BlueMonk91

Is the Tao something that always functions whether we fight against it or not, if there is only the tao, then nothing we do can take us away from it? So we still have free will, we can make our individual choices but they are still aligned with the tao because all actions/ possibilities are contained withing the tao? ...............And why does it seem humans take some joy in seeing others suffer or having a difficult time, of all the problems in the world it is the one I find most troubling and strange?

I like this............. Im gonna go play my piano carved by gods, tailor made for me, previously my rusty old yamaha

I dunno the people who set interest rates and hold all the money seem pretty powerful to me.

what is an example of a healthy sexual relationship, I only seem to read and observe the negatives?

Im left handed and right footed

sagittarius with an all fire chart almost no water, yet im extremely introvert.

If your being/inner self mirrors your external reality then what do my external experiences say about my state of being. I am 21 years old and have never had friends. Even my parent and older siblings ignore me. I opened up to my mum for the first time about my depression about two months ago and she said it was my fault and has since distanced herself from me. Sorry for the length of the post so if your not willing to read it all basically: 21 year old dude lonely and probably beyond help. I accept that something about me has caused this reality because it has been the only theme of my life. First I was verbally bullied then they would steal things from me like my coat, eventually I convinced my parents to let me move school and encountered the same. This pattern extended into high school where I was bullied to the point of having to stay in library at lunch and recess, being very good at sports never helped. Anyone I tried to befriend eventually joined in and for some reason the most frequent insult I received to my face was "nobody loves you" I heard this almost every week for the last 2 years of high school. I often read people who treat others like this often don't have self love or esteem but my experience make me question whether this is true. Eventually at 19 i made it into university and thought I would meet new mature people who don't take pleasure in someone's social problems but it was more of the same if not even more immature people saying they could tell I was a virgin and that I would die this way something I never had a real complex about until it was used as a way to mock me. The loneliness has become so excruciating that I spend most of my time outdoors walking around the city sitting outside under trees in parks because the four walls of my bedroom have become so suffocating and the deafening silence of spending everyday alone is at least partly cured by hearing birds sing. I wake up early everyday, workout make electronic music with old synthesizers and tape machines and im getting good enough grades at university to get onto a masters programme. Although I have personal interest such as music and mathematics if you have don't have people to share your time with life seems pointless. I've tried meditation, talking to strangers, asking people if they want to hang out, but I think im a hopeless now and I can't see the future I just try and get through each day. If anyone on this forum has noticed someone in their life who seems a bit shy and hesitant socially make the effort to just show them your there, because the feeling of waking up every morning knowing that your completely invisible is heartbreaking. I plan to see a councilor in the summer if I make it there. Is it all down to luck or do we have more control over the way people treat us than we realize, even at a young age? I have no hate or ill feeling towards anyone and I don't think I have ever cried about it have tried nothing comes out, I've even gone clubbing with the main group guys who tormented me throughout high school and had a good time and felt no ill feeling towards them, their friends with my housemate at uni. Is there anything to salvage at this point how can a being of internal self-pity, embarrassment, low self esteem etc change their internal feelings to affect their external life. It seems external positives give an internal positive orientation, triggering a positive cycle but maybe my understanding is mistaken. This is the post of someone who has nobody to turn to im completely open to anything positive or negative anyone has to say, any sort of human interaction has become very precious to me and if things ever improve i'll at least learn to never take human company/interaction for granted. Thanks, needed to release.

Sorry I should have been more specific, I would be volunteering in the IT or administration areas of the organization not directly involved with the people who come for help.

errr......I think i'm getting worse everyday although I manage to workout everyday and get other things done. I'm booking an appointment to see a councilor. I feel like crying everyday but nothing comes out. I applied to volunteer for an organization that helps people going through similar issues.

The name Bluemonk does refer to Thelonious monk my favourite musician. I listen to a lot of jazz and classical it provides brief moments of pleasure.

sure?

I feel ashamed too my parents can't even look me in they eyes

what would be an example of a positive seed?

Thank you.

thanks for your analogy, ideas such as finding my 'true nature' seem very distant from where I am, I am trying to just keep my head at this point. The process you describe in the last paragraph is something that maybe makes sense for someone with a degree of efficiency and self assurance in the world.

you've made your point

I've been doing exactly what you've described since the turn of the year at uni but seems like most people are socially settled at this age and are not too receptive to strangers.

I'm conscious of the suffering of others, I don't intend to 'immerse' myself as a relief it's dishonest.

Nobody as far as I know in my family suffers has suffered from depression. My dad is not around and my siblings are all much older. I'm not worried about my family anymore because there isn't much of a family to be worried out about anymore. I have too much negative energy to even consider dating, I need friendship more than anything. I've tried to introduce myself to people and get to know them but have had no luck. I don't think I have rejected anyone's company. Basically im crushed and I think seeing a councilor and doing some CBT this summer is my last chance to get out of this pit. Pit describes this too well, im scared and pessimistic.

aren't the outside and inside connected, so outside fulfillment is reflected by internal fulfillment

meditation has helped me physically i've learnt along with medical help to control my anxiety attacks

I was raised in a Christian family but I stopped going to church when I was 15. Im getting good grades but im not thinking about the future this aspect of my life will change at some point but I can't see it evolving into anything positive.

Im more of a reader on the forums than a poster but I have'nt had much of a chance to read threads lately due to growing working load at Uni, I apologise in advance if the OP becomes lengthy this is more a spur of the moment post; just expressing some thoughts............... Another thread that I read last night about a guy who is emotionally scarred as a result of a female who he thought fancied him flaking on him. One of the responses in the thread suggested that the situation was the result of deficient self worth on behalf of the OP. As I was reading this my housemate was having sex downstairs and it got me thinking about my embarrasment over being a virgin at 20 and never having a girlfriend or friends. Living with 3 other confident very sexually active people(2 guys 1 girl) has forced me to take a close look at how empty and lonely my life is. I've managed to repress these feeling for a few months by completely submerging myself in math work and electronics but the old feelings of shame are creeping back into the forefront of my consciousness. Despite the embarrasment I have over being a virgin, I intellectually understand how little of a deal it is to be a virgin at that age but im struggling to not identify with the thoughts and memories. The memories I refer to are memories of being told knowone loved me by bullies in high school and being told I would die a virgin by a girl in the same school. I had one of the strangest experiences i've ever had two weeks ago. One of my housemates is a guy I've know since high school when we were 11 we're both 20 now. He was one of my few friends in high school but towards the end joined the crowd of people who would pick on me and call me names but we made up at uni. He's still in contact with the guys who bullied me in high school(tight knit gang of guys) and two weeks ago about 5 of them came to our place to visit him to go clubbing and they invited me to go along, I chose clubbing instead of topology for once on a friday night and found myself dancing in the middle of the club to music I normally avoid, with guys who I think have no idea how tormenting their words over the years have been for me. Despite this it felt like a strange cathartic experience where any hate, jealousy, anger I had towards these people slipped away; l was observing myself beginning to see these people as just other humans with fears, hopes, dreams instead of monsters hell bent on destroying any self love that I may have during the fragile years of adolescence. I regard that whole friday night/ saturday morning as probably one of the most strangest experiences i've ever had and an experience I needed and im thankful for. I feel like a lot of internal negative feelings towards the people in my past has gone all been at or least diluted by objective understanding of the sometimes beautiful innocence of human beings you can capture if you observe as I did in the club. However I still feel like my self worth, confidence is at the same place it was when I was 15 in math class being told I was worth nothing. Due to this lack of self confidence I've never really pursued girls although they've pursued me. Females often try to talk to me but they quickly see where my self esteem is at and distance thereselves a few stay friendly however. My housemates question me and ask about my non existent romantic my life causing me to lie about being a virgin. Loneliness has become so normal to me that it is almost a friend and is becoming aloness. The funny thing about this is that my housemates all coming to me with their trial and tribulations of young adulthood life asking for advice and say they admire my simplicity, calmness and honesty but I would like to ask for advice with numerous things........ sorry for my indulgence just needed a place to release some things Thanks.

Hi. I think over the past few months my mindfulness in terms of focusing on what im doing has improved in conjunction with less meditating and more self observation and attention to new situations I would usually avoid.