Songtsan

BIG YES - its real and its true MXE is my favorite so far.....it works and its like walking the edge of a knife - it can heal you if you know how to use it right and it can harm you....just be careful... I think drugs like hallucinogens and dissociatives are best used for spiritual work - using them directly for fun is not so good...While using them for spiritual work likely involves fun experiences, the foremost intent should be for self-evolution. Even Patanjali said that drugs could be used to attain gnosis. There is a huge history of sadhus in India and other types of yogis using various compounds...

Interesting - I will contemplate this. I always saw the Yin Yang as such: black side is emptiness, with a seed of fullness, white side is fullness, containing the seed of emptiness. The seed of fullness is how all fullness springs from emptiness...and the seed of emptiness is how emptiness springs from fullness. The whole thing is of course, emptiness = fullness and fullness equals emptiness. If you spin the Yin Yang symbol at fast speeds, it all tends towards the 'one' and the defining barriers disappear. I view the spinning as the movement of time - motion and change - everything spinning in a maelstrom of energy/matter, everything changing places, melting together. See spinning yin yang here...gets faster and faster towards the end...almost forming spiral with a point at center which I think represents the tendency of everything to approach godhead/unity/etc...see how in the end the Yin Yang disappears into whiteness - this represents unifying the cosmos and becoming all that is - you become fullness...white contains all colors thus its is fullness, black contains nothing, thus it is emptiness, and is waiting to be filled, even filled by the seed of fullness that exists within which is the primordial void: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFHZxwIN6AI

Its something from an anime series which I cant remember - I choose a female avatar as I am male, to remind myself to be feminine on the inside as well as masculine....I also sometimes also visualize myself as a Goddess or dakini. I actually visualize myself as everything and everyone as I believe you cannot achieve unity with the Tao unless you first become comfortable feeling like everything. As they say in the Tibetan book of the Dead, we are all the demons and gods, evil/good, left/right...etc. We are all dualities. We contain the world within us. We are all rapists, murderers, dictators, idiots, retarded, and also are all saints, saviors, geniuses, plumbers, children, elderly, and everything. As the mind is a minitiature reflection of ultimate reality, we are 'that' - each fractured thought construct within us represents an aspect of reality - a persona or avatar if you will. We have a mind construct for everything...they are aggregate mind constructs, meaning they are associatively connected with related memories. I spend extra time on unifying myself with anything that I unconsciously or subconsciously consider my opposite - because that is where ignorance and lines that separate is deepest - and these will not help me to unify myself....some of my opposites are females (as I am male), wealthy (as I am poor and suffer from envy - so I visualize myself as wealthy inside so that I can learn to love myself), popular and well liked (as I am a virtual unknown, am aloof and don't inspire trust in others to some extent), and so on - you get the point....oh yeah we are also all inanimate objects...chairs, tables, piles of refuse...anything you have ever been aware exists within your mind, and so you are 'that,' as we are all our mind. I am your mind, you are my mind. The Hong Sau mantra says, 'I am that,' or 'I am it,' There is a reverse technique - the 'Neti, Neti' mantra which states ,'I am not this' It actually works on the same principle, but in reverse - and is just as effective....I went with the other one and am firmly dedicated to it now...

I have a formulaic, scientific mind...I am aiming at those types of minds, not every type of mind out there - I like computers and science and formal logic methods....something for everyone out there...I also intend to refine the system and use multliple explanation styles, and more metaphors when I am finished with it. The approach is important, I agree, which is also why I am trying to get others to help me refine it - using groupthink to refine it basically. I appreciate your input and will definitely be integrating it into the final product. Thank you.

I'll try to respond to each post every one made, but I feel like answering this one first, because I knew that certain people would say this and I really want to explain my purpose in doing this in the first place. It is this: The mind is like a reflection of the universe. A map of the real thing. So while it is part of the universe, it is also separate...kind of like a Russian nested doll. We only know the reflection from a dualistic standpoint. Everything else but mind is outside of our direct, unfiltered awareness - just a reflection. Most people live in their mind palaces or mind reflections. It is really difficult to meditate and attain samadhi or absorption. I have only attained briefly flashes from working really hard. I may eventually be able stay in that state, but I sinerely believe it is only a perception attainment at the same time, until full and permanent samadhi occrs - then you are an extension of absolute reality and there is no more 'I', just reality...pre-Nirvana realizations are definitely the most accurate reflection of the truth one can approach. One can shape their mind to most accurately approach true Tao or Nirvana or permanent absorption by using contemplation with thought - lots of evidence for this out there. The reason I am making this tool is to help better explain how the mind works and thus the universe to all those who will not meditate - who see no reason to do so, and yet still want to understand and have as accurate a reflection of reality as they can. I can tell you that there are more people like that then there are people who wish to meditate. So instead of just telling people - "you should meditate and find absorption," I am aiming to help them in the way they are willing to be helped. Saying that you should just meditate to someone who does not want to or feel like doing will simply fall on deaf ears. Give someone a tool that they WILL use and they will use it and and WILL helpful. Give someone a tool that they refuse to use and they will simply drop it on the ground and your energy was mostly wasted. I know that this is true for I have done it myself ten thousand times and seen others themselves do it ten thousand times. The funny thing is that those who speak of just dropping the mind and seeking unity often have just as inferior mind maps as anyone else...Their mental models of the universe are still incomplete truths. I have talked with supposedly enlightened people who have spoken twisted reflections of reality - people who meditated every day for years. So obviously those who meditate are not doing all that better than those who refine their thought constructs using logic and mental gnosis. If you look up jnana yoga, you will see that the way I am doing this has actually been around since at least Patanjali's day and age. It truly works. The proof is in thousands of years of evolution. You cannot say that people on average dont already have more exact mind maps of what reality is than they did thousands of years ago when they thought that the earth was flat and that the sun rotated around the earth. I find that people who think that their way is the 'one way' are often responding from a force of habuit or reflex action which is based on believing that their way is the one most rightest way...If you look at the 7 point lists, you will clearly see why I think that there is no one right way...if there was, I think that that one right way would have had such obvious power that everyone would have already evolved to do it. The fact that most people operate on a dualistic level from the logical gnosis way might even indicate that the way I am doing is the best way for most people...note the stress on most....there can be no one best way...supposedly at least...I think all truths have truth, and all truths are false...Just see my 7 point list and you will see how I will likely respond to any statement you make to me...I will say: That is true, that is not true, that is both true and not true, that is neither true nor false, I will say nothing to you, or I will say anything...There are also things that I might have said which dont exist so they never could have happened. Still cant figure our if thats important or not. Also there is this: In Taoism, there is no one right way to respond to any action...Tai chi states that the natural response will occur if we stay empty. If you are being attacked and you think of a way to respond, from some set of pre-fabricated actions in your head, the other person can get through your defenses easily. If you have a knee-jerk reaction to someone else's ways, by holding a fixed way in your head that responds to certain behaviors in a certain way every time, you are not being one with the Tao. Instead of aiming to shut someone else's attempt to improve themselves down, by saying essentialy, "Your way sucks, try my way," which just causes them to feel bad or get defensive, you should respond by using the best action for the moment - respond from emptiness. If you hold in your head the intention to help people where they are at, rather than holding in your head the way you would like them to be, you will contribute more enlightenment to everyone. As I said, if a person is not ready, the tool will be dropped....not only dropped, but the person won't even hold their hand out to accept the tool in the first place - it will bounce off their brain, make no mark whatsoever...especially if its something they have heard ten thousand times before (which I have heard what you said at least that many times)...you waste your energy on me. You must take each occasion as it arises and apply your energy where it is most effective. This is in accordance with the Tao. You will produce much more enlightenment in your life this way both in self and other. Learn to dance with all reality, not just within your own mind-map, which is mainly designed for your own self. I dont doubt your opinion has shown itself to be best for you, but it is not best for me at this time.

They say that there are two urges in life: 'eros' and 'thanatos' - or will and desire to seek life and the sensations of life and the will and desire to seek death and ending of life things....people will kill themselves when thanatos outweighs eros...you will know when things are like this - there won't even be a question of whether its time to kill yourself - you will be driven to do it subconsciously with such strength that it is as overwhelming as scratching a terrible itch...

I am looking for new music (mainly Eastern) for contemplative listening, or ecstatic moods, if anyone could post some links. Here are some are some of my favs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRcNDWztKNI http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0HPrEGl7u0

On trigger points...what I recommend is to do your own trigger point work...use various devices like thera-canes (http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=thera-cane&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=1100030321&hvpos=1t3&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=19160319431416862897&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_2elkok37vh_b) and the little hand tools you can buy and work on them every day. I was a professional massage therapist and I was trained in trigger point technique. I could get massage trades from fellow therapists as often as I wanted and I still did my own trigger point work on myself - in some ways its more effective to work on yourself. 90% of known trigger points (that is...places where trigger points commonly developed and can be charted/mapped) are synonymous with acupressure points. The techniques are simple once learned. Basically apply pressure to the trigger point for 8 seconds, 4 seconds off, while practicing an extreme form of neuromuscular relaxation to assist in release. Then follow by stretching the muscle when all trigger point work is done. There is also the use of PIR tehcnique http://donmillermassage.wordpress.com/2011/07/05/how-to-use-post-isometric-relaxation/ You can work wonders being your own massage therapist. Daily massage practice can do as much as yoga or exercise for the muscles and is an essential part of self-cultivation and wellness. As far as your description of being tense in the solar plexus area, etc. around people, and thinking too much - this sounds a lot like either general anxiety disorder or social anxiety disorder combined with a tendency towards hyperumination. What this means is that your fight-or-flight system becomes overactivated. This is probably not due to entities at all. When your fight-or-flight system is overactivated, your kidneys are overworked as well (adrenaline produced on the kidneys). It also leads to physical symptoms such as a sensation of shortness of breath, 'electrical' sensations in the chest or solar plexus, even nauseau. The best thing to do is to stop hyperruminating...there is a tendency to dwell on stressful events which just becomes a positive reinforcement loop - you get more and more stressed and anxiety becomes high. If entities are atttracted to people, its simply often because of high emotionality, or intense emotionality. Its not that they are causing you to be like this, they are just interested in the intense electromagnetic effects that you are naturally experiencing on your own. One of the best techniques is all day long mindfulness meditation - simply staying aware of only the present sensations helps to reduce anxiety because anxiety is often caused by conscious or subconscious dwelling on stressful life events, or even mental cogitations on possible stressful events. For example, if you consciously or subconsciously think anxious thoughts when around people, you will activate your fight-or-flight system as you internally tense, because you are expecting bad things to happen. It is easily tested by taking some CNS depressants like alcohol or benzodiazapenes....not for regular use, but simply to see if the symptoms are ameliorated. If they are when you use a CNS depressant, you know that it is a simply mental-chemical issue that you can start to work on. If you are relaxed when alone and thinking of innocent things, but get frazzled when in public or thinking stressful thoughts, it shows you what work you need to do. You are not only emotionally sensitive, but also experience intense spikes of emotions is my bet...which means you have to work harder than someone who is more even keel.

I tried merging a thousand thousand times, it still and always remains other. Merging with ones own chi, yes I hear that...merging with a separate distinct intelligence, haven't been able to yet. It is as if there are two minds in one body, except that this other mind spans multiple bodies (not going to go into the evidence for that at this time). Sort of like humans are a bot-net that a sort of amorphous intelligent energy entity has inserted 'tentacles' into? Maybe - thats one theory. The Buddhist deity images of 1000-armed Chenrezig, Kwan-Yin, etc. with their thousands of eyes and thousands of hands metaphorically portray this being. We are its eyes, and we are its hands, we are its minds, we are its voices, we are legion. It influences untold numbers of humanity through our dreams, by inserting thoughts, emotions, concepts, and everything else you can think of into our minds. We are not it, but we are of it. I never said I thought it was evil...read my post- I said that I have decided not to label it as anything, I only speculate from time to time and try to note patterns from the research I have been doing, which is mostly reading other about people's experiences. There are many individuals throughout history who have talked of having 'other' intelligences that they could communicate with. Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido, described how most of his occult powers were because of his spirit friend, Joan of Arc describes the voice of God telling her what to do, Socrates described having a Daemon that lived in his ear that gave him amazing ideas; 19th century mathematician James Clerk Maxwell, developed fundamental equations unifying electricity and magnetism, declared that “something inside him” had made the discoveries. He actually had no idea how he developed his great insights. I am sure there are dozens of more historical examples I could find if I was so motivated and that is on my list of things to do. Some of this stuff is quoted from a post I made on another site. It seems whenever I talk about my way of viewing things, that I hear these same arguments against me. Like I said I am 'new school.' I understand that some people say that the prana, chi, is sentient, and that kundalini is just the awakening chi becoming aware of itself. I simply have a different belief. Its a separate intelligence that is close to our own nervous systems, but not of it. We'll have to agree to disagree.

I see what you are saying. I am in fact an adherent to the view that subjectively speaking, 'all is mind,' which I guess could be called nondualism, whereas I also believe that objectively, there is more than just my mind and my perception, in a dualist way (self and other). So both dual and nondualism are true, and neither. I don't view the entities as ugly, negative, or mean...just as an "other" and also as an unknown- actually I try not to label 'anything as anything' as often as possible. This particular subject (kundalini, entities, etc.) is one that there is much speculation about in spiritual circles...I happen to be more of the 'new school' belief - not the old one that kundalini is just an energy or that it is something intrinsic to humans in every case. I don't believe or agree with that at all. One thing that I know is that something other than myself is looking out through my 'eyes' i.e. using my nervous system as a sort of 'viewport.' It is an other, not made up in my mind, but something that has taken 'residence' in my nervous system per se. I experienced all the classic kundalini awakening symptoms, but they were definitely caused by this other. It has proven not to be me at all, but of an outside force. This is common among humans - many hundreds of thousands of people with these things 'integrated' to different extents to/in their nervous systems, a sort of bioelectrical relationship ....some people believe that we are not the 'top of the food chain' - that there are beings of a noncorporeal, possibly electromagnetic nature, that integrate with 'host' nervous systems and influence those hosts. This is basically my view in a nutshell in regards to kundalini. I don't think it is 'living off' of me necessarily, could just be looking out through my senses, or making a nice home to live in - who knows? It purposefully showed me any of the classic 'kundalini tricks,' such as causing the amrita nectar to produce and drop down my throat, various spontaneous kriyas and yogas, or the microcosmic orbit sensation of blissful energy streams running down the Yin channel and up the Yang, saying at the time that it did this that it was "To prove a point" to me, as I had been wondering if these things actually occurred if you meditated or were superstition. It did this without me having to meditate at all. I believe that there are different entities out there, some are more playful than others, some are seemingly more negative, others stay behind the scenes mostly. It depends a lot on the subconscious desires of the person they reside in, i.e. they tend to mirror or play upon your expectations of what you think they are...kind of like playing the role you project upon them...I have noted some interesting patterns to various things such as spirit guides, automatic writing, channeling, and other things that have been labeled as 'demons,' 'scheckinah,' 'aliens,' ghosts,' 'dark force entities,' 'archons,' 'succubus/incubus,' 'holy spirit,' and so on.

I don't want to hijack this thread...I will try to make a new thread when I have the motivation to collate a bunch of material. Thank you for your opinion, but my experience is different than what you know from your experiences. Its real and separate and backed by hundreds of others' experiences like mine. I am not interested in arguing the point however. I tentatively agree

I say this with many years of personal experience and in-depth research behind me...too much information to post here though. It would be a small books worth of text.

Kundalini effects and symptoms are caused by entities. Kundalini isn't what you think it is. My personal opinion.

It's your choice. TTB itself doesn't 'promote' drugs, yet various members have pro-stances towards these substances. You are free to disagree with members views, just don't try to start a flame war; no personal insults or labeling - its bad feng shui. Be cordial. Disagree if you like, but do it with good manners. Try to avoid subjective attribution bias.

...more than that...you have to really desire it a lot - build new habits that will enable you to finally do it. Start adopting the various practices that are recommended at the astral traveling websites. Several times an hour you should check in with your reality and ask yourself, "Am I dreaming right now?" If you ingrain this habit within yourself, you should eventually wake up in the dream when you ask yourself this. You realize, yes you are dreaming. There is also the 'wake to sleep' method, where you purposefully set your alarm clock to wake you earlier than you really need to wake up. Then you go back to sleep with the intent to wake in the dream. To actually lay down and purposefully astral travel without falling to sleep first, you must master complete relaxation - see savasana yoga pose - see progressive neuromuscular relaxation technique, etc....you must put your body to sleep fully while keeping your mind awake. It shuts a part of your brain down that interfaces with body sensation...there are so many techniques you must learn just to get out of your body. Build your daily practices layer by layer from all sides. Do your research.

awesome thank you.

excuse me, but please see: http://thetaobums.com/topic/4237-insult-policy-reminder/ thank you

what about a combination of a hallucinogen plus a dissociative like ketamine?

tons of binaural beats and isochronic ones and mixed ones on youtube...many with links for free downloads...just search for them. Here is an excerpt from a classic book on astral projection (forgot the name): " Ordinary habit and ordinary desire, although they will sometimes bring about projection, in the proper temperament, will as a rule not impress the subconscious mind strongly. Intense desire and long-standing habit, as you can see, will make a stronger impression upon the subconscious mind, and are therefore more positive. In fact, long-standing habit and intense desire root themselves in the subconscious mind. If you have a deep-rooted habit, and suddenly break it, the stress of expression becomes intensified in the subconscious mind. The breaking of a long-standing habit, or the suppressing of a desire, are stronger factors than mere habit or desire. The subconscious Will and the conscious Will are two different things. Everyone follows some routine, and the action becomes, through repetition, deeply routed in the subconscious mind. It is the rooting of the habit which becomes so strong that it bursts forth-thus suggesting to the subconscious Will to perform the action. It is the suggestion which bursts forth- not the subconscious will. The may come from either the conscious or the subconscious mind. When the subconscious Will decides to move the body when we sleep- it merely takes a suggestion from the subconscious mind. It is the suggestion which suddenly comes forth, and the reason we use “tenacious routine” is to impress that suggestion, so that it will come forth by night. If there is anything which needs to be strengthened, it is the conscious will, so that we shall stick steadfastly to our routine and force its impression upon the subconscious mind. When an act or thought is repeated and repeated, naturally it is more strongly impressed upon the subconscious mind, and naturally it will “suggest” itself more easily. When we use our conscious will power, and hold tenaciously to a routine, or when we like (desire) the routine so much that we hold fast to it, we impress it so strongly upon the subconscious mind that it stays there, on the surface, or comes to the surface, when we sleep (suggests itself) and the subconscious will is impelled to move the body. A suppressed desire is really an intensified desire in the subconscious mind, and thus it comes to the surface and acts as a suggestion while we sleep. If the suggestion of “routine” comes to the surface of the subconscious mind, while we sleep, and we project in the astral body, unless we become conscious and direct our movements, the phantom will go through the movements of the routine. A dream can cause a habit. A habit can cause a dream. A desire can cause a habit. A habit can cause a desire. A desire can cause a dream. A dream can cause a desire, etc. You will find by analysis that all somnambulisms and all astral projections are caused by the same fundamental factors- desire, habit, or dream of the proper type. You should so thoroughly saturate your subconscious mind with ‘astral projection’ that it creates a stress of astral projection in your mind. You do this through your conscious mind, through tenacious study of the art-practice of the art, thinking of the art. Desire plus habit will dominate the subconscious Will more completely than habit alone. Develop a strong habit of the study of astral projection, make a routine of the practice of the art, desire the ability to project in your astral body so strongly that your mind is dominated by “astral projection.” Induce complete passivity of the physical body, and “rise” to sleep, visualizing the route the phantom invariably takes on projecting. That is the way to project at will. " ...anyways, so astral projection takes work is what it is saying...unless you are one of those people who naturally do it without trying...but basically it takes as much cultivation as any intermediate level spiritual goal, up to 6 months to a year of work in a lot of individuals...if you seriously want to do it, try a forum specifically devoted to it, such as http://www.forumforastral.com/ or http://www.astralpulse.com/forums/index.php or others...they have all the techniques posted and a billion people ready to give advice. Usually you start by learning to lucid dream.

to me, time is change, and it is change that is measured relative to something that changes in a regular set pattern. All time is relative to something. So its real, but only in a comparison way - change is a fact, but time itself is not some kind of universal law - it is a mental concept, a comparison of observable, measurable cycles. Without a mind to observe the cycles of the universe, there would be no one to note time, although change would still exist, but time itself would not be noted because it takes a reflective consciousness to observe cycles...so time is a mental model based on observable cycles, but the key point is having an observer in the first place. So time is real and not real.

hmmm...perhaps some kind of extreme catharsis is needed? This helped me at one point. Finding my crystallized anger at childhood issues that were never properly dealt with led to great emotional release...expression of extreme sadness and anger eventually led to extreme happiness and a feeling of being alive again. I did stuff like punching pillows, screaming as loud as I could in bridge tunnels, and had some excellent results through practicing pranayamas (yogic breathing techniques - especially nadi shodhana, and surya bedhana)- they seemed to incite and then release alot of frustration/anger in me, which later led to peace. Also, practicing toning exercises (chanting vowel sounds ah, ee, oo, etc.) in various positions seemed to release a lot of trapped emotional energy, especially in a sitting position with the head thrown back...just let the tones naturally come out. Also, something not to be overlooked is seeking out novel experiences...this is directly correlated to increased dopamine release....it even helps if there is an added element of stress involved. For example, one time when I was really depressed in general, I decided to start taking partner dance lessons in East Coast Lindy Hop, Samba, and some others...this actually made me feel alive again. Throw yourself into something that provokes some anxiety. When you go to partner dance classes, you are forced to be in close contact with people - this would be good for you. Many people's lives are so regimented and predictable, that the brain stops producing feel good chemicals as much because the challenge is gone. Thats why hobbies such as beach combing, using a metal-detector, mushroom hunting- anything where you find something are so exciting...think back to our primate days - we are meant to be constantly searching, discovering...you need to break out of your mold. Go skydiving! I cannot imagine that someone could go skydiving and not have an exciting experience. Also, I just wanted to recommend some nootropics: 5-hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP) and L-Dopa (see: mucuna)-these are the precursors for serotonin and dopamine respectively - you should be able to buy 5-HTP at any big chain grocery store, take as directed, more is not better...mucuna at a vitamin store, or else on the internet....they are pretty cheap....they have worked for me to some extent.... You also have to start thinking in terms of making 'small gains' - for example you have had a lot of good advice in your thread...there are many things which will help: blue light, vitamin D, exercise, nootropics, dont masturbate, internet dating, massages, cleaning your room, etc etc....if any one of these things produces even a 1% change...then do as many as possible and you will see a significant change...think 'overkill' do everything at once that is recommended...something will happen...guaranteed. Work from all angles, physical, nutritional, social, environmental, and so on....try everything...you have a purpose right now....to feel better. Make a list of things to do and get to doing them.

Well, here is something then...join some clubs, groups, etc. church group, hobby group, hiking group, whatever - anything that is open to the general public...preferably with people your own age. There is this thing called the 'mere exposure effect' in psychology. That means that people become used to and start to open up to things, people, or situations that they are exposed to on a frequent basis. Perhaps you come off as aloof, standoffish, depressed, etc and that is why you are having trouble meeting people? Whatever it is, joining a group will bypass that....if you are always there at the group meetings, then people will start to interact with you, and you will get a chance to socialize more. Also, put up ads on craigslists 'strictly platonic' section...explain that you are looking for a friend and that you are kind of an introvert and not socially experiened...put an ad in both the mens and womens section, so you can have more chances of finding a pal. Also, have you tried drinking alcohol? Seriously, its a social lubricant..dont get wasted, but try drinking a few beers and your inhibitions and anxiety will get lowered and you might find that you are suddenly in conversation with people (assuming you are drinking somewhere there are people)..It worked for me in the past...Also, this one is risky, and a lot of people would disagree with me, but if all else fails, get some MDMA (ecstasy) or MDA and use it to work through your problems. If you take it and you feel more positive - take some in a social situation - not enough to be tripping balls, just enough to augment your social skills. Do your research on it first if you go this route. I did it through a slightly different route, by using LSD, but it kind of elevates you above yourself so that you can view your life problems through a more aware perspective...your first time should be a small amount, like a 1/4 hit...It works on serotonin receptors. I think a lot of your problem is low serotonin...serotonin is kind of a social chemical...experiments show that people with optimal serotonin levels are more social, more likely to find intimacy, and more outgoing in life. If you aren't into prescription meds, there are herbal alternatives like St John's Wort, or nootropics like 5-HTP which might help. Also, how is your nutrition? Are you eating well? Are you getting exercise? Physical health influences emotional health. Thats enother idea too: join an exercise group, like Yoga, Tai chi, dance....again you can meet people - if they see you there a few times a week you are bound to meet someone eventually. Remember if you get rejected 99 times out of a 100, go out there and take those 100 chances, because eventually you will end up meeting someone.

A lot of depression/anxiety issues and generally sensitivity is genetically influenced. Your family may seem unhelpful and uncaring simply because they also have these issues themselves. I had some similar issues as you growing up, maybe not as bad, but certainly like yours. I dont have any friends right now either, but I dont want any...I grew to be happy as a loner, but still socially able. Usually I am happy just having one significant other. So if you could simply find someone to care for you, it would help - not that that is necessary to find happiness, but it sure helps. Try online dating, or even just seeking casual sex - maybe even lower your standards for a bit to get experience - if you haven't had any friends, then that means you are likely very socially inmature...so you need to start getting some experience now before it just starts compounding. You are going to have to become immune to rejection during this process, because it is probably going to happen. When I look back on my life and all the years I was alone, I found that I was rejecting people just as much as they were rejecting me. It was my own fault that I was alone. There were many times people tried to open up to me but I judged them back because of my own hurt at being judged. Go out there and find someone who is willing to be with you and start exploring intimacy. It will heal you and make you better. Accept those who would accept you and do not judge. Also, if you are not already...try medication for anxiety and depression. Effexor works great for me...I start getting more social and talkative, less anxious, etc. People around me notice the difference. If you need to use a stepladder to get out of your pit, then do it. The ends justify the means.

Theoretical models are only to prove a point. However unlikely, IF something like that were to happen, and a choice needed to be made, then the true measure of a person would be seen. Nothing to do with fear, only to prove a point. I use theoretical models in my head all the time to figure things out. For example, if I feel depressed, I visualize a scenario that I have won the lottery, which immediately makes me feel happy and excited, merely to prove to myself that my depression is situational and likely due to my thinking habits. Just an example. Situational models are a spiritual technique to break through misunderstandings. I have been using them for decades. They are a way to get out of your normal way of thinking by confronting a situation internally which might tell you something about yourself that you were directly aware of. The only rule that applies to humans and their behavior on an ultimate level is basically the thelemic law that 'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law' This is no morally imposed law imposed from on high; simple human nature is that we have absolute free will within the limits of our abilities. Everyone can do what they can do, or as Captain Jack in Pirates of the Caribbean said, "The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do.' Anything else is relative morals, but I am talking about ultimates in this case. People can debate their relative views on what people should do, but ultimately, all 'shoulds' are illusions. Even if every other person in the world said that I should do a certain thing, or act from a certain ethical ground, I don't have to agree with them or do anything they want. And they could judge me as they will, because that is their right, but there are no ultimate universal rules that govern my behavior, and any moral rules I impose upon myself or allow others to impose upon me are agreements. There is a reason Buddhists take vows not to judge, not to label, not to be attached to their own opinions, and not to defend opinions. When you attach to opinions, you create suffering within your self, when you judge and label other people as such and such, you again create stress between yourself and them. The suffering could be even anger that another person won't accept your point of view as their own, or simply anger that they refuse to try to understand (but not neccesarily accept), your point of view. Here are some Taoist/Buddhist quotes that apply: "Peaceful in heart- unperturbed by attachment and aversion when in contact with agreeable and disagreeable objects." "None of us is okay and all of us is fine. It’s not just one way. We are all walking, talking, paradoxes. All passion, aggression, heartbreak, etc. is simply passing memory. It is all just thought. This is how we begin to wake up to our innate ability to let go, to reconnect with shunyata, or absolute bodhichitta. Also, this is how we awaken our compassion, our heart, our innate softness, relative bodhichitta. Use labeling with great gentleness as a way to touch those dramas and acknowledge that you just made them all up with this conversation you’re having with yourself." "Rest in the nature of alaya, the essence, the minds natural state, which is the open primordial basis of all phenomena. We can rest in the fundamental openness and enjoy the display of whatever arises without making a big deal. In post-meditation, be a child of illusion. What you see is not here and its not not here. It’s both and neither. Everything you hear is the echo of emptiness, yet there is sound- it’s real – the echo of emptiness. Good, bad, happy, sad, all thoughts vanish into emptiness like the imprint of a bird in the sky." "When the three poisons arise- passion, aggression, and ignorance – the instruction is to drop the story line, which means – instead of acting out or repressing- use the situation as an opportunity to feel your heart, to feel the wound. Use it as an opportunity to touch that soft spot. Underneath all that craving or aversion or jealousy or feeling wretched about yourself, underneath all that hopelessness and despair and depression, there is something extremely soft, which is called bodhichitta. When we don’t act out and we don’t repress, then our passion, our aggression, and our ignorance becomes our wealth. The poison already is the medicine. You don’t have to transform anything. Simply letting go of the story line is what it takes, which is not that easy. Just start where you are. When resistance is gone, so are the demons." "Stop trying to control what happens and cultivate “un-intention” "Sometimes when you’re feeling miserable, you challenge people to see if they will still like you when you show them how ugly you can get" "Let righteous indignation be your guide that you are holding on to your self. Taking responsibility yourself is a quality of being able to see things clearly. Another part of taking responsibility is gentleness, which goes along with not judging, not labeling. Finally, keep going forward. See what you do as clearly and as compassionately as you can and then go on. Don’t get frozen into any identity. Don’t be so predictable- don’t react predictably to pleasure and pain." "“Train without bias in all areas.” It is crucial to do this pervasively and whole heartedly. Train without bias, without the labels. See bias when it comes up and begin to connect with how painful that is, to feel the prejudice, the resentment, the judgment. Begin to see what you do, and don’t necessarily try to change it; just see it. Learn to be big and small at the same time. Become comfortable being either big or small, either right or wrong. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together. Whether it is glorious or wretched, delightful or hateful, be patient. The real happiness that underlies both gloriousness and wretchedness often gets short-circuited by our jumping too fast into the same habitual pattern. " "Fear influences judgments and creates binding compulsions." "Impartiality is the highest nobility. The Way is always uncontrived, yet there is nothing it doesn’t do. By not wanting, there is calm, and the world will straighten itself. The satisfaction of contentment is always enough. This is the epitome of harmony. Knowing harmony is called constancy, knowing constancy is called clarity; enhancing life is called propitious, the mind mastering energy is called strong. When beings climax in power, they wane; this is called being unguided. The unguided die early. When people are born they are supple, and when they die they are stiff. When trees are born they are tender, and when they die they are brittle. Stiffness is thus the cohort of death, flexibility a cohort of life. The mind drawing near to death cannot bring about a restoration of positivity." "When the mind neither sorrows nor delight, that is supreme attainment of virtue. To succeed without changing is supreme attainment of calm. To be unburdened by habitual desires is supreme attainment of emptiness. To have no likes and dislikes is supreme attainment of equanimity. Not getting mixed up with things is supreme attainment of purity. When the mind is always desireless, this can be called tranquility; when the body is always unoccupied, this can be called leisure." "When the spirit controls the body, the body obeys; when the body overrules the spirit, the spirit is exhausted. Although intelligence is useful, it needs to be returned to the spirit. This is called the great harmony. Sages respond to being by nonbeing, unfailingly finding out the inner pattern; they receive fullness by emptiness, unfailingly finding out the measure. They live out their lives with calm joy and empty tranquility. Therefore they are not too distant from anything and not too close to anything." "Sadness and happiness are deviations of virtue; likes and dislikes are a burden to the mind; joy and anger are excesses on the way." "Once fundamental reality is lost sight of, then emotions run wild. But the seed of all emotions is craving. If you don’t crave anything, you don’t want anything; if you don’t want anything, how can you be attracted to anything? If you are not attracted to anything you are not repulsed by anything; if you are neither attracted nor repulsed, what anger can there be? If there is no anger, what fear can there be? Without fear, there is no sadness." "What the ears hear and what the eyes see may be beautiful or ugly, fair, or foul, may have any of a countless variety of features. You view them subjectively, like dreams, yet you do not understand this and become actually attached to them. First conscious of what is pleasing and displeasing, you devise strategies, uneasy and anxious, agitated and restless, so the luminous essence of mind is covered by shadows and you become feebleminded, unable to attain clarity. How can you study the great Way in this condition?" "Presumption of personal knowledge greatly obstructs the Way; you go back and forth in a fog, stagnant, without expanding." "Bedevilments arising in the mind are ideas of self and others, ideas of glory and ignominy, ideas of gain and loss, ideas of right and wrong, ideas of profit and honor, ideas of superiority. These are dust on the pedestal of the spirit, preventing freedom. When one becomes comfortable, one becomes lazy, repeating vicious circles into which one becomes trapped and bound." "“The open spirit does not die; it is the entry to all marvels.” The way of the sages is great indeed: open and free, responding to cause, pure and serene. What is the use of different doctrines? Arbitrary indulgence in fuss and confusion makes the obstacle of doubt, by which people impede themselves. What a pity that they do not understand and wind up subject to pernicious influences." "The obstacle of principle is very harmful to the Way. The obstacle caused by individual clinging to partiality prevents comprehensive perception. The obstacle of Confucians is in reification, the obstacle of Taoists is in nothingness, and the obstacle of Buddhists is in emptiness. " "The mystic essential is to balance openness and realism." "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or idealogy, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are no absolute truth." "Do no think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice non-attachment from views in order to be open to receive others’ viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times." "Do not force others including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrowness." "Do not maintain anger or hatred. As soon as anger and hatred arise, practice the meditation on compassion in order to deeply understand the persons who have caused anger and hatred. Learn to look at other beings with the eyes of compassion." "When you see beyond “good” and “bad,” you are much better able to recognize and make the most out of what’s there." "Buddhism views idealism as a form of delusion fused with greed. As dreams of what we wish for and gentle reminders of what we are working towards, ideals are just fine. To the seriously drunken idealist however, they can be an intoxicating source of greed and delusion mixed." "The cause for fundamental frustration and suffering lies in the fact that we hold onto things, grasp after them, are attached to them. A profound, direct, and personal experience of the world in the manner which is described by the Noble Truths makes it easy to let go of the habits of attachment and intoxication. And with this, acceptance of ‘just what is’ arises naturally. Acceptance in Buddhism is not something that one has to find or ‘make happen’: it is simply the natural consequence of deep understanding. From acceptance comes serenity. " "Whatever you are doing, always strive to overcome perceptions, cognitions, and feelings, and you will have no afflictions." "“belief-systems, dogmatic views, closed convictions, fanatic ideologies, etc. are sickness to be cured by the medicine of emptiness.” "Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive; inner peace does not. When you live in complete acceptance of what is, there is no “good” or “bad” in life anymore." "“there is always room in the canoe going up shit creek.” "Do not use speech to make ourselves right and others wrong. Do not participate in gossip and do not use words as our vehicle for anger or jealousy." "Mindfulness helps us to see our own greed, our own rejection of others, and our inability to understand. When we realize that others are made miserable by the same poisons, this is the beginning of compassion and nonviolence. " "One thing the Buddha’s disciples found out that, if there is an argument, it cannot be about the truth. Truths, in Buddhism, do not insist upon themselves." "People engaged in self-cultivation should avoid discussing others’ strengths and weaknesses or right or wrong, as well as the ups and downs of society and all worldly affairs. But since all people usually have some good points, you should emulate them and avoid people’s bad points. Beyond this, don’t be concerned, and you will gradually reach peace." "Good and evil both arise in the moment of a thought. Let a single thought slip, and you’re obstructed by a thousand barriers. If you know there is no good and no evil, you are calm and serene, standing aloof like a great mountain." "“As a concept, Taoist do not hold the position of good against evil; rather they see the interdependence of all dualities. So when one labels something as a good, one automatically creates evil. That is, all concepts necessarily are based on one aspect vs. another; if a concept were to have only one aspect, it would be nonsensical. The reality of good and evil is that all actions contain some aspect of each. This is represented in the t'ai chi, more commonly referred to as the yin-yang symbol. Any action would have some negative (yin) and some positive (yang) aspect to it. Taoists believe that nature is a continual balance between yin and yang, and that any attempt to go toward one extreme or the other will be ineffective, self-defeating, and short-lived. When people interfere with the natural balance by trying to impose their egoistic plans, they will not succeed; rather, the non-egoistic person allows nature to unfold, watching it ebb and flow from good to bad and back again. Another way of understanding this is that the sage person understands the reality of good and evil, whereas the fool concentrates on the concept of good and evil. The sage knows that any evil will soon be replaced by good, the fool is forever fruitlessly trying to eliminate evil. Similar to the Buddhist concept of Sunyata ("the void"), good and evil are just empty conceptual abstractions that have no permanent independent existence.”" "Having standards, judging, forcing, and measuring are all subtle forms of attachment or delusion, and so they inevitably lead to more suffering instead of liberation. If, however, a person can simply go onward in honest unknowing, all that is avoided."

Death is sweet release. Most people don't fear death itself, but the suffering that occurs just before death, or suffering born of attachments that one has to things of life. So the ultimate fear is of having to endure suffering. So suffering is the ultimate programmer. Until one transcends that. Stress is a little form of suffering - everyday suffering. Stress motivates us to relieve it - its how we are programmed. We scratch an itch, we drink water when thirsty. So suffering the ultimate controller of human kind? Or is it pleasure? Is seeking pleasure really seeking to be away from suffering? Anways, here are some interesting conundrums: -A being of godlike power says to you that he will kill one thousand innocent beings unless you kill just one innocent being yourself. Refuse and they all die...what do you do? -You have one chance to kill a horrible person who has already killed hundreds of innocent people. You know that if you choose not to kill this horrible person, they will get away and kill hundreds more...do you kill him or not? -If you kill one innocent person, God will come down from on high and grant everyone on earth pure health and youth and material abundance...do you kill that one person? Its almost like we all have a boundary that defines our moral compass....I could probably come up with some kind of hypothetical scenario where just about everyone would say, "yes I would could one person for that." For example, if some imaginary God of everything says kill one person or I will destroy the entire universe and everyone in it...most people would kill someone for that...what is your boundary? Are you a potential killer? 99.9999% of people probably are under the right circumstance.