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Everything posted by manitou
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I just figured something out. Grief is the price tag for Compassion
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Jessup2 - your post gave me a chuckle. Thanks for telling me that story. You allow the anger to linger maybe for the same reason I remain unwilling to tell the grief emotion go away - because it's all I have left of him at the moment. It is almost as if it would be a disloyalty to stop crying. I do absolutely nothing to help myself, to move myself along. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to go outside, I don't want people calling. I feel like a cat curled up licking its wounds. I suppose the kittie will just get up one of these days and get back to life when she gets sick enough of this...
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Thank you for that beautiful post, Rishi Das. That article comforts me in that Joe was of shamanic persuasion, and he often said that death was his advisor. He was not uncomfortable with death at all. I'm 3 months into this thing now, and I feel like I 'should' be getting better. And yet I still do nothing but cry. I suspect this is going to be a long process for me. I've never lost anybody that meant this much to me before. This attachment is just being ripped away from me a little at a time, and it is pure torture. I just have to walk through it, that's all. Everybody gets their turn - it's just mine now.
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Very relaxing and very basic. The only emotion I had to hold in my stomach was sorrow. But there was something holding me back from wanting to tell it to leave me. It's as though if I didn't carry sorrow over Joe's death, he wouldn't be here at all. I'm going to give these meditations a try and see what happens. But I also don't want the feeling that I'm rushing things. Thank you, Michael.
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Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
Full mastery of the moment. -
Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
Nice Daoist infusion on that one. -
thank you, cold. You are one sensitive and caring person, much appreciated. Yes, it is a particularly hard time.
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I'm discovering a very interesting thing in this journey. It is truly turning into a journey into self. As CT said earlier in the thread, it's not really the partner you're grieving for - it's grief for yourself. Yes, I cry because I miss his presence, I miss the habit of being with someone all the time. I've been finding lately that I've been doing some periodic crying over horrible things that happened in his youth - like being molested by 3 men who got him drunk when he was very young and molested him. And then the thoughts turn to my own childhood when something similar would happen - not nearly as horrible as what happened to him, but something very painful to the little girl that I was. It's as though this grief is a bridge into self and crying out some old grief and pain from my own beginnings. It's turning into quite a purge. I am realizing at a deep level that our connection was truly one of two really injured children. It was never really about being married in a traditional husband and wife sense - in fact, probably the last 15 years of our co-habitation we slept in separate bedrooms, and no longer shared physical intimacy except for the rare occasion. But this explains why we were married and divorced from each other twice, and yet were never able to leave each other. It was never really about the traditional husband and wife roles. In fact, the last 6 months of our life together, I had taken to going into his bedroom and tucking him in at night. At first I just did it in jest, playfully tucking the covers in from his feet all the way up to his shoulders, and then making sure the covers were pulled up over his shoulders. At that moment, I realized how very much he loved this. I noticed that his skin would emit this golden glow, his face would almost look like the face of a young boy - and when I saw that, I started doing it nightly. He just loved it. And it made me realize how he had never had that - that in fact he didn't know who his parents were and was raised in a reform school. But it's as though there's a bridge between mourning the traumatic things in his young life and then having the thoughts transfer to something comparable in my young life. Something that I had forgotten. I have virtually no memory of my childhood, except for the occasional snippet. Some good, most traumatic. This is really interesting, and at some level very good for me.
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cold, you are a real comfort to me. I feel a true sincerity and a true caring. I just drove 3 days from Ohio to Florida, and walking into this empty house in Fla today was just awful. I hate this place now. I've never felt this empty, I cry as I type this. Joe's and my connection was not husband and wife, we finally figured out after years, but abused child to abused child. I just feel right now like I can't go on without him/ It seems like I'll be doing okay for a while, I'm able to string along a few hours even not thinking much about him - and then the deep, painful, tearful purge has to happen one more time. It's like it builds up and I'm not even aware of it. And then the only thing to do is to just deeply cry, to somehow hope he's still around me. The Year of Magical Thinking, and I'm only two months into it. Our lives were so very wrapped up in each other. I am so grateful to you for your thoughts and prayers and I appreciate you so much there are no words. And Karen, what a light, beautiful and loving touch you have. Thank you again. The thought of how much I have to do, alone and without help, just overwhelms me. To sell two houses and move back cross country to California. All the logistics of that, the timing of trying to find another place - my brother offers to help with that and he'll be shutting down his law practice in a few months so that may work out well. One day at a time, that's all I can do. I wish I were doing better, and I'm just not. Someone mentioned the word 'wallowing' in an earlier post and that cut me to the core, as though I'm not supposed to be doing that. Fuck it. I can't help it. I feel like I'm dying. All the fancy metaphysical words and Buddhist wisdom can't do a darn thing about this. If I try to shove the feelings down and remain in the realm of the spirit, I have to pay twice as badly for it in the next wallow. God, I hope this ends some day. This is just horrible...
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Really excellent point CT. But I guess I can only get real at the pace that I'm able... I don't feel any guilt or anger. Let me take that back. I feel guilt that I couldn't 'control' how Joe died. I wish he had died at home, in bed, in my arms. I feel guilty because before his second operation he told me that 'these people don't know what they're doing', and I didn't do anything about it. He said that he could hear them arguing, even under sedation, about what tube went where. I assumed that he was in an altered state and I didn't take him seriously. After all, he was in a big hospital, between operations, and I didn't know what to do about that. Pull him out? I just assumed he was under the influence of the sedation. And then, that night, he had a massive brain bleed. I feel guilty because I was checking into putting him in a hospice rather than trying to care for him at home after his massive stroke. I do feel guilty. If there's anger to come, it hasn't come yet. Yes, I am caught up in pain. I can say that it is diminishing a tiny bit day by day; and I was just able tonight to bang on the keyboard for an hour, for the first time since this happened. I am in a forced alone situation; I have virtually no friends here in Ohio, never gotten to know anybody since we moved here 8 years back. All my time is spent alone; don't know if that's good or bad; maybe if I had a lot of friends here it would delay the whole process. I just don't know. It is what it is. I'm trying to be as real as I can be. My hard shell of strength against vulnerability shattered greatly during my forced PTSD retirement from the LAPD 36 years ago, and then coming to grips with my alcoholism. I suppose I have rebuilt some of the shell. It sure doesn't feel like it. I feel about as vulnerable as a turtle on its back right now. But maybe I need to give myself more permission, I just don't know. If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.
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I can't even imagine the pain of a loved one committing suicide. My heart breaks for your family. So many other feelings would enter into the picture. Thank you for sharing your story, BES. This seven weeks has seemed more like seven days. Like time has stood still in some way. Maybe that's why it takes a year. Because time stands still.
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Very nice, centertime. We just all have our turn - and right now it's mine.
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What a great title. The Year of Magical Thinking. But, on the other hand, I do believe in a bit of magical thinking. I've seen it in ceremonial healing ceremonies. But as it applies to a sudden void of a spouse? Yes, I can see subconsciously waiting for him to return and need his shoes. I went to a bereavement group right after Joe died. I was still numb, I had cried some - a lot - and really hard. I thought it would be appropriate to go to the group. What I found was a handful of people who were 6 or 7 months into this thing, still having their eyes well up with tears when they would mention a motorcycle ride they took together - anything would set it off. It wasn't time yet for me to be at that particular group. I had absolutely no idea that the process was such a long one. Now I understand societies where the widow will wear black for a year. I'm nearly two months into this - I just had no idea. This is quite something, and I can see that it is really going to be a life-changing event. It's funny - well meaning folks will send a nice card right after the death, usually with a 'Sorry for your Loss' sentiment (which if I hear one more time I think I'll gag). And then the event is out of their minds, they did their duty, they sent a card. I know one thing. I will never again be one of those people that just sends a card and forgets about any further contact.. The real hurt begins after the numbness stops, and that can be weeks after the death. That's when the real help is needed. And that's what Rene has understood, and been there for me. How unreal this all is. This thread has helped me more than you can possibly imagine.
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This is going to sound really dumb. Joe, like many guys, loved to mess around with the sound on the TV. He had one of those sound sticks that plugs in somehow and makes it sound like surround sound if you're watching a movie. I kind of hated the thing, he just wouldn't leave the sound alone. Ever. The day following his death, I was crying my eyes out, and said something out loud to him like 'Can you let me know that you hear me???' It wasn't but two seconds later that the TV (which had been on very low) suddenly started BOOMING - the sound stick came on all by itself. I ran around the room looking for the darned remote to turn it off - it was in the basket next to where Joe sat. At first I was just really confused, and then I realized that Joe had somehow answered me, electrically. I think the veil is very thin..
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ZYD - yes, your impressions are correct. We were both very contorted individuals upon entering the relationship; the fit was a key in a lock. The whole 35 years has been a healing process of individualization for both, partially completed. And thank you for all the information, which I will go through carefully and find useful things, I'm sure. Cold (this could be a double post, for which I apologize, my computer is acting up) - I seem to be in good company with Emily Dickinson and C.S. Lewis. There is no faking the words and sentiment of both...
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ZYD - thank you so much for your thoughts and your ceremony. I too like to do ceremonies for those in need, whether known or unbeknownst to them. Something switched on, like a light. Between you, CT, Rene, and cold - I seem to have gotten just what I need, for now at least. This particular part of the process has terminated. I'll take future bridges as they come. I looked at your Heavenly Lord Taiyi page and love the concept of Supreme Oneness, which I find to make ultimate sense and a comfort as well. Funny you mentioning the 'radiant Angel' thing. I've had a savior complex all my life, and Joe was the ultimate fixer upper. He was, at the beginning, a skid row wino. After all, my childhood superhero was Mighty Mouse, LOL. Thank you so much, all. I love every single one of you.
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I am laughing as I write this. It has been about 7 weeks. I am so sick and effing tired of feeling like this, I think I shall stop. I just looked at a picture of Joe and asked him to cut me loose on the crying and just let me love him. Period.
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This is very useful, CT. Thank you very much for your post.
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I find numbness on watching things on Netflix like Game of Thrones or Breaking Bad. I am grateful for them. It gives me a temporary reprieve, although it just puts off the inevitable darkness of grief. I wonder if there are a given number of tears which must be shed, and to delay them is only to prolong the process. Cold, your metaphor of the undertow is perfect, and swimming sideways is to avoid getting swept to sea. I find comfort in knowing that every single person on earth, in one form or another, must go through this. It's just my turn, that's all. Thank you again, Rene, for everything you've done to help so far. I will PM you. I just didn't want to wear out my welcome.
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Thank you so much Cold. No, I don't imagine it can be explained to the uninitiated. I think of the remaining family in Texas who just lost 8 family members in that mass shooting. I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through. Yes, waves is the perfect description - the grief comes in waves - some short in length, some deeper, some lasting for a longer time. I do get relief in knowing that thousands or millions of people, at this very moment, are going through this same thing around the world. And they get through it. I know I will too. It's just so very painful, with no end in sight.
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Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
As one going through grief at this time, the most helpful thing he said came not in this video, but the next one, where a woman told him she was having trouble 'cutting the cord' from her family in trying to increase her spiritual awareness. He told her not to cut the cord but to expand it to connect to every piece of life on this planet. -
Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
9th - I am trying to figure out your diagram. It appears that the man in the grid (within the hexagram) is in the spirit realm, as the hieroglyph of ancient Egypt was symbolic for the spirit realm. As his focus is on the object above the grid (is it a pharaoh's headgear?) he is capable of re-membering himself? As a contrast, the woman outside of the grid, not of the spirit realm, is dismembering (forgetting) herself, and does not know that she is not remembering herself, as she is looking to the opposite? Is there a better interpretation of this? -
Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
Is it as though there are eyes behind us, watching us, seeing ourselves sitting at this computer, typing this message? But knowing that this observer is the void of consciousness, shared by all, but forgotten because we all think that there is really an 'I', an ego, that thinks it is real? -
Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
LOL. You mean, 'At least, those were thoughts', didn't you? In previous discussions on this thread regarding the concept of unity, there has often been some degree of dissension. I think that removing the concept of 'I' is exactly what I would conside to be the unity of consciousness. There are no separate 'I's', merely a unified consciousness that interprets from different eyes or vantage points. -
Seeing, Recognising & Maintaining One's Enlightening Potential
manitou replied to C T's topic in Buddhist Textual Studies
I've never seen it so succinctly put. But then again, I'm new at this...