WillingToListen

Yea, I've been through enough to know by now. You are also making some pretty sweeping generalizations there Vmarco, even during the height of my 'Christianity' I held none of those beliefs.

What are your sources for this information? It sounds like new age misinformation. I was really worried about the the state of world affairs and the 'approaching end of the world', but- there's nothing new under the sun.

I'll check i out then. One more thing. I feel like I've given/stirred K energy in a few people who are/were very close to me, through my voice. They started to say things that they normally wouldn't and started being very "open". I feel like I did a really bad thing by giving advice to them/'teaching' because I've seen some of their new thinking lead to some of the same lows I'm experiencing, I feel like I'm going to be punished for it. I know it might be in my head, but I feel it most certainly isn't. Like, years ago when I had a court date for a violation(It was VERY probable for me to go to prison) and I was speaking to the judge, it was like I sent him a message of how I really was as a person using 'the wave'. Like I started talking to him, then my focus became a point between his eyes and everything outside of my line of vision started to get blurry like tunnel vision, it was like I was suddenly 100 ft away from the judge. I blanked out- I don't even remember what I said to him, just the feelings I was sending. I ended up recieving a really light sentence. Idunno I've thought about that day lately. I really want to work on how I end up influencing others, I don't really want to influence them at all.

Does attaining conversation/union with your HS/HGA really give you that kind of closure? Do you speak from experience?

Hahahaha

So life is over once you wake up a little? That would mesh with what I've been experiencing these last few months.

I'm gonna say it. BS.

thank you, it's all I want.

Sorry my 'super powers' have only made it that much more difficult to intergrate into society, something I was having enough trouble with before any of these 'spiritual experiences' began taking place. Hydrogen, I've done a fair amount of research both in and outside of myself on the subject of kundalini, and yea, those who have had a full awakening are good about adding a disclaimer that a full awakening(certain levels osf samadhi) are completely incompatible with modern society. I'm sorry I'm kind of young and I had certain things I expected to happen within my life regardless if how stereotypical or juvenille they might come off as. So this whole starting from scratch thing is a bit of a shock, honestly. I know what I wanted/want from life, but I can't bring myself to put th amount of passion/singular focus into music anymore- I literally can't hold anything in high esteem it seems, I'm far too logical about everything I guess... I guess a life of art and music is completely incompatible with kundalini. The world demands so much of a person who wants next to nothing to do with it.

Everyone acts like I'm overreacting, I can't do anything I used to It feels like nothing matters and I can't shake it. I wanted to have a girlfriend so bad, I've never gotten to share things with someone, now I fear I don't have much to share. My dad's dying I'm tired of everything. I want to do something with my life but nothing matters anymore. I don't feel human anymore, I'm living in a world that has little to do with me.

I know its bad, it's just that when the 'good' came I had never really seen it so I didn't take it as being good all the way. I'm getting really sensitive again, like I've been having a hard time eating almost anything. When I eat any kind of meat, I just want to throw up. Everything other than water tastes overpowering. It drives me crazy sometimes. It makes me so sad. I feel like I really don't have a choice but to follow the path now, that evading is just futility and causing more damage. But I really don't want to leave my old life behind, even though I can't find that spark again. Everything is such a mess, restarting life/ having a mid-life crisis at 24 isn't my idea of 'being young'. I'm scared to death of having this "K" thing progress any further, because I've heard from a few good sources that a full awakeing is incompatible with modern society.

I've been doing alright for the most part. I still lapse about every 4-5 days though. The other day was cool, I smoked pot but I managed to 'step back outside myself' for a bit, it felt really good. For once I wasn't being overcritical of myself, or worried about what was going on inside of me- albeit it short lived. I felt normal. Sometimes after I'm out in the sun for a bit, I feel 'full' and I take a nap- then, often, I feel like I'm falling back into my body when I wake up. I had some flashbacks to some of the earlier days of my experience when my crown area was very open. They're like little horror vignettes about the sun. Within them, it feels like something inside my brain wants to pull me out of my body up into the sun. But it feels as if I turned my back on something and the sun isn't the best place to go but it has its 'advantages'. It's all pretty cryptic but it's more of a 'knowing feeling'- I try to dismiss them. I masturbated the other day and my energy is all weird again, the dogs and birds let me know. I didn't want to but I didn't care, in all honesty I lapse back into this really grey space of indifference- I have no idea if I'm struggling with myself so much as it feels like I also have a fair amount of bad energy floating around in my room and 'in' my bed. I've been getting up earlier and I feel the wave better, so I think my stuff reset most of the way. I'm not sure which practice to take up, I'm thinking of qi gong as I'd eventually want to develop my third eye but I know how strong you have to be for that. It's a big decision for me, especially since I'm far past 'testing the waters' of what it is I expect/want from cultivation/spiritual practice. Having that much control over yourself is scary. There's this one time during my k-insomnia that I had a 'lot of control' over my thoughts and I could observe every thought as almost an object and it would kind of echo- it was terrifying. I would literally watch my thoughts sometimes even in sleep, it would almost be a 3rd person kind of feeling (fully aware but alseep). I don't know it didn't even feel like I was really sleeping, if that is a glimpse of what it's like to have complete control over my thoughts- I don't think I'm ready yet, I'd feel a lot better having a teacher or at least someone who could come around often. Manifestation is better, I have no idea what I'm doing different/better :/

I've practiced sun gazing with trataka and gotten very good results. Results that nevertheless scared me out of doing any more dabbling within the practice of trataka. But like it was stated before the window for sun gazing is fairly narrow, I believe that those who injured themselves were being careless in regarding them.

I'm a bit biased towards kundalini given my "spontaneous kundalini arousal" experience. What I would say, even if it's "spontaneous", that you should research and get a better overall understanding of what kundalini is. I believe it's not something to meddle with, at all. Well, to those lucky enough to be able to make the decision to meddle or not

Have you ever considered the fact that you may just be, an attractive person? It would make a lot of sense...

Kundalini sucks, stay away from it.

Could you be more specific?

A brief summation of what has transpired since last october, ~October I quit my job working as a dishwasher/busser at a restraunt because of the heirarchy I saw permeating everything. I started to feel strongly about how people treated each other and their feelings/intentions in general. Almost simultaneously I began fervently soul searching, dissatisfied with many facets of my life. I went into isolation for 1 1/2 months. I went on a pescatarian diet, stopped watching television and using the computer so often, stopped smoking, stopped using any drugs/substances, didn't use a telephone, only used natural light, meditated semi-regularly, prayed, went on wals regularly and practiced 'good' morals (commandments/precepts at the time). I sungazed intermittently, most times for about a week at a time (east coast weather). I spent a fair amount of time reading literature and mystic/occult writings. I left my town only once during this time to attend the funeral of my uncle, I cried for the first time in a while. It was the night of my birthday, my first contact with people other than my parents in a while, and my friends suggested I smoke weed, again. Something of a champagne. So I took 1 hit from the bong and didn't really want anymore, I remember the taste being disqusting- smoke wasn't as appetizing anymore. But my friend protested and urged me to take another. I tooke another pull and I felt this electric orb of energy pop up into my throat. It was almost difficult to breathe. I felt it pulsating, I was getting pretty nervous but I wasn't concerned after I looked up and saw that my two friends in the room were standing behind me. I sat down on the edge of the bed. The ball of energy started to slowly creep up my throat towards my tonsils, pulsating the whole way. Breathing was difficult at a point. Then all of a sudden the ball shot up into my head and I felt like my head was going to explode for a second. It felt like electric eels swimming through my brain. I had no idea what was happening. The ball of electricity started bouncing from my head to a little above my heart, violently at first and then more slowly. Breathing was kind of difficult again. After the panic started to fade a bit I tried to start forcing down the energy into my heart area to keep it away from my throat, shortly after the energy subsided. The entire time this was happening I had my eyes open. As the 'brain fry' came to an end I saw a white flash of light over the room. Everything seemed new and vivid. A commercial came on the television, I commented on how it lacked cohesiveness with this odd hue of cold logic that was unfamiliar. We drove around afterwards, I smoked a little more, and I couldn't stop talking about the world around me and my 'rolling epiphanies'. Stores seemed smaller and all of the 'flourishes' were gone. Like when I went into michaels it just seemed like a warehouse with signs strewn i don't know, like it had a very cold/mechanical feel to it. I felt peoples emotions much easier, I feel like I often adpoted the emotions of others as my own when in their company. Sometimes I could tell what people wanted. I knew who was going to call my phone all the time, seconds before they called. Knowing and telling "the truth" became very important. I would solve many unresolved situations from my past during mediation. I had "rolling epiphanies" where I was seeing everything I saw usually saw everyday from a different and unbiased viewpoint. I lost interest in many people as I couldn't bring myself to accept their bad habits and it became difficult for me to be around people who put out a lot of negative energy. My "filters" seemed for the most part to be completely gone and I was Very open with people about things I did. I noticed my brain begin to feel a bit funny and my hearing become more sensitive. I loved music up to this point. Listening to music made my brain feel like it was churning, especially music with any kind of negativity in it. I convinced myself that the music I was making was bad for me, and it was to an extent- putting out that kind of negative energy all the time was a bit draining of me. That would have been fine if I didn't like music and it wasn't my only interest in life, but it was. I was and still am fairly disimpassioned, although the "brain movements" are far less frequent. Sometimes when I would sing I would see little spots of lights I started writing papers on social ills and immediate cures for them on facebook. I got a pretty positive reponse and a good amount of negative too. I really wanted to help people and help change things for the better. I wrote a fair amount while doing volunteer work at this christian center, I didn't agree so much with their ideology but their intent. People had always come to me with their problems to an extent, but now it seemed to happen a lot more often. I was composed most of the time and really got people to bring out a lot of deep seated issues. (I have a feeling a lot of this was like this is because of some sort of personal magnestism that is inherent with this 'process') I talked with my therapists about the papers and she gave me other perspectives, which was refreshing because I didn't have anyone to bounce ideas off of and it was nice to have someone to talk to about stuff going on, non- spiritually. I also began to become very disconnected from the world as I felt the effects of the isolation starting to set in. It felt like so many people did such wrong things and that no one wanted to try to do right, I thought everyone was capable of divinity at the time. But mentally I was geared towards 'saintly' work. I learned a lot about the us government and the politics of the world. One day I started noticing I had a bit of headache, only it didn't hurt. Energy was starting to get stuck up in my head. I felt almost completely disconnected from human life. I felt vacuous. All of my sense hightened. I could hear/"feel" people and animals around me, like if someone or something moved in a crowd I could feel where it was. I couldn't wear headphones anymore and most music was too abrasive to listen to anymore. I also had a lot of constant ringing. Peoples voices became very distinct and I could always hear this tone people would use when they start lying or fabricating something. I could see micro-expressions on my parents faces. This was really depressing. This is when I found out we were losing the house, although they didn't tell me for a few more months. They were so miserable most of the time. I quickly found that I didn't enjoy knowing how everyone really feels about everything. It was hard to look some people in the face, when their appearance betrayed their intent so much and for you to just act normal. People seemed so unhappy. I started frying the outside light on our deck about every time I used it. My laptop stopped working and my phone would act weird and die all the time. My dog had ticks on him a couple of times and I would lay my hands on him and pray for them to fall off. I'd open my eyes and the ticks would be laying around him on the floor. I saw an older womans aura but I ignored it because I didn't want to end up seeing spirits. Things I wanted to happen, happened more often. My thoughts were more fluid, it didn't seem like I thought with my brain as much. I felt like birds talked to me, I felt them "in my brain" more. The same with dogs, when they barked I felt it shoot through my brain, sometimes it felt like they were saying something. A lot of times when I woke up it felt like I "fell into my body" and sometimes my vision was blurred. I met girls in various places, but every time I would talk to someone about them- I wouldn't see them again, or not for a long time. It felt like my house didn't have walls and I could hear straight into the outdoors, inlcuding all of the airplanes passing which made it very difficult to get to sleep on some nights. I saw cats at night all the time, most of the time no one else saw it nor did I say anything about it. Practice trataka half-assedly and begin to hear every falsehood in peoples conversation, I immediately stopped the "practice". I started to detach from a lot of things, mainly materialistic. Clothing and personal possessions meant little to me. I truly no longer cared for what much of life here had to offer me. I remember christmas was a scary time. I felt so completely alienated from life. It was very grey and bleak. It was very hard to "act normal", I felt my entire world being ripped apart and I had to smile through it. Just the fact that things were losing meaning made me more sad. I can't put this experience into words right now, it was just completely unreal- the things people said, how things felt, I don't know it was all very terrifying and I felt very alone. Music had left me and I had not a confidant, this is where the dullness/nothingness started I think. That's when I first began to feel emptied out, like a husk. ~New Years Eve One night our power went out, just ours and 3 other house on our block. So being as paranoid as I still was I decided to leave and go walk into town. Around 10 at night. While I'm walking past a middle school I start hearing this thunderous booming noise coming from about 200 yards off into the darkness on my left. It sounds like a giant monster jumping or something. I thought it was something breaking. So I started walking again, and the booming starts to follow my steps. It follows me for at least a mile before I change course into town. It scared me a lot. I start to walk back from town to my friends house and as soon as I get back into my neighborhood I begin to hear the booming noise again. I ran to my friends house. I didn't say anything of course. Then when I was walking back to my house in the early morning, I heard the booming noise again and it followed me all the way to my street. ~January/Feb. At one point I was up for a week, I was getting about 2-3 hours of sleep every night. My body and my brain didn't feel like they were sleeping. Intense paranoia. I swore to god I saw a black helicopter outside my house flying straight overhead Much lower than usual. I was posting a lot of government and "masonic" things on internet sites. Fear of dying. Fear of not sleeping. I became very "in control" of my thoughts at one point, an experience that makes me never want to be that incharge of my functions ever again. I witnessed almost in 3rd person every thought I created, even when I was trying to sleep I would literally observe myself just thinking with my eyes closed. It was scary. It was like my thougts echoed, I've never experienced that kind of mental clarity. The top of my head felt like it was open and on fire. I even developed a small bald patch right at the very top of my crown. I felt like the world was ending. Basically a really scary insomnia/mania episode. I went to a doctor and got prescribed ambien. Then I went to a psychiatrist and got prescribed (i forget) it was a mood stabilizer though. I took those both for a week and my symptoms faded, although it still felt like the top of my head was open. That went on for about another month. I still don't know what to make of any of what happened but that night scared me a lot. After that I started eating meat again and masturbating, I also quit reading any kind of spiritual/religious material for the most part. I don't know. Life has been kind of foggy and grey since then. I don't even know what happened to me. I don't know if it's some kind of psychosis, or of it's some kind of self realization or if its a kundalini energy experience. I do know that a lot happened that I can't so easily put into words. That's pretty much what happened :/

I feel like I overcame all of this stuff and now I'm back doing it. What's so special about kundalini? Having it wreck your life, becoming sensitive to everything, dissolving "you", frying electronics, having animals always come to you, giving weird body shocks, inducing mania episodes or being a complete fucking shell of a being

Cool story. This is the only place I can even discuss such matters without losing a friend or being judged. I have been trying some of the suggested methods to no avail. Yes Manitou, I want my life back. I used to be able to write and sing effortlessly, now it's next to impossible. It takes me days to even get a decent lyric now. With music and art being the foundation I laid for my life, now that those talents seemed to have faded- I have nothing. There's nothing that really grabs my interest anymore hence there isn't much I talk about or feel like talking about. All I did was create, now it seems that I can't. I feel so empty then whenever I retain I get sad easier and the cold logic starts creeping back. Music and art was my life, it makes me really sad. It was the main way I coped with life, now I don't really have it- everything from life before is covered in a haze. I don't want to transcend the only passion I had in life. I feel like a husk of a being. I just want to die all the time. People make me sad, they're always so negative, I feel it when they make my mood change. I'm not lazy because I'm not googling people who are strangers. I've tried reaching out to someone's reccomended person in the past, and I never recieved a response. I probably do have a drug ise problem at this point, but I don't care. At least it keeps me numb to fact I no longer am living a life I want to, not even that I was that enthused about it originally. I don't know what K did to me, but I don't really like it right now. I don't want anything to do with any of this. Thanks for sharing your assumptions and judgements, if only I could be so young and carefree. Sometimes I wish I could just dig a knife in my arms again or go kill someone to end this life, but I can't feel that wave like that anymore- so I just cry and sleep. I don't know why anything matters, I've been miserable for a long time and now its back and intensified. Living feels like a chore

I don't know who either of those people are or how to contact them :/ Last time I felt a "dark night" all of my preconceived notions about others left me and opinions I had about many things/places. I don't really understand what I'm "letting go of" this time, it feels like I can't think more than half the time. It's like I still have my old thoughts/ideas but I had an extra 4 acres of brain shoved into my head, I feel so empty and I'm sad because of the emptiness. I can't tell what's happening to me. I know some people at my job probably think I'm a dunce since I don't talk much, but I don't have much to say lately. I feel so stupid This is really scary to me. I've only looked forward to one thing my whole life and now it seems like it won't ever happen. Why do people take some things I say to heart so much? Everytime I've tried being sarcastic lately, someone has taken it as straight truth. I really wanted a girlfriend, for once in my life, but now its harder because I'm "aware"? Of them i guess. People lie to me so much but I often know they are. I noticed sometimes when good things happen to me and I talk about them to people, they stop happening. Why?

I've also heard of the K energy being somewhat of a dream machine, then why can't I have my creative energy back? Why do I feel like I've been drowning this sorrow for a time. I want my old life back. Music was the only thing I wanted from life, now that that's "gone" I don't really want anything anymore from life now. Lack of passion has made existence a sad thing for me. I feel like I can't even talk to people as well, it feels like my minds focus closes up on its own accord. My vocabulary is getting rusty, it's hard for me to fabricate a falsehood (tell a joke), I'm having less intellectual things to say in general and I can't tell anyone because they don't understand what's happening. This can't be how my life is going to be.

I just want someone to tell me I'll be okay. I hear all of these stories and different interpretations of what kundalini actually is, I've started the deep breathing excercises, retaining, and smoking less marijuana. I really want my former capacity back, I've read stories that are very similar to mine currently and it makes me so sad to think that this state might last for a long time. I want my creativity back, my art was/is my livelihood- without my art/creative processes, I don't have a life

-

I don't want to die so much as I want to just not exist. Its lile I quit drugs for a while, had this experience whatever it is, and now I have more reason to do drugs. I can't even get another therapist because I'll just lie. There was a time when I didn't lie about anything, then it all became too much to bear.