Search the Community

I have struggled with anger all my life. And I am not talking about "normal" kinds of anger. I am talking about anger stemming from suicidal depression, driving me in one of my worst examples to stand outside my family's house one night, on the gravel road there, holding a machete, ready to use it if anyone was stupid enough to come near. I don't consider myself a violent person. I have never been in a fight or had any physical altercation with anyone except my brother, who had a special knack for lighting my fuse. I put up with a lot. I typically beat myself up and hurt myself. I have scars all over my body and my knees make strange grinding noises whenever I navigate a set of stairs. If I am violent, it is directed at me - I abuse myself. I mention this only because it got to a point, not long after this incident, that I decided to do something about it. So I read some books on anger, and retained (though memory has faded substantially) some of the things I learned. I have to find that one book again and read it... But initially I followed the instructions in this book and that helped a lot. Later I found out about self-hypnosis and wrote a script for myself, that I ran many times, directing the energy of my anger to my creativity. Now I just suffer from the occasional outburst. The problem is, whatever is triggering me remains outside my conscious awareness. I haven't been able to catch it in the act of happening to stop it. And it appears to have mated with, or mutated with, an aspect of myself I am referring to as my inner saboteur. Now maybe it was always this way and I have only recently become aware of it, because I have been focused so much in this area or something. Not sure. It is this inner saboteur I want to kill. I want to destroy it. I want to chop it up into little pieces and burn them to ash! This #$%^&* is responsible for my totaling my Lexus and, more recently, breaking my brand new TV! Soon I am going to bed. I am exhausted. But when I get up I intend to write a blog post synthesizing what I have recently learned from Kyle Cease's, "The Illusion of Money" and "Stop Self-Sabotage" by Judy Ho. But I will attempt to outline a few things here... I am fairly certain that, at some level outside my conscious awareness, I did not feel I deserved such a nice TV. I allowed myself to enjoy it for a month, then I took it away from myself. Never mind that I earned the money for it working hard to sell my parent's RV for them! With the Lexus I think a similar feeling was in place. What I think happened with the TV is a hard drive of mine failing to work was part of a trigger that set off my anger, and this self-sabotaging aspect of myself rode in on the energy of that anger. From outside my conscious awareness it directed everything, including where I threw the hard drive. No accident of coincidence here - I absolutely refuse to believe that! My inner saboteur used this anger to cause me to throw my hard drive in the exact place needed to be sure it would bounce off and hit the screen of my TV. Everything from where I threw it to how hard - all those calculations - took place without my being aware of them. And that is why it must die! My life sucks enough right now. I do not need to have the few nice things I posses to be taken away from me because I am currently unable to feel that I deserve them, that I am worthy of them! This thing infected the one time I manged to get out on my own and rent an apartment. It infected me when I went down to California to try yet again to get out on my own. It caused me either to not do certain necessary things, or ensured I would do things that would hurt me or cause me to fail. I suspect an imbalance as mentioned in Judy Ho's book, towards avoidance and away from pleasure. It is an attempt to preserve some sort of status-quo, a level of "good" in my life I am comfortable with. If I could make all this garbage in me turn physical I would get a knife and cut it out! Sometimes I wish my problems would take physical form so I could derive some pleasure from beating them up. But it doesn't work that way. I am here because I honestly have nowhere else to go. Sorry but that's the truth. I have no other community, or network, or group of friends, or even a single, physically close and readily available friend. I am completely and utterly alone. I am hoping for some insight here, preferably from someone who has gone through something similar and come out of it. I am looking for a book, or a video, or a process, or resources - something, anything that will help me end this pattern of behavior. Just erase it completely. Smooth the groove out of my mind. Pull me out of the rut. Because I am determined to replace my new TV or fix it. Likely I will just replace it. But I am determined to have that replacement no later than Christmas this year. I will get it, whatever it takes. But once I have it I want to keep it. I do not want anything inside me to wake up, take control and cause it to be broken. Starting right now, in this moment, as I type this, I am done with self-sabotage. Never again will I break a possession of mine, give it away or allow it to be taken. Never again will I feel unworthy of nice things. I work like a dog and I deserve my treats! Please help me address this issue, in whatever way you can, even if all you can do is voice your support. I appreciate it. Thank you.