Cat Pillar

For me, I'm planning on working it this way. I'm working full time at a good job. Once I get rid of those financial vampires, I'm going to be stockpiling money. Probably for years. Once I can afford it I'm going to start talking to those who have traveled abroad (especially to Taiwan and China) for training, so I can get some advice on how to go about it myself. In the meantime, I'm studying gung fu (Wing Chun), I meditate daily, and will be adding qigong to my practice. I've noticed that BK Frantzis' standing postures and some of the movements are very similar to things I've already learned in Wing Chun, so it should be easy for me to slip into that. (Although I still want to check out Lomax's material...will be buying his book soon too.) Also, I'm working on dealing with all of my emotional and psychological issues - I know all of my internal conflicts will need to be resolved eventually on this path, so I'm working with all of that now too. I'm trying to balance my development as much as possible, very much in a way similar to what Franz Bardon suggests in Initiation Into Hermetics - physical, emotional/psychological/mental, and spiritual. The Astral Mirror is a concept that's really stuck with me - balancing out my qualities and refining my character is a big part of my practice. Rebirth is not a concern for me, cuz I don't know if rebirth is real. I DO however want to see how far I can go in this lifetime, since it might be my only one. I'm intrigued by the stories of the Immortals, and I want to find out for myself is such a thing can really be accomplished, and is actually a part of our reality rather than a mythological story. Edit - if there's one thing I can suggest, it is to make time to meditate daily. You will be surprised at how over time your ability to deal with stress increases. It may be really really hard to find the time, and you may feel too chaotic - but trust me, it helps. I would suggest a calming, relaxing meditative practice - like Frantzis' Longevity Breathing, or some other breath-based practice. Don't worry so much about the chaos in your mind, simply accept it for what it is and do the best you can with what you have. You'll have to face all that chaos eventually anyways, best to start doing it now. You'll be better prepared for the rest of your journey if you do.

Sounds pretty similar to my long-term goals. Got to get rid of some financial vampires before I can start packing away money for myself, though. Edit: except I'm not seeking an end to rebirth, I'd like to go the Immortal route.

I must've been doing it wrong, it never worked for me.

So THAT's who those guys were working for! Sneaky sneaky.

Okay, sent you a PM.

I love Porcupine Tree! Steve Wilson is an amazing musician and producer. Got to see them live a couple years ago, it was awesome.

Whoa, awesome! Look forward to reading this, thanks (to Apech too) for putting in the effort to make this happen!

I've heard of Gary Lam, but never met him. Who's your Wing Jun friend in Texas? I'm in Houston. I'm a newb, I've been training for less than a year. I absolutely love it though, I never feel more alive (or sore!) than after a class. I'll be starting weekly private lessons in a few weeks as well.

Reading through the Articles and Papers link, enjoying it so far. Thanks for posting this!

I really enjoyed the first movie, but I haven't seen the second one yet. I practice Wing Chun, my SiFu's lineage traces back to Duncan Leung, one of Ip Man's disciples.

I'll be keeping my Watcher's eyes open for that memory...might even be necessary to try the letter thing. However...there IS a very sensitive memory from my childhood which I'm not sure is related, but I do believe it has a lot to do with some of my other issues (namely self confidence). If you can help me re-imprint that memory, it might do me a lot of good. It's extremely personal though, so that we'd have to discuss via PM.

I don't have the exact memory of the first imprint. I know it's definitely related to church, as I had a fundamentalist/evangelical upbringing. It can be really hard for me to draw up specific memories from childhood. I'll be happy to accept your offer of help if I can ever find that first memory. I have been making an effort not to judge people, but I guess I need to try harder. I'm still trying to cultivate love of self, that's still a hard one for me. Hehehe, I'm not much for young studs, but maybe a sexy lady... Naw, it's nothing like that. My dream is to become an Adept; to master internal and external martial arts, and the subtle energies. To experiment and try to come to new understandings about human interaction with energy.

Would you have any recommendations? My job requires me to be in front of a computer screen for forty hours a week, something like that might really help me out.

Thanks for the reply, manitou! Point taken on "spiritual mistake" versus any other kind. This in particular struck me, "Get over your pride. It is nothing other than the other side of ego. If Spirit, or Void, or It, or Whateveryoucallit wants to manifest through you, who do you think you are to think you know better, or deny it.?". Never really thought about it like that. Pride is one of the biggest issues I struggle with...or rather, fear of being prideful. It seems I allow fear to guide my actions more than I really acknowledged before. In fact, I think I can point to two particular areas where this is quite applicable. My response to the desire/dream is usually in a much different tone..."How arrogant you must be to have these desires. Who do you think you are? Your pride will ruin you!" I believe myself to be arrogant and prideful, so I play down my victories and blow up my failures in an attempt to balance things out. Usually when I have a big victory, I'll be ecstatic for a short time, sharing the good news with friends and family...then a day or two later, I'll experience a wave of guilt over how prideful I acted, how arrogant of me it was to boast like that. I can't allow myself to feel lasting pride, because if I do people will see how arrogant my true character really is. I also believe myself to be very selfish. In order to make up for this, I give away a lot of what I generate. I almost always put other people's needs before mine, unless I have nothing left to give or it puts my roof in danger. I MUST give things away and put others before myself, because if I don't others will see how selfish my true character really is. This is part of why it's so hard to find time for my practices...I've already given most of my time to helping other people pursue their dreams. Interesting, how much of this is based on projected perceptions of others. I guess I really do care a lot about how other people/spirits feel about me. You offer some good advice...I'll see if I can free up that 10% of energy.

Is it a spiritual mistake to abandon my deepest held and most powerfully felt dreams and desires because I fear that pursuing them would be an act of pride and thus attract bad karma?

+1 to that.

I think after searching for it I'm closing in on the source of things I feel are blocking my vital energy and motivation. I think one of my main problems is a lack of foundation. After all these years of spiritual seeking, I've effectively demolished any coherent sense of self. In some ways this is good, because my former self-image was terrible, but in other ways it's bad, because now I'm SUPER confused. which is even more confusing, because I don't know what "I" refers to anymore. It's all a muddy mess of debris and tangled attachments. I can't find the base, the center, the "true" self. Everything I thought was solid are now phantoms, shifting and morphing constantly. They form in peripheral vision, but fade into shadows when viewed directly. One day I am a musician, dedicated to music. The next day I am a martial artist, dedicated to my art. The next day I am a failure, dedicated to wallowing in misery. The next day I'm a workaholic focused on improving my career. Nothing sticks, nothing stays...what motivates me today will be gone again tomorrow, leaving either a bitter and fearful apathy or a hole quickly filled by yet another shallow motivation. I live my life habitually, following the motions already established by my past decisions and patterns of behavior. Some of these things are very harmful to my well-being, but I find myself unable or unwilling to change it, because I don't know what to change it to. Everyone always says "be yourself." I have no idea who I am. Everything I thought I was, when examined, turns to dust. All of my previous motivations for living were materially based...what was "best" was whatever had the highest material payoff, which would then alleviate my desires for security and power. Lately I have been more spiritually motivated, but even then...what is this "I" that is pursuing all of this? And what is it that would benefit from the journey? I am completely lost and rudderless...I have no guide by which to travel, no sense of purpose with which to direct my action. And so I live habitually, acting out my addictions and attachments for lack of something to replace them with. Are my desires and wants what define "me," the little "I" or ego? What basis can that be for action, when every day the desire changes, every day the motivation changes. It's like being stuck in a maze where the corridors are constantly shifting...every time I think I've made progress, I find myself back at the beginning looking at a different maze. I'm scared, because I'm staring down a hole that I just crawled out of. I thought I had beat depression, but now I'm coming face to face with something that has been steadily pulling me back under...and if I can't figure this out, I know I'm going to end up destroying myself completely through inaction.

My counselor. I'm not intending to use "disorder" as an excuse, and I'm not nearly as "bad" as I used to be...but when the prospect of getting in the car for a 5 minute drive to a friend's house gives you panic attacks, something is obviously wrong. Now, I don't experience that level of anxiety anymore, but I do seem to have a default "worry" mode. True relaxation is something I haven't felt in years, except fleetingly. The closest I get is in meditation, and I have been noticing that even then there's still tension/anxiety being harbored in nearly every part of my body. I agree that anxiety can be warranted in certain situations, but it's still something I would rather let arise and pass naturally...it has a tendency to stick with me. The relationship is the part I'm most interested in...I'm not really interested in the sex if there's no relationship to go with it. That said, I don't think a relationship is in the cards right now, and have no idea when it might be. Not enough room in my life at this time, and making room for it isn't high on my priorities at this stage in my development. As much as I'd like a partner, I don't think I'm ready for one.

Yeah, I agree! When I earnestly started my spiritual journey, self-honesty was one of the first things I had to learn. Hard to get anywhere if you keep lying to yourself. -------------------------- 1) Easier said than done, especially with anxiety disorder. But I'm working on it! Meditation is helping, slowly. 2) I don't even know what virtuous acts, good deeds, and wholesome thoughts are. It all seems so subjective. I try to help anyone who asks and give as much as I can, try to live up to my word to the best of my ability, try to be as honest as I can, and do not harbor ill will against others...those are virtuous things to me. As for wholesome thoughts...is thinking about sex unwholesome? If so, I probably still have some work to do. Having never been with a girl, I've got quite a bit of frustration to work through. Not that I have room in my life for a relationship right now anyways... 3) It's a mind state I'm not familiar with, and therefore do not how to experience it.

I would so be there, in a heartbeat!

I'm about as enlightened as a rock in a dark cave. Wait, better rephrase that...some might argue that the rock in a dark cave is pretty enlightened. No enlightenment experiences, no sense of unity or peace, no sense of clarity or ease, and certainly not any humble greatness. Wish I could have one of those grand epiphanies. But most of what I've read seems to indicate that there's nothing one can do to induce one...you might be able to improve your chances with certain practices, but it doesn't seem like there's any guaranteed methods out there. Maybe I'll get lucky one day.

If TTB turns into ATS I'll give up on forums forever. Or at least until I stop crying.

You're right...I am kind of waiting for the ambiguity to go away. And I appreciate your vote of confidence in my brightness. Maybe in addition to grounding I need to put some more focus into dissolving attachments to certain ways of being...or maybe, I'm not really allowing my deeper desires to express themselves, and so instead I experience a carousel of surface desires that aren't rooted deeply enough to maintain being. Maybe I'm just afraid of what my deepest desires and motivations are. That's something worth thinking about...I'll have to contemplate more on this. I'm starting to understand that these things eventually reveal themselves when the intent is put forward to know them...it's just a matter of time. ----------------------------- Todd, Thank you for the descriptions of how intuition and impulse differ. I'll have to make an effort to be mindful of my impulses, and see if I can start to delineate true intuitive direction from egoic impulses. Luck, and a lot of hard internal work. Waking up is hard to do, but I've found that the more I cultivate awareness, the faster things drop away. You're right about the clinging though...I have an addictive personality, and it's always been hard for me to take that first step away from something. Familiar territory quickly becomes a security blanket, and I always quake and shiver before leaving my comfort zone. I ought to keep in mind that a lot of good things have happened because I stepped out of my comfort zone.

zerostao and Kate, I think your grounding suggestions are probably really good ones. I did some quick google searching, and there was one site that had a little quiz to see if you were ungrounded...I scored really high on it. That, and reflecting on how much I've been involved in the mental and emotional spheres does point to a neglect of the physical sphere and a lack of connection with the body. I actually don't meditate all that much, just half an hour a day. ----------------------- Marblehead, That's good advice, I'll try to stay mindful of it. Harmony is something I've not been very good with, but it is something I'm trying to reach. ----------------------- manitou, Yeah, a vacation from introspection might be just what I need. These days introspection generally tends to be the default mode for active mind...I'm constantly analyzing my thoughts and mental states, which has helped in a lot of ways...but it might be too much right now. -------------------------- Otis, Thanks for sharing your experiences! I have definitely seen the cyclical nature of growth, but I don't always remember this point and still get surprised all the time. "You mean THIS again!?" Lack of direction is something I definitely have a difficult time with. Perhaps I need to develop more trust in the process, but there lies another of my weaknesses; I have very little trust in the "unseen." I think there's definitely some kind of "Guardian" archetype/aspect that is having a real hard time with anything to do with "surrender." More to ponder...but maybe after a little break. --------------------------- suninmyeyes, The idea has occurred to me that there may not be a center, especially since many spiritual sources imply essentially that. If there's nothing there though, what's making decisions? The meat? Or are the choices not actually choices at all, and willpower is completely non-existent? This would imply that there's nothing to drive or focus intent...isn't an agent of some kind required to make the call on where and how to focus and apply intent? Or is it just a spontaneous interplay of counterbalanced forces with the appearance of free will? A very deep subject right there, one that I think is a bit beyond me at the moment. ---------------------------------- wearydreamer, Spontaneous interplay of counterbalanced forces, with Something that observes? Is this Awareness a counterbalanced force itself or outside the field of interplay? ----------------------------- Todd, Beautiful post, sir! Yes, I think this is an accurate assessment of where I'm at. Natural movement...basically, intuition, right? Y'know, I think I know why I have such a hard time with intuition. I think I often mistake impulse for intuition, and am not entirely sure how to distinguish an impulse from an intuitive push. ------------------------------- Blasto, I suppose I'm relatively young. I'm 26 years old, and I'm a senior network technician at a dedicated hosting provider. High school dropout (though I've got my GED). This is essentially what I'm struggling with. I'm very aware of my limitations, and that I can really only master one thing at a time. I just can't seem to decide what to focus on, because I feel as if I have nothing to base the decision on. Wise is the last word I'd use to describe myself. I am interested in learning Tai Chi or Qigong, something along those lines. But, I'm wary about learning from books or DVDs and I'm not sure how prevalent good teachers are in my area. I'll browse that link more when I've got some more free time. ---------------------------------- Thanks for the replies, everyone!

If you're immortal, it doesn't matter if you get caught. You can just wait out the consequences!