Adam B.

I'm sincerely in need of some serious help. I've been to three different doctors practicing western medicine and two different naturopaths to try to diagnose my problem, but none of them seem to be able to find whats wrong. According to blood tests everything seems normal but I feel very old and feel like I'm dying and i'm only in my late 20s. I've unfortunately been masturbating and ejaculating since I was 10. As I got older I started to masturbate and ejaculate more frequently. From teenager years to early 20s I was ejaculating at least 3 to 6 times a day. Sometimes even 10 times in one day to the point my head and body was completely numb. I was really addicted to pornography from the Internet and was really depressed growing up so masturbating and porn was a way to relieve myself. It has become a vicious, painful and destructive cycle. After ejaculating I would feel really bad and feel life forced drained, I would feel guilty and hate myself. Then after I would tell myself never again, yet fall back into the same cycle. I'm currently 27 now and I think everything has finally caught up, I feel really old and feel like i'm dying quickly and need some serious help. Some current symptoms: - I've lost massive weight, I use to be a healthy weight but lost over 20 lbs. It's just last year that has been really serious. All my friends and family members think I look like an old skinny man and anorexia. My face is completely sunken in and my chest is sunken in so that my rib cage, sternum, and bones all show. I lost a lot of muscle mass and fat. I basically look like an old skinny drug addict. But I don't do any drugs and eat a lot and a lot of food. But still not gaining anything back. I feel somehow that the frequent ejaculation has eaten away at my own flesh/fat and now there is almost nothing left. A recent test at the doctors revealed that I have very very low body fat, I think it was only 9% total body fat compare to the healthy average person that is suppose to be at least 18% for men. - My hands, feet and entire body is almost always cold. Even if I eat warm food it will turn back cold after. I really really dislike cold weather, wind and even when it's warm out I feel cold. I don't remember feeling like this when I was younger. I always need to over dress to keep decently warm, yet still have cold hands and feet. It's so sad that I feel I can't go out most of the time because feel so weak and vulnerable to the weather. - I have really bad allergies to the point I can't open my eyes, my nose is running like crazy and I just can't focus. It feels my liver is exhausted. Allergies seems to be extreme sensitivity to environment, pollution, dust, sugar and other certain foods - I get frustrated and angry really really easily - My hair is turning white, I have never had white hair before but now it seems like multiplying like crazy - I feel scared to meet people and to go out, I feel I lack willpower and the ability to make decisions - I get weird head pressure, like blood stuck in my head and nose and also frequently get nose bleeds - My skin is very dry throughout entire body, my nose is dry, and mouth is dry - Breathing is sometimes difficult, nose is almost always blocked from stuffy or runny nose - Heart palpatations sometimes - Body feels very weak, I can barely lift or do anything without feeling some pain or body shaking - My memory, ability to think, be creative and overall brain power seems to have diminished, I feel so stupid and senile. I remember when I was young I was really bright, quick and fast to think - It's very hard to be excited and happy about anything. I feel like life is so gray even on a bright sunny day. It's almost as if I'm losing the will to live I've been in serious depression, crying and searching desperately for help and solution to problem. It seems all the healthy food I try to eat or excercises to gain weight are not helping at all. I feel like I'm running out of options. To be frank and honest I'm scared of dying and scared of feeling and being old. If there is someone out there who can offer advice or help of any sort. Perhaps possible chi kung practice, meditation, herbs, herb formulas, healing, medical help, or anything else please let me know. Thank you sincerely for your time and help.

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hey everyone thank you for your continued support and help Yes, if there is a moderator or admin please check our ips to verify. I don't think i've ever met Tulku before at least not in this life time. Though Tulku thank you again for being who you are and having wrote what you did, it literally has changed the direction of my life. Everything that happened was real, I'm not here to play games and waste so much time writing all this. I sincerely needed help. With the good turn of things I feel so blessed and wanted those who are in the same shoes to be able to find some help. Maybe the mantras will work for you, maybe not. But there were also many other great suggestions, advice and exercises to do and take that others have contributed so please explore them all. Like life, there are many paths, and choices, just as there are many religions and martial arts and chi kung practices. None are ultimately right or wrong, but all seem to take to the same place. The mantra out of the blue work at the unexpected moment. and I think the most incredible things usually work like that when it is the most unexpected, least expect, where the mind does not concieve, life brings a surprise. I can't believe many are so skeptical, I understand where you are coming from though. As things that seem too good to be true, and yes there is a lot of bs out there. But honestly every word I write, even now I'm writing from my heart. I wish you could be there to see what happened, I don't want to sound like a spirtiual or religious freak, but after what I experienced I'm a believer, there is definitely way more out there then what meets the eye. Based on the comments I'm feeling people may be really stuck in their way of thinking, like the world can only this way or so and so because I read and perceived it that way, or experienced it that way. That I see the world from a tibetian perspective, a taoist, a scientific, or whatever it may be. We get so caught up in the knowledge we read and the reality bubble we create that we forget to accept all possiblities. Didn't someone like socrates once say to know is to not know? I think he alluded that we have to remind ourselves to have a sense of wonder in the world like children. Where anything is possible, new, unexpect, etc. They also have a similar saying about having the mind completely empty and not full. I've been through a lot of pain and suffering with the sexual addiction and was at very low point and was pretty much knocking on death's door. Then the miracle even't with the mantra. I'm not saying it cured, though I hope it did. Its only been a day so far. But so far things have been greatly improving. Im not from a tibetan background and don't believe in mantras by the way, but it was wonderful how life used mantras as way to show me other possiblities to respect all other aspects of life. That life doesn't just come in the way I think it does, but can come in many infinite ways that the mind can never dream or conceive. Just an update, not much but today I finally met the girl I was talking about and we just chatted up like old friends and it was a really good couple hour chat and walk around a park. I was scared to have a conversation and felt like there was good bonding and friendship in a communication way. Before it was so difficult to have conversations with people, thats if I could even get to the scenario of chatting with people. I would always not be fully focused, worried or self concisence. However today I also had a negative thing, my allergies were still pretty bad and I couldn't breath. I don't know if this is a side effect of whats happening or something I ate, but my chest felt really tight and breathing passage really tight, as if I had ashma and the whole day felt it really hard to breath, just gasping for air. My pulse has also slowed down. Above all if there is any summary for what I've learnt so far I would have to say is: Fearless. Live life fearlessly, the biggest obstacle is our mind which seems to be where the fear comes from. Be fearless and you will live in freedom, even in the midst of pain and suffering and being bothered by the hard breathing, I was fearless in the sense that I accepted the moment of what life offered and in that acceptance I somehow found peace. And then it came to pass and now I'm able to breath more easy now. I dont want to sound like i'm throwing philosophies out there or ideologies, sorry if I'am. Just take it for what it is, if it rings true to your heart then may it bless you, if not then move on and may you find what works for your way! I will keep you guys posted and bring up any challenges that come, and hope this place continues to be a place of healing and help. Again thank you to everyone out there who has been offering help, support and advice. You guys feel like my angels and brothers, honestly I feel so blessed. Thank you again.

Everyone, thank you so much again for your time and help. I feel so blessed from the incredible feedback and help from everyone. Thank you so much, my heart and spirit is in deep gratitude to you! I pray and hope that those who go through this forum or whatever path they take will find healing I just wanted to keep everyone posted: Yesterday night, I had a really difficult time to sleep. My body was itchy all over, felt like bed bugs and mites were all over. I never had this issue before. And my neck, particular right front side of neck was itching often. I also felt certain unease in the body at certain points. But I'm hoping all this is the detox or body fixing itself. Despite being up for most of the night and lack of deep sleep. I'm still feeling energized today. I still feel bright and clear and fearless, although not as fearless as yesterday. There is just this subtle energy and confidence. The most interesting thing I noticed is that I don't feel anger or frustration?! Every day upon waking and the whole day I was be so gloomy, angry and frustrated at everything for no reason. Today I saw mom and said hi!, I almost never say hi to anyone, I wished her well and hugged her! At this moment I felt deep relieve and felt for some reason my hatred or boundary towards women is not there anymore. Now looking back I was so scared of women before, so scared I couldn't talk to my mom or anybody who was a female. Then a crazy thing happened, I checked my phone and there was a txt from a girl I haven't seen for almost a year. She's not my ex, girlfriend or anything, just a girl who is a friend of a friend of mine. I use to always hate the girl and we would get into conflicts and misunderstanding. But today she messaged me out of the blue, and I was so joyful to hear from her. I wanted to meet and greet her, and hug her and forgive her for everything! We plan to meet up today just to catch up, i'll keep you posted on how this goes. This morning I stood outside on the grass. It felt like I've never done this before and was just listening to the birds in the morning and breathing in the morning air, it felt so rejuvenating. My auntie called me today and out of no where asked if I was up to anything this summer. I told her no, I would be more than happy to help her take care of her donut shop if she was going somewhere for the summer. She works really hard and has never gone anywhere for so many years. She laughed and said no,no I dont need you to take care of my shop, I want you go on a trip with me. A vacation! Immediately I said yes! Now if you know me, I would be the person to say no! I would come up with excuses, and feel I have work, pressure, and all this other crap! but for some reason I felt confident and happy to say yes! to just keep my aunt company and spend time and enjoy a trip with her. This is what has happened so far. In terms of anything negative, it would be doubts and my mind. At times my mind would flip on a sexual image, or a horror image of scary beings. I would immediately repeat the VajraKilaya mantra and it would subside. But there is also ideas in my mind of doubting the mantra, doubting that all these good things can happen. Yet deep inside my heart I feel this knowing or confidence that all is well and somehow its my choice to suffer or not. I'm trying my best to go with the flow and see how things go. Someone asked about what my diet and lifestyle was, okay here goes: DIET Ironically the addiction to sex brought me through knowledge, health etc. Each time I sunk lower from getting drained I would go out and fight harder to find a solution. This led me from the normal north american diet of fast food, processed food to vegetearian, to frutarian, to vegan, to raw food. Each diet made me feel better and seemed to heal me. But each time I got better the huge sexual urge would come back and I would unfortunately waste it all again. It got to the point where it didn't matter what my diet was I was so skinny, drained and felt like an old man. Felt like no food can heal me, thus my desperation and search for help and led me to this forum. Now I eat pretty much anything. There are a few things i don't consume though: No soft drinks, pop, coffee, milk or alcohol. In terms of liquid I only consume home made juice (blended fruits/veges), soups, and natural spring water. I went from drinking tap water but always had dry cough from the chlorine, then switched to evian, fiji and all the so called high class bottled water. It was way too expensive and they all still taste somewhat lifeless or had plastic taste. Then finally somehow I got connected to the right knowledge (www.findaspring.com) and drank natural spring water and so far it has been awesome. This was revealed to me from the doctors I went to. Despite my sexual drained condition, my water level was perfect ph balance of 7, water level in body was perfect etc. I think I can only attribute it to the natural spring water. I also rarely get thirsty now. In terms of food I don't consume candy, chips, cookies and rarely consume cakes/muffins etc. Its the odd ocasion where its someone bday, part that I would eat a bit of cake or sweets. I wish I could drink milk and consume dairy products, but for some reason I think i'm allergic or my body doesn't react well. I get running nose, mucous etc. I've been trying to find raw, grass fed cow milk and products. LIFESTYLE I use to do a lot of sports, biking, basketball, baseball, volleyball etc. But each sport brought so much injuries. As I got older the body seemed less flexible and took way longer to heal. So I pretty much stopped all sports. Also as my sexual addiction grew worst I was way too weak to play any sports or engage in any physical activities. The only exercise I do are walks, sometimes light walk, sometimes long ones and hiking in nearby parks and conservation areas. I love nature, I have an affinity to it. Depsite my allergies and weakness to the elements from sexual exhasution I love nature. I feel its peace, and like the greenary. I like trees, I like flowers, the sky, birds, etc its all so peaceful and feels healing. But there are times when I'm so deluded that it seems not even nature can help. Bruce Lee, martial arts I was a big fan of all this. Then the compeitive, and egotistic side of it led me to interest in internal arts like yoga, tai chi, chi kung. It was mainly just reading and barely having enough time to practice and experiment. It was basically work, work work, then sexual lust, then sleep and rinse and repeat. I would be so stressed and drained from work and life that I went to masterbation and porn to relief the issue, but it got worst everytime. And to the point where I had to stop work, couldn't work anymore and felt like I was in the death bed because of so little energy, so much stress, so much suffering. I wanted to try to learn stuff like farming, gardening to grow my own food and be self sustainable. But my sexual curse always made me feel lack of motivation and no energy to do it. My lower back and core muscles seem really weak, when I bend over or stand for long my body would shake because it feels my muscles are not strong enough, and knees seem to be weak too. Especially after ejaculation my knees and legs would literally drop and I could barely stand. I work in the media industry so its very stressful, its always about deadlines and making things seem fake and beautiful. The creative aspect is what made me love it, to have fun and create, but I hate it because of the lies it creates, the pressure, the stress, the deadlines and the excessive use of computer and digital equipment which seems to suck my life source at times, especially the eyes. Now I'm pretty much getting by and living on the small amount of savings left. I do some minor freelance work in the media field and have just enough for food and rent. I've been too weak and scared to try new things and to do any other jobs from sexual exhaustion. THINGS DONE TO ADDRESS ISSUE IN PAST: It seems like i've tried everything. From eating healthy, to do chi kung excercises like the 8 directions and 12 nerve excercises. Massages like rub kidney and liver area. Refrain from computer usage and triggers. But all the damn ads on the internet have ridiculous sexually provacative ads, half the women in the city dress so slutty (i don't blame women as it may not be their fault, it may be influence from media, other people, education, culture etc) half the content on the net from music videos to movies all contain the triggers. I've read many sources on the Internet, from people trying stuff like herballove products to the scienfic reason behind mastrubation, porn, addiction, to those who were from porn turning to Christ, finding a girlfriend, or seeing masturbation as healthy. To chi kung sexual exercises like the deer and semen retention. But they didn't seem to work the urge to ejaculate would still come and it seemed like with chi kung sexual knowledge my deluded mind/evil spirits abused that knowledge and made things worst. I got a girlfriend to try to have real sex, but all that seemed like temporary help and didn't cure the real sex demon or craving. I was having porn fantansies and cravings and wanted to act out stuff I saw on the Internet. I was having sex with her and wanted to use her like an object and to act out fantasties I saw on porn, and I was masterbating and ejaculating to both. It was basically destructive and there was no love. Even though I try to feel love it was all about the sexual lust. I hope I didn't corrupt her and our relationship. But after the miracle yesterday I feel all that will change. The first thing I want to do is hug her sincerely, heart to heart and really love her and apologize for my delusion in the past.

hi new here and seeking help thanks

and Right now I feel so clear minded!! I feel so strong and I feel fearless! My body is warm now All this is happening right now, no joke I felt like there was a dark cloud around my head and body for the longest time, now I feel its open and clear and I actually feel happy but in a very subtle way. I feel so greatful! It's like i'm breathing properly now and feel like there are no obstacles in the way thank you! thank you!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! TULKU!!! holy shit holy shit!!!! I just did what you recommended, after reading what you said I immediately youtubed; Vajrakilaya mantra I immediately listened and sang the mantra then all of sudden some crazy shit happened!!! my body felt like it was possessed and I started to barf out air, my tongue stuck out and I felt something leave! I immediately shouted and prayed in the name of lord shive and jesus all sexual spirits and evil spirits leave me now, leave this body, leave this mind, soul, spirit and home and never come back and then my body clasped hand together in prayer and the image of the blue being from Vajrakilaya mantra (who is that by the way?) i asked the blue being from the Vajrakilaya mantra to protect me from all evil spirits and demons I kept that image stuck in my head and then all of sudden my body started to move like the blue being, and moved its hands out and breathed out loud and muscous came out of my nose, breathed heavily again, I felt like the spirit of death or a guardian or something and then it subsided and here i'am writing this to you now!! if this works, my god, thank you thank you!! i'm just getting bitched at by my mom now, shes asking why i'm i playing a mantra and is freaked out