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Its the 4th of september and about 5 or 6 months ago I fell in love with a married woman with an extensive history of prostitution as well as an extensive substance abuse problem.. Well, I decided to take on (or fell into) the relationship with the idea that entering the world of polyamory would make this work. I had an idea of the problems that were going to arise but didn't truly grasp the agony of them until the relationship progressed. She is intelligent and beautiful as fuck. She is primitive in nature and in that primitivity is a beauty I have not found in the civilized world, and she is also polyamorous by nature whether she admits it to herself or not. Does she not love both myself and her husband? Is she not around men all the time (::gags in anxiety:: )? Maybe two days ago she resumed her adventures with crack, as well as drinking and smoking weed. It rips me apart because I don't see this stopping any time soon despite her telling me otherwise, and as a sober spiritual individual, I deal with the hurt in my heart seeing her destroy herself, which touches on my own insecurities as an individual which has to do with how I focused my last 8 years as a computer programmer because of the money instead of letting myself blossom as an individual, as well as the rational reality that she is going down a road that is full of suffering and possibly even death. Did she not jump out of a two story window not too long ago? Fuck.. So I got the jesus complex burned into my brain.. Taoism too has done its numbers on me and suffering for her in this agony for her health, to be one good influence in her life, seems to be in my path. Quotes like: "What is a good man but a bad man's teacher, and what is a bad man but a good man's job. Without knowing this, you will get lost." or "Greatest kind of love is where you give up your life for your friends" run through my head.. Wondering if there is a god or not runs through my head as well.. Why not leave selfishly for my own needs and leave this woman? Well that answer is simple: because I love the fuck out of her.. I'm addicted to the agony she puts me through and it truly is opening my mind to the harsh realities of life, as well as making polyamory a reality that cannot be ignored anymore... ahh.. I'm doing my best to give myself the space to process problems as they come, and I'm doing whatever I can to grow as an individual instead of chasing money, power, and prestige.. but I'm lost, and I guess this is a plea for encouragement.. I have nothing to grab onto anymore.. and no sense of certainty.. and this house cat is having a hard fucking time loving this street cat... what do i do? nonjudgmental, unconditional love seems all I can muster. I sometimes wonder if I am missing out by not experiencing drugs myself (I resort to a shit load of meditation which leaves me introverted and disconnected from others). I just read an article by OSHO talking about how drug users are using the drugs to deal with the society that conforms us to left brained systematic thinking instead of opening up the right hemisphere of creativity and such. I;m trying to do my best to see drugs in a positive light but truth is I avoid both drugs and alcohol because of the lack of sobriety that comes with them which I hold precedent in value.. I don't know.. I am also new to all these emotions and they are truly ripping me apart... If I had these emotions at age 20, hell I probably would have a drug problem myself.. but spirituality has grounded me at 30 and given me at least a good chance in dealing with this.. Just embrace and accept and love, right?