WillingToListen

I walked out on my job last october. Started to find myself within isolation. Had a kundalini "arousal"(I don't think it was a 'full' one, i didn't have spontaneous mudras and stuff). Became very content with the life I was living and loved going out and helping others. Then I started having these "rolling epiphanies" about lots of things. Now, I've just been so depressed for the last few months. I feel like I can't do anything I used to be so creative and I loved writing stories and poems, now I can barely think of a line if my life depended on it I really need to get a job, but I've become so discouraged by the turndowns(prior criminal history) and just the overall seemingly downward spiral that has been my life for the past few months. I only had a few friends left when my awakening first started, now I have none. It's like I only exist on the internet My parents are losing the house, I've no money, car, job or resources. Often I just want to die and I just lay around in this sad stupor that I can't seem to climb out of, I absolutely hate not being able to write anymore. It's bad enough society views me as useless, now I can;t help but to share the same viewpoint. My life is worthless now :( :( :( I lost the only thing I held dearly. My art, my music. Oh god it;s terrible. I used to cry so much, now I just feel like this husk of a human. I've been isolated from people for months and my own creative sparks for longer. I'm so sad guys, I really want it back, really really bad. Now im crying. why cant i just do what i want. why isnt my brain mine anymore a guy told me that kundalini clears karma, so does that mean i just earned it all back. theres so many things i really wanted to do and now they seem impossible. im scared to even continue the path because i feel like if i get any farther away from humanity ill just die ir go crazy. my hightened senses are dulling now because i dont entertain them i guess thats good, now it doesnt feel like the landlines ringing inside my head anymore and i can finally concentrate on whats right in front of me instead od seeing everything in the room at once why is this so hard why cant i be happy i just wanted simple things now im 24 and i feel like all my oportunities are passing me by. im scared im scared its going to be this way forever if it is il just kill myself because i cant live with that with this

Because that's how things work here, that kind of freedom is nonexistent. I don't feel like being bothered by any of it, i don't it- so why should I.be made to suffer it the same as those who actually care about any of this. I just woke up and I just want to sleep. It's funny waiting tables when you don't care about money.

Because I know the things expected of me.

I think that's where we differ, I legitimately couldn't care less about any of this anymore. It's scary to an extent, but i don't care. No goals besides dying. I hate having to live it's stupid. I'm sick of going through the motions.

What are you talking about? I prayed a couple times and smoked weed and this happened. I wasn't trying to bend time or questing for superpowers. Dabble in what? Electricity swimming through my brain almost blocking off my air. Living is such a burden, for nothing. I can't help but to have this knowing in me that has quit living already. There is nothing more I want physically or spiritually. Nothing else I want to know/learn/try/experience, I'm quite done. Suicide seems so drastic but there literally isn't anything else to do. From now on I'll only allege fortunate states of being to an active kundalini. Who cares. I'm just fed up with waking up everyday for no reason. I don't want any of this.

Precisely. I care not anymore. I'm over this realm. I can't help but to sound juvenile when I say 'I've lived enough, I'm sick of life', but I feel that way- and I have for awhile honestly, maybe 6th grade. I just don't care anymore. I wanted a girlfriend/wife for so long, now I just don't care anymore. I've been around women enough to know, I've been around men enough to know, I just don't care for any of it anymore, or anything else here really. The whole emotional rollercoaster- I don't care anymore. Seeing the sights and sounds of places afar- I don't care anymore. Meeting new people, trying new things/food, I don't care. I just couldn't care less about all of it. Not really aggressive at all, just a heavy passive I don't care about anything though. The birds are cool, trees are wise. I don't know, I don't even care about relationships anymore, I know the ins and outs- I found the wave anyway, it tends to fulfill most of my wants. I feel like such an alien at work and out about with people/acquaintances. I just don't care about any of it. I work for no reason but to give the appearance i'm working for something to people/my parents. People all around me care so much, I feel them- I just don't care anymore. When not helping others(the few/little times I do) I'm just doing nothing somewhere lost in the wave. I don't do anything, I just want to die finally. The same themes keep playing and I see what it is, I can't stand it- I feel like I'm trapped, because I am. I wanted to write a book since forever, at a point I felt I could- then with k's unsolicited help I realized what books really were, and I just want to leave. It's not fair. I feel like I'm dying when I go outside. People look at me and catch it and I hate it, it just feels like I'm dying and I don't care about anything. I can't help it

It's not something I'm doing on purpose, It's just kind of happening.

I've noticed this, but can't really find a way to integrate into my music or writing. Would be wonderful if I could ^__^ I hope I won't be punished any further for raising the energy in a few others, some have gotten themselves into trouble, I don't say much anymore.

Interesting

I couldn't care less about immortality.

You're probably right.

Besides things like not lying and some visualization techniques, what are the methods of doing this? It interests me, because this is where a lot of my problems were coming from, as I learned most of the time that i was dealing with emotions of those who live with me and not my own, nearly as much as i thought i was. I would be very grateful for any solid advice ^__^ ***I wasn't going to make a thread, because I said I wouldn't. But this important to me and no one answered when I posed it within another thread.

Since my "K-arousal", I can't bring myself to be passionate about something. It seems that now I am more aware of how some things work so I'd be ignorant not to acknowledge that and be content with much more than i was before. But it seems I'm just content to shrivel up and die here. I can't find the "fire" I used to have when making music. All my illustrious careers of past have sort of turned into vapor and sailed on. Why can't I care about anything? I've been trying and it's like I don't care about music anymore, I don't even like most of what I used to listen to. Alot of the time when I listen to music loudly or try to sing, it makes my brain feel funny(not in a good way, but it doesn't hurt). My mental processes feel like they've slowed down a lot. When problematic situations arise, I'm very composed and it's like I "see the truth" of the matter and a lot of times that leaves me with nothing to say about what's happening, I'm far less opinionated. A lot fo the people I associate with now are 3 to 4 years younger and I'm starting to feel like a shallow imbecile. Not many things make me happy that used to. Seeing a baby/animal and getting to speak to it makes me really happy, I don't really care for anything on television/most of popular culture. I feel like I can't even level on many things with people my age. My non-existent love life is threatening to never happen now. I over think everything it seems. I'm overly critical of myself and its like I can't change it. Atleast all the dogs I come across love me... Most of the time what i feel about people tends to be correct, and a lot of the time it stresses me out in some way. I call it "the wave" and only one other person i've known is "tuned in" to it. Peoples true intentions tend to float to the top of conversation, like a lie detector i can't turn off. I try not to help people as much as I did when it first started, because it seemed like it back fired and made me suffer for a while. But people still reach out and ask for help from me, many other people have blocked me off- I guess for acting "crazy" And recently when I look at people in their eyes its like i can see into their hearts, like i get these "thoughts" about things that are going on with them in thier life, maybe they're nothing but my own pre-conceived notions about the person, but they seem to be accurate more than half of the time. I feel blank. I feel like I'm not me. Nothing that used to make me happy does. I feel like a mannequin with a heart. I want my life back. I need to quit smoking weed, and I need to start retaining, but I just don't care. I don't like being alive right now and not for the last months- passively

Thank you very much! I'm excited to see someone post something other than an mco exercise- a exercise that does not sit very well with me at all :/ As far as the law of attraction goes, I've learned a bit by experience over this last year. It's not so much a matter of not knowing of it, but a matter of still acting accordingly to it under the stress of certain circumstances

^__^

I'm doing much better, emotionally. I'm starting to be able to really talk to people again. Before, regardless of mood, I always felt sort of detached from the situation. I'm making money working, which is keeping my parents happier. I've started to get more active/going outside much more often. Music/creativity is still pretty rough, but it's something (maybe the only thing) that I'm not willing to give up on yet. Thank you all for your help, especially those who've taken up correspondence with me on this site!! ^__^ I didn't think about dying/suicide once today! That made me happy.

I mean, I figured someone in this thread would know.

Libra, people say they can tell ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

How does one go about mastering their intuition and emotional/energetic sensitivity?

Hi everyone, I've reached a breaking point. I can't do this anymore. Today I start a new life again. I have a few questions, When I was practicing celibacy still, I felt like I was literally operating in a higher plane, so now that I no longer have that 'clean streak' my mind feels 'lower' to the ground. I don't know, I had these 'rolling epiphanies' throughout every day but now they seem to almost never happen now that I am not celibate again. My vocabulary and general understanding of some things also seem to 'constrict' at times while at others overflowing. Does celibacy have that much influence over brain function? I know everyone has to walk their own path. I've fought this K experience so much. The only time when I can really 'feel good' or content is when I'm helping someone. I think I went through a bit of ego death at a point, more than I realized at the time, so now I feel odd a lot of the time during conversation. I just can't seem to rejuvenate that interest in material things, or even making music (the only thing I cared about). This hurts me a lot. I don't know exactly when it got bad, but at some point I really started wanting out of life. I still don't care at all about television programming, buying new things, clothes, having money, eating, my hygiene(myself), video games, reading, making a living 'american dream'. I've become so dissatisfied with so many facets of my life, that I really don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want any of this. It's really hard to speak to people sometimes, sometimes I'll just go completely blank. Like I care for them but not for anything that they're talking about- a lot of people I've felt take offense to it, It's just so trivial. This is not good. I'll be 25 at the end of the year and society expects things of me, goals that I am fairly far away from- I don't really have any of them accomplished, and all of this 'reflects on my character' every day, and I'm a felon. I don't care about this place. So now I find myself completely at odds with this new life I've started, I can't be 'normal' and I can't even be/do what I really want to, music. I just feel really unmotivated and empty all the time, I don't know if its the same emptiness everyone rants about but it sucks. It's so hard to care about anything 'material' or 'selfish'. This is what scares me more than anything else has, I don't want to feel like I'm so separate from everything and everyone/like nothing matters- for the rest of my natural life. So I'll just throw my life away and help others, my life fell apart somewhere these last months and I don't think it'll ever be anything like I wanted/want. At a point towards the beginning of this whole spiritual experience, my main drive was to help others/be 'saintly'. That didn't end well, although it started off rather nicely. Since nothing is the same, I think I'm going to go for the 'saintly' direction again, that was when i felt the best this past year. I think it'd be good for me and I might as well be of use to someone if I can't even get my own life together, I want the little balance I did have in life, back. I lost all faith. I've gotten my sleep schedule back on, improved my diet and am slowly easing back into some of my previous practices. I'm thinking of incorporating some things from this system. Does anyone have any experience with chrism? http://www.kundaliniawakeningsystems1.com/index.html#.UbiYjZyUdUY I'd also really like to work on my empathic abilities, not only strengthening them but gaining control over it so I can do better about keeping a lid on it in certain situations. I know you can only help people that want to be helped, and I feel like there's times where you can try to help someone and still end up hurting them. I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't want to give up on life. I don't want superpowers. I just want a life that I enjoy living. **I think a lot of the people who've experienced kundalini that I read about online were liars.

You didn't add anything to the discussion nor did you address the questions I posed. I am a male as I'm sure you are aware, but okay ^__^

Could you please stop now? I don't care about these KAP people you worship, as I've stated before. I don't even agree with the way they treat kundalini. You aren't coming off to me as an experienced practitioner, nor as someone who's trying to 'help'. If you're going to keep commenting it'd be nice of you to answer one of the questions I asked in my original post, or did you not read it? Correction: My last thread for a while. You would probably be less frustrated if you payed less attention to me ^__^

Stop already. I prefer Yogiraj over him.

That's kind of encouraging

Sorry I don't share your same definition of 'success' with kundalini. Another difference between myself and those who have done this 'KAP' system is that they are actually trying to have a kundalini awakening. I wasn't then, nor am I now. To me 'success' with my kundalini would be me enjoying life again as I did a year ago. I don't care about fighting people or 'using the force'. The only thing I'm trying to attain is control over my life/emotions. It seems like everyone here wants superpowers so bad, I ignored a decent amount of suggestions because I felt many had the air of "I want telepathy, eye lasers and a spandex suit"- that info wouldn't suit me, because I don't care.