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Hello all. I have been reading for a month or two and I finally got up the gumption to join. I am 24 years old, from the U.S.A., a college graduate of a field I have no job in and lost interest in, a very abstract thinker--it seems too much at times, an animal lover and a man teetering on the tightrope betwwen introvertism and extrovertism. My religious beliefs were never really there. My parents are christians but do not practice. They are very good people, though. I have enver witnessed them do wrong to another. This is something that I have taken for granted. They are great, slightly apathetic people. Typing this, I begin to feel sadness for them. I know they didn't picture a working class life centered around the television, as that is not what I picture for myself. That sounds a bit snide, but it is not meant to be. I hope that this is not something that eats at them. I want them to be happy. My love for them is as true as any. The sad truth is they have stagnated, which is the easy decision to make in life--not that the path is easy. My dad owns a very small business that he operates himself and my mom works at an establishment that only puts her down. They show no signs of wanting to advance in their current lines of work. My mother has always mentioned going to nursing school. She loves to help people and is an extremely caring person. I want her to do this because I think it is something she really wants. My dad has always loved antiques and he has always loved antique guns. He is no NRA extremist and could never harm an animal, but he is definitely a collector. He has recently become a vertified gunsmith and is furthering this. I would love for them to follow these paths that they have shown interest in. Looking at a large portion of my life, I have been stagnant and for the last couple of years I have when I stagnate. This is something I want to avoid, but am having some dificulties with. I was always a quiet, introspective, introverted person--although I remember being quite different before I started school and at the very beginning of elementary school. I remember innocently kissing a girl on the cheek when I was 8. She was my "girlfriend" at the time. When I look back at it, it epitomized adorableness. For about a week, I did this once a day at recess until someone told on me and the teacher scolded me infront of the entire class. That year was the last year I remember being an "alpha-male." I never bullied others or put them down. But, in my first few years of schooling, I was very outgoing, very talkative, very much interested in girls and a top performer in both academics and physical education--I was the fastest kid in class. When I was nine, my family moved in with my grandmother. I am still not sure why to this day. I believe it was because we were struggling financially. Well, my grandma, who lived to be 91, chain smoked and my father smoke at the time as well. We lived there for just over a year, but I know this was bad for my health. The main difference between my new home and my old one was the neighborhood. It had no children, nobody my age. My brother was four years older than me and began acting so and finding other freinds. I did not go outside nearly as much as I did. I resorted to eating. My parents argued a lot at that age. This may have aided my eating. My grandma spoiled me with sweets and fried food. I went from an outgoing, motivated, active, well-rounded athlete that was noted as especially intellectual by second year teacher to an overweight child who put off school work. My third year was not that bad. I got a little more plump and was a little more distracted, but I still earned good grades and still excelled in PE. But, I had the kissing incident in the back of my mind and a lowered confidence from the new lbs. I packed on. I noticed those pounds the most when the best friend of the girl I kissed told me that the girl I kissed no longer liked me because I got fat over the summer. Even as an outgoing child in those days, I think things cut me deeper than a lot of others. With my newly acquired lack of confidence, that really hurt. We moved out before that year ended, but it was to the other side of town--where we still live.By this time, I was not what society calls obese, but I was tubby. I began to be made fun of on occasion. In 4th grade, I was 100 lbs. I was in a new place with no friends and I was usually the fattest kid in the conversation. The same went on until the summer before 7th grade. I decided to join in on a diet with my mom. By this time I was always the slowest kid and ran out of breath pretty easily. I picked up video games and became even more out of shape and more distracted. I went from a bright student to a kid that while engaging in class, always pt off school work and skidded by with Bs. --I should probably let you know, from a very young age (I am not sure when I started this) I would pace back and forth in empty rooms, twiddling my finger and conjure up stories and events and pretend I was part of them. I would be in sword fights, car races, baseball games, concerts, wars, jousting duels, etc. I would do this all day. I did this my entire life. It lessened over the years, but I just recently quit about 6 months ago. I don't quite know what all this is about. But, I do know I was always a little strange, even in my more outgoing days. During bus rides or long car rides I would either stare out the window the entire time or put my head down on the seat infront of me and stare at my feet. -- Well, at about the age of 13, I became very health conscious. My father quit smoking when I was about 9 or 10 and I began eating healthier and lighter. In 7th grade, I was about 175 lbs. by the end of it, I was less than 150 lbs. and started getting back my athleticism, but I never quite recovered my old outgoing nature. I was still sort of known as a pudgy kid, I didn't have that many friends and I was pretty quiet. It didn't help that I physically developed a little slower than my peers. I became pretty slender from 16 and on. But, at some point in these years, I decided to sit and observe this game instead of participating. From then until a couple of years ago I let rules, guidelines, habits and constraints live my life rather than living it for myself. I now feel an inner-fire, but I am in search of a way to harness it. Sorry for that story, I honestly did not intend to do that and started to want to wrap things up about two to three paragraphs ago. I guess this is why I am here. I often read this forum for health tips. But, I need more than chlorella now. I have read online about Qigong, but I feel that what I have read has only been the skeleton of it. I would go to a practicioner, but I fear that I would not be able to make the monthly payments. I started to meditate around three years ago, but have never taken it as seriously as I have in the past year and a half. As of late, I have had some very profound experiences and in these last years I have reaped some long term effects as well. But, I feel I have a long way to go. I feel that I have tension in my body--my shoulder blades and shoulders. I feel that I doubt myself too much. I feel that I do not express my idea as much as I should. I feel that I do not create as much as I want to. I feel that I am capable of extraordinary things as we all are. I feel that I sometimes give in to this invisible machine that we have all slaved to at some point. I feel that some nights, instead of living life and/or creating something, I fall in to the machine and let a spinach pizza and X-files live my life. I have grown over the last few years.I am in what I consider great physical shape. I am in love with my loving girlfriend. I appreciate nature very much and I am expressing myself more than I have in the past. But, I am experiencing a need and a fire. My motivation comes and goes and when it goes, I just dwell on the fact that it has gone. Maybe it never went. Maybe I was too worried that it would go. My deepest feelings and thoughts have almost always been in line with taoist beliefs. When I realized this in my late teens, I began to look into things. I just now find myself longing for more and longing for a way to harness my energy, to feel that motivation, that fire and now how to use it. To show my inner-light, my creativity without any fear or doubt. This brought me here more than anything. I eat a vegetarian diet that is low in grains and dairy. Although I go through bouts where I will have an organic Amy's pizza and use extra cheese or make a great deal of cheese and bean dip. I feel that I fall into these moments because it is easier to eat a big load, watch a movie and fall asleep than it is to write something, paint something, take pictures or start my video project. Those moments are crutches. I notice that when my love and I eat fresh, we usually have sex every night. When we eat heavier and when we eat grains for dinner, we have sex less and I notice the difference. I can tell a lot of my energy is focusing on digesting the processed food. I would love to incorporate Qigong into my life. But, I just don't know where to start. Are there any exercises I could start doing now? Any sort of other advice? I would appreciate any help many times over. Again, thank you for reading and sorry for the novel. I look forward to the adventures I will have here and the friends that I will meet along the way.