Tao Gweyn

Boy, isn't the path just amazing? My experience has taken me places that I would have never imagined before finally bringing me to the point where I realized how important a walk is. And I started walking with everything I have. A several months ago my walk was at "its highest point yet" and I found myself constantly seeking to be a sacrifice for others. After taking in a homeless man before the cold winter in minnesota, usa came, I started to notice a decline in my consciousness, my control over the mind, the re-emergence of lust, the use of self-gratification as a form of escape from the bordom, and worst of all television series addiction (on the computer). It is important to outline what has lead to all of this, and what I have been doing about it, as breifly as I can... 3 years ago I started showing serious signs of "mental illness" which grew stronger and stronger to the point of running away from home without even finishing college. I blamed everyone, and life got terrifyingly difficult. All of a sudden as if grace lifted my burden I got into a housing subsidy and started recieving food stamps. This freedom was wonderful, but at the same time opened doors that were not there before. Having nothing to do without any worries. Complete free time. Too many things happened to go into, but I started walking a spiritual path, many more things happen, and then we get back to the homeless man moving in here. I do not want to discount the work that I am still doing. My spiritual understanding (if you will) has never stopped growing, once it starts, it has not even slowed down, I am so on to all the tricks my mind has, yet I keep falling for the same tricks, even when I see them very clearly. The mind doesn't even bother anymore to try and talk me into it;;; I just cannot find the words to truly explain this frustrating situation;; truly its like sometimes I just say screw it to my willpower and let lust do whatever, or bordom lead me to spending all day on the computer... And that leads me to what I really need to know... What is someone supposed to do with 24/7/365 of nothing to do and almost nothing to worry about? It has lead me to complacency with where I am, laziness is very strong now, unless the benefits are good enough. I don't even go outside much amymore (seems my roommate has had that impact on me, he never goes outside except for work, and he is on the depressed side...) but no one truly is to blame except for my mind. My second question is that present moment awareness is amazing and it is easy to get into that, however some situations, like sitting inside all day, or waiting for a bus, or waiting in general, lead to becoming VERY sick of the present moment. Sometimes my mind finds the present moment so boring in fact, it has even turned to drug use to escape. How can someone who has nothing to do make the present moment still fun to be in? What does someone do? What is there to do? Where do I start?

Funny you should word it that way. I find working, making money (beyond the amount you need to live, even if its just a little), working out (more than the daily exercise, like body building), the list goes on, but the people who engage in these activities do not see it as a waste of time, only people like me do. What I don't consider a waste of time is spiritual work of any kind. Its just I burned myself out by doing too much of it. But now I want to get back into it, but the all pervasive issues are keeping me from being able to move forward spiritually: ~Loneliness I don't know where to go to meet people like me, especially in the suburbs with no daily activities that engage others ~The need to find someone to share my Love for, perhaps this is not somethign that I can strive for as it will come when its ready, but it fills a lot of the thoughts I do have ~Lust (a new old struggle, resurrected after 3 years of being dead) ~No daily rutine, which may help with the bordem ~No friends ~Extranged from family (not so much anymore, but I haven't seen them in years, and only talk on the phone once in a rare while) ~A strange living situation that prevents me from being able to work a paying job ~Very little money to do anything with (like buy art supplies) since most of it goes to paying internet, phone, electricity, and court fines from something I did long ago ~Non-conducive space-- people can say all they want about how the space you are in doesn't and shouldn't effect the good work, but I feel it truly does! Mechanical sounds all day from God knows what (my ears are my most sensitive sense, I cannot pull my awareness away from it unless I turn my consciousness off), loud traffic, heavy pollution from the 3M world headquartes down the street, heavy car pollution, ELF towers, Chem Trails, Shit Food, Shit Water, Shit Air, no nature unless you have a car to drive 25 miles, negitive energies from your neighbors who are closer than one likes to think about to your sacred space, the prevalence of demons in the astral plane effecting you every day (I can see the astral plane I believe when I focus on my third eye, its a lot easier when deeply relaxed and in the dark) its disgusting... ~No one to talk to anymore who knows about spiritual things, so I end up talking to my self, my cat or my roommate, my roommate is the only one that can offer anything new and most of the time he has no idea about what I am speaking of. Maybe I just have a really negitive attitude. Just 4 months ago, I was so blissful that none of this stuff brought me down, it bothered me YEs, it did, but it didn't make me depressed. (I made this list more to help myself, but I thought I'd post it to maybe help others in the future who search for this topic... I have been helped in this way many times from this forum)

I guess the symbols that I used are not adequate. But yes, I feel that we came together for a reason! Our minds conjured each other to engage here; The collective mind is responsible for the tyranny that we live in, and the poison in our air, food, and water. The hardest part is accepting this as something that we cannot change; doing the best we can to find the most healthy choices, and move to a higher need, instead of getting stuck in such basic needs (TPTB want people to become obsessed with their lowest needs that they never pursue higher ones)

By awakening, I refer to finally realizing why we are living, and also "awakening" the consciousness, instead of walking around in a trance like the whole american population is. Right now I am feeling I have to defend myself; as I mentioned in a prior post I made my situation sound worse than it really is, since I did not mention anything that I am doing that is still "good". The good news is that you are a manifestation of my mind, and that even though you are making me feel insequre, you are pointing out a flaw within me, yet again. Thank you.

Good evening. I have visited this forum from time to time in my journey, finding answers to my questions, to which I am very grateful, but now my path finally leads me to post here, for which I am grateful. Posting here was a requirement in order to post elsewhere, and so here I am. Hello.

I re-read what you quoted, and I have to admit it doesn't sound at all what I meant. I am really bad at turning whatever it is that is in my head into words. But as far as my pride, it keeps showing me how much more "advanced" or whatever, not like it can be measured, control over the mind and also all that I know about everything. Of all of the voices in my mind, my pride gets me almost every time because I identify with it so much it doesn't have to be sneaky. And well look at that, that sounds like pride braging about itself. LOL

I posted it all over the place because I am anxious to get an answer. These addictions keep burning me, no matter how many times I learn my lesson, that and each forum has a different set of people, each with their own unique views and thus perhaps more than one look at implementing a solution. And yes, my whole life prior to my awakening was spent chasing after the next thing. Always learning, always seeking, always questioning. Even with complete free time, I never take time to lay down and relax. I don't know why I just can't relax. I mean I can, its just it feels like wasted time, or so my mind tells me.

Techniques have been difficult for me to implement. I try some techniques with no success, and then perhaps a month later I have an experience and realize that is what the technique was pointing to, but it took experience to be able to replicate that state of consciousness. As to the 3 techniques you mentioned, I have never heard of them, of course they may be simmilar to some that I have tried, though I could not be certian. Ever moment is spent in self-observation if that is what you meant by "self-inquiry", I feel my OP was a little more brutal than is true. Though of course that last sentance was prompted by fear of you thinking less of me because I am not as good as you, and pride in all that I have accomplished "over mear mortals"... so don't think much of it.