WillingToListen

I feel everyone and sometimes their intentions, so dark/ignorant, become so loud. Theyre so sad. I feel this ifinite logical sadness most times, for them- but now its not as bad because i can't think as well. For the longest I wanted more than anything to help others and to make a difference, but now I find that next to no one is quick to accept help. Now what? I feel like most of me dissolved. So I get better, then what? I grow that much further from society? I'm really hurt. Everything

I can't help it, people don't want me to be myself. They're so miserable and they want so desperately to share that. When I go back to where I should people still approach me but many are turned away and I'm isolated all over again. I care so much in a world thar doesn't. I don't want anything but to not exist.

Cool story. Most of these things I know as I lived a fairly isolated life on a vegetarian/pescatarian diet, meditating and abstaining from all subatances. I simply stopped caring. The fire went out. One night I swear I was being followed by a large entity as I heard loud booming following me at night from about 150 meters away, then I quit doing everything "right"if because I wanted out of everything that involved the path. Now I feel as if I'm going crazy sometimes because I constantly awake to a life that I want nothing to do with. I am fairly unhappy with things but that isn't the biggest issue, it's that I feel as though I've already lived/died and have nothing else to live for. Not much concerns me currently and that's a bit scary. I simply can't find the passion within myself right now. I'm so fucking fed up with everything. I'm living a life that doesn't even feel like it's mine, it all feels like a bad dream now. People always say to hold on, why bother. I don't even know if any of this legitimately happened to me

and im noticeably balding, one of my parents is ill, moneys getting tighter even though I went out and got a job, everyone stares at the scars on my arms while I'm working- all the time, evrything seems so pointless, I'm nothing to society, i can't maintain a relationship with a girl!!!!!!!!!:(!!:(! Sorry for spamming the forums with my bullshit. This is as close as I get to "talking with someone" about it now **I love cigarettes.

. Living for solely my family is getting awfully old. I'm 24, I can't do this another decade. How do you cope? Do you have any interests/hobbies? I don't care. It's not the only thing causing sadness, there is the whole me not having any goals(Or being passionate enough to be able to make any goals) anymore and family problems. Life, I know, is a great thing- I just don't care anymore, it's like I'm watching my life happen from someone elses viewpoint and there's nothing I can do/feel. It's like I don't belong to me anymore. It's so stupid. I don't feel any kind of way about peoples ignorance about certain matters anymore, even when they're obviously trying to send me some negativity. but in doing that I feel blank, like I'm this robot with no feeling. Like I couldn't be angry if I wanted to. I like weed because when I smoke enough I go into this haze/stupor where time flies by and I don't have to think too hard about anyhthing, I even pass out for hours- that's the fun part, not "being here". I don't like smiling, everyone likes mine enough for me. Sure I smile because of things, but it's nothing ever really about me anymore. Most of the time I'm not smiling about something "normal" to smile about. I feel like I don't even belong here anymore. I really don't want to do this for long, I'll leave.

Ive made posts in the past about my sudden lack of creativity/inspiration since my "k-arousal", but now it seems as though I'm having a block on my thinking and in life in general. I can't make jokes like I used to and things don't hold my attention/influence me like they used to. I feel like there's just this void. My thinking seems to be becoming slower overall. It feels like I can barely even read sometimes, I used to be a fairly technical writer. As dull as I feel my empathic traits are flaring. It's annoying to know sometimes. Is this some of what people mean when they say "K-survivors"?

Yea I do feel like marijuana had a lot to do with it, but I've experienced things that I haven't heard people attribute to marijuana. I feel like when I do know things it comes from somewhere else, like it's coming from a different place. I don't like to think too much/rationalize about spiritual experiences I've had in the past months, because I feel doing so will distort my perception of reality/life. I've overcome overthinking a lot about life, becoming employed has helped.

So am I over? I've lost a lot of "me" and I don't even feel like a person anymore, just this blank canvas. Everything I knew is in this fog, albeit there. I wish none of this ever happened. Is there any way I can get back to my past abilities, I'm not sure as to what action to take Doesn't everyone wish their life was this desolate when they were 24

What do I do though?

I get these weird "pulses" in my brain. It's like a moving headache except it doesn't hurt, idunno. It feels like a golfball is rolling around inside my brain and nasal cavitity/throat. This "loss in intellect" is very profound, I feel like a absolute vegetable around people and myself I feel like any type of cold logic/book smarts/superfluous thinking I've gained is leaving. It's especially scary because writing was an important part of my life, I don't really do anything else- I'm not doing much of anything lately

I'm 24

I didn't really start noticing this until after my "K-arousal". The whole top of my head seems like it is beginning to thin out and now there's completely bald space a bit smaller than a dime where the very top of my skull/crown is :/ As if I didn't have enough problems already

I wish I would've known in advance how exciting the 24th year of my life would be

More_Pie_Guy & dmattwads, thank you both!! I'm going to give these a try I wouldn't mind more suggestions

Could you enlighten as to what those herbs are, please?? If at all possible I would really like my hair to stay, I don't think my social life can take another blow

That's how I'm starting to feel about it.

I'd like to apologize to everyone on this forum for putting out so much negative energy here. I'm just at a loss currently. I could just not say anything and internalize as I've done in years past but it hurts, a lot. I felt like if I typed it, it would be like speaking with someone- to an extent it has been. I no longer have the luxury of speaking with a therapist, given my current fiscal standing. I don't know. It feels like I'm in jail again but I realize I'm not so it feels worse? I feel like and hourglass, except instead of the sand collecting in the lower cavity it just spills out into wind. No one tells younger people how hard life is, even if they know- that isn't fair. I was so happy. When it first hit, I could do so much. My sense were up, I was learning so many things about the world around me- rolling epiphanies. I could tell what people wanted and I could give it to them. I was volunteering multiple times a week and I was writing papers on ways people could help each other/themselves, aswell as remedies to societal ills. So many people seemed to just gravitate towards me. Many asked me for advice and I often had concise 'universal' answers. I worried very little. Then it was gone one day. I'm not sure where the line of demarcation was, but the tide began rolling back out. Slowly, I began to lose everything. My happiness disolved. I still had the 'rolling epiphanies' except they began to grow darker and darker. My social life crumbled. I went into extreme isolation- I was isolated before but I still had friends. My perception began closing into a fist and the things I'd witnessed seemed but a dream. Everything is gone. The animals are still so responsive, it makes me sad that I can't help but to ignore them. I feel so empty, but it's colored with this infinite logical sadness. I lost myself at some point, my passion for life, my passions for things I loved/loved doing. My parents know I've regressed, it's in their inflections/movements- it makes me cry. I'm sorry everyone. I really am. I wish none of this ever happened. I just want to be me again, I don't care how selfish/egotistical that sentiment may resonate with many hear. I was so selfless and giving for what seemed like a long period, now I just want to be myself again. Sorry

I wish I could just hit a restart button.

Are you serious? An emphatic, yes. :( :( :( :(

I was praying a lot (praying to be able to help others), then I smoked weed one day. It happened. Yea it was marijuana induced, so does that mean i'm making all of this up then? I'm very upset with life right now because I literally don't have any means of sustaining myself outside of my parents help. My parents are going to lose our home pretty soon, I WILL HAVE NOTHING. That's why. My writing is the only thing I've ever taken seriously, it was my "go-to" since elementary school- Writing is my only passion. Without my writing I have no other interests, as I've parted with most of my materialistic ways. Some of those things I listed are necessary to live within this society, and I don't have them. What silly reason? The fact that my life has gone to shit?? I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A PATH, ITS DONE NOTHING BUT DESTROY MY LIFE AND MAKE ME THIS SOULLESS INSIGHTFUL SHELL OF A HUMAN. Im fucking 24, I was in jail in my early 20s, I tried getting back on track the next couple years and now I'm dealing with this bullshit. Where the fuck are the best years of my life, wheres my college parties, wheres my nightlife, wheres my romantic evenings, where is everything. "The way" is fucking ancient. What good is it within todays society in america? NONE. "The way" is only going to complicate my life here with unecessary frills that make me question my own sanity. A high spiritual path has no place here, trying to entertain it while living in this city is literally cognitive dissonance. I would eventually go crazy, I'v realized that. So why the fuck would I continue? I want nothing to do with it and I wish it never happened. I wish I was just a promiscuous fucking idiot. Yea I'm whining because honestly your logic is completely fucking irrational. I'll stop now i'm making the birds angry.

I know, I know, there's always some kind of balance between everything, but in all that I've gone through these last months- I can't accept that. I was never into conspiracy theories, illuminati, ufos/demons etc.. But when I had my k-arousal I started drawing a lot of conclusions myself. Seeing so many things with an unbiased perspective, I couldn't help but start seeing the negative aspect of so many things, as well as positive- but I don't know, the negative seem to outweigh the positive. I don't watch television, and I'm very selective of what I expose myself to on the internet. I don't know how to put this. I live in a busy/rich city in america, and i'm getting to this point where i cant help but think that there's an elite that is supressing most of society. Everything has become so singlepointedly materialistic. Sure money has always been a problem, but it seems like its getting to be IT- I don't know how else to put it. Most people seem so shallow and animalistic in their mannerisms and world outlook. Technology seems to be doing so much for a lot of people, that they don't bother looking elsewhere for things. I've met people who describe themselves as 'smart' or 'intelligent', but I often wonder what exactly they're using as qualifying criteria. I feel so helpless and empty. like nothing matters. I try to fight it, but then something comes along to validate it- then i have to fight that off aswell. It's like an infinite logical sadness. I know the world is a harsh place, but- I am really starting to lose hope. With everything that's been going on with my parents they's be devastated if I ended my life- but all I've been is pretty much bed-ridden off and on for these last months after my k-arousal, Does anyone feel like this. I'm so sad. I'm losing everything I love and now we're losing our home, I don't want to feel like this anymore Please don't give me that everythings an illusion/holographic stuff, it makes me worse and i think things

:( :'( :'( :'(

I just want my creativity back, a girlfriend and to help out others when I can. Maybe even a job. You don't need superpowers or heightened senses for any of that. What would be the point of even starting to cultivate? It seems to me that once you start moving around wires like that, you become a part-time mechanic.

I don't want that, I'm already too disassociated with common affairs as it is. Not all of my life is spiritual- I have a body. possible. Would you care to elaborate on some of my mistaken notions then? I'm quite firmly under the impression that the kundalini energy has much to do with my current situation(NEGATIVE), never have I hit such a low in all my life- its scary. If I turn off my computer, then I really don't have a life. Yea I tried really hard to do that about a month ago, can't say that it's helped me at all. I speculate it may have contributed to things becoming as they currently are. For some of the other repsonses. Anti-depressants terrify me, especially the one I was given a trial of because of the way it affects my blood levels- I have a family history of blood disorders. And just the way it generally affects my nervous system. Although I was grateful for the trial dosages that brought me down from my week of insomnia. I don't like it, I can feel myself fading into nothing on them- even moreso than I can without them. Like I will catch myself being content watching paint dry, but that isn't the best thing for a person with nothing trying to make a living on my own some time soon I like how I went through all of this bullshit all of this reformation but I'm still a danger to their companies on paper.