Vanir Thunder Dojo Tan

mmhmm... i've wanted to a long time now, perhapss it is that i just ought to out right.

I hope it is nothing!!!!

Aaron, I tend toward the "by example" mode of communication, but it's hard to persist when one also knows it is the least attended mode of communication; that people ignore it so much more easily than all the negative means of enforcing leadershit.

I tend to call BS on that one, easy... but that has only been my personal experience... I believe I am just simply "meant" to be an open conduct for all spirits, good bad ugly and beautiful.... like I said, I don't get a choice.

type, classification, manner, mode, or otherwise example of. Every good bad and ugly entity that can exist, probably does exist within me. and I've no choice in the matter.

K'ay!

if I were to guess, I would say that I am plagued by every riddle of entity and negative spirit that can be contracted by the human body. I hate having no choice.

that is assuming i let it all out; karma is then the only controlling factor, not my self, or my body.... to suggest that embracing the botteled up turmoil would render myself null and void as but an extention of the negative karma associated with the anger, hate, and violence i would therefore be embracing... savoring maybe even. If i were to embrace the anger and hate and regret and sorrow, it would be akin to watching the end of a bad movie... i'd "be there" only in the spirit of the observer. everything "happening" would not be me or mine but the anger, hate, regret, and sorrow manifest through what was once called "my body"...

i dont blame you, my mind was stuck on "ATC" for a while anyways! All Terrain Cat.... damn. its not an anagram, its an acronym!

I've learned (largely from getting banned from almost every "spiritual" forum on the web) to observe the conversation in-depth before contributing any thoughts to the mix, that these contributions largely agree with the course of conversation and do not distract from the original question or position/statement. Of course, this only works online where everything that is said is saved. In reality, amongst other people.... i dont have any real speech filter on these blasphemous lips of mine!

hey, i got an anagram for you, cat! act! HAW! yours was easy though, i must admit!

my anger has always been very violent. i would, indeed, have committed murder in grade school had i not kept at least enough self control and sense not to let the consequences outweigh my actions. And it is perhaps the consequences alone that prevent my anger from manifesting in such a physically debilitating manner... but perhaps also prevent it from ever reaching resolution. Regardless of the source of my inner turmoil, there are no external solutions, and thus far no internal solutions either. i keep looking, seeking truth, searching for answers.... Suppress it today taht i may find new information another day... Or let it out and watch the carnage, and the end of my life, unfold before my eyes as i let go of the reigns and allow karma to wrap up my fate and tie it off.

I suspect that, on an instinctual level if nothing else, i have a very accute understanding of shen in/of others, as i am able to "read" a person like they mnight read a book... i can see everything about you in your face... i know your hurt, your pain, your joy, your fear..... if i know your face... That being said, in the physical life that i live, i think i am probably the oldest soul i know, spiritually speaking... i've only read about people who have had thoughts as deep as those discussed here on TTB... i am certain there are plenty of older-souls all around, but i have never met them in person to my knowledge, and maybe i am putting too much faith in a prejudiced approach of facial recognition... but it has never steered me wrong before, and only ever been proven out over time; my initial character judgements... I sometimes wonder if i am the reincarnation of a wise person i have read about in books by Mary Summer Rain, due to the deep-connecting similarities between my heart of hearts and the things i've read about... It is, as always, that i am awaiting external confirmation for internal musings and ponderings...

hey, its better than the other anagram: Diehard Trojan Von Nut! but that is not until AFTER i have kids Meanwhile: THANK YOU! Cyber hugs and cookies.

"it" in its isness is a cause of misery and misfortune. i am avoiding many ills and ails by surpressing it. I could embrace the anger and hate that it has insp[ired all my life and become a murderer.... or i can surpress it. I can carry it in my hands and take it out on everyone around me, or i can try to ignore it. Therapy was patronizing, friendships became burned bridges, and family is just looking for "someone else" to dump me on. I agree that i need to be self sufficient in terms of adulthood, but i'd like an OPPORTUNITY TO DO SO. no one comes to the door knocking and asking if you want a job. and no one reads my job applications. its a vicious cycle. In the event of a major catestrophy, i would be fine, fully capable of taking care of myself. Having to comprehend the absurd mentalities of my peers and submit to the social norms are not within my capacity. It is as alien to me, understandign why cutting my hair is so damned important, as growing a tripple jointed finger with a nasty claw out of the center of my forehead... As for this uprising angst and self loathing.... if it "shouldnt be surpressed" (but mind you is very volatle and dangerous otherwise) whad do you think "should" be done with it? I would LOVE to let it "run its course" and kill everything and everyone around me, but at the same time, i wouldnt like that one bit, nor would i have any capacity to face the consequences thereof.

Thank you. on Protector, formerly sinfest 2: judgement day, formerly sinfest's behalf Actually, i am thinking it is time....

the cumulative sum of advice and feedback i typically recieve from my peers is "get a hair cut" or "get a job" and every so often it's "shave" or "take a shower".... well useless feedback if i do say so myself I used to troll forums with my angsty bullshit, but now i keep it to myself. save those few days, like today, when i cant keep it surpressed where it belongs.

im usually the last person to know something about me O_o!!! hell, tell ya what, everyone ELSE sure thinks they know why i am a failure at life, still single, and have no kids! just ask them, they'll tell ya! It's my facial hair, or my hair is too long, or i dont have a job, or i dont have a car. i've heard them all. Only thing i havent heard is a genuine 100% true "i love you" from a significant other. i stopped trying to find somethign taht doesnt exist outside teh movies. I thought, at first, "let it come to me". but if "it" doesnt exist, i will be waiting for my life to start until i die. so i guess it is a lose-lose situation. I gave up on other people, not on my hopes of having a family..... problem is, other peopel are kind of required in the deal... and so far, the only valid people i meet are online, mostly HERE on TTB! All you ladies here would peobably be worthwhile company. The girls in my life? Not so much..... irritatingly self centered most often than not. ... or taken/married/etc... Or related XD I had a dream come true once... well until it turned out she wanted nothing to do with me.... never even dated, but to this day, i cant shake her face, or the dream where i "first met" her.... It's THAT which inspires suicide more than anything..... god's got a sick sense of humor! edit: response II: Shen, there isnt a "dont like" button. no offense lol cuz i really DONT LIKE "patience"! LOL being paitent means: Letting your dreams and hopes dissolve between your fingertips, letting "bubba" have his wy with you in the cell, letting "them" have your every desire and want, never complaining about how FUCKED you are, and alwys smiling when life tells you to bend over and take it up the ass... I cant do any of those things, that is why i am not patient.

thetaoiseasy... i hope you'll continue to share some words of encouragement and teaching from time to time here at TTB... the forum here is the closest thing i have ever had (and can foresee ever having) to an actual teacher of any art, form, style, or method of cultivating intrinsic energy and/or truth... it's why i keep coming back here, because i keep finding more gems of truth adn wisdom... If not from you, then others will drop spare change from time to time, but you have students of your own, so i wouldnt press the issue

there are jumbo jets flying over head that went over my head at a lower altitude than your words.... i would like to understand them more clearly... if possible? edit: perhaps a clearer understanding; a more direct response? What is necessary within oneself? In order for the cars/girls/money equation to work, what is the necessary component within the self to make that work? And dont say "playa" LOL

Y'know, i seem to recall our discussions last year to detail the breathing patterns and autonomous breathing as opposed to conscious awareness of autonomous breathing... anyways, it's been since about last year around april that i'd done anything with any mantras, mudras, or kujiin... i should open up the old emails and find out where i left off we had some good discussions i think. i kind of miss that. perhaps i need to find out a way of taking on a full time teacher (see what i did there? )

my day needs a damned good lilly... i think i will look around and see what we've collected in here n_n edit: ah ha, a lot of removed lillies it looks like!

It taught me to give up.... A habit I cannot find the power to break alone; had the power when I was fooled into believing I was in love, or more specifically that the girl; I believed loved me back.... But as much as I hate the song and everything it represents, I find it more true than false: Girls dont like guys, they like cars and money. I dont have car, singular, let alone cars, plural! LET ALONE any form of securing an income! Been out of work for far too long, and had far too few interviews; so since I can't LITERALLY afford a relationship, I guess I can't figuratively afford one either. So... Maybe giving up really is the problem... but it also seems like the solution at this point. But the fact of the matter is, I cannot give up on my hope that I will have a family some day.... And it kills me to death; every once in a while when I cannot suffocate it, bottle it up, push it down, or ignore it any longer... Then it is only harmful; to me and to others who try to comfort me... ... others stupid enough who think there is any way words can help cure a socioeconomic disease. edited "cure a social disease." and miscelanious typoes.

i was brought up with "you cant always get what you want", so i never expected to get anything i ever wanted. But it doesnt stop it from hurting. it doesnt mean i actually UNDERSTAND those words or the sentiment. i've tackled it all my life and never understood it, but i still try to live by it, as it is all i know: that i can never have what i want/desire. I've always tried to make do with what i have, but i have never known what was necessary; never could find need in all of reality beyond the "prerequisites of a goal"; in other words "need" is, as defined by me, the prerequisites of acquiring a desire/want. NEVER figured "need" out in my life. still dont know what is necessary.

they have a point, but they lack anything substantial to back it up. luckily they don't need to have a whole lot to back up self defense just try not to give it a bad name by adding disinformation and/or conspiracy.