BlueMonk91

lol My body an energies yearn for the feminine but I think I have to beat social awkwardness before I even think about females. I am actively exploring the roots of who I am, I think loneliness with a clear head forces you to that if you don't try to escape the loneliness.

I will try to see it that way, but is it really a practical way to live sounds like stoicism. I know im not a beta, im not really part of society. My housemate asks me why phone never rings? The same housemate frequently says jokingly that im alien visiting earth, my mum even says this but I think everyone has strangeness if you observe them in different situations. Is there a way of fitting in without comprising who your are?

I just want to be at peace. I don't want to see other people go wrong just so that I can point out how the tables have turned. Being a virgin at 20 is not really the issue although I would like that to change, the problem is identifying with the self image of an outcast my mind has adopted as a result of bad experiences. I am getting on with my life the last year have been better than ages 15-19; I talk more, smile more, but still feel nothing has changed internally, im the same scared teenager. Thanks

I think it was your post in another thread that got me thinking. Well I read and joined the forums so I can learn more about Taoism in general, it's very interesting to read about how the ideas of taoism can be understood through personal experiences, so I often read about a personal experience on the general discussions that helps me understand something in the Tao Te Ching and also helps me understand things not directly related to taoism such as Gurdjieff, William James, Krishnamurti, Spinoza etc. I feel very immature and ignorant of many aspects of life which i why I am trying to read and understand religion, divine, God etc I've already found things on this forum very helpful in terms of dealing with anxiety which I think im getting better at.

Just out of curiosity friend, how would you go about the desire of sex if your a virgin who's never even come close to physical affection, im 20 about to go in my second year of university and I can't stop thinking about it and I've been doing exactly what;s written in The Way not to do it part. You can message me if necesssary I don't want to derail another member's thread.

Thelonious Monk Eric Dolphy Bartok Schubert

Im a 20 year old male from london. I've been a loner my whole life and was bullied throughout my school years even when I switched schools. I read that I should learn to love and forgive the people who treated me like this if I want to move on." The worse memory is in my last year of high school was a guy in my class telling me nobody loves me everyday and also saying I would die a virgin, he knew nothing about me personally or my home life but for some reason chose to say this, he was quite popular so everyone laughed along with him and I couldn't really retaliate because he had older friends with violent reputations. However I struggle with this because I have never really experienced any love and just have no idea love is expressed since I have no experience in receiving love, I can't recall in 20 years of life many positive interactions with other people; bullied at school, no friends, knowone to talk to at home. Im an only child and have only ever lived with my mum. I started having anxiety attacks when I was 15 when the bullying at school was at it's most intense, my mum was ashamed of me and wouldn't even follow me to the hospital. I've just finished my 1st year of university and it's more of the same, I feel like an alien in that environment and can't seem to form friendships. I feel so alone that if any stranger innocently smiles at me on the train or anywhere in public, I hold on to it in my mind and replay it just to have something positive to hold onto during the day. How do I let go of the numerous negative memories that I replay in my head so I can learn to love myself and others. At the moment I feel like a ball of negative energy repelling other people? thanks

So change the meaning I give to my reality and the reality will adapt to the meaning?

Thanks This reminds me of gurdjieff for some reason, he said something about our lives and experiences being images of ourselves. So are you saying that one should surrender the identification one makes with their experiences?

There may be some bit to truth to this, but if im being completely honest with myself im I don't think im some rebel who has rejected society.

Im not completely sure of what your trying to say. Surely healthy cultivated people excel in society and have companionship, and getting along in society doesn't mean you have an over inflated ego ??? It seems Humans have better physical and mental health when they are more integrated into society and have companionship. Thanks

His compositions seem very natural and intuitive almost childlike. However they are notorouisly difficult to play properly in terms of replicating his amazing ear for harmony and his odd sense of rhythm. There is something about his compositions that is centering, they almost make you forget about yourself and you brake into another world. According to his biography his powers of attention and concentration were so great that he could compose whilst listening to country music loud on the radio while members of his family argued and made noise in his crowded manhattan apartment.

I've been meditating for a couple of years now and my anxiety attacks have stopped, meditating helped very quickly. As for loving myself i've tried to take an idea from the desiderata poem I read about all beings equally deserving in their place in the universe; "You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here." I however can't seem to feel that sense of worthiness..... it's a sad question but what does it feel like to actually love yourself?

I was never touched physically although threatened; im 6'3 and quite lean, but physical retaliation was never a safe option becuase the other guys had friends who were known to carry weapons. Im not in that specific situation anymore but the memories are still fresh as if it happened yesterday and I can't move on becuase if this and the fear that i'll encounter invalidation everywhere I go just makes me isolate myself.

Thanks for the replies everyone..... I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

Thanks for the replies everyone..... I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

Thanks for the replies everyone..... I spend most of my time making electronic music when im not at uni.

Hello I am a 20 year old male from london. I've been a bit of a loner all of my life up to now. Never really had close friends or girlfriends etc. I was bullied throughout school even girls would call me names and although I thought I dealt with it quite well at the time. On reflection It brings me great sadness that I look back and can't remember a happy or time or an occasion where I felt I belonged in some way. I feel as if though as though there is a negative cycle created by my experience so far. Being isolated and invalidated throughout my youth when you most want to be accepted, has turned me into a defensive person and has probably contributed to some emotional imbalance, I get the impression people are uncomfortable around me because I project my negative experiences onto them. My mum says I look both worried and as if im holding back tears all the time. Im coming toward the end of my first year at University and it's been more of the same. I've never been really bitter and angry because it's always been this way as early as I can remember just feeling like an outsider everywhere I go. Im not of those people who immediately blames other people for my problem, if the patterns in my life are consistent surely im doing something wrong and need to make a change. Basically im asking does taoism have anything to say about loneliness and how to deal with loneliness? How do you break the negative cycle and stop bringing ones negative experiences and loneliness to every encounter with a new person which prevent the possibility of friendship and possible connections. Thanks,

I've read the article thanks. So it suggest that the things we crave friendship, acceptance, closeness etc are just distraction from the truth and the fear of death of non being. I think this week in particular i've felt worse everyday and I think im approaching a real bout of depression for the first time; despite this I don't think my state of mind is coloured mainly by an existential anxiety. I've simply had negative experience after negative experience continously since early childhood, I can't suppress the sadness anymore and the memories are so fresh. I just feel cursed and stuck. If friendships, money, power, fame etc are distractions that we need to overcome not by ignoring and discarding but by not falling in love with, surely we need to experience what it is like to have those things in varying proportions to realise that we shouldn't fall in love in love with these things. If one is deprived of these things then that person will become obesessed with them and is probably more in love with them than the person who has them in abundance. Sorry if my writing is hard to follow just trying to understand.

Thanks for all the suggestions and replies. I will try to understand all these things as best as I can. This is the first time i've reached a real low point where I feel like just giving up despite living this way virtually all my life up to now. I go back to uni on sunday but only for three weeks before we finish for the summer. I think im just going to give it a go and start talking to people regardless of any possible outcome, nothing to lose I guess.

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate this post. I sense what your saying, feel free to correct me if im wrong is that my loneliness is an illusion because of the idea of one. The separation between myself and other things only occur in the mind. I understand this view and can see how we are all connected but it some ways I feel accepting this advocates being apathetic towards the way I feel and the way i've been living. I understand what your trying to say but im not clear on how one should approach it or if one should even do anything? Also at this moment in time developing friendships or getting a girlfriend seem like another world away. I have too much negative energy supressed and I think people can sense that. So at the moment I just want to take baby steps learn how to cope with the way I feel and decrease the bitternes, fear and negative energy that i've accumalated over the years.

How do you learn to love yourself when you have no experience of memories of love. Do I find have to find some way of developing a sense of self worth in isolation from others before I can learn to become open. I think I need to find some way of letting go of all the memories of bullying and being laughed at day after day at school, before I can see myself as a "leader of one". I try to look at it that way sometimes but it feels so inauthentic because deep down I just want to be accepted which I think is a basic human need.

Hello all, I basically want some advice as to how I should begin to integrate taoism into my daily life through meditation and study. I've been reading the Tao Te Ching and I Ching for a couple of years now but I've never meditated, do you need meditation?. Im 20 years old studying philosophy at university, I was raised as a christian but never really followed it. In the last few years I've really become interested in various religions because I sense something is missing in my life as if there is something out there or part of reality that im not acknowledging. I've learnt valuable things from most religions but I've found taoism particularly striking but im a bit lost in terms of where to begin and proceed from simply reading the texts. Also is it better to study something like the Tao Te Ching analytically and try to pick apart the meaning or is it better to simply take in the text and let your subconscious and intuition do the work or is it a combination of both. Thanks

Thanks great article. My maternal grandmother died at the end of last year aged 106, she had 7 children. She was never ill, could walk and talk etc sounds like she unconsciously applied seems of the things in that article.