Disturbing Dream....Embarrassment and Inadaquacy

[CarsonZi]

Namaste Friends!

 

I posted this on the AYP forum this morning and thought I would post here as well to get some more "well-rounded" advice. Thanks in advance!

 

 

Last night I had one of those seemingly "all-nighter" dreams and it brought to the surface some issues for me that I believe need to be addressed.

 

I had a difficult social life for a lot of my childhood....I grew up (for the most part) in a very small farming town (total pop. 3000) in which almost everyone living there had been born there. I moved there halfway through grade 1 and left halfway through grade 9. Because of this (moving into a new town halfway through the year) and the fact that everyone had been friends since birth, I was very much "the outsider" and spent most of my effort trying to "fit in" and feel "accepted". This never really happened for more then a few months at a time. I had "friends" who would plan together to hurt my feelings by doing things that took a co-operative effort and would very much make me continue to feel like the outsider. This pushed me in the direction of trying to fit in in whatever way I could....which ended up causing me to become a bit of a "bad boy" just so that others would not screw with me. I would get into really really violent fights, I became the town drug dealer (even to many of the adults), started having sex at a REALLY young age, etc etc etc..... But this "trauma" has never really been fully dealt with I don't think. It has left me with a near constant need for acceptance, even from those who don't have any influence in my life, and has left me with a predisposition towards being embarrassed.

 

The other side of this is my disposition towards feelings of "inadaquacy". For the most part this is mainly sexually related, but not always. I was fully sexually active from the age of 4. This has caused (probably obviously) some trauma for me (and others as well). By about the age of 12 I had had sex with several different girls, some younger, some older, and I was beginning to get a bit of a reputation as being quite good in bed. This caused the most popular girl in school (at least to me) to decide she wanted to have sex with me. This was completely disasterous for me. I got so mentally excited over this that I ejaculated very very quickly and was unable to satisfy her. This obviously got around my school/town very quickly and from that point on I have had a problem with feelings of sexual (at least) inadaquacy.

 

Well, last night as I said at the beginning, I had a disturbing all-night long dream. This basically was a dream that could be considered my "personal nightmare" combining all the "faults" I feel I have, into one big episode that left me feeling very troubled upon awakening. What I have realized from this is that these are the next two big issues I have to start dealing with.

 

So, my question is this: Do you have any specific suggestions on ways to go about dealing with deeply imbedded childhood trauma?

 

Love,

Carson

[Encephalon]

Namaste Friends!

 

I posted this on the AYP forum this morning and thought I would post here as well to get some more "well-rounded" advice. Thanks in advance!

Last night I had one of those seemingly "all-nighter" dreams and it brought to the surface some issues for me that I believe need to be addressed.

 

I had a difficult social life for a lot of my childhood....I grew up (for the most part) in a very small farming town (total pop. 3000) in which almost everyone living there had been born there. I moved there halfway through grade 1 and left halfway through grade 9. Because of this (moving into a new town halfway through the year) and the fact that everyone had been friends since birth, I was very much "the outsider" and spent most of my effort trying to "fit in" and feel "accepted". This never really happened for more then a few months at a time. I had "friends" who would plan together to hurt my feelings by doing things that took a co-operative effort and would very much make me continue to feel like the outsider. This pushed me in the direction of trying to fit in in whatever way I could....which ended up causing me to become a bit of a "bad boy" just so that others would not screw with me. I would get into really really violent fights, I became the town drug dealer (even to many of the adults), started having sex at a REALLY young age, etc etc etc..... But this "trauma" has never really been fully dealt with I don't think. It has left me with a near constant need for acceptance, even from those who don't have any influence in my life, and has left me with a predisposition towards being embarrassed.

 

The other side of this is my disposition towards feelings of "inadaquacy". For the most part this is mainly sexually related, but not always. I was fully sexually active from the age of 4. This has caused (probably obviously) some trauma for me (and others as well). By about the age of 12 I had had sex with several different girls, some younger, some older, and I was beginning to get a bit of a reputation as being quite good in bed. This caused the most popular girl in school (at least to me) to decide she wanted to have sex with me. This was completely disasterous for me. I got so mentally excited over this that I ejaculated very very quickly and was unable to satisfy her. This obviously got around my school/town very quickly and from that point on I have had a problem with feelings of sexual (at least) inadaquacy.

 

Well, last night as I said at the beginning, I had a disturbing all-night long dream. This basically was a dream that could be considered my "personal nightmare" combining all the "faults" I feel I have, into one big episode that left me feeling very troubled upon awakening. What I have realized from this is that these are the next two big issues I have to start dealing with.

 

So, my question is this: Do you have any specific suggestions on ways to go about dealing with deeply imbedded childhood trauma?

 

Love,

Carson

 

Wow. I thought my childhood was colorful.

 

"Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine offers a simple system using a specific somatic method. Levine is the real pioneer, at least in west. That's for the body.

 

"Healing the Shame that Binds You", by John Bradshaw gives you the mental tools to get your head around traumatic, shame-based events so that you can begin to disempower their caustic impact. This is the book I should've read back when I quit drinking in early 80s, but I continued to ignore this critical healing phase and the work involved and ended up suffering a great deal more than necessary. I never had a backslide, but I did end up worshipping at the Bart Simpson Tabernacle of Underachievers.

 

Shame is toxic. But naming something gives you some leverage over it. Good luck.

[Cookie Monster]

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Edited September 26, 2020 by Ocean Form

[gendao]

I effectively had the same problem as you and this guy. Painfully shy and insecure with hella lot of social anxiety.

 

But, I finally cracked the code this past June!

 

The underlying problem is attempting to base your self-esteem and self-worth on anything other than your Divine heritage and relationship with God. I think of it as a Divine flame or spark. Something that we actually ALL have, and have in common with each other... Yet most of us have overlooked.

 

And so we try really hard to prove ourselves worthy to others (as a proxy for God), by becoming really good at "X." Problem is that that's a no-win situation. Because whether you become good at or suck a "X," people are still only liking or disliking you for "X," and not YOU. This is why many celebrities still get depressed even after attaining mass popularity...

 

But once I based my basic sense of self-worth and connection with others on a shared foundation of Divine heritage, all my deep sense of inadequacy or ostracization suddenly disappeared. Because I now know that no matter WHAT I do in life, I am still WORTHY as a part of God...as is everyone else. We're all no better or worse than each other. And that we all at least have THAT in common, no matter what - which is NOT dependent upon any external validation or various successes or failures in life.

 

Once you establish this strong base foundation, everything else on top of that is gravy!

 

Anyhow, that's the big picture. I am also constantly troubleshooting and reprogramming myself because there's an almost endless amount of issues for us to clear from this lifetime and many others...

Edited September 21, 2009 by vortex

[King Kabalabhati]

Yes there's embarrassing things in most people's life, until you realise you are not really the person that you was back then.. And you're not those emotions you felt when all things happened. But you may be storing the pains you never knew how to handle inside your structure someplace. It helps if you have a bit heavier emotional stress to empty those charged hate-batteries, it seems. I've started to cry a couple of times when I've done the Tao Yin breathing (golden light in, grey mist out) with hands on the tan tiens.

 

In the longer run, if your chi kung practise doesnt start to move your emotions, then there could be somthing wrong with the program.