Otis

This concept is utterly alien to me. Why is that your "primary goal in life"?

Yeah, that's how I hear the verses, as well. It's a guide toward freedom, not a moral restraint on freedom.

Then the question is how to not do, I think I have only met a couple of people who are really good at doing nothing Hmm.... I certainly didn't mean that "we shouldn't do anything". Just that there's no "should" about it, one way or the other.

At the risk of taking your words too literally, I don't think you (or any of us) HAVE to do anything. I think we're very lucky, those of us who have stumbled upon some form of the truth we're calling Taoism. And as a lucky person, we can either take advantage of the opportunity or not. IME, I'm happier and more fulfilled, when I live as cleanly and clearly as possible. But there is zero obligation, or accountability. There is no duty to Taoism, or to act upon our beliefs. "Duty" is just an inner voice, not a real phenomenon. Taoism is just a gift, not a jealous God. For me, the results are what sharpens and focuses my behavior. I experience how sweet life is, when I do not separate myself from it. And I know how alienated I have been from my life. That's enough to keep me practicing. And by "practicing", I do not mean: "do what the Taoists would have me do", I mean simply making my life about living in that way. Practice doesn't have to be a method, a specific set of steps, or a list of things not to do, but just a way of approaching life, moment-by-moment.

Sure, Mewtwo, glad it connected to what you were talking about. I am absolutely choosing an intuitive path, myself, and looking to tradition, scriptures, etc., only for inspiration. I do think that is the core truth that both Taoism and Zen are getting at: that all forms have to give way to honest authentic following of our inner guide (what I like to call my 'path'). And for me, at least, it made more sense to start on that pathless path, then to start off with a whole bunch of form, en route to the pathless. Here is the growth of another topic: how do we proceed, if we choose to do away with forms? Those with forms and traditions have the advantage, not only of having references to go to when stuck, but also yardsticks to measure. The formless path has no yardsticks (in fact, it sees them as attachments), so it's impossible to make any objective measure of my achievement (of course, it's impossible for anyone, but the formless path presents the truth of that too clearly to ignore). I think that is not a problem, however, because achievement isn't the name of the game. It's merely: getting better. And that (comparing myself with my history) seems like the only reasonable way to measure growth. On a pathless path, there is no such thing as attainment, as enlightenment, etc., because those are all measurements against a yardstick. There is merely growth, growing lighter, less afraid, more compassionate, more powerful. But how do we teach? Since almost all teaching is based on forms, then we neither have a syllabus, nor (again) a yardstick to see whether we are qualified to teach. All we have are our and other people's opinions. For this reason, I am very hesitant to teach, even though I have been asked occasionally, to share what I know. And, of course, the truth is: I know nothing. I don't have drills or choreography or terms or traditions. I can't even teach someone else MY forms (if I had them), because I have no reason to believe that this form will work for another body, since it was based entirely on the intuition of MY body. The whole argument for a pathless path also demands that we recognize that what works for us may not do anything for another. All I have to offer is an intuition that has been cleaned-up and well-practiced. The only thing I could possibly teach is for someone else to get in touch with their intuition. And I believe that that is probably the single best thing that anyone could teach another person. Forget about learning what I know; learn what will guide you for the rest of your life! That goal: learning to teach another how to access their intuition, their own pathless path, that is utterly beyond my experience. So I'm not in a big hurry to teach, but I still see that role as an admirable one, as long as the teacher doesn't get attached to the role (huge ego traps in that one).

The area between my shoulder blades is one that I spend a lot of time working on. Mainly, this is because of my former unfortunate habit of sucking in my gut and sticking out my chest. As result, there is a LOT of tension there, and reduced mobility of my shoulder blades and spine. Don't know anything about your cause, NeiChuan, but it might be worthwhile checking to see if you have any of those same habits. They quickly become unconscious, but they are very detrimental to Qi flow.

I love the steam room at my Y. It's like hitting the "reset" button on my muscles, a great way to ease tension. 15 minutes goes a long ways. Not necessarily as part of your meditation (altho' why not meditate in the steam room? - I do), but at least an accompaniment, to surrender more of the physical tension. Stretching in the steam room = double bonus relaxation points!

Hear! Hear!

Good point.

Good point. Just because we have a facility whose over-use is destructive, does not mean that the facility doesn't serve a positive use. For a while, I was starting to see thoughts, daydreams and projections as being somehow wrong, or anti-Zen. But then I realized: they are all extremely useful tools, that have no substitutes. Daydreaming is how Einstein imagined the point of view of a photon. It's how writers get into their characters' heads. It's what a film director does before he storyboards. It's how we plot out a new direction, when the old road is blocked. It's the only way we can take the "long view", instead of just being stimulus/response. Projection (a form of daydreaming), likewise, can go both ways. If I project into a future conversation, it's true that I run the risk of over-thinking it, or committing myself too heavily down the wrong path. But the problem is not with the projection itself, for that can be very useful. Using projection, I can figure out the inoffensive way of phrasing something, or pay attention to what the other person will probably need in the conversation, so I'm not just entering into it with my own agenda. As long as I don't mistake my projection for the person themselves, or my daydream for reality itself, then I don't see the harm in either.

Like Sloppy Zhang says, it's not about control of my emotions, per se. It's about surrendering their importance. The emotion still arises, but I no longer give it all my energies. Over time, most disappointment, anger, etc., has softened and lessened its effect in my life. The core, as I've experienced it, is my relationship to panic. Without panic, fear is just a warning, anger just a voice. When I am subject to panic, then I get swept away by my emotions. The more I de-program that panic, the more the emotions are just part of my feedback system, senses and voices cluing me in to potential threats, etc. And as such, those emotions become my allies, instead of the things which take over me.

This is definitely how I experience it. When I am self-conscious, in "I" mode, then my body has a great deal of contraction and resistance to movement. When I am allowing my body to move itself, without my conscious direction, then the contraction lifts, and movement is very easy and painless. I am, during that period, stronger, more flexible, less subject to injury. This is the heart of my practice of authentic dance/movement/stretch, surrendering the "I" so that the body may emerge from my earlier attempts to control it. The thoughts that most crash me back into self-consciousness and contraction are the ones in which I praise myself, followed by the open question: "how am I viewed?" But I also fall back into contraction, merely by asking "what is going on?" For example, if my ego "wakes up" from the practice of authentic movement, and realizes that I am standing on one foot, in easy and perfect balance, then all of a sudden, that balance becomes much more difficult. Because when the "I" realizes what I am doing, it tries to take over it, to make sure that it's all done according to my self-image. But the moment that the "I" tries to take over, then the act becomes much more difficult. In many ways, my "I" keeps my body in chains. The ego isn't very good at manipulating the body (it's not its job). One of the few tools the ego has, is "no", putting on the brakes. And since the body tends to move in directions (e.g. towards risk, food and sex) that my ego is conflicted about, then the ego views that body as a wild animal, and seeks to tame and control it, through the never-ending application of "don't". I spend my whole egoic life, with the brakes on.

My understanding of ego is that it is essentially the habits, particularly the habits of consciousness. Living life by my ego is living by my algorithms, on automatic. Because those algorithms shape the internal environment within which all experience is defined, then the ego seems like air, like the necessary context of reality. But to set out to "kill" this ego, is to take on new algorithm (the ego must die), and overlay it on top of the previous structure. So I am just sending the ego on a wild goose chase after itself, thinking somehow that through some great achievement of will, the ego will collapse and "I" will achieve enlightenment. But that's all in the wrong direction. "I" cannot achieve enlightenment, because it is "I" which blocks the way of enlightenment. "I" am no more or less than my ego. As long as it is "me" trying, then "I" am only reinforcing ego. So, what makes sense to me is: to stop trying. Stop trying to overcome ego, but also stop trying to defend or feed it. Stop justifying, stop giving extra weight to data that favors me, makes me special, or rewards my martyr/victim circuits. Stop mistaking my panics for real crisis, my pain for real injury. Stop projecting on the world. Stop blinding myself to what's in front of me. Stop blaming others, or making excuses. Stop taking offense at the world. Stop being dishonest. IMO, nothing needs to be killed. I just need to surrender these training wheels of ego patterns, and risk being clumsy, as I move into the unknown.

Thanks, Matt for your reply. I'm in complete agreement with you here. Opening my heart (both as chakra and as metaphor) has been central to my recent exploration. One of the tricky things (and it sounds like you're dealing with that, too) is that the woman who draws my heart is not necessarily the same woman who draws my libido. So sometimes those two forces pull me in very different directions.

I know a bunch of zen guys who kept on about how we must "kill" the ego. But then they'd also say that the ego doesn't exist. So what is it that y'all wanted to kill? Saying the ego doesn't exist is also kind of fallacious; obviously, something is going on. But, as the OP article points out: ego/self (like thoughts) can be process, rather than entity. It's like waves on the ocean; the wave exists, but only as an energetic function of/through the actual substance, water. "Killing" the ego always sounds like spiritual violence to me. Why is it that we're asked to accept the world in every moment, but also asked to kill part of ourselves? To me, the only reasonable way of looking at it, is to "kill the illusion", rather than "kill the ego". Let go of the idea that these voices in my head are me (as opposed to just one function of me), or that there is anything more than a perceived need that these voices should be "right" (or that my sense of self needs to be defended). In fact, "grow a sense of humor about my internal world" seems like a much more reasonable way of approaching the question than trying to kill anything. Surrender of the importance of my thoughts.

Great post, Matt, and major props for your honest self-reflection and sharing. I am another who has had a lot of shame issues tied up with my libido, and am still sorting a lot of that out now. I used to feel a lot of guilt about masturbation even, and I was always very careful to appear "safe", non-threatening, to women. I have rather puritanical Xtian parents, altho' I can't say with any certainty, how much my upbringing played into that. My major issue with libido now is: in partner dance, I tend to get turned on by new cute dance partners. When I get turned on, my IQ drops about 40 points, and I automatically go into an energetic seduction mode, which tends to be very effective. All that is great and rewarding at the moment, but then afterwards, there is the karma of having another person who now has expectations, or regrets (I've accidentally broken up some relationships). Plus, since my dancing is mostly within a relatively tight community, my reputation becomes closer to that of a predator, rather than a bright, playful person that others can trust, which is how I'd prefer to be seen. My reputation is not everything, of course, but it is a big part of relating to others, which is the focus of much of my practice, these days. Nor do I necessarily want to shut down my own libido, or its activation into seduction. Because of my childhood shame, I am overly-practiced in saying "no" to my libido, to shutting it down. Now, I want to live a fully healthy alive libido, but hopefully, without all the karmic effects that serial seduction brings (the ideal, I think, would be to find a great partner that continues to turn me on and meet me, so I'm not compelled to chase the new girls, but that partner is not currently within view).

One of my favorite satori moments was being guided through my own belief in human hierarchy, having it revealed to me that all that hierarchy is just myth, just stories that we tell ourselves and others. And realizing that as long as I bought into the myth, as long as I believed any other human being less valuable than me, then I was imprisoned by that myth. I could never be on the top of any hierarchy, so I would always be lacking, could never fully accept myself.

This is awesome advice! I've found that my own skepticism is a habit, and like most habits, it wants to be expressed in some way. So I try to turn it toward my own inner processes, to doubt my thoughts. I get a lot more use out of it, that way.

Much respect to all the teachers and those who have been learned great traditional forms from respectable lineage. That said, there is a point to what MewTwo says, that comes from the heart of Taoism. Break down the one into the 10,000, and we lose the Tao. Break down the body into an esoteric system with forms based upon somebody else's body, and to some degree, we alienate ourselves from what is real about ourselves. The way that can be described is not the true way, nor is the form the true way to ourselves. All forms are merely vehicles, to suggest and invite sensation, so that the practitioner can learn about the experience of Qi (and Qi itself is just a metaphor). These forms and metaphors are created by man, based upon his observation of the energetic world. They are the finger, pointing at the moon. In this case, the moon is learning to live as energy (rather than as an ego that moves energy around). If the individual does not learn the internal experience of energy, then accurate replication of a form will not substitute. Whereas the accurate expression of one's authentic internal dance will always be a step forward toward freedom. We cannot be free, if we're not willing to (eventually) shed forms and trust our internal guidance. What is important about the forms is that they are great teaching tools. That is why it is so important to know them so well, before one starts teaching. Of course the forms were themselves once improvised, based upon patterns by energetic intuitives who shared their authentic movements with others. Those forms proved to be very efficacious to a wide group of students, and so they were passed on. Teach an impromptu form, and you're just projecting your own Qi neurosis on someone else. "This is what worked for me" doesn't mean that it will work for anyone else, because everyone's path grows from what's come prior. If, however, you are an intuitive master, then why bother teaching your form? Teach instead how to be an intuitive master, because that's a much more useful skill.

From where I sit, the problem behind fundamentalism is a problem we all share: the need to be special, right, important. It's also the basis behind nationalism and other bigotries: if you're not like me, you must be worth less. I know this yoga teacher who is also an atheist and a hardcore skeptic, and so he's constantly pushing his New Age friends to "question your spiritual bullshit". I agree with his position, but not with his rhetoric: he often refers to his own view as "grown-up spirituality". To me, the problem is when I say "anyone who disagrees with me is wrong", no matter what it is I believe in. That problem is most obvious with fundamentalists, but I think it's worthwhile for us all to be on the look-out for our own need to be special.

Dance is a great place for me to explore those kinds of dynamics. I do a lot of handstands and other balances, from which I've learned to make myself a lot lighter. That's even more marked in Contact Improv, in which other people pick me up. In that realm, I have a great deal of control over how heavy I seem to be to my partner. Lane-splitting on my motorcycle is a great practice for staying present. It also seems to expand both time and space. Once in the zone, seemingly small spaces open right up, and reaction time goes way down.

I'm a huge 3D lover, enchants the hell out of me. I gotta say: far better 3D than Tron was Tangled. Every blade of grass is rendered in all 3-axes. The scene with the paper lanterns is amazing! See it before it leaves the theater. Plus, it's a very nice story, well told (not a teenage chick flick, like the trailers imply).

I have ordered Lomax's book, and will be sure to add my review

On a separate note: interesting about your mind going blank at that particular moment. My theory (if I may): when you switched from one process (the solving of your dilemma) over to a totally separate one ("I should record this"), you moved from one dominant brain structure to another, and hence: from one consciousness to another. In my own head, I notice that such consciousness shifts are often correlated with small amnesias, as if the memory was tied to the structure (a version of 'state dependent memory'). A radical gear shift in my consciousness often requires some fishing around to recall what was happening a moment before.