Rara

What about those that triumph in competition though? Winners of the Superbowl, World Cup etc... I agree that I am at my best when I have no one watching me, but surely we wei can be achieved within the context of competition... EDIT: Just read that back to myself. I'll add I am not a professional football/soccer player, those were just examples. Me being at my best is probably cooking without the pressure of having guests round lol

A bit late to this one but I'll throw my opinion in. I am extremely aggressive and hateful sometimes...have had a lot of anger issues and am currently in counselling for the 4th time, plus seeing an acupuncture therapist. Following the recent relapse I have come to learn (again...as I forgot...lost my way) that we should not feel ashamed, no. Your emotions are your emotions. Never apologise for the way you feel. However, if you are to cultivate peace and balance, eventually hate will subside and you will experience it less. Angry emotions will always come and go...but whether you entertain these emotions is a different story altogether. All the best.

The chi that can be spoken is not the eternal chi XD

I had to stop thinking and reading...including time away from this forum. Now I just sit on my chair and laugh Thoughts are there, but they are nothing to do with me. They can carry on though, that's what they do. Meanwhile, I'll continue to "be". Chi is naturally here, and if I am "just being", I'm not getting in its way

Quick update - I'm going for acupuncture on Friday and am on the waiting list for the herb clinic for the Northern School of Acupunture (York) In the meantime, caffiene and tobacco have been eliminated completely, spicy foods and red meat reduced, alcohol and weed massively reduced (I've been advised to come off these slowly and not to beat myself up about having the occasional) I've also began meditating on breath again and my fiancee is doing 30-40 min yoga sessions with me a couple of times a week. Slowly but surely, I'm improving. I wish to express my gratitude to all of you for helping get myself back on the wagon

This is it. My smartphone is my phone, newspaper, video player, music player, camera/camcorder etc etc. With so many uses as a one-stop-shop, surely we need to embrace the technology whilst being weary of it. Catch 22, do you feel?

"Understand", therefore, not being a relevant word. Experience is everything...

"Knowing Thyself is Enlightenment"... -Lao Tzu...

Maybe all my orgasms are stopping me from being where I want to be in life... ...or not. But on to plans. "Failing to plan is planning to fail", is what I often here. I've planned before and failed. Time and time again. The problem is, maybe the plan sucked. How can I plan for something if I don't know the exact process anyway? And then, on holiday, I planned to use the pool late afternoon....the forecast said the rain would hold off until 6pm. It rained at 4pm. FFS. I am muddled with this sort of thing, but I think that if we have a vision in mind, then we should be able to work towards said vision of "what we are" quite naturally. As Nike (and Shia Labouef) say "JUST DO IT". My plans went to s*** for next week. I have a new business venture under way and then my other work calls and is sending me away for the week. Planning fail? Idk. If I quit my other work, then this "problem" wouldn't occur again. Planning win? Again, idk. While I sit here and ponder, somebody give me the answer please XD

Hmm, maybe...but a lot of time the noise is in my head as well as outside.

I'm currently suffering from migraines after getting back from Thailand. Joy. However, I've been able to sleep I'm just so broken, wow.

@Perceiver @Gerard Yes, although I am generally looking for traditional Taoist advice (as I'm more cluless on this) of course, I am open to other western methods. I want to try everything and by having a counsellor, this certainly won't hurt. I am aware the counsellor is in no way going to help in such areas...in fact, when I tell him tomorrow that I want to see a TCM practitioner, I know exactly how his face will look. Similar to when I told him I was lucid dreaming one time XD. Either way, I respect both of your inputs here.

I have booked CBT counselling for Monday as well, I've had to do this a few times in life. Someone neutral to talk to about family issues, so I can also see what comes of that. Depending on how bad he thinks I've got will determine if I get referred elsewhere I guess.

Enthusiastic and eager perhaps...but I don't know if happy is the right word to follow. I always feel like I'm on a mission. On holiday in Thailand...the missus is trying to converse as we head to a destination...I'm focussed on the task at hand on just getting there. Or perhaps that's just a male vs female thing XD But I'm often like this at home. Very focused on doing whatever I want to get done in the day. Everything is goal orientated...I feel conflicted from time to time whether this is healthy or not. But it's just what I do!

Dude! Alert DustyBejing! In this vid, either this one or part 2 (sorry, I have no time to watch through) he talks about the lack of meaning behind the robes and hats...bang on topic to his one in another thread! Great vids these.

Oh PS, last night I slept from around midnight until 11am, so it's not all bad. Consistent 7-8 hours would be nice but hey, that's a goal and I know it won't happen overnight. I'm just delighted that I actually fell asleep in less than an hour...when sober. It's been a long time!

Oh no, it's only a holiday, I'm home on Thursday. That said, as an ex-kung fu guy, I must admit that hitting things in a controlled environment serves its purpose...better than the walls at home! My mind just always comes back and makes me feel guilty saying "you shouldn't be voilent" But I do believe I am naturally "barbaric". Conflicted is the term I'll use. On a good day, I want to be the calm meditator...on a bad day, I wanna smash things :/

Thanks for the morning tip...I agree a lot has been undone. I was quite advanced a year or so ago and I've almost forgotten how I got there now. Although yes, without a teacher led me to confusion due to paradoxes in different things I watched/read. So perhaps a local tai chi classs can help?

Thank you...cold turkey yesterday on holiday... I went to bed at 9pm and fell asleep at 3:30ish am! Maybe I should be more gentle with myself. I will most probably drop you a message once I've found what I am really struggling with

To the blue screen advice, yep! Otherwise trying visualisations and breathing with the hands placed on the stomach helped me drop off last night. It took a few hours, but it's a start I guess.

Loud and clear my friend

Thank you everybody for your kind responses. I see a pattern with the advice given. @Gerard I remembered after I posted my last reply that someone I used to train Kung Fu with is now a practitioner, qualified and accredited. I have been in touch and I've decided to go and see him once I return home (I'm currently on "holiday" in Thailand and don't get back for another week - perfect time for my anxiety to erupt. It certainly is doing nothing for my relationship with my fiancee) Thanks for the pointer on the real herb route. I'll speak to him about that also...and I definitely won't self medicate. I told him about the formulas you mentioned and he said that perhaps it would work but he needs to check me first. All it takes is one wrong combination and I could make things worse. @Andrei Your knowledge is appreciated. I will stay away from caffeine, cigarettes, alcohol - all drugs for that matter! So far, in the last 24 hours I've had one cola, but the cigarettes remain on my table untouched and I've had no alcohol today. I feel physically unable to take such things anyway, I think I've hit the point where I really don't want them and want to make a change. You're totally right about the impossibility of meditation. This is exactly why I quit a few months ago...I lost faith. I erupted and got angry during a session and gave up - now I know that it was probably the combination of toxins and diet along with the stress that went into overdrive. Meditation isn't a magic cure for everything, I must remember this. As I am at least a week away from obtaining any herbs, and that I'm in a foreign country where I struggle to understand much of the language, I will work on staying sober and eating enough vegetables/non processed foods as well as breathing. This will hopefully help me stay sane at the very least. @RT Yes, the screen watching is a terrible habit. We live on smartphones and screens are everywhere. My fiancee and I are bad for watching TV before bed but I've told her that I need to make changes. I think a lot will ride on us both working together to change bad habits. I like the idea of a system that will get me up in at the same time, and to go to bed at the same time every day. The trouble is, I am fearful that if I don't get to sleep, that when I awake I won't function well. I used to have a 9-5 job and sometimes, I wouldn't get to sleep until 5am after going to bed at 10pm. I think I still suffer from this previous trauma. These days I'm freelance in entertainment which does nothing for my sleep patterns. I am looking into getting other work that will allow me to have a routine. @CodyWizard Good question. I used to practice Kung Fu daily but my club fell apart. Turns out my instructor had issues of his own.... not great for students trying to find a decent path only to be let down by their guide. I therefore stopped and went back to weight training along with stretching routines and occasional cardio. I think that this could be contributing to the stress as I'm making a point of getting a workout in, even if I have a particularly busy day. I just feel the need to distract myself and to get physical to take me away from the emotinal rollercoaster that has been my family life for a while. One thing I did do before I went away was see my GP and he has booked me back in for counselling that starts on 9 November. I know this will help me vent to an impartial source but still, I need to practice daily in something as he won't always be by my side. So perhaps I ought to turn to tai chi or yoga instead of the more aggressive exercise in weight lifting.

Actually reading it back, I get the night sweats, palpitations, fearfulness...forgetfulness (this is a new one too which is concerning!) Um, all of the above lol

Interesting Gerard! I'm not entirely sure what internal dampness is but I can admit two things: 1) I live in a damp environment. We have had to our landlord to get more ventilation and I have to sleep with a dehumidifyer in my room too (which fills up every night without fail!) 2) I am looking for a herbal answer as I have been using cigarettes, alcohol and weed to settle the nerves which yes, I should know better but I've just been so weak I've relapsed and become quite self-destructive What exactly clases as a TCM practitioner and where would I go about finding one? I have had so much trouble finding authenticity before and this is a part of my worry!

Monks have a cool image too XD Supposedly it means nothing. Why the need to grow hair, cool beards and wear those robes and hats then? I guess it's a necessary sign post so that outsiders know who they're talking to.