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My mum kicked my arse yesterday. I guess I should be thankful... For the first time in a while, I'm pretty confused and down, but perhaps that is just a result of being hit with a reality check. At dinner yesterday, somehow my mum and I managed to get on to the topic of my cultivation. After talking about how much better I am these days, which was backed up by my girlfriend (and I am so sorry she had to be there for this) my mum actually said I was much worse! I couldn't believe it, as much as I am trying and concentrating on breath and not violently lashing out (which was my big achievement) I was slapped back down by being told that these days I raised my voice much more and was verbally more angry. She wasn't wrong. It all escalated to the point where I was yelling and disagreeing with her. She remained calm with the odd chuckle (where my old self comes back to tell me she is disrespectful and making fun of me. Naturally, I yell even more) So I went away thinking, what can I do? Am I to practice not getting wound up by her? Am I making things up, is she actually not winding me up? Am I too sensitive? Do I have a chip on my shoulder? Am I seeking recognition for all my hard work and mad because I'm not being given the right encouragement? If so, why am I so determined to have my own mother encourage me? But should I be thankful that she has identified my flaws? Although, she's the only one that I behave like this with. Occasionally my sister...I guess it's just those two that know how to push my buttons. Perhaps everyone else is just beating around the bush with me and being laid back. It's made me very sad and confused, I don't know how much better I really am now. Have I been too complacent and cocky? Clearly there is some work to be done, I just don't know what to do right now

I knew a woman three years ago. She was ostracized by a lot of people. but I had space and she had content and we fit together like hand and glove. As we became close I noticed that she carried a deep trauma in her. A slamming door in the evening set her off on some irrational highly emotional tirade; a passerby on the street gave her "weird vibes" where there were none; and the reactions, often powerfully negative, from those around her got me thinking: I think this woman has PTSD. When I moved away she was the last person I saw, and I thought about her every day. We talked on the phone and she started telling me strange stories about being abused and yelled at and attacked in streets. I try to explain the importance of attitude to her and encountered immense, insurmountable resistance. I'm called a "victim-blamer." I distrust this side of her. The stories she tells are unreasonable, and the frequency with which she encounters negativity astounds me, as my experience in s free of threat of any sort. In my heart I blame her and feel guilty for it. I know that she is the common factor in all this pain. I continue to care and love for her and miss her. Nine months ago I moved back to the city she was in. I saw her and while I was visually startled by how much weight she had gained, I still knew who she was inside and how much I loved her. She was already a little bit heavy when we met, but it was attractive on her. But the additional weight started to bother me when I touched her. No matter where I put my hands or how closely I tried to hold her, I could not feel her. I just felt fat. I had never hugged somewhat carrying so much extra weight before and it took me a few hours to figure out what was wrong: I couldn't feel her vital energy. I couldn't feel the life force that her organs would normally radiate out to me. I realized I was totally repulsed by this. I recall smelling something subtle but terrible, too. I feel it's a pity and a terrible shame that I let her incubate in this negativity for so long. I had an opportunity to help her 2 years ago when things seemed to get really bad.

Many might remember the Stephen Stills song with this title: Love the One You're With. I woke up this morning with this song running through my mind. (The particular lyrics of that song aren't pertinent to this discussion, only the title). I've been in a relationship, an on and off relationship, for 30 years. I've tried countless times to end this relationship, but have never been able to. We've been married and divorced from each other twice, and we're still together. Unmarried, but together. My whole life, the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. This was just my make-up, and it was a recurring theme throughout my life. I always had one eye on the current relationship and the other eye wandering (not in an actual physical way, I wasn't actually BORN in West Virginia or anything!) I was always looking for something Better. But I was never without a relationship. I was capable of going to the lowest depths to find one; anything but being Alone. So I guess this falls under the category of 'be careful of what you pray for' (at least, back when I used to pray to 'something') For the first 25 years of this co-dependent, torturous relationship with Joe (due to our mutual alcoholic personalities), we made each other miserable. And he would go out and get drunk - skid row drunk - every time we had an argument for the first 10 years we were together. But a funny thing has happened; maybe because our co-dependency was stronger than our desire to leave. A few years back, I was listening to my car radio and that song came on. Love the One you're With. And it hit me like a thunderbolt, although I had heard that song countless time before. Why not try actually loving this man? Why not stop looking for something better, or smarter, or someone of greater social stature? Just make the darn decision: love him! And so began the process of acceptance. First of all, acceptance of myself, because I saw the tendency that had haunted me my whole life; never being satisfied with what I had. The second part was accepting Joe total for what he is, and not wishing he were different in some ways. What a huge difference this decision - merely a decision! - has made in our lives. I actually go out of my way to do nice things for him now. I count the blessings we have together, as opposed to focusing on the differences. Well, relating this to my own spiritual growth, I must say that this has probably been one of the biggest components of it. It opened my eyes just a bit to unconditional love, to forgiveness, to remaining in one place and focused - and not 'waiting for the next one'. To be Here Now. And most of all, to come to the realization that I Am responsible for my own happiness - not someone else. Someone else can never give it to me, I must give it to myself. What an incredible awareness this has been. And the funny thing is, we have a wonderful life together now; as I have changed, he seems to have followed suit. Or maybe I am just seeing it with different eyes. I am very thankful today for this loyal friend of 30 years that has been part of me - and who has been the mirror for me to see the changes that I need to make within myself. And today, when we do have a bit of a dust-up, which is not real often any more, they blow over quickly. In fact, we now have a plan for any little spats we get into - we have a big trailer sitting up at the top of the property that he can stay in. But it happens hardly at all any more. It seems that there are two dynamics within all of us. One dynamic is 'that which we want', and the other is 'that which we need'. I realize today that Joe has been the very 'lapidary' that I needed to smooth out my rough edges, and I have been that for him. I'm happy to say that today, we fit like a hand in a glove. But I would never have imagined, in my earlier life, that a fellow like Joe was what I needed. What a surprise. Love the one you're with.