Search the Community

I returned from a 10-Day Vipassana Retreat a few days ago. Some of you may have been waiting for some sort of status update from me. I am struggling with what I want to say. I will attempt some words here with this post, and you can read my initial impressions at my blog: https://blisswriter.wordpress.com/2015/10/20/my-initial-thoughts-on-my-10-day-vipassana-retreat/ I will focus on how I feel, right now, in this moment. I am feeling anger, frustration, hurt and weariness. The best way I can describe my experience since my return is that it is like I have been given a treatment that makes me feel far worse than the disease. I knew, after the first day, that this was not the place for me. This was not what I needed at this time, and it especially was not what I wanted. I chalked it up to what I was told, everyone wants to quit on the first day, and I am an especially stubborn bastard. Plus SNG, in that first video discourse, alluded to anyone who leaves as being weak minded. So that was a challenge, as he intended it to be. The feeling that I did not belong there remained, becoming especially apparent again after the 4th day, but again I stuck with it, because everyone quits on the 5th and 6th day too. By the 8th day I was feeling deeply hurt inside, I was depressed and melacholy, but I stayed because now it was a matter of pride to see this through, to be able to tell others I made it through rather than have to say I qut within sight of the finishing line. The stupid things we do for or out of pride... Since I have been back I have felt especially raw. I feel worse than before I left. Sometime midway through the course I cried a lot before bed, tossing and turning, not able to sleep. I had this strong feeling that I could not kill myself. I had these reasonas why, never mind the bullshit SNG teaches. I had my own reasons. But I don't feel that anymore, I just have this memory, this echo. My whole life has been like this stupid course, it really has. I have kept myself going out of sheer stubbrness and pride, for no other reason. I am halfway through it now, the finish line is still not in sight. Yet I will keep going even though I don't have a single, solitary reason to do so. At the risk of sounding like a complaining, spoiled whiny little brat I have to say that this experience is not one I wanted. It could be argued that it may be needed at some time in my life. If this is so, I doubt very highly it was at this time. What I wanted, and what I think I needed, was a loving, supportive healing experience. I needed to recover. I needed clarity, space an a chance to get my feet under me, pull myself up by my bootstraps. I received some clarity, I received space. But I feel as if I have been further smashed into the ground by the sheer weight of all the shit I am forced to carry. In a year or less I will not have a place to live. I look around at other people, and they seem to have it figured out. They have jobs, have started families. It is a complete mystery to me, like a painting I just can't figure out or a code I can't decipher. As if there was a class but I never got the notice, never took it, now I have am F in "Getting Out On Your Own." I simply can't and won't do work that does not interest me, and I would prefer that I enjoy it. I simply can't and won't live my life alone. I am weary in body, mind and soul. I feel like I have been run through a meat grinder, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiriitually. I have no intention to ever return to one of these so-called "retreats." There is nothing there for me. In fact, I suspect there is nothing in this entire world for me. But that is a pretty stupid thing to say when I have seen so little of it. I guess we can add immature and naiive to my list of flaws. Fine. Just going to focus on helping my grandma get her stuff packed up, getting her moved out. See where my parents end up, test the fleece (referring to the Christian Bible, Gideon I think), see what employment or education opportunites are available. Already looked pretty well into the education side of things, not much there. But I won't close myself off, at least not yet. I will remain allowing, open and receptive. Once everyone is moved out and my work here is done I will make a decision as to what to do next. If there is nothing in this area for me, or that appeals to me, I am leaving. I will attempt to see a little of the world before I declare I don't belong in it. The Universe doesn't make mistakes, right? If I am here, there must be places where the puzzle peice that is my life can snap into. I am just about out of what little hope I could scrape together. Yes, I gained much from going to the course. I will not deny it. Deep stuff worked through, habbits broken. Sure. But if you keep thrustig the metal into the fire, beat on it, heat it, beat on it,. and never cool it, that metal will loose all its durbaility and strength. Everything and everyone requires some sort of rest. Nobody goes in for heart sugery and brain surgery at the same time. At least as far as I know. Recovery is needed. But I am denied this, and as a result I am growing weaker. I have words yet to say to one person in particular here, but I still have to work on them. I don't think I have much else to say here at Dao Bums. I will watch this thread. But I am tired of words, I am tired of a computer being my only link to any kind of social interaction. I am especially tired of help that is not really help at all, yet still I am expected to show appreciation and gratitude. I am supposed to be thankful for all the pain the advice I folowed brought to me. I am supposed to be gracious, motivated by love. Able to smile even as you punch me in the face. I am so far from being any kind of holy person like that it isn't eve funny. I will leave these superhuman abilities to the Buddhas out there. I am comfortable saying I am the furthest thing from any holy, wise spiritual master. I won't deny my weakneses, and I will claim my strengths, such as they are. Don't expect much activity from me around here for a while. Please accept my apologies in advance if I hurt or offend. It is very hard for the bear that has been seriously unjured to not want to maul anyone who passes by. Just treat me like a wounded, dangerous animal and don't take anything I do or say personally. I appreciate it. Understand that I am in a lot of pain right now, and these words are insufficient to describe the levels. I am alone and hurting, angry amd frustrated. Be patient with me. There will be no other updates for a while. But I have have more to say about the retreat, and will post that at my blog.