I read a post on someone who also lost the way. I understand exactly how I lost hold, but not how I reconnect. I will share in brief my experience. It's bizarre but true. Let me preface by informing my readers that I have been Taoist from age 13 and have always had a very lucid awareness of the way and its flow. I'm not touting myself, but during my life I have met with several rabbis (I was raised Jewish although I am adopted) who had remarked to me that I was an old soul and had an inherent wisdom and powerful presence. I take no credit for this, I was just always on my channel as most here will understand.
A little over a year ago, my ex up and left suddenly. This is not a problem. I was elated he did. Our relationship had been a toxic business arrangement for years. However, as much as I wanted to just walk away myself, something told me internally it wasn't the right moment. Immediately thereafter, everything that could go wrong did. It was epidemic system failure: Broken foot, broken sewer line, problems with the IRS because of him, failed hard drive, failed back up, yada yada, I'll leave it there. That's one week only! I had a great sense of humor about it all because it just was becoming absurd. At the same time, I met someone. The moment I walked into this coffeeshop, I felt him before I saw his face. There was this immediate cosmic recognition. I've had this before so I was so excited because it hadn't happened in too many years.
The charge between us was so intense and compelling it was almost frightening. We engaged in affair mostly initiated by my actions, however the affair would develop into a psychological game I wasn't aware I should be playing at first, but the other two parties did. The other party was a new girlfriend of mine. She happened to be dating him! Neither disclosed this even I made initial inquires about him and what she thought. She had his confidence since they were obviously friends so I confided in her. Blunder. All you can see where that went. But through the course of this, I was experiencing intense dreams, bizarre coincidences, repetition, awareness of his approaching. I found myself saying all the time 'what are the chances?'
I was also during this time practicing selflessness, vesselism to connect to my inner creative voice and to discover the true nature of my being. I canceled my cable, let my apartment go into chaos for a while, dedicated myself to encouraging others creative endeavors: Something like a muse. (I had a lot going on, yeah) The universe, the muses and chance seemed to be screaming him at me. He on the other hand was emotionally void and expressed he didn't want a relationship. (This was part of his game) By the end I'd been driven to paranoia by his girlfriend's actions and his and my intense emotions and the contradictory messaging from the way. I'll wrap this up by saying I stepped out of the game and played my cards differently---and lost.
The night he called it off I was emotionally exhausted. Since I no longer served the purpose of driving his girlfriend to what were eventually jealous attacks on me, he attack me physically in a disposal effort. Of course I was in shock of this. It wasn't excessively violent, but enough to re-injure a chronic problem of mine therefore all the more traumatic. I won't get into the rest of the debacle, but for a while after the cosmos still was directing me to him, but he was incommunicato. I was in post traumatic shock for a while. Eventually I did speak with him about what happened, but he was unresponsive. I was so confused. A week later I awoke with the most disconcerting feeling like I unplugged or like there was a planar shift. There was a quiet like a blackhole it was really bizarre. I consulted the I-ching to find out what had changed. It said: The great gone and the little come. I had failed to lead. Since them I've been lost and feel frozen. I've been abused or abandoned emotionally, socially by everyone I know. He inflicted my life with so much surreal negativity like he actualized it or something for the moment we met. I haven't felt myself since that day. It's been nearly a year. I can't focus, have no passion, or direction, and feel no connection.
The person who posted said they'd lost the way had stated something similar. He/she had PTSD and had been used by those they knew also thereafter.
How do I fix my Shen? I didn't follow my guts or my heart. I followed my reason, my temeritous certitudes, and waited for his approach. I stayed true to his nature and not true to mine. Did I made some giant spiritual mistake? Was I supposed to know him for some reason never realized? Help.
