a threat of suicide. I remember as clear as day standing on my porch, the morning after hearing my brother describe to me what happened the night before, but not remembering a single bit and praying, even though I didn't really believe in prayer or God. I prayed, "God please just help me get to Monday and I'll go to an AA Meeting." And that's what I did. I got sober. I haven't had a drink since that day. I tell people that even in those dark years I read the Tao Teh Ching and meditated, and I did, but I can honestly say it was all dead, anything that sprung from it was ornamental at best. Yes, it did help me to keep my balance for a time, but eventually, even those with the best balance fall and I did too. So where does the love come into all of this? Well some of it came to me while I was learning how to be sober. I made a fearless and thorough examination of my life, how I had harmed others (not how others had harmed me) and I came to understand that my actions not only effect others, but also effect myself. Call it karma, just deserts, God's will, whatever, but I learned that if one wants peace and happiness in their life, then they need to sow peace and happiness. Still that's not love, Love came along later. You see three years into my recovery I had another breakdown of sorts. I was working as a collections agent for a major corporation and I got a strange call. The man on that call was drunk and he started to hit on me. First let me say, I'm forty-one, but most people by the sound of my voice think I'm a teenager, so did this guy. He started to ask me very uncomfortable questions. I started to get very scared and suddenly I had a flashback. In one second years of abuse came back and I felt completely helpless. I left work and went home and never returned. I lied and told people I was on reprieve, but really I was on a disability. My mental state had deteriorated to the point I couldn't leave the house. A sniff of cologne or perfume, someone touching me a certain way, saying something that seemed to click and I'd be back there. Anyways there was one night a few years backs that I remember particularly, I woke up in the middle of the night to find a young boy, around nine sitting in his pajamas at the end of my bed. He looked at me and said, "I'm scared, is he going to come for us?" I looked at the boy and realized he was me. I started to cry and I couldn't stop. I felt his hand on my leg and the little boy said, "don't be scared. I wont let him hurt you." For thirty years I had buried this little boy inside me. The little boy that came out when I was beaten, when I was abused. The little boy that took all my shame and pain and held it so I could survive, have a glimmer of hope in the human race. I had buried him and abandoned him, but he had never abandoned me. That night as I lay sad and lonely, frightened of things that had happened so many years ago, he came to me and let me know that he loved me, that even if no one else was there, he was always there for me. He stayed with me til I fell asleep and the next morning he was gone. So my first glimpse of Love, with a capital L, came from a boy who has never aged, a boy that lives deep inside of me, still to this day. I realize now that this has gone in a direction, the story and my life, that I never intended, but like I've been told before and I believe, if one reaches a state of contentment in their life, then they can look back on their life and have no regrets for the past, nor will they wish to shut the door on it. I don't have regrets anymore. Now, the big L came to me later. You see when I first hopped online I thought I knew what Taoism was all about and Buddhism, but really I didn't know shit, nor do I now, but I met someone who did. He was on another forum and it ended up that he lived about ten miles away from me. We met and had dinner. He listened to my off the wall crap regarding what Taoism was and said nothing really, just listened. We continued to meet and he started to share more and more, lend me books, give me his thoughts and ideas. Over the following months I began to learn about Taoism in an entirely different light, not the philosophical bull that I thought was Taoism, you know, morality, democracy, etc., but rather the experience of Tao. I stopped meditating for the first time in nearly twenty years. It was in that period of no-meditation that I began to really understand, because even though I didn't know it, I was actually meditating, I just wasn't sitting with my eyes closed not thinking, or being. Instead I was BEING, living and experiencing. I was still having flashbacks and such, but not anything too bad. It was during my conversations with him, where he started to share his belief that there really was no higher power, or conscious being in control of the universe, that my ideas of how the world worked slowly changed. My idea of Love changed. Love was no longer God, but rather it became a state of being, that perfect being that existed within us. Love for me was something that transcended pain and suffering, it was something that existed in the darkest night and brightest day. It rose above hatred and pain, above greed and suffering, and still sat silent and peaceful, like the eye within a hurricane, it was the solace that existed, safe and free of any suffering. Love was the ability to care for someone so completely that any notion of yourself is wiped away and all that matters is the well being of this other person. It's the notion that you and I are not separate at all, but rather we just see ourselves as separate. It's the ability to love you even if you do something I don't like. It's the ability to forgive you, not because I want forgiveness, but because I understand that you are worth forgiving. Love with a capital L is showing compassion for the boy at the foot of your bed, but also showing compassion for the young man that caused you so much pain so many years ago, if only because you can see the boy inside of him as well. Love with a capital L is being able to see through what is now and understand what has been, that in the blink of an eye, if only one thing shifted in a certain way, you could've been that young man. Love for me, today at least, is being able to look back at my life and see how lucky I really am to be where I am now. That all the things that have happened to me in the end opened up my eyes and mind so that I can REALLY see. I can understand that there is no "I", but rather there is only "It". Me, you, and the Universe. When I can see this, really see it, then everything that has come before, everything that should've turned me to a bitter, angry, lonely man, means nothing, because in that moment of real clarity you understand the futility of anger and loneliness and instead see that you are never really angry at someone else, but rather you are angry at yourself, and as for loneliness, well I just need to look out my window to realize I'm never really alone. Anyways, this was very long. I doubt many people will make it to the end, but it was cathartic (for me). I shared it with you because I thought it was time to share it. I honestly and truthfully hope life is treating you well, but if it isn't, then just know that you are here to learn a lesson. Aaron

For those paying attention, the first time VMarco interacted with someone else on this forum was on this thread, it happened to be me. In that light, I wonder how much love I actually showed him? He obviously has a great passion for what he believes and I don't think he can be faulted for that. I certainly hope when he gets back that we can, as a community of people looking for a higher purpose, address him with a soft and even hand, rather than allow our base emotions to dictate our actions. Love everyone and love yourself with a sincere and open heart, if you can do this, then I think you are capable of achieving anything. Aaron